Friday, December 2, 2011

I've discovered tumblr thanks to marks sister, i'm hooked.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

what happened to stina?

I don't know when this all started. I suffered from depression for a long time but i always got over it, got myself out of it somehow. I experienced at least some bit of joy in my life. I used to live my life with this motto, "live fast and experience everything. hold your loved ones close and never forget the things you've been through or the journeys that got you there"(something to that effect) and now i can't even relate to it. I did things with my time, i had friends, i went on adventures, i left nothing but footprints and took nothing but photographs. I was silly, a drunk but a fun drunk. And now when i drink i turn into this monster i don't even recognize. This monster who sucks the fun out of every shindig, who cries or throws up everytime. I miss my life. I miss living. I miss myself.

I used to have this great personality. I used to be the person who had a story for just about everything that happened to me. I did things! I once had a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend. I once went to rave and took ectasy and break danced with some random black guy. i once almost got hit by a train and laughed about it. i once got in school suspension and wrote an erotic novel while i was there. i once made out with 18 girls in one night because i turned 18. i was in an all chick punk band called toxic shock syndrome and played a show at the webster theatre. I met my boyfriend at the end of a driveway at a party my ex-boyfriend dragged me to. And when my ex told me he wanted to fuck around, i showed him up by making the move on the future love of my life, in front of him. I was brave. I didn't give a fuck what people thought or how stupid i was because i was living my fucking life. Now i worry every word i say. Now no one listens to me. Now i have no motivation. now i don't have any friends. My friends were once my life. We had this crew, we were called the Krispy Krew. We played kickball and met up at the krispy kove every weekend. We ran shit, threw parties, invited whoever, popular, loser, jock, slut...and i was accepting. for the love of god, i could accept anyone for any of their flaws and in fact, love them for it. I got along with everyone. I had people in my life i thought i would never lose. Like colin, bass and kevin. The four of us were like family. I was like a second mother to those kids. I chauferred them around, i paid for their shit, i fed them. i held their hair back when they threw up(and yes i had to because all these kids had shoulder length hair). or my toxic shock syndrome girls, ginny, missa and mindy. Me and mindy have been friends since we were three years old. but now, everyones too busy with their lives and i understand that and i've come to accept it. But what i can't accept is the fact that I haven't moved on with my life. I thought i did, i used to get along with marks friends, they started to feel like mine, but he made it a point to not let them become my friends. They weren't real because the second we break up, those people are gone too...

Let's face it, over the past couple years, i've lost my mind. I've become weak and scared. Too afraid to go out into the world, i creep around every corner, i walk on egg shells. When i drink, i can't squash myself down because i'm fighting to break free. But when i finally break free i'm embarassed for a week after and feel horrible for letting myself out...

All i do with my life now is hang out over at my moms house because thats where i feel comfortable. And work my ass off because i have to. And sit in front of the tv with my boyfriend because thats all he does with me. Scroll facebook but never say anything. And i look forward to coming home so i can light candles and sit here alone...

there has to be more to life than this...there has to be some way of reclaiming bits and peices of that person i once was or becoming the person i want to be.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I have little faith in healthcare officials. i lost it at my psychatists office this morning. I called yesturday and conviently she wasn't in the office, as fucking always. I was having panic attacks all night sunday and all day monday. I needed something and the only thing i had to take is a fuckign antihistamine that is supposed to help with nervousness. It's garbage and does nothing. So i got no help from her. i called my doctors office and he was no help either, because he wouldn't fill anything for me either. So i went into my appoinment with my psychiatrist this morning, still feeling the same. And she starts in on the fact that i'm not in therapy and she starts yelling at me about it. I don't need this shit. Then she refuses to fill something for me. I told her i understood that i'm supposed to be in therapy but i can't fucking afford it. I spend 100 dollars a month alone on prescriptions and it costs me forty bucks just to see my psychiatist for 15 minutes a month. I don't have the fucking money for this shit. So she refuses to fill anything for me to calm down on the grounds that i'm not in therapy. Well i'm having a fucking breakdown, i'm losing it. My stomach is in knots and i can't eat or sleep, what does she expect me to do? Fucking call my therapist and go in right then and there? Long story short, i stormed out of there. She left me with the only option which was to go to the hospital, which i didnt do and why 48 hours later i'm still sitting here anxious as fuck.

i will never see this woman again, i dont care how long it takes me to find a new psychatist, she has been nothing but trouble for me since i first started seeing her. People with mental health conditions need to be able to get a hold of theres psychs. They should be able to get something to fucking calm down when they need. They shouldn't be sent to the fucking hospital every fucking time they have an anxiety attack. She should be the least bit capable of talking to me so i can calm down, and she proved today when all she said was, "The tissues are over there," she can't do that. fucking bitch.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

South II (a review on the mental health condition in the US)

I checked into South II on Sunday October 2nd, 2011 sometime around 4pm. I had spent my night in the emergency room and much of my morning. To be put bluntly, there are some serious fucking screw ups in how mental health patients are "treated". First of all, the psychiatrist in the emergency room asked me a total of two questions. Then he left and went to talk to my mother for twenty minutes. My trazone and hungover body could barely fathom what my mother was telling me. Involuntary commitment? a week? He lied about visiting hours and promised therapy for me (more on that later). They carted my ass upstairs, showed me around the wing and sent me off on my own, to cry in my room for hours without anyone coming to me except for OTHER PATIENTS. Granted, i was lucky. most of the patients were former junkies or alcoholics, i did not have nut jobs or schizophrenics coming in my room hasseling me. I did meet one woman who checked in on me, attempted to get me to eat and comforted me. She was a very compassionate person and will always hold a place in my heart.

On weekends, there is no group therapy. You also cant smoke around hospital now soooo...i was forced to quit,,,until i came home... You also don't see a psychiatrist. You also aren't allowed to have electronics, no gameboy, no laptop, no kindle...nothing. Your allowed books and writting materials. there is also NOTHING TO DO IN A HOSPITAL! So you take all these people with mental problems....lock them in a wing of a hospital...and give them nothing but old disney vhs tapes to watch.

When monday finally came, my talks with my psychiatrist were unsuccessful. He didn't listen to me and i saw him for a total of five minutes. I spent the entire day crying in my bed, taking my xanax every four hours. When i finally did get out of bed for a group therapy session, guess what it is? coloring. filling out stupid worksheets. There is no talking things out, nothing. And the therapist i was promised? don't have a therapist. The occupational therapist came in and asked me questions like where i work and shit like that and left and i never saw her again for the rest of my stay.

When i told my mother on her vist monday night she was livid. The nurse who hated me through my entire stay and was a total bitch me, like calling me "Smiley" bullshit to my mom that i need to talk to the other patients and i need to come out of my room or i won't go home and that this is short term care and that we get no therapists.

Ok....locked up, no cigarettes, just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, need to work through this shit and i have no one to talk to except people who have their own problems? great.

So tuesday, i make the attempts and the doctor puts me on a new medication and i feel ok. I am the one who drafts up my recovery plan. I am the one who writes down how i'm feeling and is trying to evaluate everything in my life and what i need to fix, while these people....aren't helping me. I am the one making myself happy. I am only taking the xanax when i have to see the doctor because this is the person that decides when i go home. I bring in my recovery plan, i tell him i want to restart my life and being locked up is just making me stir crazy.

....i'm released finally on thursday. I was the one to pull myself out of that bottomless pit. i was the one who decided what i was doing on the outside. i was the one talking myself through this miserable experience, no matter how hard it was. This is how we cure our mental health patients? by just locking them in a hospital, making them draw pictures of trees to evaluate their personalities and giving them no one to talk to? FUCK THAT! this makes me absolutly reassured in the fact that i am NOT going into this field and i am THRILLED i stopped going to school for it.

Monday, August 29, 2011

This is a vow to myself to never give up, there is always a reason to keep living. there is always a reason to keep trying. there will always be people who see me as irreplacable. there will always be someone who cares. today, i start trying. today, august 29th, 2011, I'm done with my old ways of thinking and doing. i want to be a happy energetic person. I will find a way to quit smoking. I will start working out again. i will have some form of control over my diet. i will take care of my body and stop doing harmful things to it.
I vow to work hard on my mental health. i will try to not be ashamed of things i do or say. this is my life and i will not waste it dwelling on things that i cannot change. i will try new things, talk to people, make my own friends, surround myself with people who care about me, who are positive influences on my life.
I will be wiser with my money so mark and i can start our lives together. i will stop being a selfish, spoiled bitch. i will hold my family close to me. I will treat mark with nothing but respect and love, i will never give him a reason to see me as untrustworthy. i will stop letting my depression and my emotions destroy this relationship.
the past is gone, i can't do anything about it. I can't sit here and let it destroy my life. The people who were once in my life were there when i needed them, i can't expect them to always be there. We may be on seperate paths now but there is always a reason for that. If i'm meant to see them again, i will, and i will be there with open arms, thrilled as can be that they are back. until then, they have made their lives without me and its time for me to pick up the peices and build my life up again. There will always be other people who can make me happy. There is always happiness within myself, i just have to put some fucking effort into my goddamn life again.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

poland spring vodka, pokemon shorts and vicoprofen

...i had the weekend from hell. I'll be brief about it but i got hammered on friday with my brothers and their friends. well i called mark for a ride because i was too drunk to drive, he made a big deal...had my brother fight with him for me while i hid. huge argument, mark left. I was single for about 12 hours but too drunk to realize this really was so. Anyway, i came home around 5 in the morning. we fought, then we passed out, then we spent the rest of the day fighting while i packed my shit. I didn't wanna go. Yeah, he does things that piss me off and sometimes it feels he's a little controlling. I've been patient, i realize that he's never been in another relationship and doesn't know what hes doing. I know it's only because he loves me and is so afraid of losing me...but still. and then i get drunk and suddenly i have the balls so say what i've been feeling and i make everything worse.

Anyway, i somehow got him to stop making me pack my bags under a few conditions. He told me to stop drinking. generally this would piss me off but i've had a feeling for a long time that i have a drinking problem. I never know when to stop. I do stupid things. i embarass myself, i forget conversations i've had and whats the point to get so fucking wrecked like that? I'm afraid though, because alcohol has always been my way to open up and actually be myself...and thats another reason to stop. I don't know if i can be any fun without booze but i can try.

Other than that, the rest isn't important. Except for the fact that he compared me to my aunt and that he is convinced i sucked one of my brothers friends off...but it goes without saying how that made me feel...

Anyway, to cheer myself up i went shopping alone today. I bought two pairs of shorts at hot topic, generally i wouldnt shop there, its expensive. It's so fake. Like i mean, c'mon their motto used to be, "It's all about the music" and there is now no music shit in that store except for maybe a couple my chemical romance cds, but who listens to that garbage? Anyway, one pair was sublime, the other pair i'm ecstatic about. They have pikachu on the front and in big letters across the ass it say pokemon. yeah, i'm a nerd but i'm damn proud of it.

I got a few tops at sears, one is pink zebra stipes...i'm so happy the animal prints are now in style because i love it. As for the rest of my day I've been spending it in bed with toots, techno music and vicoprofen, for my back which is fucked up AGAIN.

Oh and i would have posted pictures but i have no idea how to on this website? will someone tell me how?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

the good stuff

Aside from stupid relationship problems, i really am doing great. I've been just working and spending the rest of my time on myself. I've been going to the gym at least 4 times a week. I tried zumba, and although i fucked up my ankle and had to leave early, i totally intend on adding it to my workout routine. And for the days that i cant make it to the gym, i have just dance for the wii :). other than exercise i've been listening to a lot of music because finally I'm so past this horrible depression thing I acutally find joy in things again. Huzzah! I've also been spending a lot of time with my kindle and dun dun dun na, I'm writing again. I wrote six poems alone last week. The only thing i want to work on is building strong friendships with people, which is the only thing that has proved to be sort of challenging. but i'm trying to get myself out there and i'm hoping maybe if i start doing stuff like these gym classes or maybe even hiking, i'll have real friends...not just drinking buddys.

on a side note, anyone know any fantastic books to read?


...Mark and I have been fighting a lot and the core issue of this problem seems to stem from his sudden interest in leaving the house and hanging out with his friends, constantly, for very long periods of time. and if i ask him to come home, generally he'll stay out even later, lets say about 2 or 3 in the morning. He says i'm free to come along but theres nothing for me to do (and I work). his friend doesnt shower and smells like an armpit. i dont play an instument. i am shy and will no sing in front of people i dont like. i get unbelievably drunk so i can have a good time. there is no where to sit but on the floor in the hallway while i sit there ignored.

I'm starting to feel like maybe he's regressing. it feels like when we moved into his parents house i became more depressed and afraid to go out while he's turned into drunken teenager and unfortunatly I'm on the same side his parents are on or were on in high school. The thing is, i dont mind him going out. yes, i am jealous that i dont have these freedoms but i try not to let myself prevent him from doing it, everyone deserves to have friends. but its becoming more and more frequent and he can never come home early enough to spend time with me and if he does, he's plastered and falls asleep. I'm just frustrated and i truely think that this would not be an issue for me if he would just come home, ONCE, JUST ONE TIME, when i call him around 11pm and he would get in the car and just come home. just one time. but he hasnt done that, not yet. and somehow when we fight about this issue he convinces me i'm wrong. and i'm worried because i'm becoming apathetic towards the relationship because i'm confused and unsure.

He's not very mature and just through living with his parents for this short while, he has already proved to them that they will not sign for a mortgage loan when we move out. He works at costco, comes home and plays video games or guitar and watches tv. If he's not doing any of that then he is out with his friends. I on the other hand was trying. I was going to school but now its like, why am i bothering. Why do i have to work fulltime and go to school fulltime to better OUR lives if he only works part time and has fun all the time? Why do i have to be trapped in his parents house constantly? Why is it a big deal if i go out and get a little reckless once in a while but if he does it and i flip out, i'm just exagerating. i'm sick of it. if i try to talk about it, he flips out at me. And it worries the fucking shit out of me. Because why would anyone get so fucking defensive about going out?

Then the scary thoughts start creeping in there a girl coming to these horrendous jam sessions that I don't know about? Is he going to bars and stuff with his friends? Is he secretly gay and having butt sex with his friend? (haha) .....the thing is i dont know but i'm still not desperate enough to go spend 7 hours at his smelly friends house, thats for sure....

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

god bless you trazodone

...The past few months have been really rough. I realize that on this thing I sound like a depressing bitch...and yes...lately I have been a depressing bitch but I feel like that is changing. Today, I realized that for the first time in like 7 months, i was happy. For no real reason at all. Generally on a day like this where i have to wake up at 7:30 and work and then have to two tests tonite, i would be stressed. I would be a bitch. I would freak out when i got the phone call from mark that he was going out this afternoon, but I didn't. I was funny, i was working hard, flitting about the pharmacy and getting the regester, and for the first time in a long time, i cared about my job. Fuck, i was even getting along with nate (for a short period). This anti depressent is literally saving me from myself. And today, being the first day that i felt like the desired effects had kicked in, i'm so pleased. With springtime on its way, I'm devoting this season to myself. To working hard on my life and getting myself to that lovely place Iwanna be. So what are my plans? Qutting smoking it a big one...i need an inhaler because my breathing has gotten so bad. I'm constantly tired and I know that when i quit before, i actually had energy in the morning. I want to be healthy so I'm not constantly sick anymore and missing work. For the past few days i havent been eating meat...and people are already saying I look like i lost weight. And heres the big one...i'm finding a new job. Because the only thing that tore me down off my cloud nine today was my manager. He finds this certain way to go from being an almost decent human being to making me feel like I've screwed everything up and my way of doing things isn't correct. I can no longer work in this type of environment and i'm willing to change that and get rid of my benefits if that means I'll actually be happy. I got a heads up that a restaurant nearby may be hiring. I'm thinking maybe a waitressing job would be good for me. Getting tips and working with a whole new set of people, with a whole new beginning...a clean slate. Because i have such a bad rep where i work because i call out too much...but you know what..i'm not getting into that.

I'm tired of being unhappy and being this person I dont even recognize anymore. I used to be quirky, I was funny and sarcastic and danced through life freely and openly. So for the next few months, fuck everything, fuck emotions...I'm living my life.

Friday, March 4, 2011

So i'm taking a page out of Alison's book and posting the things i am grateful for and also throwing in random things that make me go like this :). Things are finally starting to look up on this end. I started seeing a psychatrist and she put me on trazodone. It's been a week and I've had no side effects aside from a bit of drowsiness. Also, for the first time in three months I've gone almost a week without an anxiety attack and my racing thoughts are begining to slow down. I also have not cried...i can't believe it. It could be a sort of placebo effect because i know these meds take time to get the full effect but whatever it is, i'm happy(well i'm getting there). I've also began seeing a counseller and i'm hoping to plow through these emotional insecurites and I'm hoping that I'll have my life on track in due time. So here is my list, i warn you, it might get a bit lengthy...

My mom
My kitten
pokemon cards
having a car
guinea pigs
natalie portman
bob dylan
laughing until i start snorting
my nintendo dsi
star wars
charlie brown holiday specials
getting my nails done, hair did or eyebrows waxed
reading kurt vonnegut
being so moved from a song that i cry
my kindle
my ipod
animal planet
the poem "Howl"
going to school
Hello kitty
techno that makes me dance in my seat
Trips to cape cod
menthol cigarettes

...ha...i feel pretty good...

Monday, February 14, 2011

becoming bitter

I came to a really scary realization saturday night. I drank a bottle of wine in celebration of valentines day and mark and i stayed up talking for a while. I dont know how we debated the issue of affirmative action for about two hours but it soon turned to whether we believed that people are ultimatly good. And somehow i realized i dont believe most people are. Ok, i have met a lot of people who i know are decent individuals, who fuck up and make mistakes but never intentionally mean to harm other people. But its the whole issue of power, i dont honestly believe that a lot of people really would pass that up even if it meant fucking over others. I dont believe that if the apocalypse was the strike us down tomorrow that the majority would be accepted into heaven (if i actually believed there was such a place). Maybe it could be that i've become bitter, either from being screwed over time after time by people i know and trust. Or maybe its working at my job and seeing annoying, selfish and terrible people daily, willing to do anything for a pill that will kill the pain. i used to be able to see people, realize their "Flaws" and accept them for it, whether minute or otherwise...fuck i forgave a cheater for a short time...but now, i meet people and realize what exactly i dont like about them and feel as if i can't get past it...and i hate it. i was never like this before. My lifes motto for years was love. life. happiness. (after one of my favorite songs which by the way was in the genre of music called happy hardcore, which i listened to religiously for those of you who dont know what this is, it's a genre of techno which is for all intensive purposes is INCREDIBLY happy and positive music). I wore bright colors, i was a positive person who truly believed that peace could someday be accomplished and that there was good in everyone. I really wish i knew what happened....

this isnt saying i hate everyone, this is not true...all im saying is, i'm hoping this is just a phase and that i could actually find a way to think positive again, if that is at all possible..

Thursday, January 13, 2011

A music rant i dug up...

I've never been in a bob dylan mood before, it feels nice. He's a poet, this should help that whole writing process. I watched a documentary on Hunter s. thompson today...i'm jealous how much inspiration he had in his time. He had the sixties filled with heavy, forceful politics. so much rage. rage rage rage...people demanding to be treated the same, demanding change and equal rights. The energy and the flow of the counter culture, this alternate life style filled with peace and love and drugs...cities filled with these people fighting the goverment and for the way of life to change. to not be completly about whats in your pocket but who you are and the freedom to pursue that. I was born in the wrong generation because the generation i am in now i dont identify with what so ever...when did music turn from getting out a message, when did music move on from catchy tunes that made you think, that you were able to identify with at that moment in time when you heard that song. That made you happy to be in that day and age living at that time and only wanting to live at that time, to moving to booty shaking anthems that are all about money and theres no reading into it whatsoever? It makes me disgusted to see that no one is one is together in anything. I accept peoples personal views but its everywhere, so spuratic... we're are going backwards. We move from the times with heros like martin luther king jr and robert kennedy, people who are fighting for equality to today where woman are labeled as objects in rap videos and we even further the stereotypes that black people carry guns and steal and sell drugs. we are pushing ourselves backwards. I can't even feel passion in new rock or "alternative" music...its generic. All of it, with nothing original. No words in these songs make me feel anything. The music itself, guitar, bass, drums, all the standard elements are there but there is no rhythem, there is nothing new. The same standard power chords held together with your unaltertered drum beats..maybe a bit of cowbell...but nothing new. It pisses me off that this is what i'm expected to incorporate myself into. I'm supposed to buy posters of Joe Jonas and i'm supposed to listen to Jay Z on my iphone. I have to drink skyy vodka at parties and dance like a whore. Music is suppossed be a huge part of a culture. In the sixties there was what we now call classic rock, things that broke the threshold and fueled nights of heavy drugs, music enhanced the experience. Move to the seventies where those still on the drug wagon snort coke at studio 54 and dance the night away...the eighties your move to electonica, which is horrible, a complete generation that should be forgotten but i'm sure even living in the eighties is better than today. then in the 90's you move on to a variety. Hiphop makes its way into the scene but it still has its roots, it still has its meaning and theres grunge music, causing another generation to make the realization that they odnt have to be happy if they dont want to. The electionica of the eighties turns to techno where more counter culture, more people saying they wanna drop out and ectasy is the huge hit in random warehouses.
Ok so we move to the 00's...was there too much variety? did we do everything already? am i suppossed to sit back and think thats the end of original thought and music? Was it too much of a good thing. We move to change, change, change, music...and now we have so much variety it isnt even original anymore? I have enjoyed more songs played in the my living room by kids that come by my house than i have listening to organized songs on the radio.i guess i'm on a complicated subject, a subject my stoned mind is having trouble wrapping itself around. I'm not saying i hate every song produced in the past 10 years, i couldn't say that. But i hate pretty much 85% of the songs that the media, radio, tv, movies, magazines have told me i should like at this time. Anything i do generally listen to is shit most people havent even heard of. another note, what happened to rolling stone? It used to have hunter s. thompson and got into actual issues, not even just music. Now i have to see the jonas brothers on the cover? give me a fucking break...and just now on my pandora music player i'm getting ads for shampoo....

i found this on my computer, it made me angry so i posted it

I've done a lot of incredibley stupid things when i was young but my relationship with your was by far the worst thing i could have done to myself. the relationship started on both sides the wrong way. I went out with you because there was no one else around. i decided in my mind that i could find you attractive and that you were good enough for me to settle with. you lied your way into my heart by tearing lines from movies you had seen and saying you've been layed before so it would be ever apparent to me that you weren't the outcast that you really were. I destoryed myself from the very begining by chain smoking cigarettes to drinking to the point of blacking out with you. You made me drive every night, drunk as hell bringing you home because you were too lazy to get your licence at the time. I quit my job because you got arrested for fighting your dad. you lied constantly, smoked weed behind my back and flat out lied when confronted, only to find a peice of bud clinging to your tshirt and your fingers dirty from rolling blunts. I tried so many times to leave you, cried about it constantly that i wasnt being treated right but i couldnt let go because i let myself rely on you and you let me do it. I know i'm not supposed to blame others but you knew what you were doing clearly. Do you remember the night we sat at the boat launch? you stole a bottle of dust off from the cvs you used to work at and we had no where else to go. We sat in my car with jack johnson playing on the stereo, huffing puff after puff until the can was gone and smoked pot out of that bowl you kept in your pocket. I was so high i hadnt even noticed the snow falling harder and harder, leaving my car half buried. We left the battery on for so long that the car died and we were too stoned to call our parents for help. We stood in the snow for almost an hour, lucky as shit that friends came by to start the car up. With the worst migraine i've ever had i stood in teh snow, staring out at the water, refusing to smoke more...why didn't i take this as i sign? Why didnt i see how damaging this was? How many brain cells did i kill in that night alone? How many all together in the year and a half we were together? I abandoned my personality, i drank and smoked weed because that was your world and that was my only way to be some part of your world. What the fuck did i do? What the fuck did i see in you that made me actually stick around as long as i did? i had sex with you as much as i could just to hope that somehow that spark you felt with me before would be rekindled. you would give me just one little bit of hope that college wouldn't destroy us. i heard the comments all the time, "Why are you with him? he treats you like shit. your always way more fun when he isnt around" and i let it allll continue. i let you take me to that breaking point where anxiety riddled my body and i was forced to ask for reassurance every second of every day. knowing how annoying it was to ask the same questions and hear the same answers...why lie to me? Why let me drag through that entire summer, watching pivotal moments of your life unfold while you stood emotionless and i was the one actually feeling the moments. Your graduation? You were more excited to get the fuck out of there because leaving meant you were smoking pot. I was the one who cried because that was the time you were suppossed to reflect on your life up to this point, look how far you'd come? this may be the last day you see any of these people. you felt nothing. You treated every individual as pawns you had to get around to get to more pot and more beer. Thats all your life is and the few people close to you dont even know you, they've told me. It makes me laugh to know i'm most likely the only person in the world who actually knows you. I actually know your manerisms, how you do things, how you act, why you where what you wear, that you actually fucking care A LOT about people thinking your cool and that your sarcasm is a defense mechanism, not because your actually funny. But i dont know why you do things, you never let me in enough to actually understand that. And being the only person on this entire planet that acutally knows you. That reallly knows fucking sad it is that i hate you more than any other person i've ever known?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

new years 2010

This year really hasn't started out great. I thought 2010 was the worst year of my life but i'm very fearful that this year truely will not be any better. Which is why i decided to make a new years resolution this year, something i truely dont believe in doing but have to do for the sake of my santiy. It's simple really, to get a handle on my depression and change my attitude on life. I'm missing out on everything it feels like, what could be great moments with my boyfriend, i spend bitching or crying...i'm sick of it but i really dont know the best way to go about this whole thing. I have the number to a psychaitrist my md strongly suggested me go see. I went to the gym today for the first time in about 4 months and i really do feel a bit better...i have a lot more energy today too, which has been a big issue for me lately. I can make it about 8 hours and then i'm just exhausted, i cant keep sleeping 10 hours a night. I also need to do this because at the end of the month i go back to school and i'll be taking 5 classes on top of working full time at cvs. So i really need to get a handle on this stress so this doesnt turn into last semester. I think i'm done trying to get myself on medications for the time being as well...none have worked for me and they make my life twice as hard when i attempt to get myself adjusted to them. I'm going to try this diet and exercise thing. I'm going to try to walk into work or school and not instatnly think "only 8 more hours till i get to go home" and just at least attempt to enjoy being where i am. I think this would be a little easier if i just got a new i'm assuming wasn't pleased with my resume because i never got a call back.

I didnt really start this year optimistically. We went to marks friends house, drank 2 beers and then his friend passed out. We went back to his parents house and continued to drink in anger mostly, and mark passed out 1 minute before midnight. I dont know why but i sat on the floor by the bed watching the confetti sprinkle onto time square and i was balling my eyes out. literally sobbing...wondering if this was going to be a good year or the year i off myself...the only positive thing i could think of was that it gave me inspiration for a short story...which i guess is why i'm still here. I'm just done living like this...especally after what has happened in my town. Two guys, around my age both died in this week alone. Lets just say i can't log onto facebook without seeing a few posts about them and a lot of my friends are really upset. My heart goes out to them and to the families of those who are in this time of mourning. But it's also been a wake up call to me. Life is short....i have no idea how much time i or anyone else truely has...i dont want to have anything to regret...