inconvinent truths

I'll start with whats bothering me at this very moment. I've had a friend Ginny since my freshman year of high school. I introduced her to her first boyfriend, i introduced her to her second. I tried hard to get this girl out of her shell for years, she was so fucking quiet and timid and scared and depressed when i met her. And over the years, in fact she did, only to become someone i wasn't really happy to be around. She tries to come off as this free thinking, liberal hippy, when in fact she's as judgmental as anyone else, maybe even worse. I tried keeping her in my life for a long time, the way i tried with all my friends but i never get anything back. yeah maybe 6 years ago i was doing things and making decisions that i shouldn't have but i was a fucking teenager, i was just trying to feel my way around life and figure out what worked for me. She went to the University of Vermont after high school, the same college her boyfriend (we call him bad dave, because her fiance is also named dave) went to. I had a friend named Mindy, who i had been friends with since we were 3 years old. At some point, maybe around sophmore, junior year, Mindy and Ginny suddenly became BFF's because both their boyfriends were around the same age. I still tried to be a part of it, but as always i wasn't called and the fun went on without me. Whenever i saw Ginny throughout the college years, she viewed me under her nose. I tried college, it did not work for me, some people just aren't college material. I drank booze, whatever. I smoke cigarettes. I don't play guitar as well. The person i used to call when i needed her, no longer offered me any sort of comfort of positive feedback. I stopped trying. Well then she started dating good dave, after my coaxing. I saw this as a good thing, Dave and I have been friends for years. The kind of friend you could really rely on. Dave and I are similar souls, we both couldn't do the college thing or really hold things together. Him and i would go on adventures, take pictures, listen to music, he was always there when i needed a friend or a philosophical talk. well this whole thing backfired because now Ginny decided it was now OK if you don't go to a university after high school...but still looked down on me. Ginny and Dave got engaged this summer. I called to congratulate her, because unlike when i got engaged and i told everyone, i found out through facebook.

 I went to their engagement party and found it strange that she made no mention of bridesmaids or anything...but i kept it to myself. i was also hurt because all of them had gone to kevins birthday party the night before, which is about two miles down the street from my house, and i wasn't called for that. About two weeks ago her grandpa passed away and she came back to CT for the funeral. I texted her my condolences and she invited me over for food and drink. I had to work until nine, but fled over after work. I had gotten a card for the family, I've always been close to her family, I wrote something special inside and gave it to her mother when i walked in the door. She was grateful, she showed the card to Ginny, "oh yeah...thats nice..." wow. During my short stay, she didnt even offer me a glass of water. While her and mindy sat in their chairs holding cold beers and eating cookies i sat by myself with the cat. She didn't even ask to see my engagement ring...Ginny's Parents asked to see it and congratulated me. When mindy got tired and said she was going home Ginny turns to me and says, "Yes, I'm quite tired as well." her way of saying, get the fuck out. I came home in tears. At one point while we were there, her and mindy started talking about Ginny's wedding, Mindy asked where she would be sitting, Ginny says the head table. At no point does she say, i will be sitting there, or i'll be sitting with the friends from back home, in fact, I don't think I'm invited at all.

flash to this weekend. Her and Dave came home for thanksgiving. She texted me twice on friday to tell me this. I told her i worked until 6 on saturday but the two of them should swing by my house, because they haven't seen it. I hear nothing back for two days. i wake up this morning (sunday) and i have a text message, recieved at 11:49 pm from dave, it reads like this, "sorry about this we should have told you earlier but kevin and his friend matt, becky and her friend shannon, ginny and i are all chillen at gins place, if you wanna stop in please do and im sorry it was so late to tell you about this". you have got to be fucking kidding me? you thought of me at fucking midnight? was someone too drunk and needed a ride home and thats why you texted me? to use me? to mention all these people i care about and remind me that not one of them thought to call me? I slammed the phone down and said that's fucking it. I'm done. I don't care if we used to be best friends but i'm tired of getting my heart broken. you know, a lot of my friends have buddies from college, i didn't go to college, i have them. And in my heart of hearts, i hoped i always would because they were all special to me, i grew up with these people. but im done. i'm done with getting a text saying, "Hey Im in town" and not hearing from them after i text them back. Im done with asking my friends to come see my house and not having them do it. I'm done with Kevin and Shanna who live 2 miles down the street, who never fucking call me. Or Mindy who has been my friend since i was 3 years old, who lives in town while she finishes grad school and never hearing from her.

And then i look at Mark, who has his friends in town. And who last night was trying to finish his jam room by himself, but couldn't because it's a two man job, and his frustration in the fact that no matter who he asks for help, they always say no. These people don't care. they are fucking selfish. If mark didn't have a house, i doubt they would call him. And that kills me. If he needed help, they wouldn't come, they wouldn't even call to see if he was Ok. and i think thats a lot of the reason why i never made much of an effort with these people.

I'm tired of the selfishness. i'm tired of being looked down on. im tired of when i reach out for help, in an emotional sense, not in the sense of money, and these people turn their backs on me. These are not the qualities i want in a friend. So goodbye.

(on a funny note, last night was also my five year high school reunion. yeah, pretty fucking pumped that i skipped that)

would you look at that, another rant about work..

Today i had enough. My lead tech put the schedule out for this week and next. I could not find one single day out of the next two weeks where i have a shift to look forward to (by that i mean, i get out early, its a short day, anything to get me through). I approached her and said, "I have a bone to pick with you." I tried to be as nice and repectful as possible but i have a feeling it didnt turn out the way, maybe around the time i said, "I've hated every schedule you have given me since you started here," might not have been the right thing to say...

but really, it's true. i told her a few months ago that she should put me on nights for a little while because i really didnt like her version of a morning shift, (10-8 is not a morning shift, just because i get there in the morning does not make it a morning shift) i thought that at least if i said nights, i would have mornings to clean my house or make doctors appoinments or fucking finally get motivated to go to the gym. According to my lead tech a night shift is 12-10. Now fuck me. I have approached her about my schedule at least 1-2 times a month since she started and nothing ever fucking changes. i get thrown under the bus constantly. I look at everyone elses schedules and they have an easy 9-3, or at least getting out at four shift, 2-3 times a week. I do not. ever. And that to me, i believe, is the reason i have increasingly found it difficult to get through my weeks at cvs or even enjoy my days off from there. Well, at least that has to be one of the big reasons...

tomorrow my store rolls out WeCare, our new computer software program. Oh, it feels like just yesturday when we rolled out RxConnect. The only thing is, they gave us a few computer modules to do and didn't send us to other stores, so pretty much 90% of my store has absolutly no idea what they are doing, myself included. So tomorrow i work 12-8 and when i walk in and put my stuff down i will stop and stand in front of the computer and say, "Ok, how the fuck do i work this thing?" and the best part is all the higher ups will be there (including Addie or as Tom calls her "the amazon woman") and of course my pharmacy manager will be coming in on his day off after working his 14 hour.

not looking forward tomorrow...i just want to his fast forward to nine o'clock friday night when this fucking week is over...

So i bought a guinea pig at petco yesturday. She is adorable, super small and young and female, all things i wanted in a guinea pig. I know you aren't supposed to buy animals at pet stores, but it's not her fault if she was born and raised in unsanitary conditions, all animals still deserve a good home i say. Petco gives me a 15 day guarantee and says that if anything is to arise to bring her to their preferred vet, suffield veterninary hospital. Or i could bring her back to petco, sell her back, and once shes better or whatever, i can buy her back. Well i bring my tiny little bundle of joy home and have her on my chest and already she seems to like me. She snuggling and attempting to make little guinea pig sounds (she cant even peep yet, its adorable), and then she sneezes. At first its adorable, this tiny little rodent with a tiny sneeze...but then she sneezes again...and again...and i grow concerned. So i pulled my guinea pig books off the shelf and went online and did a little research. I guess, petstore guinea pigs are prone to have URI's (upper respitory infections). Luckily, my sweet little guinea pig named Pikachu, is only sneezing and possibley wheezing, its really hard to tell. She's perky, drinking water, eating and pooping up a storm but i figured since petco would foot the bill, i should call the vet in the morning...

Ok...so i call. After being on hold for about 10 minutes they tell me their exotics doctor won't be in until monday. Now what the fuck? It's a friday, which means this weekend a lot of vets will be closed all weekend. Why did you give the exotics doctor the day off? So i could have called petco and i could have brought my adorable guinea pig back but i did some further reading. By bringing Pikachu back, i have to sell her back making petco the owner of this guinea pig. They can do whatever the hell they want with her. They could say, "Eh, fuck it, our corporation doesnt want to pay to give this animal antibiotics, put it to sleep or stick it back in the cage and hope someone else buys it and lie to the girl who bought it." Many people who sell their guinea pigs back to petco, never get them back. I'm not doing that. I'm already in love. I know URI's in guinea pigs are a really big deal, but right now it seems like a case of the sniffles, so im going to keep my eye on her. I notice she does sneeze more when i take her out of the cage so for all i know she could be allergic to my purfume or the bedding i used is new to her and when she runs around the cage when i try to pick her up, she's kicking up dust.

the thing is, im not really mad at petco so much as suffield vet. i fucking hate that vet. I adopted my guinea pig, Pokey, from petco, and she was one the best pets i have ever had, and she lived to be six years old. When she started getting sick and stopped eating i was debating whether i should put her down, so i called suffield and made the appointment. But unlike with cats and dogs, i was not allowed in the room when they euthanized her. I would just drop her off and never see her again. This made me very uncomfortable. Pokey would have been alone and scared. Then what, they just chuck her in the waste basket, wash their hands and go home? i couldnt even take her home to bury her in my backyard? But i made the appointment and when the time came, pokey ate a cucumber, i think it was a sign that she really didnt want to go like that. So i called and i cancelled. Pokey died in my arms after the disney movie G-force ended. well a week later i get a $15 bill from suffield vet for a guinea pig euthanization. I'm fucking livid, i call them half screaming in anger, half crying. They tell me "Oh the vet signed off on it." This wasn't about the money, it was only fifteen dollars, this was principle. They put me on hold for 15 minutes and come back to say, "Oh, we'll call you back and see what we figure out." I never heard back from them, i never even got a fucking apology. Losing a pet is very difficult, one the worst things i feel a person to go through, and i was handling my pets death pretty well and moving on with my life until i opened up that letter...

anyway, im spending my day with Pikachu, making sure she's nice and comfy and warm. And also washing my quilt because she peed on it a bunch. My cat is super jealous too. I won't allow him in the room because he's a little asshole and i really can't trust him, but i know he knows some other animal is upstairs getting all mommys attention, so i have to spend some time making sure he's not all upset either...man...if it's this hard with pets, cant wait to start having kids...

for probably about two years i have been attempting to make myself a morning person. in bed at the very least by 11, up at the latest 9 o'clock. then i can work and have oh so much time to everything i want. guess what, it's not working. I used to never sleep, i had soo much trouble for the first 20 years of my life sleeping and one day i didnt (thank you melatonin). well guess what, after two years of getting that solid nine hours of rest my body suposidly requires, im always fucking tired! and depressed! and i get nothing done because i work, come home, have no energy and do nothing. Also, my creativity is freaking gone. The first few days of my vacation, i was attempting to keep myself on my normal routine, thinking because i didn't have to work i could do tons of shit during the day. Well...it didnt work out that way. So today, i slept until twelve, something that would have been normal for me at the age of nineteen but not 23. And guess what, my creativity burst, energy and desire to clean and decorate my house sprung up at about 11 o'clock at night. I decorated the downstairs of my house, actually folded my laundry instead of leaving it in the clean clothes laundry basket, and my office upstairs which has been packed in boxes for fucking months, yeah, it all came together in about an hour.

and i got to thinking...as a teenager, i remember that around 12 o'clock every night after adult swim would switch over the anime is when i would start writing poetry, rearranging my room, actually fucking cleaning my room, getting homework done, writing stories and even novels, drawing, painting, sex, hell i would do Billy Banks Ty boe at 3 in the morning. My creativity, energy and basically any other happiness is at it's peak between the hours of 11pm-4am. And with my work schedule, i cannot be up during those hours. Unless i decide in the near future to give up sleeping or maybe even my job...i dont know if I'll ever be happy...or get anything done for that matter...

I guess it's true, you really just cannot turn a night owl into a morning person no matter how hard you try...

i used to love my job. (no really two former cvs employees that follow this thing, i am being honest!! no sarcasm at all!) Ok i didnt love my job at first, i was too drunk to love my job, but once i actually made a commitment to the place and knew how to do stuff, i loved my job. I believe it was around the time that Greg was a pharmacist there, and people started coming to me to solve problems instead of the other way around, and i was actually good at something that i loved my job. Then it went from love to, "I like my job". there were days i REALLY did not want to be there but days it was ok. Then it went to more days where i REALLY dont want to be here and i'm tolerating being here. Now, after five years. Every single day i walk into that place is a day i REALLY REALLY REALLLLLY don't want to be there. we have no staff, at all. everyone has a bad attitude. the management is incompetent. I hate my schedule. For instance, today i worked open until noon. Came home and now i have to go back and work 3-close. Really? and you know what, at the moment only 2 employees and 2 pharmacists are on. So do you know what i am walking into when i go back? Disaster. I dont mean to offend anyone, but i can't understand why no one else can manage the clear the Que. I dont know why but if i'm at drop off than the production que is a mess. If i am at production, than the drop off window is flooded with scripts. Why can't people multi-task? why cant people get shit done and have some sense of urgency to get said shit done? It has gotten so bad, i am having panic attacks over just having to walk into that place. It has gotten so bad that even if i have a couple days off from that place i cannot enjoy them because seriously, all i can think about is the fact that i have to go back. It's ruining my life and now I am stuck!! Mark and I are engaged and are planning on getting married september 2013. I just had my five year anniversary with cvs which means i get 3 weeks vacation this year. I need that three weeks vacation. I need it so i can get married and go on a honeymoon. I'm fucked...

realizations through packing

I've suspected it all along but this weekend has further proved many facts to me. Say, i had someone pack up all my possessions for me, i believe they would suspect somehow a couple children won the lottery and managed to buy a house. It is fucking ridiculous the amount of shit Mark and I own and also, it is laughable how childish most of our shit is. Here are a few examples of random shit i have discovered through packing this weekend.

• We own SOOO much star wars shit, it is not even funny. I don't think we have a single box packed that that does not have some form of star wars related memorbelia in it. Yet shockingly, we do not own even one of the star wars movies on vhs, dvd, or otherwise. 
• I own at least, and i am not exagerating here, 100 pairs of shoes. Granted, my aunt is a shoe fanatic and when she went through her closet a few months ago i must have aquired at least, 30 pairs of shoes. Yet somehow, i generally wear about 4 pairs of these shoes...tops. 
• Our lives must look as though they are completly run by video games. We have a nintendo wii, an xbox 360, a playstation II, an original playstatin, a sega genesis, a sega dreamcast (!), The original nintendo, nintendo 64, every other nintendo known to man (super nintendo, original gameboy, gameboy color, basically every gameboy known to man at least twice over). The only game systems i can think of that we don't own are playstation 3 and atari)
• i own waaaaay too many stuffed animals than a 23 year old should own. I have at the very least, 7, count that again, 7 bags stuffed to brim with stuffed animals. And i have not thrown a single one that i have encountered away. This proves that i get sent to the hospital way too much. for instance, when i had my galbladder out in december, i recieved, i believe, 6 stuffed animals while in the hospital. Two days later was christmas, i think that christmas i recieved, about 6 more. 
• My parents should never have found out i enjoy Hello kitty. I found at least 10 small hello kitty plush stuffed animals. they also purchased me a hello kitty toaster and alarm clock. This does not count pocket mirrors, lip glosses, assorted tiny action figures and over absolutly ridiculous etc. items with that fucking cat with a bow. 
• For some reason we have like 20 sets of salt and pepper shakers. none are serious. One is penguins that wind up and slide across the table, tinkerbell, and my favorite, giraffes. 
• I have taken this animal print fade waaaay too far. Blankets, figurines, expensive candle holders, my clothes, shoes, pillows, (various) bags including but not limited to, backpacks, pocket books, wallets, hats, pj pants, fucking, anything you can think of.
• we have too many guitars for a family of two, where only one knows how to actually play the fucking instrument. also, amplifiers, guitars and equipment GET IN THE FUCKING WAY when packing, especially when you dont have a moving truck.
• neither of us can ever throw ANYTHING away. I stumbled apon random legos that mark made me keep. mark stumbled upon random slips of paper with just a few lines written on them i made him keep. 
• My cat refuses to cooperate when packing. He has one toy he loves and has had since he was 4 months old, this tiny mouse we affectionatly names "house mouse" a threw most of his toys into a box and went along packing, a few hours later, came back to the box to find the only toy missing was house mouse. This happened at least two more times before i threw the lid on the box and took it away.
• i have bought/recieved as gifts waaaay too much stuff from partylite. And this makes packing very difficult because almost everything is fragile. 
• i have packed at least 20 garbage bags of clothes and this is not all of them, i have tons in the wash or about to be washed. but how, may i ask you, is it that i only wear about the same 7 tshirts and like 3 pairs of the same pants? 
• I found at least 30 bottles of perfume, but i only wear one
• why do i have paychecks from cvs that i got from my first two weeks of working there?
• how do we have four boxes of shot glasses but i quit drinking?

more to come when the UNpacking begins...

I do a lot of reading. This a recent thing, like maybe the past year or two. I used to read maybe 3-4 books a year. Thats about how many i read a week now. sure, I start books and never finish, them as many people do, either because of work or i lose interest or simply forget. Until tonight there was only one book i couldn't finish because it deeply, deeply disturbed me. The book was, "Johnny got his gun". I started it because i love history and war movies and all that shit. Let me describe to you why i could not finish this book. He gets wounded in the war. He is bandaged up all over, stuck in a bed. Somethings wrong with his ears, he can't hear. Something is wrong with his eyes, he can't see. And worst of all, something is wrong with his voice, he cannot speak. He is lying in a bed completly and utterly imobolized, unable to scream or hear or anything. At one point a rat climbs into his hospital bed and begins to chew on him, he can't move to stop it. He can't scream to tell someone its happening. He just has to lay there. Maybe the writing was so great but i actually felt it. I was reading and i couldn't sit still. I felt like i was having a panic attack, my breathing sped up, i felt physically ill, restricted. I threw the book down and actually went for a run. Yes, a run, i do not run. But i had to, i literally felt as if i couldn't move, i couldn't breathe...i think i may have even screamed into my pillow just be sure i had a voice. I never picked up the book again, it affected me that much.

Tonight after finishing Valley of the dolls (a good book) i started "The jungle" by Upton sinclair. I downloaded a ton of free classics on my kindle determined to read them. I started the book, kind of boring and then they get to Chicagos meat packing district. They take a tour of the butchery, for fun i might add, and in great detail describe how they killed the animals, mercilessly and in great numbers. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I am sick to my stomach right now. I am considering running to the bathroom to throw up the shake and bake chicken dinner i ate tonight. I can literally still feel it in my stomach. I love animals, i really do and have often said that i don't know how i am not a vegetarian, mostly because it's a huge inconvinence...but as i sit here tonight...i'm thinking about what i'm going to eat tomorrow and as of now it's just peanut butter and jelly. See...this is why i never watch those peeta videos. Goddamnit, i am over thinking everything. I am an athiest, i do not believe in a heaven or a hell and even if i did, they don't believe in animals going to heaven. SO what, these creatures are put on earth for us to harvest and eat? And if so...then why do they have to feel pain and emotions? I'm overanalyzing...this is going to be a long night...