Monday, February 14, 2011

becoming bitter

I came to a really scary realization saturday night. I drank a bottle of wine in celebration of valentines day and mark and i stayed up talking for a while. I dont know how we debated the issue of affirmative action for about two hours but it soon turned to whether we believed that people are ultimatly good. And somehow i realized i dont believe most people are. Ok, i have met a lot of people who i know are decent individuals, who fuck up and make mistakes but never intentionally mean to harm other people. But its the whole issue of power, i dont honestly believe that a lot of people really would pass that up even if it meant fucking over others. I dont believe that if the apocalypse was the strike us down tomorrow that the majority would be accepted into heaven (if i actually believed there was such a place). Maybe it could be that i've become bitter, either from being screwed over time after time by people i know and trust. Or maybe its working at my job and seeing annoying, selfish and terrible people daily, willing to do anything for a pill that will kill the pain. i used to be able to see people, realize their "Flaws" and accept them for it, whether minute or otherwise...fuck i forgave a cheater for a short time...but now, i meet people and realize what exactly i dont like about them and feel as if i can't get past it...and i hate it. i was never like this before. My lifes motto for years was love. life. happiness. (after one of my favorite songs which by the way was in the genre of music called happy hardcore, which i listened to religiously for those of you who dont know what this is, it's a genre of techno which is for all intensive purposes is INCREDIBLY happy and positive music). I wore bright colors, i was a positive person who truly believed that peace could someday be accomplished and that there was good in everyone. I really wish i knew what happened....

this isnt saying i hate everyone, this is not true...all im saying is, i'm hoping this is just a phase and that i could actually find a way to think positive again, if that is at all possible..