the good, the bad...

yesterday I met with the chiropractor at the physical therapy place. He's not overly friendly, the way my previous chiropractor was (because he was trying to make a sale), yet helpful, and professional. He took my history and examined me and I explained what the quack had told me (3 times a week for a year, degeneration,etc.) he says to me, "Look, i'm going to tell you right off the bat, none of that is necessary. And if I had to see you three times a week for that long of a period of time, I would change my therapy plan because obviously it's not working." I like him already, right off the bat, he agreed to fill out my paperwork for FMLA, and i'm realllly hoping I can get them to throw out the previous guys statement and close this whole stress, and workers comp investigation. I'm not working because im in pain, not because the place stresses me out. Besides, it's not just work that's causing stress in my life, take finances for example. He applied to electodes to stimulate my back along with heat, then he started this thing called the gaston technique. he puts this cream on my back and scrapes a dull metal tool across my back, to chip away some of the bad stuff and promote healing. He told me some people say it feels really good, some say they barely feel it, some say its excruciating, unfortunaly im one of the people who says it's excruciating. He didn't even have to adjust me, but once I left his office, I already felt and improvement and  was even able to go to bed without taking a vicodin. That's how a chiropractor is supposed to feel? no way...although it didn't last, I woke up in a little bit of pain, I was able to sleep last night and at least for a few hours feel somewhat better.

After his appointment I went and saw my primary care doctor, who can be kind of a dick. he feels my back once, and does the reflexes in my knees and says, "I don't know why your in pain, you shouldn't be in pain." Well fucktard, I don't know why im in pain either, I just want it to go away and get my life back. he starts going on and on about stress (great, another thing for FMLA not to approve my claim) and says that these PT people aren't going to be able to help me and throws some Cymbalta samples at me. He's refusing to refill my vicodin prescription, but he gave me an anti-inflammatory instead. I'm hoping this won't be an issue, i'm hoping in seeing these new people I can get this whole thing under control because really that's what I want before I start launching into this whole scale brigade of psychiatrists and therapists and prescription drugs. It just pisses me off, I dumped my psych doc maybe a month or two ago and managed to (by myself) taper off the Xanax. I really just don't want to have to depend on those meds again, and the Cymbalta (the one anti-depressant that doesn't totally fuck up my life) has no generic and costs fucking thirty bucks a month for me, money I do not have. I also don't have forty bucks to spend on a psych visit, although I know once I get through this back pain, maybe that will all be for the best.

I went and saw my new chiropractor this morning, again the stimulation, heat, graston tool and he did a slight adjustment, much different then what my other chiropractor would do. My other chiropractor would crack me to the point where it would make this very loud sound, to make it sound like he had done something great, only to feel no relief after. This guy, barely any loud audible cracks, but a definite decent feeling after. I start PT on Monday and I have a follow up with him after, i'm hoping it goes well and by taking the initiative to strengthen my back, this problem will start to get fixed.

I just can't help it though, I know stress bad...push it away, but I really cant help but think about it. How this guy totally screwed me over, how my doctor can just completely not care, how Unum may not approve my short term disability and I'll have to go back to work and suffer. I want to write a bad review about that chiropractor, because somehow there aren't any online about him (that's why I went to him, I thought I was making a good decision), I want to warn people. I just don't want to get sued...but maybe a letter to his office may be a good route. he also gave me his home phone number...so I may feel inclined to pass that around to a few choice drunk people from time to time...hehehe...

I get woken up this morning with a phone call from Unum, they are handling my short term disability claim. My fucking chiropractor put neck pain as the main reason i'm missing work and underneath it he put stress from work (which would then make it a workers comp claim!) At this point they can't even approve my claim and he's making it sound like im faking it! He didn't even mention the back pain. Maybe the stress from work initially caused this pain, but that's not why im not working. i'm not working because i'm in pain, I cant stand for long periods of time, I can't concentrate because of the pain and get my job done. It's been over a month and I haven't seen even the slightest improvement, I have to take about 4 vicodin a day for the pain. Although, I made an appointment for PT, I called and made an appointment with my primary care doctor. But after talking to the woman from Unum, even once they get all my medical histories, I will still, unlikely be able to stay on disability. I feel like such an idiot. I didn't get the MRI because it was too expensive, I went to this chiropractor because I needed help, and he never gave it to me, all of a sudden it just turned into this shit storm. I've never been to a chiropractor, so I don't know what to expect, so when he says it's a process, I believed him. I believed that the first few treatments wouldn't provide any relief because they fucking didn't. I went to him BECAUSE I wanted to go back to work, I didn't want to be in pain when I was there. And now look at the position I'm in? Because he filled out the paperwork and put that shit down, even if I get my second opinion from my primary and a physical therapist, it doesn't matter. And even if I do decide to file it under a workers comp claim, I'm not seeing a therapist, I dumped my psychiatrist a month ago because he wasn't helping and all he was doing was feeding me Xanax. I'm fucking screwed and this fucker knows it. After I left his office yesterday, he knew I wasn't coming back and he had to fuck me over some way...

I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why i'm in pain, I don't even trust his diagnosis anymore, I didn't get in an accident or fall down the stairs, it just happened one day and hasn't left. I want this to be fixed, as much as I hate my fucking job, I want to be well enough to at least fucking do it. I feel so let down, so just lost and I have no hope in anyone. Yeah, my doctor can help a little, maybe. Yeah, the physical therapists might be able to get me on the road to recovery, but that I know actually takes time.

I just can't get over the fact, that I went to this guy because I felt I had no other options and up until yesterday I thought he was actually helping me. I feel so fucking stupid. All of a sudden he's just fucking me over right and left, the second I walked into that office, money signs probably popped into his eyes...

where'd all the good people go?

So for a few weeks I've been seeing a chiropractor for my back, with little improvement, but he kept telling me it's a process so I told myself I just needed to be patient. I guess there were a signs along the way that make sense now but I decided to ignore. I'm on short term disability, completely unable to do my job, I had to take at least three weeks off of work to get better. I've been doing a trial with my chiropractor and today he wanted mark to come in so we could discuss where my treatment was to go from here. Right along he's been telling me that this is an injury caused by stress, just causing things to not line up properly and that after a few weeks I should be good as new. Then he starts telling me it could be 12 weeks to 8 months until i'm back to normal. He goes on and on about how he's not one of those doctors who wants you hanging around the office, and he wants to get you out of there as soon as possible. My thoughts going into this meeting were that he would give me exercises to do from home to help me improve my situation, and Mark was there so he understood was expected of me so he could help. Suddenly, he's launching into a story about how my back is totally out of alignment and that i'll need to be in therapy for over a year, in the beginning seeing him up to 3 times a week, or degeneration will begin. Now, hold on a second...why hadn't any of that come up in any of my prior sessions? In fact, when I think about it, he gave me no advice on what to do outside the office at all. Not even whether I should use ice or heat. And anytime I had gone to see him, I never felt even the slightest relief after a session...that's not how chiropractic medicine is supposed to work. Mark was pissed and I could tell, he was cold, and biting his tongue as much as he could. Me, I try to at least listen to a shpeal of bullshit and then never call the person back. So his receptionist/wife came in and went over the expenses, it would cost me over three thousand dollars to do this and a year of my time! oh but they had a great deal going on, put down half the money up front and they take off three hundred bucks! yeah right...

It just pisses me off. I went to that office because they were nice people, who seemed like they really could help me at a time where I was so lost and just so helpless, only to be scammed. I decided to call a physical therapy office in enfield, although they can't schedule me for a physical therapy evaluation until next Thursday she said she would have me meet with their chiropractor so I could get some relief. At that point I didn't even realize you could get relief from a chiropractor, I thought it was a "process." Also, before their chiropractors crack you, they loosen your muscles with like electodes and apply either ice or heat, because apparently, just cracking you isn't the most effective route to take. Anyway, I think that by taking action and strengthening the muscles in my back and neck, maybe getting a few massages and learning a few exercises at home, i'll be in much better hands and my wallet will be in much better shape as well.

It's been a little over three weeks now since I hurt my back, how I did it I still don't know. It started as a dull pain behind my eyes turning into a full on migraine by lunch time. Then a knot in my neck, then pain throughout my entire back, legs, arms, everywhere. its different everyday, but always present. I wake up, step outside with a cigarette and my coffee and slowly it starts creeping throughout my back, into my neck, down my legs, and evolves from there. I've missed a lot of work, I've tried going in a few days only to ask the pharmacist if I could leave early, after sitting on a stool most of my shift, then they look at me all irriatated and angry. I've been seeing a chiropractor but like he says it's a process and like he said to me today, it could be 12 weeks to 8 months before i'm feeling better, which really got me down. what really pissed me off was during my Friday shift, I didn't have to sit for most of my shift but I was in a lot of pain, but asshole pharmacist was on. I called my doctor, I had been out of pain meds for a few days because I had to take them more frequently then prescribed because of the level of pain. So he called them in for me. I filled them as a waiter. As the pharmacist is checking them, he can see im in pain, also he has about three other girls on with him, also there is a blizzard outside and the store is closing early. So instead of sending me home early, he checks them and says, "Stina, you script is all set," and goes on with his day. I couldn't believe him. then he sends another girl home early. I was pissed. It's vicodin, I cant take it and then drive through a blizzard, I was furious.

My chiropractor believes this whole condition was brought on by stress, mostly because of my job and once all of this is over, he really thinks I need to find a new one. Mark was going over our finances and also came to the same conclusion. But I don't even know where to start when it comes to finding a new job. I'm really starting to think i'm going to have to go on a medical leave of absence because i'm in so much pain, especially when I have to stand there for 9 hours a day. you are in that much pain. its also impaing my ability to even to my job, it's hard to concentrate when its causing a lot of other issues too. I cant sleep at night because i'm so uncomfortable. I cant eat, I've lost 11 pounds in three weeks, and the thing that scares me the most about that figure is the fact that I've been constipated for a lot of that time because of the pain meds so how am I losing this weight? im running out of options at this point, we don't have much money for me to continue seeing a chiropractor, and even though my parents offered us money, Mark and I aren't the types who take handouts. But it's kind of hard to concentrate on getting better when your working 40 hours a week with an unsupportive cast of assholes...

It's called common sense

So my state get two feet of snow dumped on it last night, to the point where when I wake up this morning and I try to go outside for my morning cigarette and I can't open the door. I was supposed to work today, the first Saturday I've been scheduled in like six months or maybe even longer, figures, I get scheduled during a blizzard. well I text my manager asked if there is a delayed opening, I have no cable so I have idea what the road situation or anything is, I just know it has to be bad. no open until 12...then an hour later...1pm. Well, my situation looks pretty bad, I live two towns over from work. Also, when I look on line the governor didn't just close the highways, but all the roads in the state. Also, I hurt my back about three weeks ago and I cant touch a shovel, doctors orders, so I cant dig myself out of this driveway.

Well, the morning is carrying on and i'm expecting a text message declaring the store closed. There is no reason for it to open. why make us all drive out there, risk our lives, for no customers? There are twenty four hour pharmacies for people who need them, if they really really need them. It's called common sense, it's a Saturday, so only 3 techs and one pharmacist would be on, why open the damn place, make these four people drive out there for a five hour shift? well, the governor just declared the roads to remain closed until 6pm, my pharmacist cant even get out of his driveway and he cant even get to the store if he wanted to. My fiancé is still sleeping and hasn't even begun to shovel so even if they wanted me there, I ain't goin. but the common courtesy of a little common sense and text message saying store closed and not having make the governor declare, "NO DON"T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" would be nice...

I started re-reading the happiness project because I really need to start my own. it got me thinking, it is almost impossible to undertake all the tasks that I want to do in big steps. Losing 40 pounds, planning an entire wedding, quitting smoking, finding a new job...doing all that is pretty damn difficult when there are so many other issues in my life that need to be addressed. I have a lot to be happy for and a lot that i'm not appreciating today. so I made a list, a list of tiny ways to improve my situation that if done consistently can get me a little closer to my goals without overwhelming me and forcing me to quit but make me happier in the long run.

• Say no to five things everyday (a candy bar on my lunch break, that second cigarette on the drive home, watching one more episode of It's always sunny in Philadelphia before doing something important. Granted I have to remind myself that it is saying no to something bad, not saying not to the gym or eating my vegtables)
• find a way to let it go (I let things my boss said to me, fights with my fiancé, stay with me for weeks on end and nibble away at me and fill me with unhappy, unhealthy emotions, no more, I need to forgive and forget)
• do one physical activity for at least 20 mins daily (play dance dance revolution, lift weights while I watch tv, fuck, run around the house, anything. Eventually, I can boost the 20 mins to something longer and more beneficial for weight loss)
• Walk it off (walking can boost energy levels and relieve stress. Also, i'm sure the puppy coming home next month would enjoy it.)
• I don't need to talk shit or take sides (this one is mostly for work. there is so much bad energy in that place, we all talk shit about everyone, even people I consider friends. I need to just shut my mouth, do my job, and stop poisoning myself with this gossip)
• At least 2 meals daily have to be healthy decisions (no dunkin donuts breakfast sandwich and stouffers mac and cheese for me)
• take minimum 2 classes at the gym weekly (I was doing this and mark asked me yesterday if I had lost weight, I jumped on the scale, in two weeks I lost six pounds.)
• eat first thing in the morning (this one is hard. I'm hypoglycemic, if I don't eat, my blood sugar drops and I get cranky and sick for the rest of the day. the issue? my stomach issues make it so I am not hungry for at least two hours after I wake up, my gag reflux does not allow that food to go down my throat. Just gotta force it down)
• meditate 15 minutes a day
• watch less tv
• feeling frustrated? do something creative (write, paint ceramics, glue some pictures out of a magazine into a collage, anything)
• write even if I have nothing to say (I read this in the artists way, you had to do morning pages, 3 hand written pages even if you had nothing to say to get the creative juices flowing. it was really helpful, until I stopped doing it..)
• if I feel like pigging out or being lazy...avoid the first level of my house (just seeing that comfy couch and bowl of Christmas candy trigger my lazy senses)
• bring a camera...use camera (I used to take pictures all the time, and because of that I have tons of pictures from good times with my friends. Now, Mark and I have barely any pictures together)
• listen, don't wait for my turn to speak (this may be why I don't have a lot of friends and I hate conversation)
• If I feel overwhelmed...shut off the phone (again, pertaining to work)
• avoid facebook (it's a time sucker! a waste of time! and it makes you feel bad "Oh why can't I have as many friends as that person." or "they look like they are having an awesome time without me" shut it down.
• be more open to meeting new people (I went to a few classes at my gym and I noticed after I left that I left myself completely unopen to conversation, I sat in the back of the room, scowl on my face and arms crossed, before classes started. I wouldn't talk to me either!)
• if I have any doubts...don't drink (if im in a bad mood, haven't eaten enough that day, don't want to drunk call or text my friends...best to avoid the sauce)
• keep a positive blog (im such a drag on this thing...I only open it up to vent, that's what my nice leather bound journal is for)
• keep a food journal (keeping track of what I eat, can hopefully provide better eating decisions)
• write it out, fold it up, forget about it (my boss pissed me off, my fiancé is a slob, I did something stupid, write every single thing that happened, how it made me feel, open up a bottle of wine and burn it in my firepit and forget about it, move on bitch)
• remember, any positive step is a good step (I often forget the good things that happen to me or good things I have achieved, I let the bad decisions cloud the good so often)
• clean before bed (i'll feel better getting ready for work if the house is clean and I wont feel so overwhelmed)
• don't leave it for sunday (that mountain of laundry, my disgusting bathroom, mopping the floor, sunday should be for relaxation, not cleaning up Monday-Saturday clutter)
• show love/appreciation. (i'm not the only one who needs positive feedback, mark does too, if someone does something nice, show how much it made my day)
• live in the moment, forget about what is to come (so often, mark and I will be playing around but the only thing running through my mind is what i'm making for supper, my work schedule the next day, when im going to have my next cigarette, I need to cease these thoughts and enjoy what is happening in the now)
• before driving home for work, leave it at work (this could possibly be when I do my daily meditation)
• eat out less (its unhealthy and expensive. also, this sounds sexual...haha)
• think before every purchase (I spend too much money, on stupid shit. do I need everything with hello kitty on it? do I need this pack of cigarettes? will the smoking meditation cd for 40 bucks really benefit me? will I use it?)
• learn new recipes (soooo sick of the food I can cook!! this could be fun for me and mark, a nice challenge and rewarding. And not make me want to go out to eat all the time)
• give something up
• don't ignore primal needs (so often I put off or don't address whats bothering me, I need to go to the bathroom but I don't feel like it, im hungry but I don't want to cook. Not just toddlers get upset and cranky if they don't get enough sleep, get off your ass and do it!)
• if I lose something, clean (I stole this from the happiness project. I will tear apart the house trying to find my keys, and before I run out the door see I made a massive mess, leaving me more frustrated than when I couldn't find what I was looking for. If I clean, not only will I find the item, everything goes back where it is supposed to (preventing future losses) and I achieved something)
• have an indoor activity and outdoor activity with Mark (so often our spending time together is either going out to eat or sitting in front of the tv, not much time for a good conversation or bonding. I was thinking a board game, learning to play guitar in his jam room he worked so hard on, and golf. I love golf, i'll admit it)
• if all else fails, write a list (I love lists, but I never follow through with them. but it is relaxing, getting all those racing thoughts of what I have to do or what I have done on paper)
• read daily, even if its only before bed (I love to read and it's important to keep my mind stimulated, I need to fit it in my day more but not let it consume me like I used to)
• everyone has negatives, concentrate on the positive (so often I will meet someone or talk to an old friend and sit there and concentrate on every negative thing about that person, making me dislike them. yeah this person has negatives, but what is good about them? I'm not the best either, unless there is something I cant get around (this person is a murderer) try my hardest to like them
• let the sun in (we live in a cave, curtains always drawn, sunlight kills germs and promotes positive feelings, draw the curtains)
• feeling sad? laugh, watch a funny cat video (so often I get sad and I want to remain feeling sad, nope, cant have that)
• smoking is not the solution to boredom, hunger or sadness (my solution to everything, especially on the weekends is to smoke, "I don't know what to do with myself" smoke. "Im hungry but I don't want to cook" smoke. "My best friend hurt my feelings" smoke.)
• don't wait for the phone to ring (why aren't they calling me? i'm so bored...why wont my friends call me? I have to make the first step sometimes too)
• if it pops in my head, do it (nagging tasks. so often I realize I need to do something, like scrub that ring of filth out of my bathroom sink, it sits on my brain like a parasite until I finally get around to it hours later. just do it already and then I can forget about it)
• don't wait for tomorrow (so often I say, Monday I start doing this. why wait another day to not do something and eventually just not do it anyway. start now, it takes 21 days to make something a habit, that's one less day where it's hard)
• drink more tea
• sing on my way to work and on my way home (to prevent traffic frustration, smoking and relieve stress. Also, so the world can hear my killer pipes)
• if I want a cigarette, wait ten minutes (one day, i'll stop staring at the clock, get caught up in a task and a few hours will have gone by without even realizing it...then I quit eventually)
• Xanax is not the cureall to all of lifes problems, neither is any other pill (I rely on pills for everything, stomach aches, head aches, sleep, depression. I need to find healthy solutions to these problems instead of popping a pill and hoping it will fix everything)
• dump my psychiatrist, get a therapist (psych visit-no talk therapy, $40 copay. Therapist-someone who actually listens, $15 copay...its an easy decision)
• scribble down all ideas, whter they sound dumb or not, better to remember a bad I dea then forget a good one
• don't always say no to sex
• if ive seen it, don't watch it (I have watched every American dad, king of the hill, south park, family guy...why do I still watch them daily)
• use cash, not the debit card (yeah, its easy to spend with a card, but to actually count out that cash and watch it slip away, might prevent a lot of unnecessary purchases)
• plan my wedding, ask for help if I need it, remember this is a good day (I've had so much trouble planning the greatest day of my life. I have very few friends, and was so wrapped up in the fact that I have no bridesmaids. why does that matter? I'm marrying my best friend, I don't need no bitches up there with me.)

What can you do to improve your life?

enough is enough

I didn't look over my shoulder as I left last night, it was just the pharmacist and two girls who aren't trained. I felt bad but I tried not to, I had a zumba class to attend. the three people who called out yesterday, I wish it was their problem but I know my pharmacist will be pulling me aside and asking me why I didn't stay. because im done. because im done coming home and being this angry monster to my fiancé. i'm done weighing 185 pounds. I am done going the extra mile for assholes and being friends with assholes. im done not being appreciated. I am done living in anxiety attacks and needed Xanax to fall asleep and forget. I am done pacing this house, afraid, scared lonely and anxious, dwelling on stupid shit AND WORK!! this is not what I signed up for, this is not in my job description. I am not an executive, this is not a career. you wanna yell at me for not staying past my scheduled shift, fine. Im gonna go fucking live my life....