one of my best friends is marrying another one of my best friends...about a year ago she told me if they were to get married, i would be a bridesmaid...and apparently via facebook i saw she asked a bunch of people, i am not one of them...my heart feels like it's ripped in two. i hate everyone.

It's really hard having a house and a pinterest account. it makes your house look like shit. I have very limited funds and limited furniture. My bedroom is lime green walls, a bed and an end table. It was driving me crazy, so I wanted to go with some kind of oriental theme. I have tons of cherry blossom lanterns and Buddha stuff, so that's the theme I want to go with. The thing is, I don't use my bedroom for much except sleeping, (i have first floor laundry and bathroom, so I just shower and change in the kitchen and dont even bother bringing my clothes upstairs anymore) but when I have people over I don't even bring them upstairs, unless I want to introduce the guinea pig or show them the office. yesterday, I had enough. So I made a table out of two totes (filled with crap I will never need like a prom dress and my graduation gown) and threw a curtain over it that I don't use. It doesn't change the fact that my walls are ugly as hell but it made me feel just a little bit better.

I was pretty proud of myself today, I was in the mood to shop, so I drove around enfield to various craft stores and five below trying to find a project to work on or something pretty to put up, but even if something caught my eye, I looked at the price tag, assessed the damage it would do to my bank account, and came home with nothing but a couple packs of cigarettes. whatever, it was nice to get out of the house...yesterday was frustrating. Mark and I both had the day off. I cleaned almost all morning and afternoon, he slept until one, sat and played a video game all day, then called people and had them over, not even so much as a hello, and he didn't vacuum like I had asked him to. I didn't know what to do with myself, I got kind of antsy and just paced my house, every so often opening up pinterest to see everything that my house is missing. It wasn't a good feeling, so when he went to the package store I tried to take a bath. The most unrelaxing, frustrating experience. First off, our hot water sucks, so it was cold, also our drain appears to be broken, so I hop in and suddenly the water is getting lower and lower...until...poof, gone. I get out even more angry than when I got in and covered in bubbles. And the best part, as he walks in with his friends, apparently all the water from my bath was on the floor in the basement. so theres yet another issue we need fixed with money we do not have. I don't know why people recommend bubble baths, worst experience ever.

On my way home I stopped by my gym and picked up a class schedule, my goal, hit at least three classes this week after work. I'm thinking yoga and zumba. Something to get me out of the house, get my body moving, this angry mooded lifted, maybe meet some new people and get me feeling better. I go back to work tomorrow, and I have to work with my pharmacist that now hates me because I ratted him out to his boss, i'm not looking forward to it. he will either be passive aggressive, or pull me aside to give me a talking to, both outlooks are not good. the thing is, I really wish it wasn't bothering me so much, I think of him and tense up and I get so frustrated, I woke up at 4 in the morning last night, thought of him, got anxious, and couldn't fall back asleep. This is not good...I'm about to all my psychiatrist and have him write a note that I cant work in that store and need a transfer...yeah...wouldn't that be swell...

the most ridiculous phone call i have ever gotten...

I was scheduled to work until 3 today, so I did. Before I left, I waved goodbye to everyone so they knew I was leaving and my station needed to be covered and I left. I was at my in-laws when I got a phone call from my pharmacist. he chewed me up and spit me out earlier this week because I shut my phone off and didn't respond to texts asking me to come in on my day off, so I had to answer it. He used that angry tone, anyone who has worked at cvs knows this tone, and told me point blank that everytime I go home, I need to walk over to the pharmacist and discuss whether I can leave or not and that the next shift he's working he's pulling me into the office with the store manager. I was in shock, as he hung up on me. Really. I have to ask to leave at my scheduled time, even though he had plenty of staff on to get the job done, and never once even hinted to me that he wanted me to stay later, which he really cannot force me to do. I drove home immediately just, in tears from frustration. I didn't go to college because I didn't want one of those jobs that could call me at all hours of the day and night. I work retail, so i'm scheduled to work certain hours and leave at a certain time, so I can have, uh, a life? maybe?

I decided to cover all my bases, first with one of the managers up front so she could call the front store manager. Then my lead tech. Next a close co-worker to vouch for me. Then, I did the most drastic thing I could think of, I emailed my district manager. Something is seriously wrong in my store and has been ever since I can remember, but even people who have worked there for 12plus years say it has never been this bad. I mean really, to get to the point where I have to turn my phone off when I leave so this man can't call me and give me yet another panic attack, something is seriously wrong with that. and to yell at me because I left at my scheduled time, when earlier that day he was complaining that we were over hours, he should be thanking me for leaving on time and saving them time. the icing on the cake? I get a text later that night from another tech, bitchy blonde tech threw a FULL ON FIT in the middle of the pharmacy, pointing her finger in his face, screaming in front of the customers, throwing things around and slamming all the doors on the way out, yet does she get reprimanded for that type of behavior? in front of customers? are you kidding me?

My district manager showed little interest in my problem, blaming it on the beginning of the year insuance cards, flu and roll out of wecare but it is so much more than that, she even went to the point to ask why I didn't tell nate I was leaving. the man was on the phone, I know he clearly saw me wave to everyone and walk out the door. This is ridiculous. I will not push myself over the edge and leave it so I can't have a life for this shit hole...

...I was so desperate the other day I put in an application to walgreens...that's how bad this is...

new additions

I met my puppy for the second time this weekend. His eyes are still shut and he can't walk or anything but he got a little bit bigger, I cant wait until the end of February and we can bring him home. I'm worried about the adjustment, my two main concerns being Toots and Mark. Mark is really excited to have a dog of his own, he's never had one before but Mark isn't the type of person to be out of bed before noon for any reason other than work. I'm really really hoping that with the addition to our family, he takes the initiative to let the dog out and make sure he's fed. I'm worried about Toots because he's kind of a cocky jerk. Most of Toot's life he has been trapped in one bedroom or a one room house, when we moved in he became king of the castle, or so he thinks. I don't know how he's going to feel sharing his living space with a stinky puppy. I'm just excited to have someone to take walks with and give me kisses when I walk in the door (although I have toots and mark for that).

he's only about the size of my guinea pig right now, and looks like he has a lot more beagle in him then shibba inu which makes me nervous. I had a beagle growing up and that dog was trouble. I loved her to death but all she ever learned was how to sit, shake paws and escape. oh and eat out of the trash to the point where we had to leave it on the counter...

Marks birthday is today. We went to the casino yesterday, we didn't win and his friends who stayed in the hotel down the street neglected to call us over or show up until we were leaving, but we had a good time none the less. I felt bad, after Christmas and mortgage payment and wanting to go to the casino, we had no funds to buy him a birthday present. I feel bad because my dad's birthday is in December and he always got the short end of the stick because of holidays. I'm thinking of throwing Mark a half birthday in June to make up for 24 years of that shit, give him the birthday he really deserves.

It really sucks being at this age, I went against one of my new years resolutions and called a few people on Saturday, a lot of people just ignored my call, some said they would be over in a bit and never showed (Alison, you are not in either category, I appreciate you at least responding back to me :)) Anyway, the night ended with me in a fit of tears, kicking myself and asking why I try and shutting my phone off for two days. Which turned out to be a good thing because when I turned it back on today, I had a thousand phone calls and texts from cvs asking me to come in. Go figure, when I go back to work tomorrow it wont be the techs who called out that get yelled at, it will be me for not coming in on a day I requested off two months ago. Fuck it.

Ok, so I normally don't make new years resolutions, for obvious reasons, about 99.9% of people don't stick to them. This year though, I know I really have to, so why not have a jumping off point be the beginning of 2013? The thing is, there is plenty of stuff I've been meaning to do, need to do, but these are huge things...so I will of course state the obvious.

1. I want to work harder on my appearance. Your standard Stina, has about five t-shirts that are in a rotation according to when I get around to doing laundry, you will see me in them consistently and also they aren't flattering and have strings coming off them and holes in unappealing places. Also, I throw my hair into a pony tail (not a nice, flattering one either) and my cheeks glow like Christmas trees. I've come to realize I might have rosacea or some other form of skin condition that would cause my cheeks to glow as if my grandma pinched them so tightly and without mercy. they drive me fucking insane. And to state the even more obvious, I have a beer belly that is getting crazy out of control. So...I've already gone out and bought prosacea for my face, 16 t-shirts for fifty bucks at Kohls (crazy sale, get over there while you can, $20 tops for like 3 bucks, it's a steal), a little bit of exercise (DDR), tapering off the Christmas candy and something I am generally against, but I'm wearing make-up. So there, involved in this one resolution is weight loss, eating better, taking better care of myself and making myself look fab. ta-da!
2. Reading more. I read a lot. like a ridiculous amount but it tapered off a bit at the end of the year after my original kindle broke, but my parents bought me a brand new Kindle fire HD for Christmas so no excuses...although that doesn't help with my next resolution which is...
3. stop spending so much goddamn money! I just bought a house, yet i'm still spending money like I'm living at home with my parents. It ranges from buying a book on my kindle, music on iTunes, random shit for the house....and drum roll....
4. Cigarettes!! god damn it, they need to go!! I can't breathe, i'm wasting money they could be used for a new car or an extravagant vacation or paying my bills on time, I would stop fighting with Mark, I could actually buy nice things for myself instead of going to the dollar bins, I'm out of shape, i'm exhausted...blah blah blah...I already know all this, they need to go because I don't want to be...
5. a smoking bride. My wedding is supposed to be this year and I haven't planned anything so basically I need to get my shit straight and figure out what it is I want. but the more I started thinking about it...the more I don't want a big wedding. Mark and I are starting to consider eloping so we can have a really nice honeymoon, because if we spend all that dough on a big wedding (that will most likely suck) whats left for a honeymoon? I want fucking luxury...I also don't want to throw a party with a bunch of assholes from my life who don't appreciate it.
6. Enter number six. Make new friends. at the end of last year after being pretty much fucked over and verbally abused by the people who used to matter most to me, I decided to say goodbye to those fucks. I get no appreciation from these people, they break my heart everytime I see them, and it's obvious that our friendship means more to me than it does to them. And to top it off, Mark is getting the same shit from his friends. We need new people in our lives...
7. Get a new job! I applied to four different pharmacies yesterday, even stooping as low as to apply at Walgreens. Significant pay cut...but to get me out of that store filled with lazy ass drama fucks, I'll take it.
8. Learn how to relax. I am so uptight, I obsess about fucking everything...I need to learn to fucking chill...without taking Xanax or smoking weed...
9. commit myself to something, and i'm starting to think that should be zumba, twice a week. I am one of those people who can't commit to anything, "Oh yeah, I'll totally help you move" and then avoid my phone all day. "I would love to take that class," or "Yeah, I'll work late on Friday"...post an "I'm sick" status on facebook to get out of anything. I need at least one thing, where when everything else falls apart, I have to do this.
10. build a better relationship with Mark. I'm marrying him and since we moved into his parents house, things have been rocky. A lot has happened and if I want our marriage to be my only one, we need to work thorough some shit.

It was really hard for me to sit down to write this. in fact, i want to get up and walk away from it now, but i have to. i found out about the shooting about 45 minutes before i had to leave for my work shift at 3 o'clock...though Facebook of all places. As soon as i saw that first candle post with something saying the victims of Sandy Hook i knew it was bad, and i goggled it immediately. To find out such a tragedy could happen in my own backyard (just about an hours drive from my home) i became so discouraged. I started thinking of the worst. The parents who got there Christmas shopping done early and had presents under the tree for their children who would never come home, the parent kissing their child on the cheek and packing the last lunch for their child that they would never even have the chance to eat, a couple who had so much trouble even conceiving a child and having this miracle brought onto them only to send them off to somewhere that is supposed to be safe, and have the child slaughtered for no apparent rhyme or reason. It felt like 9/11 all over to me. Because even with things like columbine or virginia tech, those things had at least some kind of explanation, teenage raging hormones and distress, and today, no reason. Innocent children taken for no reason and absolutely no reason behind it whatsoever. To me, i have no personal attachment to the people these tragedies have befallen, but that is no reason for me to feel bad about what has happened. i cried as i read the first headlines, i listened to the radio all the way to work and felt crestfallen with every word said. My hope in humanity has been slipping ever so slightly with every week that passes, friends abandoning me, family abandoning me, feeling so lost, broken, confused...and to hear...this.

These children did not even have the chance to feel remorse or feel guilt for making tragic mistakes like picking on some kid to the point that they would point a gun at them. They did nothing wrong. And me, at that point in my life where children is only a short road away, I feel as if i cannot do it. I feel as if i cannot bring a child into this world as it would be much too selfish. And part of me hopped, no more begged, that when i walked into work, someone would feel the way I did. After 9/11, a nation came together, people came together, people, even if for only a short time were nicer to one another. When i walked into work today, i expected something like this to happen, i expected at least a few people to feel what i felt...and this was not so. Everyone was still the same cocky asshole just like they always are, my fellow pharm techs appeared as if they had not even heard the news...life went on...and maybe thats how it is supposed to but i couldn't do it. the only person in the pharmacy who seemed to have some vague idea that there is something wrong was my pharmacist Chris, a woman who has children, who said very little all day...but had glazed eyes...and with every mention would leave or pickup the phone. And i felt for her, i really did. I do not have children, but I feel things far to strongly.

I don't know what is wrong with the world. A few years ago everyone claimed the world would end in only a week from now, and at this point i welcome it. Mark squeezed me tight and told me to hang on as i left for work...only to walk into my house 5 hours later to a full swing party in effect. It was hardly mentioned, and at first, my intention was to run. to run as far away from this house and from these selfish people as quickly as possible...but fuck it...what the fuck can i do...what the fuck do i do with myself for these many hours...i ate, picked up a beer and didn't look back. And now... i feel terrible. i don't know what type of lesson to take out of this. If i had a crowbar in my car, I would be in jail after that driver i followed home tonight. I was getting off the highway, this car had no turn signal, i switched lanes to get off the highway, he swerved in front of me, drove at about 4 miles an hour, pushing to passenger around, playing around. endangering my life and their passenger. when we got to a stop light i almost threw my car in park, slammed on the window and screamed, "18 children are dead and you can pretend everything is fine! You can endanger my life and your own, you are selfish, inconsiderate and the worst human being I have ever had the displeasure to ever meet. If you were considerate to just a few people maybe shit like this wouldn't happen!"   but i refrained...by some act of god I refrained...and i drank...and i feel worse. I talked to people...had one of my friends come by, not just Marks...but it felt like no one understood. A few words uttered but no full out conversation. I did not meet these kids, teachers, staff...for all i know i do not know a single soul in Newtown, CT. but for the love of god, if no lesson can be learned from this incident, then all we will feel is loss. Those lives were lost for no reason, those tears we shed mean nothing, human decency, kindness, consideration...all these things could give some kind of meaning to one of the greatest tragedies anyone of my generation will ever, hopefully any generation, will ever experience.

Tonight before i fall into an intoxicated sleep, i will grab my fiance's hand and we will pray, for the lives lost and the hope that this will never happen again. For the parents, siblings, aunts, uncles...for everyone affected by this. For the people like me...hoping against all hope that they do not lose all hope in humanity as i have, and for fucking god sake, that the person responsible for this is fucking burning in hell where that mother fucker belongs because i swear to fucking god, if i ever bear a child, if anything ever happens to that precious being there will be mother fucking hell to pay.

25 days of christmas

 DEC 1st: YOUR  VIEW TODAY

Do you see this pile of leaves? The picture does not do it justice, it's mamoth and would be even bigger if all the leaves in my tiny yard were actually in it. It's December second, that pile was made in October. When Mark and I moved in we had an agreement, I do all the laundry and he does the yard work. Guess what? He has clean clothes but I have a crummy lawn :( The thing that also ticks me off is that yesturday it was snowing and i didn't take a picture, a much better way to start off this photo challenge. 

                                                  
                                             DEC 2ND: FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIE
I bought this bad boy at Walmart for nine bucks yesturday. I love Rudolph aside from the sexism, mean, unaccepting people of the North Pole...etc. 

It's my first Christmas in my new home. I had this place decked out not even a week after Thanksgiving. Pretty much everything is Christmas. Mark and I got our tree on Thursday, and my god does it smell good in here. As a kid i never had the luxury of having a real tree but the year Mark and I moved out for the first time and lived on our own, we got one and I was hooked. Granted, your fake plastic tree is a lot less work, no worries about that thing falling off the roof of your car, or vacuming up pine needles, or having to water it or even waiting to get it (just pull it up from the basement). But i love the smell of a real tree, and I like a tree that has character. This is the first year Toots has actually seen a christmas tree. So far he hasn't climbed it or knocked off any ornaments although he is eating it. Cats are carnivores so why my cat is so hungry for pine needles, I will never understand.

Seeing as my parents are living the condo life and have limited parking, space in the condo and all the rest, we're doing Christmas eve at my house this year. I'm a little nervous, my parents usually go all out for this thing. Amazing food, prizes and games, etc. I'm trying not to disapoint but we're kinda strapped for cash right now. Do you know how much oil is? The begining of october we put 100 gallons in our tank and it cost us over three hundred bucks! Guess what, it's Decemeber and we're already down to an eighth of a tank...luckily, I'm almost done Christmas shopping.

I leave you with pictures of my amazing family.

As you can see baby Toots is intrigued by this whole tree idea, but is still too afraid to sleep under it. Can't wait to get a picture of that.

Baby Pikachu, she's feeling much better and is starting to ever so slowly warm up to me. Last night i was up in my office and she actually came out of her igloo and was running around the cage, climbing and peeping (it's still quiet but i know as she gets older she will have quite a set of lungs on her.) It was as if she was putting on a show for me and wanted to tell me about her day. Fucking adorable. I feel bad leaving her up in that office, guinea pigs are really social animals and love to be in the center of all the action but I visit and hold her any chance i get, even if it's just poking my head in to have a little chat. Maybe i can convince santa to bring her a brother or sister.


OH! speaking of which! my aunts dog might be pregnant because she's lazy and didn't get her dogs neutered or spayed. Anyway, Bella is a beagle/weiner dog mix and Cody is a shiba Inu. Google shiba inu...they are the most fucking adorable dogs and if she does in fact have puppies i get first pick of the pups. Our family just keeps getting bigger and bigger...