starting over

So today is the first day i was able to pull myself out of bed without sleeping for 12 hours...i feel pretty good actually. For the past week and a half i have been bed ridden, feeling just completly fatigued and unable to stand for more than a few minutes without getting dizzy. I had to go to the ER on tuesday, where they tested me for everything they could think of but came back with nothing. The one thing that i'm still waiting for results on is to see if i have lyme disease, which would suck but i can live with that...it would at least be an explanation as to why when i get sick, i get fucking real sick. Yesturday, i was feeling ok, a few dizzy spells and a bit fatigued but the color finally returned to my cheeks, thank you doxycycline. Mark and i had a massive cleaning frenzy yesturday, well i did the dishes, he vacumed and straightened up and cleaned the bathroom...have to say, i've never seen him so sexy in my life.

We talked with his parents yesturday and it's official, we'll be moving in with them december first. Can't say this was our first choice but we are really bogged down with bills. We've cut food shopping from our budget for a few months now and its really getting to us. Plus, we want to buy a house and get our lives off the ground as soon as possible and this is the only way we'll save any of our money. Also, i have to take out a loan and buy a new car this month as mine has officially shit the bed and i have maxed out my credit card. I know this arrangment will start actually getting to me around january 1st. I love his mom, i really do...and i mean this in the nicest way but she is the definition of the mother. She offers you just about everything she has the second you step in the door. "Cup of tea? Let me warm up some food for you? Are you cold, heres a blanket? You need an aspirin? Oh you can't take that without food, heres apple sauce and hot chocolate." and believe me, i love being treated like a princess as much as the next girl but a lot of days after i get out of work or school, i just want to go to my room, kick up my feet and lay down and not talk to anyone for at least 45 minutes. It's really going to suck having no privacy to speak of and sex will be nearly impossible as mark has the squeekest bed known to man kind, which means doing it on the floor...which also means rug burn. ugh...

Today i go back to school and after a week of being so sick and even unable to open up a school book, needless to say i am really behind. Especally in my spanish class. I have a quiz next week and i dont even know what its on yet. Tommorrow i'll be returning to work and i am dreading it. I called out for a week, so they are going to be real pissed at me when i finally come back. I just cant wait to get the cold shoulder from everyone and that talking to from Nate, that he has been treatening me with all week. I understand the frustration, that they have most likely been really short handed all week, but i was jsut too sick to come in. I know this isn't the first time i've called out but i really can't help it. This year has been HELL and i'm really starting to think my reputation is never going to change there. I'm also begining to realize that with the job i have and hours i work it's making me a miserable mess. I need to start looking for something else because this job is reallly killing me in every sense of the word. I am completly unhappy there... and thats really the main thing in my life i wanna fix within this upcoming year.

wishfull thinking

Weekend from hell and somehow i made it through alive and almost feeling slightly better because of it. Not quite sure at this point if i have officially hit rock bottom or if i just gained a bit more optimism. Mark ditched me twice the weekend, something that if i did, i would be screamed at ridiculously. i wandered around tville with a bottle of wine and a dead phone until mary showed up and stayed up to talk with me, something i greatly appreciated because any person i have asked to come talk to me, talks about themselves and never really listens to what i have to say. Unfortunatly, the booze had such a hold on me that night i dont remember what i had talked about with anyone i encountered that night. Saturday was a hungover mess, where i could not get a hold of my boyfriend and anxiety ate away at me, preventing me from doing anything. i am very unsure at this point what my life really means to me. What i'm saying is, i feel myself giving up hope in a lot of things. While i anxiously waited for my sloppy drunk boyfriend to respond to me i watched a documentary on North Korea, something i should not have done. The documentary was about doctors that came into the country to correct a simple problem that plaugued its people, causing much of the population to be blind. Completley cut off from the world, this country is completly and utterly brainwashed, it is by far the scariest thing i have ever witnessed.

At the very end, they remove the bandages and the people can see after years of blindness. Walking past the doctors and not even thanking them, they drop to their knees and praise the great kim jong ill for giving them their sight back and proclaim their all out devotion to him, the entire room is in an uproar of praise. There is no longer a distinction between all out devotion and fear....already being incredibley emotional from everything else going on in my life, i lose it and cry hysterically. I felt as if i had lost all hope in mankind, god and just about everything else. I have already always had my uncertaintly about all these things, being in an american history class i find it incredibley difficult to have national pride. After watching monstrosities like genocides and full on brainwashing and destruction to earth, senseless wars, genocide of natives to establish the lands and countries we recognize today, humans bring no positives to this world. i feel as if we are a virus. And i feel like theres no way for me to put this into words and no one or no god i could talk to to make me feel better in any of this. Religion in my life only provoked fear. Science is the only thing that seems to make any sense to me because so many small, little insignificant things over billions of years, with so many details in play had to happen to create life. (i have been watching the universe waaaay too much)

There is a futurama episode that i love as an example. Bender gets stuck flying aimlessly through space for all eternity and meets god, who is a star system deep in the galaxy.Bender asks "god" to send him back to earth...god responds with, "earth, which direction is that?" its as if even if there was a god, the universe is so expansive and infinite, how could a god even answer our prayers? I know the answer to my happiness and success is in my own hands, i've known this for years but never make the effort to fix any of that. I know a god cant fix my problems or ease my pain. I know that alcohol is not answer because i lose my memory and do things i always regret, causing me to spiral downward. I know the human race will end some day because we will destroy ourselves. I guess what i need to do is stop reading so deeply into the big picture and overanalyze everything (from the meaning of life to what someone said to me and why) and live my life the best i can. And i guess at the moment, thats just what the meaning of life is to me.

and now what?

I need to get my shit straightened out very quickly. i feel so unsure in what to do with my life right now. I'm in school, but i'm not pursuing anything. I don't even know what i should even begin to pursue. and so what if i ever figure that out because anything i really do want to do requires at least 4 years of schooling and how do i manage that? I'm not a very smart person, i barely know how to write something in MLA and i'm terrible with research. I'm surprised i can make it through a school as easy as asnuntuck, but i can't actually go to a REAL school. I wouldn't be able to handle it. And even if was actually somehow able to do that, how the fuck would i pay for it? My 230 dollar paychecks that i come home with every week? I need a new job, i can't stand what i do. Everyday i have to work i wake up with a sense of dread and in the nine hours that i'm there, i'm gritting my teeth just wishing that today would be different but it never is. I wish i could actually keep myself from working my ass off and have lazy days where i get to stand around and eat kit kats and give everyone the illusion that i'm doing something when clearly i'm not. I need a new car because mine shit the bed. I'm sick of bumming rides off family members and getting an attitude from mark because he has to drive to windsor locks to pick me up. When he yells at me that i need a new car but we both no i have absolutly no means of actually making that a reality until we move out of this shit hole that is falling apart around us. I'm really not excited about moving in with his parents, if that is at all a posibility. I"m tired of wishing for my future to come where i can have a family and a house and a steady paycheck coming from a job i actually like...but right now i'm so unsure what fucking path to take.

What type of car should i get? How do i go about finding a new job? How do i get friends to stick around? Where am i going to be living in a couple of months? How the fuck do you save money? What should i be aspiring to be when i grow up? I have so many questions and he's just dragging his feet beside me while i'm stuck playing the nagging girlfriend. I just want him to for once step up and help me actually figure this shit out so im not stuck worrying...constantly...

ups and downs

I hate camping. I hate being stuck out in the wilderness where i know bears, poisonous snakes and other such creatures are within a few mile radious. i dont like standing next to a beaver dam in the evening and being told that a ton of snakes were there that morning lying in sun. I dont like total darkness. i dont like have to pee with the door open and not being able to flush. i dont like his mothers side of the family because they are fucking NUTS and self centered. I dont like that this whole trip has made me so much more stressed out and today is my first day back to work. I could vent some more because i had to deal with so much bullshit this last week i want to scream, but fuck it. His grandparents did send me home with a 4 month old kitten that i named toots and he's the cutest thing in the whole world. i love him soo much already. and thankfully this cat solidifys the fact that we have to get out of this bee infested hell hole a.s.a.p.

i wemt with my mom to the vfw on saturday for some party. i got waaay too drunk like i usually do. i dont remember most of the night but im sure i was an asshole, like i usually am. somehow thought it would be a brilliant idea to open the karoke night after 10 drinks(it gets better) and sing bohemian rhapsody. christ, i dont remember anything but the end, all those people i was talking to all night (that were most likely annoyed by that drunk girl stumbling around,moi) stared at me, laughing, as i sang, not sure though i was pretty drunk. i got so humiliated i found my mom and got in the car and cried the whole way home. and cried to mark too. and im not quite sure why im typing this all out. ive never actually admited i have a problem when it comes to drinking, ive always just been told i did, but its starting to become clearer to me. I mean, lately everytime i do drink, im ridiculously out of control. i know i act like an ass. i'm embarrassed every morning i wake up after drinking. I know i'm using it as a crutch because i have no friends at the point. I can't connect with anyone my age because they all just piss me off. I have no outside talents or outlets to throw myself into. I feel so off...and i cant really explain why but i'm also being crippled by this..i dont know...fear to do anything about it. tommorrow is always the better day to start my life. i cant get myself off the couch...i wake up feeling like i want to start crying. At this point, the only people i feel like i can rely on are my family. I dont know what made me start pushing everyone away...but somehow i feel like its always been the drinking...

caught in the middle

I went out for a few beers with my dad last night. i had a really nice time. We sat around talking about the family, issues hes having and generally bullshitting about random stuff. It's nice because we haven't really talked like adults in a long time. I felt like we really connected and he trusts me. My mom called this morning to ask what we talked about. I felt fine concealing personal things that she had told me while we are together, so i should do the same for my dad. I'm stuck in the middle, i want to be there for both of them. I am not here to pick sides. I'm just trying to understand everyones position and also be there when i know they both need me most. i know my mom is just worried. i completly understand that she cant talk to him right now but i dont wanna blab whatever he says. I dont want to be caught in the crossfire and when one finds out i said something suddenly im not trusted. i want to do what i can for this family but i dont want to get so involved that its affecting my personal life...which unfortunitly...it is...

head in the clouds

I really wonder if im truely going anywhere. If i'll ever get out of my own way so i can start accomplishing things. I wonder whether i should even try when i know i have no real goals present. I know that time isnt up and i just have to keep trying but the way this year has been going...i'm not sure if i should even bother. i feel as though anytime i start making a little bit of progress something occurs that makes me feel as though my world is ending. I can't deal with depression right now. i cant deal with people right now. i cant seem to get that sense that everything will be ok. No matter what i do, no matter how well my day went i still have the fog all over my head. And i still dont feel happy. I know i need to be put on medication. I should start feeling better if i actually started doing more things for myself. Getting some hobbies, working out, concentrating on eating well and qutting smoking once and for all. But first i feel like i need people in my life, people who will back me up, people who are my friend because they want to be. But i'm being picky because even with old friends, the connection is gone. I dont mean to bring anyone down, i appologize if i do, but i'm just going through an incredibly tough time right now and anytime i try to let someone know that, anytime i try to reach out...i get the cold shoulder, they talk about themselves all night, my cries for help go unheaded...and i forced once again to go it alone. I just miss having a best friend. Someone i do just about anything with. Someone who is good for me and tries to break me out of my shell. because at this moment i dont know what i want. I have no idea who i even am. I dont have the slightest clue what people think of me, whether i come off as a positive person or negative. I dont know if I'm likeable. I just have no idea where my life is at right now, how to catch up to it and just find some way to just clear my fucking head....for once i just want to have a sigh of relief...

its like everybody loves raymond only no ones laughing

All i can say right now is that i'm scared. I'm afraid my family is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about. For years i was under the impression that my parents love was the strongest i had ever seen. but lately i'm getting the impression that love is not enough. My dad and mom have been on the rocks lately, hardly spending any time together, just two seperate souls with different interests. My dad has started hanging out with the neighborhood kids, sick of spending time with people his own age because all they do is sit around and drink which he just can't do anymore. He's latched on to a 12 year old girl names ashley, who has never had a father figure in his life. He is enjoying the time because he has been lonely, we're all grown up and with my mom not giving him the time of day he had to do something. I understand why he is doing it, i understand that he can't spend his days alone anymore. I understand that for the first time in years my mom has the freedom to go out and spend time with her friends and drink and talk and for once be a free spirit. but through this they have grown detached. They talked the other night and came to the conclusion that maybe they were never truely soul mates to begin with. That they have nothing in common. That the flame has finally been snuffed. It terrifies me to no end. Becasue i always thought that love could last, that no matter what happened my parents loved each other more than anybody else and that they could pull through anything. that someday i could aquire the same thing. How is it 20 years down the line you look over at the person you married and you don't know them anymore? Family is all i have at this point. I have no close friends. I have no lasting relationships with anyone else. I trust my family and depend on them more than ever lately, and now its colapsing in front of me. At this moment i feel i am the glue thats trying to hold everything together. My brothers and my dad dont get along. My mom and dad arent getting along. I am the only one all of them can go to. And it's tiring and frustrating and i dont know if i can do enough.
mark and i have been talking about up and leaving since we got together. We dreamed of moving out to california and starting a family, i dont think i have the heart to tell him i dont think i could ever do that. I dont think i could just leave them in the dust. I know that the moment i came home, i would return to this broken thing. People who don't have anything in common except blood. People who don't even know each other. Seperate lives. I feel like i have to do something but what can i do? How much could i do? I can't change how people feel. I can't make anyone do anything. And its all around me. I find out my drunk aunt is cheating on her husband for over a year and she never told me. She doesnt pay attention to her two daughters who are the sweetest big hearted kids on the planet. my 40 year old divorced uncle cant seem to move out of his parents house, ditch his 45 year old slut fuck buddy, help my grandparents with anything or pay attention to his beautiful daughter. I watch as my grandmother loses her spirit after being verbally abused my grandpa. I watch my grandpa get verbally abused by the family for being a stick in the mud even though he only means well, its just in his nature. I stand back and see family parties that are nothing but routine where the same thing always happens and when i get in my car to leave i don't have the whole feeling i used to feel everytime i used to leave. These people mean the world to me and i try to except each and everyone of them for their flaws because they are human. They all mean well, they all have big hearts, they all care they're just confused. Misguided. Tired of doing and being what everyone else wants them to be. I'm scared because when i was a kid my family was perfect. I grew up with people who were fun, loud, talkative, and loving. Im afraid because when i finally bring my kids into the world, will that feeling be restored? Will me getting married and having children shed some light on these people and possibly make it a little easier?
I like to think that i try but maybe not hard enough. I'm at my parents house at least 4 times a week. I talk to my mom all the time. I try to give insight and help everyone with they're problems. I would love to try harder to bring us all closer but what more can i do? I'd love to think that this phase, this midlife crisis my parents are going through will turn around but both admitted to me that they were just going to go with the flow and see where that takes them. But i dont want a phone call a year from now saying that its over. Then what am i left with? what are they left with? i used to get giddy with excitement, i tell mark all the time that i am anxiously awaiting the day that he puts that ring on my finger and i'm forever his. But i am so fearful that one day i will wake up beside him and suddenly the love is gone and i begin to question if it was ever there at all.
without my family i feel i will have nothing. I feel that i will lose an entire peice of myself. I care too much about these people. I dont want to see them fall apart and live so unhappily.
but what more can i do then just sit back and watch it all collapse?