It was really hard for me to sit down to write this. in fact, i want to get up and walk away from it now, but i have to. i found out about the shooting about 45 minutes before i had to leave for my work shift at 3 o'clock...though Facebook of all places. As soon as i saw that first candle post with something saying the victims of Sandy Hook i knew it was bad, and i goggled it immediately. To find out such a tragedy could happen in my own backyard (just about an hours drive from my home) i became so discouraged. I started thinking of the worst. The parents who got there Christmas shopping done early and had presents under the tree for their children who would never come home, the parent kissing their child on the cheek and packing the last lunch for their child that they would never even have the chance to eat, a couple who had so much trouble even conceiving a child and having this miracle brought onto them only to send them off to somewhere that is supposed to be safe, and have the child slaughtered for no apparent rhyme or reason. It felt like 9/11 all over to me. Because even with things like columbine or virginia tech, those things had at least some kind of explanation, teenage raging hormones and distress, and today, no reason. Innocent children taken for no reason and absolutely no reason behind it whatsoever. To me, i have no personal attachment to the people these tragedies have befallen, but that is no reason for me to feel bad about what has happened. i cried as i read the first headlines, i listened to the radio all the way to work and felt crestfallen with every word said. My hope in humanity has been slipping ever so slightly with every week that passes, friends abandoning me, family abandoning me, feeling so lost, broken, confused...and to hear...this.

These children did not even have the chance to feel remorse or feel guilt for making tragic mistakes like picking on some kid to the point that they would point a gun at them. They did nothing wrong. And me, at that point in my life where children is only a short road away, I feel as if i cannot do it. I feel as if i cannot bring a child into this world as it would be much too selfish. And part of me hopped, no more begged, that when i walked into work, someone would feel the way I did. After 9/11, a nation came together, people came together, people, even if for only a short time were nicer to one another. When i walked into work today, i expected something like this to happen, i expected at least a few people to feel what i felt...and this was not so. Everyone was still the same cocky asshole just like they always are, my fellow pharm techs appeared as if they had not even heard the news...life went on...and maybe thats how it is supposed to but i couldn't do it. the only person in the pharmacy who seemed to have some vague idea that there is something wrong was my pharmacist Chris, a woman who has children, who said very little all day...but had glazed eyes...and with every mention would leave or pickup the phone. And i felt for her, i really did. I do not have children, but I feel things far to strongly.

I don't know what is wrong with the world. A few years ago everyone claimed the world would end in only a week from now, and at this point i welcome it. Mark squeezed me tight and told me to hang on as i left for work...only to walk into my house 5 hours later to a full swing party in effect. It was hardly mentioned, and at first, my intention was to run. to run as far away from this house and from these selfish people as quickly as possible...but fuck it...what the fuck can i do...what the fuck do i do with myself for these many hours...i ate, picked up a beer and didn't look back. And now... i feel terrible. i don't know what type of lesson to take out of this. If i had a crowbar in my car, I would be in jail after that driver i followed home tonight. I was getting off the highway, this car had no turn signal, i switched lanes to get off the highway, he swerved in front of me, drove at about 4 miles an hour, pushing to passenger around, playing around. endangering my life and their passenger. when we got to a stop light i almost threw my car in park, slammed on the window and screamed, "18 children are dead and you can pretend everything is fine! You can endanger my life and your own, you are selfish, inconsiderate and the worst human being I have ever had the displeasure to ever meet. If you were considerate to just a few people maybe shit like this wouldn't happen!"   but i refrained...by some act of god I refrained...and i drank...and i feel worse. I talked to people...had one of my friends come by, not just Marks...but it felt like no one understood. A few words uttered but no full out conversation. I did not meet these kids, teachers, staff...for all i know i do not know a single soul in Newtown, CT. but for the love of god, if no lesson can be learned from this incident, then all we will feel is loss. Those lives were lost for no reason, those tears we shed mean nothing, human decency, kindness, consideration...all these things could give some kind of meaning to one of the greatest tragedies anyone of my generation will ever, hopefully any generation, will ever experience.

Tonight before i fall into an intoxicated sleep, i will grab my fiance's hand and we will pray, for the lives lost and the hope that this will never happen again. For the parents, siblings, aunts, uncles...for everyone affected by this. For the people like me...hoping against all hope that they do not lose all hope in humanity as i have, and for fucking god sake, that the person responsible for this is fucking burning in hell where that mother fucker belongs because i swear to fucking god, if i ever bear a child, if anything ever happens to that precious being there will be mother fucking hell to pay.

25 days of christmas

 DEC 1st: YOUR  VIEW TODAY

Do you see this pile of leaves? The picture does not do it justice, it's mamoth and would be even bigger if all the leaves in my tiny yard were actually in it. It's December second, that pile was made in October. When Mark and I moved in we had an agreement, I do all the laundry and he does the yard work. Guess what? He has clean clothes but I have a crummy lawn :( The thing that also ticks me off is that yesturday it was snowing and i didn't take a picture, a much better way to start off this photo challenge. 

                                                  
                                             DEC 2ND: FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIE
I bought this bad boy at Walmart for nine bucks yesturday. I love Rudolph aside from the sexism, mean, unaccepting people of the North Pole...etc. 

It's my first Christmas in my new home. I had this place decked out not even a week after Thanksgiving. Pretty much everything is Christmas. Mark and I got our tree on Thursday, and my god does it smell good in here. As a kid i never had the luxury of having a real tree but the year Mark and I moved out for the first time and lived on our own, we got one and I was hooked. Granted, your fake plastic tree is a lot less work, no worries about that thing falling off the roof of your car, or vacuming up pine needles, or having to water it or even waiting to get it (just pull it up from the basement). But i love the smell of a real tree, and I like a tree that has character. This is the first year Toots has actually seen a christmas tree. So far he hasn't climbed it or knocked off any ornaments although he is eating it. Cats are carnivores so why my cat is so hungry for pine needles, I will never understand.

Seeing as my parents are living the condo life and have limited parking, space in the condo and all the rest, we're doing Christmas eve at my house this year. I'm a little nervous, my parents usually go all out for this thing. Amazing food, prizes and games, etc. I'm trying not to disapoint but we're kinda strapped for cash right now. Do you know how much oil is? The begining of october we put 100 gallons in our tank and it cost us over three hundred bucks! Guess what, it's Decemeber and we're already down to an eighth of a tank...luckily, I'm almost done Christmas shopping.

I leave you with pictures of my amazing family.

As you can see baby Toots is intrigued by this whole tree idea, but is still too afraid to sleep under it. Can't wait to get a picture of that.

Baby Pikachu, she's feeling much better and is starting to ever so slowly warm up to me. Last night i was up in my office and she actually came out of her igloo and was running around the cage, climbing and peeping (it's still quiet but i know as she gets older she will have quite a set of lungs on her.) It was as if she was putting on a show for me and wanted to tell me about her day. Fucking adorable. I feel bad leaving her up in that office, guinea pigs are really social animals and love to be in the center of all the action but I visit and hold her any chance i get, even if it's just poking my head in to have a little chat. Maybe i can convince santa to bring her a brother or sister.


OH! speaking of which! my aunts dog might be pregnant because she's lazy and didn't get her dogs neutered or spayed. Anyway, Bella is a beagle/weiner dog mix and Cody is a shiba Inu. Google shiba inu...they are the most fucking adorable dogs and if she does in fact have puppies i get first pick of the pups. Our family just keeps getting bigger and bigger...

inconvinent truths

I'll start with whats bothering me at this very moment. I've had a friend Ginny since my freshman year of high school. I introduced her to her first boyfriend, i introduced her to her second. I tried hard to get this girl out of her shell for years, she was so fucking quiet and timid and scared and depressed when i met her. And over the years, in fact she did, only to become someone i wasn't really happy to be around. She tries to come off as this free thinking, liberal hippy, when in fact she's as judgmental as anyone else, maybe even worse. I tried keeping her in my life for a long time, the way i tried with all my friends but i never get anything back. yeah maybe 6 years ago i was doing things and making decisions that i shouldn't have but i was a fucking teenager, i was just trying to feel my way around life and figure out what worked for me. She went to the University of Vermont after high school, the same college her boyfriend (we call him bad dave, because her fiance is also named dave) went to. I had a friend named Mindy, who i had been friends with since we were 3 years old. At some point, maybe around sophmore, junior year, Mindy and Ginny suddenly became BFF's because both their boyfriends were around the same age. I still tried to be a part of it, but as always i wasn't called and the fun went on without me. Whenever i saw Ginny throughout the college years, she viewed me under her nose. I tried college, it did not work for me, some people just aren't college material. I drank booze, whatever. I smoke cigarettes. I don't play guitar as well. The person i used to call when i needed her, no longer offered me any sort of comfort of positive feedback. I stopped trying. Well then she started dating good dave, after my coaxing. I saw this as a good thing, Dave and I have been friends for years. The kind of friend you could really rely on. Dave and I are similar souls, we both couldn't do the college thing or really hold things together. Him and i would go on adventures, take pictures, listen to music, he was always there when i needed a friend or a philosophical talk. well this whole thing backfired because now Ginny decided it was now OK if you don't go to a university after high school...but still looked down on me. Ginny and Dave got engaged this summer. I called to congratulate her, because unlike when i got engaged and i told everyone, i found out through facebook.

 I went to their engagement party and found it strange that she made no mention of bridesmaids or anything...but i kept it to myself. i was also hurt because all of them had gone to kevins birthday party the night before, which is about two miles down the street from my house, and i wasn't called for that. About two weeks ago her grandpa passed away and she came back to CT for the funeral. I texted her my condolences and she invited me over for food and drink. I had to work until nine, but fled over after work. I had gotten a card for the family, I've always been close to her family, I wrote something special inside and gave it to her mother when i walked in the door. She was grateful, she showed the card to Ginny, "oh yeah...thats nice..." wow. During my short stay, she didnt even offer me a glass of water. While her and mindy sat in their chairs holding cold beers and eating cookies i sat by myself with the cat. She didn't even ask to see my engagement ring...Ginny's Parents asked to see it and congratulated me. When mindy got tired and said she was going home Ginny turns to me and says, "Yes, I'm quite tired as well." her way of saying, get the fuck out. I came home in tears. At one point while we were there, her and mindy started talking about Ginny's wedding, Mindy asked where she would be sitting, Ginny says the head table. At no point does she say, i will be sitting there, or i'll be sitting with the friends from back home, in fact, I don't think I'm invited at all.

flash to this weekend. Her and Dave came home for thanksgiving. She texted me twice on friday to tell me this. I told her i worked until 6 on saturday but the two of them should swing by my house, because they haven't seen it. I hear nothing back for two days. i wake up this morning (sunday) and i have a text message, recieved at 11:49 pm from dave, it reads like this, "sorry about this we should have told you earlier but kevin and his friend matt, becky and her friend shannon, ginny and i are all chillen at gins place, if you wanna stop in please do and im sorry it was so late to tell you about this". you have got to be fucking kidding me? you thought of me at fucking midnight? was someone too drunk and needed a ride home and thats why you texted me? to use me? to mention all these people i care about and remind me that not one of them thought to call me? I slammed the phone down and said that's fucking it. I'm done. I don't care if we used to be best friends but i'm tired of getting my heart broken. you know, a lot of my friends have buddies from college, i didn't go to college, i have them. And in my heart of hearts, i hoped i always would because they were all special to me, i grew up with these people. but im done. i'm done with getting a text saying, "Hey Im in town" and not hearing from them after i text them back. Im done with asking my friends to come see my house and not having them do it. I'm done with Kevin and Shanna who live 2 miles down the street, who never fucking call me. Or Mindy who has been my friend since i was 3 years old, who lives in town while she finishes grad school and never hearing from her.

And then i look at Mark, who has his friends in town. And who last night was trying to finish his jam room by himself, but couldn't because it's a two man job, and his frustration in the fact that no matter who he asks for help, they always say no. These people don't care. they are fucking selfish. If mark didn't have a house, i doubt they would call him. And that kills me. If he needed help, they wouldn't come, they wouldn't even call to see if he was Ok. and i think thats a lot of the reason why i never made much of an effort with these people.

I'm tired of the selfishness. i'm tired of being looked down on. im tired of when i reach out for help, in an emotional sense, not in the sense of money, and these people turn their backs on me. These are not the qualities i want in a friend. So goodbye.

(on a funny note, last night was also my five year high school reunion. yeah, pretty fucking pumped that i skipped that)

would you look at that, another rant about work..

Today i had enough. My lead tech put the schedule out for this week and next. I could not find one single day out of the next two weeks where i have a shift to look forward to (by that i mean, i get out early, its a short day, anything to get me through). I approached her and said, "I have a bone to pick with you." I tried to be as nice and repectful as possible but i have a feeling it didnt turn out the way, maybe around the time i said, "I've hated every schedule you have given me since you started here," might not have been the right thing to say...

but really, it's true. i told her a few months ago that she should put me on nights for a little while because i really didnt like her version of a morning shift, (10-8 is not a morning shift, just because i get there in the morning does not make it a morning shift) i thought that at least if i said nights, i would have mornings to clean my house or make doctors appoinments or fucking finally get motivated to go to the gym. According to my lead tech a night shift is 12-10. Now fuck me. I have approached her about my schedule at least 1-2 times a month since she started and nothing ever fucking changes. i get thrown under the bus constantly. I look at everyone elses schedules and they have an easy 9-3, or at least getting out at four shift, 2-3 times a week. I do not. ever. And that to me, i believe, is the reason i have increasingly found it difficult to get through my weeks at cvs or even enjoy my days off from there. Well, at least that has to be one of the big reasons...

tomorrow my store rolls out WeCare, our new computer software program. Oh, it feels like just yesturday when we rolled out RxConnect. The only thing is, they gave us a few computer modules to do and didn't send us to other stores, so pretty much 90% of my store has absolutly no idea what they are doing, myself included. So tomorrow i work 12-8 and when i walk in and put my stuff down i will stop and stand in front of the computer and say, "Ok, how the fuck do i work this thing?" and the best part is all the higher ups will be there (including Addie or as Tom calls her "the amazon woman") and of course my pharmacy manager will be coming in on his day off after working his 14 hour.

not looking forward tomorrow...i just want to his fast forward to nine o'clock friday night when this fucking week is over...

So i bought a guinea pig at petco yesturday. She is adorable, super small and young and female, all things i wanted in a guinea pig. I know you aren't supposed to buy animals at pet stores, but it's not her fault if she was born and raised in unsanitary conditions, all animals still deserve a good home i say. Petco gives me a 15 day guarantee and says that if anything is to arise to bring her to their preferred vet, suffield veterninary hospital. Or i could bring her back to petco, sell her back, and once shes better or whatever, i can buy her back. Well i bring my tiny little bundle of joy home and have her on my chest and already she seems to like me. She snuggling and attempting to make little guinea pig sounds (she cant even peep yet, its adorable), and then she sneezes. At first its adorable, this tiny little rodent with a tiny sneeze...but then she sneezes again...and again...and i grow concerned. So i pulled my guinea pig books off the shelf and went online and did a little research. I guess, petstore guinea pigs are prone to have URI's (upper respitory infections). Luckily, my sweet little guinea pig named Pikachu, is only sneezing and possibley wheezing, its really hard to tell. She's perky, drinking water, eating and pooping up a storm but i figured since petco would foot the bill, i should call the vet in the morning...

Ok...so i call. After being on hold for about 10 minutes they tell me their exotics doctor won't be in until monday. Now what the fuck? It's a friday, which means this weekend a lot of vets will be closed all weekend. Why did you give the exotics doctor the day off? So i could have called petco and i could have brought my adorable guinea pig back but i did some further reading. By bringing Pikachu back, i have to sell her back making petco the owner of this guinea pig. They can do whatever the hell they want with her. They could say, "Eh, fuck it, our corporation doesnt want to pay to give this animal antibiotics, put it to sleep or stick it back in the cage and hope someone else buys it and lie to the girl who bought it." Many people who sell their guinea pigs back to petco, never get them back. I'm not doing that. I'm already in love. I know URI's in guinea pigs are a really big deal, but right now it seems like a case of the sniffles, so im going to keep my eye on her. I notice she does sneeze more when i take her out of the cage so for all i know she could be allergic to my purfume or the bedding i used is new to her and when she runs around the cage when i try to pick her up, she's kicking up dust.

the thing is, im not really mad at petco so much as suffield vet. i fucking hate that vet. I adopted my guinea pig, Pokey, from petco, and she was one the best pets i have ever had, and she lived to be six years old. When she started getting sick and stopped eating i was debating whether i should put her down, so i called suffield and made the appointment. But unlike with cats and dogs, i was not allowed in the room when they euthanized her. I would just drop her off and never see her again. This made me very uncomfortable. Pokey would have been alone and scared. Then what, they just chuck her in the waste basket, wash their hands and go home? i couldnt even take her home to bury her in my backyard? But i made the appointment and when the time came, pokey ate a cucumber, i think it was a sign that she really didnt want to go like that. So i called and i cancelled. Pokey died in my arms after the disney movie G-force ended. well a week later i get a $15 bill from suffield vet for a guinea pig euthanization. I'm fucking livid, i call them half screaming in anger, half crying. They tell me "Oh the vet signed off on it." This wasn't about the money, it was only fifteen dollars, this was principle. They put me on hold for 15 minutes and come back to say, "Oh, we'll call you back and see what we figure out." I never heard back from them, i never even got a fucking apology. Losing a pet is very difficult, one the worst things i feel a person to go through, and i was handling my pets death pretty well and moving on with my life until i opened up that letter...

anyway, im spending my day with Pikachu, making sure she's nice and comfy and warm. And also washing my quilt because she peed on it a bunch. My cat is super jealous too. I won't allow him in the room because he's a little asshole and i really can't trust him, but i know he knows some other animal is upstairs getting all mommys attention, so i have to spend some time making sure he's not all upset either...man...if it's this hard with pets, cant wait to start having kids...

for probably about two years i have been attempting to make myself a morning person. in bed at the very least by 11, up at the latest 9 o'clock. then i can work and have oh so much time to everything i want. guess what, it's not working. I used to never sleep, i had soo much trouble for the first 20 years of my life sleeping and one day i didnt (thank you melatonin). well guess what, after two years of getting that solid nine hours of rest my body suposidly requires, im always fucking tired! and depressed! and i get nothing done because i work, come home, have no energy and do nothing. Also, my creativity is freaking gone. The first few days of my vacation, i was attempting to keep myself on my normal routine, thinking because i didn't have to work i could do tons of shit during the day. Well...it didnt work out that way. So today, i slept until twelve, something that would have been normal for me at the age of nineteen but not 23. And guess what, my creativity burst, energy and desire to clean and decorate my house sprung up at about 11 o'clock at night. I decorated the downstairs of my house, actually folded my laundry instead of leaving it in the clean clothes laundry basket, and my office upstairs which has been packed in boxes for fucking months, yeah, it all came together in about an hour.

and i got to thinking...as a teenager, i remember that around 12 o'clock every night after adult swim would switch over the anime is when i would start writing poetry, rearranging my room, actually fucking cleaning my room, getting homework done, writing stories and even novels, drawing, painting, sex, hell i would do Billy Banks Ty boe at 3 in the morning. My creativity, energy and basically any other happiness is at it's peak between the hours of 11pm-4am. And with my work schedule, i cannot be up during those hours. Unless i decide in the near future to give up sleeping or maybe even my job...i dont know if I'll ever be happy...or get anything done for that matter...

I guess it's true, you really just cannot turn a night owl into a morning person no matter how hard you try...

i used to love my job. (no really two former cvs employees that follow this thing, i am being honest!! no sarcasm at all!) Ok i didnt love my job at first, i was too drunk to love my job, but once i actually made a commitment to the place and knew how to do stuff, i loved my job. I believe it was around the time that Greg was a pharmacist there, and people started coming to me to solve problems instead of the other way around, and i was actually good at something that i loved my job. Then it went from love to, "I like my job". there were days i REALLY did not want to be there but days it was ok. Then it went to more days where i REALLY dont want to be here and i'm tolerating being here. Now, after five years. Every single day i walk into that place is a day i REALLY REALLY REALLLLLY don't want to be there. we have no staff, at all. everyone has a bad attitude. the management is incompetent. I hate my schedule. For instance, today i worked open until noon. Came home and now i have to go back and work 3-close. Really? and you know what, at the moment only 2 employees and 2 pharmacists are on. So do you know what i am walking into when i go back? Disaster. I dont mean to offend anyone, but i can't understand why no one else can manage the clear the Que. I dont know why but if i'm at drop off than the production que is a mess. If i am at production, than the drop off window is flooded with scripts. Why can't people multi-task? why cant people get shit done and have some sense of urgency to get said shit done? It has gotten so bad, i am having panic attacks over just having to walk into that place. It has gotten so bad that even if i have a couple days off from that place i cannot enjoy them because seriously, all i can think about is the fact that i have to go back. It's ruining my life and now I am stuck!! Mark and I are engaged and are planning on getting married september 2013. I just had my five year anniversary with cvs which means i get 3 weeks vacation this year. I need that three weeks vacation. I need it so i can get married and go on a honeymoon. I'm fucked...