Friday, December 14, 2012

It was really hard for me to sit down to write this. in fact, i want to get up and walk away from it now, but i have to. i found out about the shooting about 45 minutes before i had to leave for my work shift at 3 o'clock...though Facebook of all places. As soon as i saw that first candle post with something saying the victims of Sandy Hook i knew it was bad, and i goggled it immediately. To find out such a tragedy could happen in my own backyard (just about an hours drive from my home) i became so discouraged. I started thinking of the worst. The parents who got there Christmas shopping done early and had presents under the tree for their children who would never come home, the parent kissing their child on the cheek and packing the last lunch for their child that they would never even have the chance to eat, a couple who had so much trouble even conceiving a child and having this miracle brought onto them only to send them off to somewhere that is supposed to be safe, and have the child slaughtered for no apparent rhyme or reason. It felt like 9/11 all over to me. Because even with things like columbine or virginia tech, those things had at least some kind of explanation, teenage raging hormones and distress, and today, no reason. Innocent children taken for no reason and absolutely no reason behind it whatsoever. To me, i have no personal attachment to the people these tragedies have befallen, but that is no reason for me to feel bad about what has happened. i cried as i read the first headlines, i listened to the radio all the way to work and felt crestfallen with every word said. My hope in humanity has been slipping ever so slightly with every week that passes, friends abandoning me, family abandoning me, feeling so lost, broken, confused...and to hear...this.

These children did not even have the chance to feel remorse or feel guilt for making tragic mistakes like picking on some kid to the point that they would point a gun at them. They did nothing wrong. And me, at that point in my life where children is only a short road away, I feel as if i cannot do it. I feel as if i cannot bring a child into this world as it would be much too selfish. And part of me hopped, no more begged, that when i walked into work, someone would feel the way I did. After 9/11, a nation came together, people came together, people, even if for only a short time were nicer to one another. When i walked into work today, i expected something like this to happen, i expected at least a few people to feel what i felt...and this was not so. Everyone was still the same cocky asshole just like they always are, my fellow pharm techs appeared as if they had not even heard the went on...and maybe thats how it is supposed to but i couldn't do it. the only person in the pharmacy who seemed to have some vague idea that there is something wrong was my pharmacist Chris, a woman who has children, who said very little all day...but had glazed eyes...and with every mention would leave or pickup the phone. And i felt for her, i really did. I do not have children, but I feel things far to strongly.

I don't know what is wrong with the world. A few years ago everyone claimed the world would end in only a week from now, and at this point i welcome it. Mark squeezed me tight and told me to hang on as i left for work...only to walk into my house 5 hours later to a full swing party in effect. It was hardly mentioned, and at first, my intention was to run. to run as far away from this house and from these selfish people as quickly as possible...but fuck it...what the fuck can i do...what the fuck do i do with myself for these many hours...i ate, picked up a beer and didn't look back. And now... i feel terrible. i don't know what type of lesson to take out of this. If i had a crowbar in my car, I would be in jail after that driver i followed home tonight. I was getting off the highway, this car had no turn signal, i switched lanes to get off the highway, he swerved in front of me, drove at about 4 miles an hour, pushing to passenger around, playing around. endangering my life and their passenger. when we got to a stop light i almost threw my car in park, slammed on the window and screamed, "18 children are dead and you can pretend everything is fine! You can endanger my life and your own, you are selfish, inconsiderate and the worst human being I have ever had the displeasure to ever meet. If you were considerate to just a few people maybe shit like this wouldn't happen!"   but i some act of god I refrained...and i drank...and i feel worse. I talked to people...had one of my friends come by, not just Marks...but it felt like no one understood. A few words uttered but no full out conversation. I did not meet these kids, teachers, staff...for all i know i do not know a single soul in Newtown, CT. but for the love of god, if no lesson can be learned from this incident, then all we will feel is loss. Those lives were lost for no reason, those tears we shed mean nothing, human decency, kindness, consideration...all these things could give some kind of meaning to one of the greatest tragedies anyone of my generation will ever, hopefully any generation, will ever experience.

Tonight before i fall into an intoxicated sleep, i will grab my fiance's hand and we will pray, for the lives lost and the hope that this will never happen again. For the parents, siblings, aunts, uncles...for everyone affected by this. For the people like me...hoping against all hope that they do not lose all hope in humanity as i have, and for fucking god sake, that the person responsible for this is fucking burning in hell where that mother fucker belongs because i swear to fucking god, if i ever bear a child, if anything ever happens to that precious being there will be mother fucking hell to pay.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

25 days of christmas


Do you see this pile of leaves? The picture does not do it justice, it's mamoth and would be even bigger if all the leaves in my tiny yard were actually in it. It's December second, that pile was made in October. When Mark and I moved in we had an agreement, I do all the laundry and he does the yard work. Guess what? He has clean clothes but I have a crummy lawn :( The thing that also ticks me off is that yesturday it was snowing and i didn't take a picture, a much better way to start off this photo challenge. 

                                             DEC 2ND: FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIE
I bought this bad boy at Walmart for nine bucks yesturday. I love Rudolph aside from the sexism, mean, unaccepting people of the North Pole...etc. 

It's my first Christmas in my new home. I had this place decked out not even a week after Thanksgiving. Pretty much everything is Christmas. Mark and I got our tree on Thursday, and my god does it smell good in here. As a kid i never had the luxury of having a real tree but the year Mark and I moved out for the first time and lived on our own, we got one and I was hooked. Granted, your fake plastic tree is a lot less work, no worries about that thing falling off the roof of your car, or vacuming up pine needles, or having to water it or even waiting to get it (just pull it up from the basement). But i love the smell of a real tree, and I like a tree that has character. This is the first year Toots has actually seen a christmas tree. So far he hasn't climbed it or knocked off any ornaments although he is eating it. Cats are carnivores so why my cat is so hungry for pine needles, I will never understand.

Seeing as my parents are living the condo life and have limited parking, space in the condo and all the rest, we're doing Christmas eve at my house this year. I'm a little nervous, my parents usually go all out for this thing. Amazing food, prizes and games, etc. I'm trying not to disapoint but we're kinda strapped for cash right now. Do you know how much oil is? The begining of october we put 100 gallons in our tank and it cost us over three hundred bucks! Guess what, it's Decemeber and we're already down to an eighth of a tank...luckily, I'm almost done Christmas shopping.

I leave you with pictures of my amazing family.

As you can see baby Toots is intrigued by this whole tree idea, but is still too afraid to sleep under it. Can't wait to get a picture of that.

Baby Pikachu, she's feeling much better and is starting to ever so slowly warm up to me. Last night i was up in my office and she actually came out of her igloo and was running around the cage, climbing and peeping (it's still quiet but i know as she gets older she will have quite a set of lungs on her.) It was as if she was putting on a show for me and wanted to tell me about her day. Fucking adorable. I feel bad leaving her up in that office, guinea pigs are really social animals and love to be in the center of all the action but I visit and hold her any chance i get, even if it's just poking my head in to have a little chat. Maybe i can convince santa to bring her a brother or sister.

OH! speaking of which! my aunts dog might be pregnant because she's lazy and didn't get her dogs neutered or spayed. Anyway, Bella is a beagle/weiner dog mix and Cody is a shiba Inu. Google shiba inu...they are the most fucking adorable dogs and if she does in fact have puppies i get first pick of the pups. Our family just keeps getting bigger and bigger...

Sunday, November 25, 2012

inconvinent truths

I'll start with whats bothering me at this very moment. I've had a friend Ginny since my freshman year of high school. I introduced her to her first boyfriend, i introduced her to her second. I tried hard to get this girl out of her shell for years, she was so fucking quiet and timid and scared and depressed when i met her. And over the years, in fact she did, only to become someone i wasn't really happy to be around. She tries to come off as this free thinking, liberal hippy, when in fact she's as judgmental as anyone else, maybe even worse. I tried keeping her in my life for a long time, the way i tried with all my friends but i never get anything back. yeah maybe 6 years ago i was doing things and making decisions that i shouldn't have but i was a fucking teenager, i was just trying to feel my way around life and figure out what worked for me. She went to the University of Vermont after high school, the same college her boyfriend (we call him bad dave, because her fiance is also named dave) went to. I had a friend named Mindy, who i had been friends with since we were 3 years old. At some point, maybe around sophmore, junior year, Mindy and Ginny suddenly became BFF's because both their boyfriends were around the same age. I still tried to be a part of it, but as always i wasn't called and the fun went on without me. Whenever i saw Ginny throughout the college years, she viewed me under her nose. I tried college, it did not work for me, some people just aren't college material. I drank booze, whatever. I smoke cigarettes. I don't play guitar as well. The person i used to call when i needed her, no longer offered me any sort of comfort of positive feedback. I stopped trying. Well then she started dating good dave, after my coaxing. I saw this as a good thing, Dave and I have been friends for years. The kind of friend you could really rely on. Dave and I are similar souls, we both couldn't do the college thing or really hold things together. Him and i would go on adventures, take pictures, listen to music, he was always there when i needed a friend or a philosophical talk. well this whole thing backfired because now Ginny decided it was now OK if you don't go to a university after high school...but still looked down on me. Ginny and Dave got engaged this summer. I called to congratulate her, because unlike when i got engaged and i told everyone, i found out through facebook.

 I went to their engagement party and found it strange that she made no mention of bridesmaids or anything...but i kept it to myself. i was also hurt because all of them had gone to kevins birthday party the night before, which is about two miles down the street from my house, and i wasn't called for that. About two weeks ago her grandpa passed away and she came back to CT for the funeral. I texted her my condolences and she invited me over for food and drink. I had to work until nine, but fled over after work. I had gotten a card for the family, I've always been close to her family, I wrote something special inside and gave it to her mother when i walked in the door. She was grateful, she showed the card to Ginny, "oh yeah...thats nice..." wow. During my short stay, she didnt even offer me a glass of water. While her and mindy sat in their chairs holding cold beers and eating cookies i sat by myself with the cat. She didn't even ask to see my engagement ring...Ginny's Parents asked to see it and congratulated me. When mindy got tired and said she was going home Ginny turns to me and says, "Yes, I'm quite tired as well." her way of saying, get the fuck out. I came home in tears. At one point while we were there, her and mindy started talking about Ginny's wedding, Mindy asked where she would be sitting, Ginny says the head table. At no point does she say, i will be sitting there, or i'll be sitting with the friends from back home, in fact, I don't think I'm invited at all.

flash to this weekend. Her and Dave came home for thanksgiving. She texted me twice on friday to tell me this. I told her i worked until 6 on saturday but the two of them should swing by my house, because they haven't seen it. I hear nothing back for two days. i wake up this morning (sunday) and i have a text message, recieved at 11:49 pm from dave, it reads like this, "sorry about this we should have told you earlier but kevin and his friend matt, becky and her friend shannon, ginny and i are all chillen at gins place, if you wanna stop in please do and im sorry it was so late to tell you about this". you have got to be fucking kidding me? you thought of me at fucking midnight? was someone too drunk and needed a ride home and thats why you texted me? to use me? to mention all these people i care about and remind me that not one of them thought to call me? I slammed the phone down and said that's fucking it. I'm done. I don't care if we used to be best friends but i'm tired of getting my heart broken. you know, a lot of my friends have buddies from college, i didn't go to college, i have them. And in my heart of hearts, i hoped i always would because they were all special to me, i grew up with these people. but im done. i'm done with getting a text saying, "Hey Im in town" and not hearing from them after i text them back. Im done with asking my friends to come see my house and not having them do it. I'm done with Kevin and Shanna who live 2 miles down the street, who never fucking call me. Or Mindy who has been my friend since i was 3 years old, who lives in town while she finishes grad school and never hearing from her.

And then i look at Mark, who has his friends in town. And who last night was trying to finish his jam room by himself, but couldn't because it's a two man job, and his frustration in the fact that no matter who he asks for help, they always say no. These people don't care. they are fucking selfish. If mark didn't have a house, i doubt they would call him. And that kills me. If he needed help, they wouldn't come, they wouldn't even call to see if he was Ok. and i think thats a lot of the reason why i never made much of an effort with these people.

I'm tired of the selfishness. i'm tired of being looked down on. im tired of when i reach out for help, in an emotional sense, not in the sense of money, and these people turn their backs on me. These are not the qualities i want in a friend. So goodbye.

(on a funny note, last night was also my five year high school reunion. yeah, pretty fucking pumped that i skipped that)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

would you look at that, another rant about work..

Today i had enough. My lead tech put the schedule out for this week and next. I could not find one single day out of the next two weeks where i have a shift to look forward to (by that i mean, i get out early, its a short day, anything to get me through). I approached her and said, "I have a bone to pick with you." I tried to be as nice and repectful as possible but i have a feeling it didnt turn out the way, maybe around the time i said, "I've hated every schedule you have given me since you started here," might not have been the right thing to say...

but really, it's true. i told her a few months ago that she should put me on nights for a little while because i really didnt like her version of a morning shift, (10-8 is not a morning shift, just because i get there in the morning does not make it a morning shift) i thought that at least if i said nights, i would have mornings to clean my house or make doctors appoinments or fucking finally get motivated to go to the gym. According to my lead tech a night shift is 12-10. Now fuck me. I have approached her about my schedule at least 1-2 times a month since she started and nothing ever fucking changes. i get thrown under the bus constantly. I look at everyone elses schedules and they have an easy 9-3, or at least getting out at four shift, 2-3 times a week. I do not. ever. And that to me, i believe, is the reason i have increasingly found it difficult to get through my weeks at cvs or even enjoy my days off from there. Well, at least that has to be one of the big reasons...

tomorrow my store rolls out WeCare, our new computer software program. Oh, it feels like just yesturday when we rolled out RxConnect. The only thing is, they gave us a few computer modules to do and didn't send us to other stores, so pretty much 90% of my store has absolutly no idea what they are doing, myself included. So tomorrow i work 12-8 and when i walk in and put my stuff down i will stop and stand in front of the computer and say, "Ok, how the fuck do i work this thing?" and the best part is all the higher ups will be there (including Addie or as Tom calls her "the amazon woman") and of course my pharmacy manager will be coming in on his day off after working his 14 hour.

not looking forward tomorrow...i just want to his fast forward to nine o'clock friday night when this fucking week is over...

Friday, October 26, 2012

So i bought a guinea pig at petco yesturday. She is adorable, super small and young and female, all things i wanted in a guinea pig. I know you aren't supposed to buy animals at pet stores, but it's not her fault if she was born and raised in unsanitary conditions, all animals still deserve a good home i say. Petco gives me a 15 day guarantee and says that if anything is to arise to bring her to their preferred vet, suffield veterninary hospital. Or i could bring her back to petco, sell her back, and once shes better or whatever, i can buy her back. Well i bring my tiny little bundle of joy home and have her on my chest and already she seems to like me. She snuggling and attempting to make little guinea pig sounds (she cant even peep yet, its adorable), and then she sneezes. At first its adorable, this tiny little rodent with a tiny sneeze...but then she sneezes again...and again...and i grow concerned. So i pulled my guinea pig books off the shelf and went online and did a little research. I guess, petstore guinea pigs are prone to have URI's (upper respitory infections). Luckily, my sweet little guinea pig named Pikachu, is only sneezing and possibley wheezing, its really hard to tell. She's perky, drinking water, eating and pooping up a storm but i figured since petco would foot the bill, i should call the vet in the morning... i call. After being on hold for about 10 minutes they tell me their exotics doctor won't be in until monday. Now what the fuck? It's a friday, which means this weekend a lot of vets will be closed all weekend. Why did you give the exotics doctor the day off? So i could have called petco and i could have brought my adorable guinea pig back but i did some further reading. By bringing Pikachu back, i have to sell her back making petco the owner of this guinea pig. They can do whatever the hell they want with her. They could say, "Eh, fuck it, our corporation doesnt want to pay to give this animal antibiotics, put it to sleep or stick it back in the cage and hope someone else buys it and lie to the girl who bought it." Many people who sell their guinea pigs back to petco, never get them back. I'm not doing that. I'm already in love. I know URI's in guinea pigs are a really big deal, but right now it seems like a case of the sniffles, so im going to keep my eye on her. I notice she does sneeze more when i take her out of the cage so for all i know she could be allergic to my purfume or the bedding i used is new to her and when she runs around the cage when i try to pick her up, she's kicking up dust.

the thing is, im not really mad at petco so much as suffield vet. i fucking hate that vet. I adopted my guinea pig, Pokey, from petco, and she was one the best pets i have ever had, and she lived to be six years old. When she started getting sick and stopped eating i was debating whether i should put her down, so i called suffield and made the appointment. But unlike with cats and dogs, i was not allowed in the room when they euthanized her. I would just drop her off and never see her again. This made me very uncomfortable. Pokey would have been alone and scared. Then what, they just chuck her in the waste basket, wash their hands and go home? i couldnt even take her home to bury her in my backyard? But i made the appointment and when the time came, pokey ate a cucumber, i think it was a sign that she really didnt want to go like that. So i called and i cancelled. Pokey died in my arms after the disney movie G-force ended. well a week later i get a $15 bill from suffield vet for a guinea pig euthanization. I'm fucking livid, i call them half screaming in anger, half crying. They tell me "Oh the vet signed off on it." This wasn't about the money, it was only fifteen dollars, this was principle. They put me on hold for 15 minutes and come back to say, "Oh, we'll call you back and see what we figure out." I never heard back from them, i never even got a fucking apology. Losing a pet is very difficult, one the worst things i feel a person to go through, and i was handling my pets death pretty well and moving on with my life until i opened up that letter...

anyway, im spending my day with Pikachu, making sure she's nice and comfy and warm. And also washing my quilt because she peed on it a bunch. My cat is super jealous too. I won't allow him in the room because he's a little asshole and i really can't trust him, but i know he knows some other animal is upstairs getting all mommys attention, so i have to spend some time making sure he's not all upset it's this hard with pets, cant wait to start having kids...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

for probably about two years i have been attempting to make myself a morning person. in bed at the very least by 11, up at the latest 9 o'clock. then i can work and have oh so much time to everything i want. guess what, it's not working. I used to never sleep, i had soo much trouble for the first 20 years of my life sleeping and one day i didnt (thank you melatonin). well guess what, after two years of getting that solid nine hours of rest my body suposidly requires, im always fucking tired! and depressed! and i get nothing done because i work, come home, have no energy and do nothing. Also, my creativity is freaking gone. The first few days of my vacation, i was attempting to keep myself on my normal routine, thinking because i didn't have to work i could do tons of shit during the day. didnt work out that way. So today, i slept until twelve, something that would have been normal for me at the age of nineteen but not 23. And guess what, my creativity burst, energy and desire to clean and decorate my house sprung up at about 11 o'clock at night. I decorated the downstairs of my house, actually folded my laundry instead of leaving it in the clean clothes laundry basket, and my office upstairs which has been packed in boxes for fucking months, yeah, it all came together in about an hour.

and i got to a teenager, i remember that around 12 o'clock every night after adult swim would switch over the anime is when i would start writing poetry, rearranging my room, actually fucking cleaning my room, getting homework done, writing stories and even novels, drawing, painting, sex, hell i would do Billy Banks Ty boe at 3 in the morning. My creativity, energy and basically any other happiness is at it's peak between the hours of 11pm-4am. And with my work schedule, i cannot be up during those hours. Unless i decide in the near future to give up sleeping or maybe even my job...i dont know if I'll ever be happy...or get anything done for that matter...

I guess it's true, you really just cannot turn a night owl into a morning person no matter how hard you try...

Monday, October 8, 2012

i used to love my job. (no really two former cvs employees that follow this thing, i am being honest!! no sarcasm at all!) Ok i didnt love my job at first, i was too drunk to love my job, but once i actually made a commitment to the place and knew how to do stuff, i loved my job. I believe it was around the time that Greg was a pharmacist there, and people started coming to me to solve problems instead of the other way around, and i was actually good at something that i loved my job. Then it went from love to, "I like my job". there were days i REALLY did not want to be there but days it was ok. Then it went to more days where i REALLY dont want to be here and i'm tolerating being here. Now, after five years. Every single day i walk into that place is a day i REALLY REALLY REALLLLLY don't want to be there. we have no staff, at all. everyone has a bad attitude. the management is incompetent. I hate my schedule. For instance, today i worked open until noon. Came home and now i have to go back and work 3-close. Really? and you know what, at the moment only 2 employees and 2 pharmacists are on. So do you know what i am walking into when i go back? Disaster. I dont mean to offend anyone, but i can't understand why no one else can manage the clear the Que. I dont know why but if i'm at drop off than the production que is a mess. If i am at production, than the drop off window is flooded with scripts. Why can't people multi-task? why cant people get shit done and have some sense of urgency to get said shit done? It has gotten so bad, i am having panic attacks over just having to walk into that place. It has gotten so bad that even if i have a couple days off from that place i cannot enjoy them because seriously, all i can think about is the fact that i have to go back. It's ruining my life and now I am stuck!! Mark and I are engaged and are planning on getting married september 2013. I just had my five year anniversary with cvs which means i get 3 weeks vacation this year. I need that three weeks vacation. I need it so i can get married and go on a honeymoon. I'm fucked...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

realizations through packing

I've suspected it all along but this weekend has further proved many facts to me. Say, i had someone pack up all my possessions for me, i believe they would suspect somehow a couple children won the lottery and managed to buy a house. It is fucking ridiculous the amount of shit Mark and I own and also, it is laughable how childish most of our shit is. Here are a few examples of random shit i have discovered through packing this weekend.

  • We own SOOO much star wars shit, it is not even funny. I don't think we have a single box packed that that does not have some form of star wars related memorbelia in it. Yet shockingly, we do not own even one of the star wars movies on vhs, dvd, or otherwise. 
  • I own at least, and i am not exagerating here, 100 pairs of shoes. Granted, my aunt is a shoe fanatic and when she went through her closet a few months ago i must have aquired at least, 30 pairs of shoes. Yet somehow, i generally wear about 4 pairs of these shoes...tops. 
  • Our lives must look as though they are completly run by video games. We have a nintendo wii, an xbox 360, a playstation II, an original playstatin, a sega genesis, a sega dreamcast (!), The original nintendo, nintendo 64, every other nintendo known to man (super nintendo, original gameboy, gameboy color, basically every gameboy known to man at least twice over). The only game systems i can think of that we don't own are playstation 3 and atari)
  • i own waaaaay too many stuffed animals than a 23 year old should own. I have at the very least, 7, count that again, 7 bags stuffed to brim with stuffed animals. And i have not thrown a single one that i have encountered away. This proves that i get sent to the hospital way too much. for instance, when i had my galbladder out in december, i recieved, i believe, 6 stuffed animals while in the hospital. Two days later was christmas, i think that christmas i recieved, about 6 more. 
  • My parents should never have found out i enjoy Hello kitty. I found at least 10 small hello kitty plush stuffed animals. they also purchased me a hello kitty toaster and alarm clock. This does not count pocket mirrors, lip glosses, assorted tiny action figures and over absolutly ridiculous etc. items with that fucking cat with a bow. 
  • For some reason we have like 20 sets of salt and pepper shakers. none are serious. One is penguins that wind up and slide across the table, tinkerbell, and my favorite, giraffes. 
  • I have taken this animal print fade waaaay too far. Blankets, figurines, expensive candle holders, my clothes, shoes, pillows, (various) bags including but not limited to, backpacks, pocket books, wallets, hats, pj pants, fucking, anything you can think of.
  • we have too many guitars for a family of two, where only one knows how to actually play the fucking instrument. also, amplifiers, guitars and equipment GET IN THE FUCKING WAY when packing, especially when you dont have a moving truck.
  • neither of us can ever throw ANYTHING away. I stumbled apon random legos that mark made me keep. mark stumbled upon random slips of paper with just a few lines written on them i made him keep. 
  • My cat refuses to cooperate when packing. He has one toy he loves and has had since he was 4 months old, this tiny mouse we affectionatly names "house mouse" a threw most of his toys into a box and went along packing, a few hours later, came back to the box to find the only toy missing was house mouse. This happened at least two more times before i threw the lid on the box and took it away.
  • i have bought/recieved as gifts waaaay too much stuff from partylite. And this makes packing very difficult because almost everything is fragile. 
  • i have packed at least 20 garbage bags of clothes and this is not all of them, i have tons in the wash or about to be washed. but how, may i ask you, is it that i only wear about the same 7 tshirts and like 3 pairs of the same pants? 
  • I found at least 30 bottles of perfume, but i only wear one
  • why do i have paychecks from cvs that i got from my first two weeks of working there?
  • how do we have four boxes of shot glasses but i quit drinking?
more to come when the UNpacking begins...

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I do a lot of reading. This a recent thing, like maybe the past year or two. I used to read maybe 3-4 books a year. Thats about how many i read a week now. sure, I start books and never finish, them as many people do, either because of work or i lose interest or simply forget. Until tonight there was only one book i couldn't finish because it deeply, deeply disturbed me. The book was, "Johnny got his gun". I started it because i love history and war movies and all that shit. Let me describe to you why i could not finish this book. He gets wounded in the war. He is bandaged up all over, stuck in a bed. Somethings wrong with his ears, he can't hear. Something is wrong with his eyes, he can't see. And worst of all, something is wrong with his voice, he cannot speak. He is lying in a bed completly and utterly imobolized, unable to scream or hear or anything. At one point a rat climbs into his hospital bed and begins to chew on him, he can't move to stop it. He can't scream to tell someone its happening. He just has to lay there. Maybe the writing was so great but i actually felt it. I was reading and i couldn't sit still. I felt like i was having a panic attack, my breathing sped up, i felt physically ill, restricted. I threw the book down and actually went for a run. Yes, a run, i do not run. But i had to, i literally felt as if i couldn't move, i couldn't breathe...i think i may have even screamed into my pillow just be sure i had a voice. I never picked up the book again, it affected me that much.

Tonight after finishing Valley of the dolls (a good book) i started "The jungle" by Upton sinclair. I downloaded a ton of free classics on my kindle determined to read them. I started the book, kind of boring and then they get to Chicagos meat packing district. They take a tour of the butchery, for fun i might add, and in great detail describe how they killed the animals, mercilessly and in great numbers. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I am sick to my stomach right now. I am considering running to the bathroom to throw up the shake and bake chicken dinner i ate tonight. I can literally still feel it in my stomach. I love animals, i really do and have often said that i don't know how i am not a vegetarian, mostly because it's a huge inconvinence...but as i sit here tonight...i'm thinking about what i'm going to eat tomorrow and as of now it's just peanut butter and jelly. See...this is why i never watch those peeta videos. Goddamnit, i am over thinking everything. I am an athiest, i do not believe in a heaven or a hell and even if i did, they don't believe in animals going to heaven. SO what, these creatures are put on earth for us to harvest and eat? And if so...then why do they have to feel pain and emotions? I'm overanalyzing...this is going to be a long night...

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I was working today when my mom, grandma and ashley came into the pharmacy. Earlier this week my mom was faced with an issue. They just sold their house and were supposed to be moving into my dads cousins apartment because she could no longer afford it. Last minute, she finds a job and says she is staying. My parents closing date is like, next monday. So suddenly, they are homeless and fucked over. They look around and find an apartment but they can't move in until like august first, which means boarding with family until then, which sucks. The downside of all of this? the apartment doesn't allow cats. My parents have two cats, each weighing in at a whoping 20 pounds each. They have to live in my parents bedroom because their other cat is an evil territorial bitch. Their bedroom smells like the inside of dumpster. When these cats take a shit, you wake up gagging, it's literally disgusting. They have to clean the litter box like 3 times a day and it still smells.

i get a phone call from my mom and she asks me when my closing date. "August 1st" and she asks me if i would be able to take the cats. I didn't know what to say. I kept changing the subject and just said, "I'll talk to mark about it." Well i talked to Mark and got an immediate know. Now i dont know if this makes me a terrible person, but i was semi relieved. I had no idea where we would put these things. And we have plans to get a dog when we move out and I'm also going to have office guinea pigs. Count that, if i took these cats that would be six pets. Six mouths to feed and pet and take care of. Flash back to today, i still haven't talked to my mom. And there her and company are standing at the register. And she asks me, "So did you talk to him?" and she says it in that cautious, i already know what your going to say voice so i find it will be easy to break it to her, at least, that's the impression she gave me. Her demeanor changes immediatly, "He's a fucking selfish asshole, I'm sorry but he is."  I say something around the lines of i can try a little harder but it's a lot of responsibility and we just can't do it. My grandma backs up and my mom throws her hand in my face and says, "I can't even look at you right now," and storms out of the pharmacy. Flash to me running the bathroom and throwing up my lunch because I am so anxious and feel so guilty? but why do i feel so guilty? I call my dad, thinking he might side with me. My mom had called him first.
"I'm not too happy with mom right now" i tell him
"Well she's not too happy with you."

A semi shouting match at drop off ensues as I'm telling him reasons why we can't keep them and he's telling me i have to. Then he says he was planning on paying my car loan and credit card off once they sold the house, he said my late payments are dragging down his credit score. He told me to bribe mark and say that he'll do that if we take the cats. I say I'll try, fighting back tears and hang up. I just felt bombarded. Anytime i'm around anyone, they just always have someway of telling me absolutly everything i'm doing wrong with my life. Everything i do is wrong. Everything i say is wrong. every decision i make is wrong. I guess i'm just a selfish peice of shit according to everyone. Today at work was just one of those days where i felt even more like shit when i left because i couldn't get anything done. I was so anxious, so upset, so sick to my stomach, i couldnt bring myself to pick up the phone or count a fucking prescription. i felt useless.

Well i come home and talk to mark, leaving out how rude my mom was to me, and brought up the bribe. He still said no. he said "let them blame me I dont care, i don't want them. And they guilted you so bad that your sitting here trying so hard to convince me to let you take them in even though i know you don't want them. They asked you a favor, you can deny a favor. dont let them make you feel bad about it."

he also brought up a major concern i have been having...they really haven't been treating me that great lately. I've been having these nightmares lately, not like snakes or people dying nightmares, emotional, anxiety ridden nightmares. In these dreams i am hopeless, only conscious of a bottle of xanax in my pocket. I can never get out of situations, i'm crazy, people treat me weird, i am either about to be committed to a mental hospital or i jsut got out of one. I am a nusance because my family seems to have to care for me in these dreams. My mom is unemotional towards my condition. She's always there but completly calm and cool when shit starts to fall apart. It just reminds me of everytime i try to talk to her, she has depression too, she knows what it's like and whenever i try to talk to her about it she changes the subject or says, "you have to snap out of it." and being one the only people i have in my life, it's just really difficult not being able to talk to her about it. And in these dreams, I'm always just a disapointment to my dad. He won't talk to me, even when i'm screaming bloody murder at him, he doesn't even acknowledge that i exist. I've been wondering the past few weeks what that meant until i called him this afternoon and got no reassurance from him, just negativity. Like it is true. I am just a disapointment.

I feel so helpless. It wasn't until last night that i brought the dreams up to mark. He said the dreams remind him of when i drink too much, especially the last few times. He brought up the near overdose in february and how they had me on the stretcher and i lay there screaming that i wanted it to stop. I was terrified and had forgotten completly how i had gotten there. I just wanted it all to just go away, be undone, and have mark take me home and go to bed and have things be back to they way they were. I realized these nightmares started after my last drinking excusion, i lost hope after that, i lost everything. i lost all control of my life, i became numb, i gave up.

I second guess everything. Everything that happens to me causes an upsurge of these horrific thoughts, everything feels broken, i can't fix anything. There are flaws in every part of my life, no matter what i do or what i don't do. I have sat back everything night, reconsidering every relationship i have and whether i want to continue that relationship. My relationship with my family has become selfdestructive. All we do is drink together. I mean for god sake, i went to my moms house last saturday at 7:30 at night, she had to be in bed by 9. She offered me a twisted tea in the matter of 10 minutes of being there. she even went as far as to count how many she had (6) and wondered if it was enough. An hour and a half of drinking and your concerned there won't be enough? are you serious? And why start drinking an hour and a half before bed? Can you really not talk to me unless you have a buzz on? And hello, your daughter has a serious drinking problem!!!

I know they love me. i know some of my friends still love me. I know people care...but do they care enough? do i care enough? I just no longer see the point in trying. Everyone an asshole. I used to love meeting new people. i used to love going out and talking, but you know what, over the past few years, everyone i talk to doesn't seem to care what i say. no one hears me. no one is real anymore and i dont know if i've changed or they have...

Friday, June 22, 2012

hibernation mode

It's official, i am going into hibernation mode. I am not going to make attempts to reach out anymore. I not going to attempt to be friends with anyone. I will not find a house because the one we found was perfect and FHA took it away from us. i will not go out with anyone because then I'll drink and be an asshole. i will not got out and find another job even though i'm slowly beginning to hate the one i have. I will not work out. I will eat fast food. I don't care. I have reached my ultimate point of apathy and numbness, or at least I'm almost there...

I will not go over the events of this week because I still don't even want to think about it or what may have happened. I am leaving myself in the dark and will eventually wash the towels i vomited all over on saturday night. I will continue to walk into work with my shitty mood and allow it to spread to all my fellow employees because i have watched it happen all week long. At this point, and from clariffication from other people, including those closest to me, i am not worth it. And I can just tell. Like how two weeks ago, when my mom let me drink with her, even though she knows i have a problem, my brother getting in a fight with me, and my father of all people lets me drive home shit faced out of my head. Mark says they love me but they have shitty judgement. I say, i am the one who made them that way. I obviously have no regard for myself or others and dont give a shit, and say i'm going to do things, or not do things in this case, and do them anyway. Oh this time will be different i always say, but it never is. I never learn. And it's not just the alcohol thats the problem, its me as an entire person. Mark made that perfectly clear. My parents do. His family does. My so called friends have. I dont change, i never learn, and apparently I'm fucking lazy. So fuck it. I'll work. I'll come home. If i ever get a house, which feels like never, i'll clean it. But you know what, after that I'm taking my xanax, im eating whatever the fuck i want and i am passing out. I give up. I dont care. or actually i do care about everyone else, and thats why im still fucking here...

I have never felt so shitty in my entire life. I could have had a nice, ideal weekend, but i go and ruin it. I ruin everything, I've ruined every goddamn fucking moment in my life. It's not worth it. I have never been happy. I never will be happy. I quit.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

amusing stories from Boston

A note before i begin this entry. i am not usually a petty person. I get over shit fast, especially if someone has the balls to appologize to me. I can easily forgive people, with few exceptions, 6'8 boyfriend would fit in that category. Unless i just realllly realllly don't like you, and generally my only reason for not liking someone is because they are a terrible person, inside and out. And this person fits into this category and you will probably feel the way i do after reading this entry.

So Monday Mark, his band of friends and I went up to Boston to see Rancid. It was a splendid day, nice weather. mark and i hit the aquarium and had an $70 lunch and bought a ton of new Vinyl records. We bought half pints of booze and drank by the water, (my first time drinking since february and it went well for those who were wondering). We walked over the House of Blues about a half hour before the show, which is RIGHT next to fenway park, which i have never been to, so I'm in my glory. Anyway, a friend of mine, Vanessa, was supposed to come with my mortal enemy, stephanie. Well when stephanie turns up, Vanessa isn't there and has instead brought our buddy Tom. Now, i have nothing against Tom, in fact out of all of Marks friends, Tom is one of my favorites but then it dawns on me, "Oh shit, we're the only two chicks. The guys are going to be moshing and shit and Mark is going to expect me to stand with Stephanie all night.FUUUUUUUCK!!"

Why do i dislike Stephanie so much? Let me put it this way, in 7th and 8th grade, her and her little fucker friends, who i had never spoken to, had no similar friends and didn't even know what they looked like until the yearbook came out, decided to harasss me MERCELISLY I MIGHT ADD, on aol instant messenger...for MONTHS. Ok, I had done nothing to these people to provoke this kind of attention and i ended up having to rat on them and almost get them arrested for this horrible bullying to stop. I was devestated. i mean if they had known me or i tried to steal a boyfriend or i was a bitch to them, something to validate this bullying it wouldn't have hurt so much, BUT with absolutly no reason behind it, it killed me. And the icing on the cake, i run into stephanie and her crew a few years later, and they don't even remember harrassing me. WHAT THE FUCK! They made my life a living hell and didn't even remember doing it. Stephanie's friends quickly appologized but it took her twenty minutes of me saying, "just appologize and it's cool" for her to finally give me a half assed, "I'm sorry."

The thing that i love the most about this story is she used to be incredibly popular with tons of friends. And FINALLY over the years people started to realize what a dumb asshole she is and no one wants to hang out with her and no one likes her. And she is CONSTANTLY trying to regain that former glory and attention from guys and her tight group of evil chick friends and she can't do it. And it's so entertaining to me. 

So over the years, when i run into her I have been seeking my revenge. Revenge generally isn't my thing but the thing is, she's such a dumb bimbo, SHE MAKES IT SOOO EASY I CAN'T RESIST! And she's afraid of me too, so it's fucking awesome. Instance number one, she throws a party at her house after Mark and I first start dating and I go to her house and get hammered. I mean hammered, i start wandering around the party making up blatant lies about her and spreading them all around the house. I stole booze from what i can only assume was her parents stash. I fucking went in every bathroom in her house and put every single toothbrush in the toilet, spit on her deodarant, eyeliner pens thrown in toilet, anything i could think of. And the worst part, i don't even feel bad about it. With anyone else, i would feel some remorse, but with her, those scars run deep and karmas a fucking bitch. Plus, it's so hard to feel sorry for her when you hear her talk, that nasally, girly, "Heeeeeeeeyyyyy" voice, you know the one.

So, here i am in the House of Blues, and i lose our entire group of guy friends at check in and I'm stuck with her. Fuck...i need that soco is not going to last me all night. So, we go get beer. And i try to avoid her at alllll fucking costs, but it's just not working out. While we're outside having a cigarette she says she thinks the bassist in Mark's friends band is hot. She's been hitting on the guitarest all night, but i like him so I don't want to screw him over and a plan dawns on me. From rumors i had heard, Zach is a man whore and I would pay good money to see this. So I corner zack while she's getting her like 7th beer.
"Yo zack, Stephanie says she wants your balls. She said your wicked hot, you should make a move on her."
(this is word for word i swear to god) And that's all it took. I went out for a cigarette and Mark comes out to tell me they were making out full on and he was feeling her up. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm standing with his friend's and as they are all cracking up I fucking go "I did that! I made this possible!"

And the "Poor Zach" comments are made but mostly everyone is patting me on the back. Then literally, not even 10 minutes after Zach comes up to our group and says, "I better not hear any shit out of ANY of you on the car ride home." He already regretted his decision. And, i later found out that right before he went in to kiss her asked her, "Do you have herpes?" Seriously, for any other girl, that would be a slap in the face, not for Stephanie. She simply answered no and kissed him.

So periodically during the night she would have to run to the bathroom (typical drunk chick, every 5 minutes) so she'd leave her beer with me. At least 3 times I'd down her beer and make up some excuse, "Oh somebody took it," or "It fell over". Anyway, Rancid is about to come on and Mark wants to mosh but his overprotectivness knows no bounds. he says to me, "Stay with Stephanie off to the side, I don't want you going in the pit." And I nod and say yup...ok...sure. Rancid comes on and when Mark isn't looking, i ditch dumb bimbo and bolt for the mosh pit. It was amazing. i was throwing dudes around twice my weight, and having an amazing time. Gradually throughout the set, i made my way to the front, taking no prisoners. Shoving people aside and being rude as hell but goddamnit, THIS IS RANCID! Midset, i was against the barrier in front of Matt Freeman, the bassist and screaming the lyrics to my hearts content. It was the most amazing show i've ever been too. Any other concert, I'm standing there thinking "When is this going to be over...i wanna sit down...i want a's hot and i'm sweaty and this sucks" Nope. This show felt like it only lasted 15 minutes, it was amazing. I couldn't feel my ribs slowly being bruised by the metal barrier or my voice slowly going into non-existance. It was wonderful. The end of the show they throw out the drumsticks and goddamnit, i had the damn stick in my left hand before some bitch grabbed it and disapeared into the crowd. It was so heartbreaking.

We all end up outside, drenched in our own and other peoples sweat, bruised, winded, and as for myself without a voice. Stephanie finally emerges....two songs in she got kicked out of the show. She traveled two hours to the city to see this concert and she got kicked out. And then, as we're walking to our cars, in the middle of a public sidewalk, she stops, pulls her pants down and pisses IN PUBLIC on the sidewalk and then makes tom drive home because she's so hammered.

All in all, it was the greatest show I've ever been to in my life and reafirming the fact that i am awesome and she sucks makes me happy. Even though i know it shouldnt....

Monday, May 14, 2012

happy birthday to me

I had the most amazing birthday a girl could ask for. Mark bought me a keurig, the best one out there and i am absolutly in love with it! And also in love with the fact that i no longer have to leave 20 mins early for work and buy a 3 dollar coffee at dunkin anymore. We met with our realtor and saw 5 houses, we fell in love with one house, a split level. Hardwood floors, breakfast bar, sliding door to the deck and amazing kitchen. A few stairs leading to the basement, with a door leading to a two car garage, then more steps down to another basement. Oh my god it was magnificent but unfortunatly the roof needed for be redone as well as windows and siding, totaled to about $20,000 worth of work. :( what a disapointment. So we found nothing that day, but we're getting out there and it's great. My parents threw me my first birthday party in i can't tell you how long. It was perfect. They bought olive garden, chicken parm and a gallon of chicken gnoche soup (yummmm) and while everyone else feasted on that, i was special and got my own dish, stuffed chicken marsala. They even bought a frank sinatra cd and a tuscan cd to play while we ate, while the house was decorated with green and red streamers (get it...Italy). They got me a giant hello kitty balloon and the most adorable hello kitty cake. I love my parents, i couldn't ask for a better family, it was perfect and i could not tell them how grateful i was for all the trouble they went to. In all i banked about two hundred 70 dollars from the fam. My mom bought me new martini glasses from party lite, i dont know how she found them because they were discontinued and i unfortunaly broke all three of mine but i was so grateful to have them back and they smell wonderful. Then we had a family game of wiffle ball on spellman field, i was on a team with my 7 year old girlie cousin, who was more interested in cheerleading, and my cousin with down syndrome, but i doubled my efforts and kicked butt.

Thursday, mark and i went to Newport, RI. We stayed in a lovely hotel right on the water and walked around the town all day. We had sushi for lunch and found the most amazing finds at a vinyl record shop, we had to have spent over $100 bucks on records alone but it was so worth it. I found "And out come the wolves" by rancid, a minor threat album and "Freaky stylie" by the red hot chilli peppers. Score. And we found a pair of pink handcuffs at the army store which were put to use quick haste in our hotel room. But you didn't need to know that ;). We walked about 5 miles to the casino, which was a bust. Took our first cab ride ever because i was not walking another 5 miles home. And had the most amazing meal i've ever had in my life at the Red parrot. Oh my god, their french onion soup had soooo much cheese and bread and wasn't salty at all, like every other place i get it. I had tilapia stuffed with lobster, smothered in lobster sauce. To die for, and even had big lobster claws stuffed in it. For dessert, Chocolate ice cream with brownies, chopped walnuts, peanut butter sauce, hot fudge, smothered in whipped cream. Oh. My. God. We ended the day with a quick dip in the salt water pool which we had to ourselves and it was lovely.

Friday, we went to the zoo in providence. I love the roger williams zoo!!! By far, my favorites were the river otter, zebras, giraffes, elephants and the most cuddly looking red panda of all time. We went in the amazon room and for some reason there was no fense between us and this tiny monkey. i generally hate monkeys, can't trust 'em, but we were so close to this little guy he was chirping at mark and before a bunch of yelling children came by, he almost jumped to him. It was fantastic. And in the gift shop while i tried to decide between the red panda and river otter stuffed animals, mark scooped 'em up and bought me both. I love them, although i told myself i would not buy anymore stuffed animals on this trip. I can't help myself. Their so cute!!

I feel so grateful. For my family and Mark. They made this the greatest birthday i could ask for. It was just too much. i dont know what i did to deserve all these great things from these people but i'm so fucking happy.

Monday, April 30, 2012

so things over here have been great. Well, that is up until today, but i will get to that. First off, I've been walking almost everyday. It hasn't gotten a lot easier, especially on those 4 mile walk days but I'm making progress. And just putting my body into motion about 5 days a week has proven to be effective, for both boosting my mood and i even think i see a little bit of fat coming off my midsection which makes me realllllly happy. Diet wise, i haven't been doing that great. Ramen noodles are still a main staple in my diet but i stopped eating those stouffers mac and cheese meals out of the freezer at work and replacing them with lean cuisines. Also, i've been eating protein bars in the morning instead of a blueberry muffin at dunkin. Not the best meal choices but hey, it's an improvement. I've been doing work with this book called, "The artists way", it's a six week course that helps you unleash your inner artist. One of the tasks is having to write 3 hand written pages every single day, even if you have nothing to say. I haven't written everyday or written the 3 pages every single time either but i have been keeping up with it and it has been very helpful. Along with the other tasks, i see this turning out well. I've been reading a lot about happiness as well. I finished the happiness project and moved onto the art of happiness by the dalai llama. And this book is full of great advice. And just the act of thinking and reading about happiness, MAKES ME HAPPY, it's amazing what a difference these little changes have been making. I've also been reaching out more and i never realized how easy it could be. I started texting with my friend shanna regularly, and i've seen her a few times in the past week. I went for a walk with my friend traci from work. I've spent time with my mom, not drinking, and instead walking or going out to dinner and it's great because we can still talk! i've been considering filing my fafsa soon and going back to school in the fall. I want to get out of cvs, i want to become a therapist. I know it's a lot of school but i just keep telling myself how much better off i will be in a few years. I could have my own office and help people and have a job i really love. A job that plays on my strong personality traits, like my compassion. i could do something that makes me happy and also the fact that i'd be making more than 16,000 dollars a year would be fantastic too! I just would be so much more financially stable if i had a career instead of a job. My parents are about to put their house on the market. They have owned their home for about 16 years, and after all this time and even me moving out they are still struggling! My dad says they are no better off than they were 16 years ago. Because they never went to college, they work jobs that pay shit. I don't want that for myself and mark. And this is all very important because.....

WE HAVE ENOUGH CREDIT TO GET A HOUSE!!!! We have good enough credit to get a $140,000 house! This is really happening! We met with a realtor this weekend and have basically been looking at houses non-stop. Seriously, if i'm not online looking at houses, i'm in the car trying to find these places. Our financial advisor told us best case scenario, we can be out of here in 2-3 months. This is fucking awesome. This is really happening, i never thought this day would ever come. But the joy was short lived because soon mark did the math and said, "baby, your spending over 2 grand a year on cigarettes ALONE!"

Oh my god, out of the 7 years i have smoked i never looked at it that way. i never looked at that number. Thats like another bill. I still have a grand left to pay on my car loan. If i didnt smoke, that shit would be paid off by now. Imagine, how selfish i felt when i realized this is why im always broke, this is why i havent been able to contribute much to our savings. Oh my god. And it wasn't just that. I went to my therapist last week and we had and EMDR session, i really cannot explain to you what EMDR is, you'll have to look it up. but as my mind was going the topic of self care popped up in my head. And i started thinking about the fact that other people, like my mom or mark, can really care about me but that can't control how i treat my body or what i put into it. They may care soooo much about my wellbeing but they can't force me to quit smoking so i don't get cancer or make me stop eating junk food so i stay healthy and don't get sick. Only i can do that, only i can take care of myself, i am the only person who has to love myself enough to get these behaviors to stop. The whole process was fantastic, i got so much more out of it but smoking kept coming up in my head and i kept pushing it aside, pushing it aside, knocking it off like it didn't matter. but it does. A lot. So today, April 30th, i woke up, smoked two cigarettes in a row and then tore up my last one. I threw on a nicotine patch and said goodbye to my closest friend for the past 7 years. It has not been an easy day for me.

There have been a few positives i did not expect to see. Like work for example, I warned everyone to watch out for me, but i was in a really good mood and things that would usually bother me, didnt. I was shocked that the time actually went by faster when i wasn't going outside every hour or two to smoke. I was more patient because i wasn't staring at the clock wondering when the next chance i was going to have to go outside again. It felt really good. Granted, driving was difficult. Taking my half hour lunch was difficult. Having my friend call me and cancel my plans to go walking was hard because it forced me to go home, which i was trying to avoid because i chain smoke when im home and bored. I just never realized how much i think about smoking. I am constantly thinking about it, especially now that i can't. It's amazing how much something so stupid and pointless can have so much control over my life. But enough, i want to control MY life.

One last thing before i wrap this up. I realized another thing through all these things i've been doing to make myself happier, they have made my relationship with Mark soooo much better. Last night we watched a nature show and i just sat on the floor while he stroked my hair and i can't put into words how content with the world i was...

Sunday, April 15, 2012

my happiness project

I started reading the happiness project this weekend because i had heard some good reviews about it. Although, to give the writer the benefit of the doubt, there are some good bits of advice in the book but it's not exactly what i was expecting or what i have been looking for on my path toward happiness. For one thing, the writer does not know what it is to be depressed. in fact, she writes from a point in her life where she is in a career she loves (a writer), with a husband she loves, children she adores and is already happy but realizes one day she could be HAPPIER. All the big decisions of life seem to already be sifted through, like going to college for a certain degree and getting a career. This isn't what i'm looking for as my life needs a complete overhaul in just about every department. I'll finish the book anyway but it's only got me thinking about what needs to be done in my life. I've tried making elaborate lists of what i need to do but i stick with it for a day or two and its back to the old routine i go. But i'm wasting my life. Work, sleep, read, eat bed.. what kind of life is that? where nothing is being achieved, i'm not being challenged, i have too much time to sit and dwell on whats not being done that i get so overwelmed i decide doing nothing is better than completing one or two tasks. So i'm starting small, and began today.

It wasn't a particularly good day. My energy levels are completly drained. I have bronchitus and even with the 60mg of prednisone and my large dunkin iced coffee, i find myself faltering around 3pm. I went to bed around 11:30 last night and slept until 12pm! And still i felt as though i had no energy to speak of. But i forced myself out of bed, no matter how much my body and mind nagged me for more sleep. Marks family is away for the weekend and mark worked today so i took advantage of this time in the house to myself. Just me, toots and the dog. So i started cooking. I made a pasta salad and a chilli dip. I watched one of my favorite shows, took some time to sit on the deck and read my kindle. Then i challenged myself. Any physical activty lately is a huge feat for me. We went to the batting cages and hit some golf balls yesturday and i came home ready for a nap. So today, i grabbed the dogs leash and i took him for a walk. I told myself it would be short, up the side street, a bit down the side walk and than back down our street home. But by the time i reached the top of pierce, pirate seemed in a good shape and i asked if he wanted to keep going, he seemed keen to the idea. So i headed to the next street over, walked down it, looped around and back up the side street, then back down the side walk and home. Had to have been at least a mile or two and what a difference it did for me. I was sweaty and my legs hurt but i had energy. i was awake. And my mind felt so much clearer than it has in so long. And after that, i started weeding out my room, getting rid of clothes, clearing the clutter, and i already feel better with the fewer distractions sitting mockingly all over my shelf space.

So i've decided, since at this point in time i cannot make that commitment to get myself to the gym, than a walk about the block before or after work it is. And it's nice because i have my furry companion to come along with me. Instead of making a massive list of things that need to be done in my life, i've decided taking on at least one new challenge a day, no matter how small, building up to the big stuff. Maybe if i see little improvments, the big stuff will come along easier.

I just don't identify with this book though. This person didn't have nearly half of the shit i have to tackle. I have to quit smoking, find a career i want to pursue, go back to school, get nationally certified, find a job i love, get organized, get more exercise, eat better, stop eating ramen noodles everyday, lay off the candy, build a better realtionship with my boyfriend, find a group of friends that works for me and embrace those relationships, get my energy levels up to par, keep appointments and stop backing out of engagments, take up a hobby, go through that huge folder of guitar tabs and actually learn them, write more, keep a journal, tend to this blog more and make it a better space, use my camera, watch less tv, manage my money better, get a fucking house, build a fucking's so much....

But one step at a time baby! I can do this and one thing i did learn from this book that i've never really looked at before is this, it's not the destination that really matters. i need to be happy with the journey, because it's not the future that really matters ,even if i accomplish these goals, more issues will arise, more things will need to be figured out...i need to be happy NOW!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

grant me the serenity

I'm not really sure how to place my feelings at this moment. All i can really say is the thing that happened in october, happened again, much much worse this time. And as i've been trying to work through this and figure out what comes next, as i did survive the experience, i dont know what i want. I'm alive and thats for a reason ,because my family cared enough to call an ambulance even when i told them to let me just die. I know this all happened because of alcohol. Ok, maybe not entirely, the depression and anxiety and the way i handle my life are equally to blame. but i dont know where to go from here. I dont know how to get over what i did, the people i hurt, it's almost embarassing. The way i was horrible and i think the worst part is not remembering. And when anyone tries to talk about it, i can't, i really just cant. i dont want to know what i said, i dont want to know how i broke the cabinet door or my moms ceramic elephant. i dont want to remember the medics name who i forced to hold my hand in the ambulance because i was scared. I dont want to know how my mom told the rest of the family on the phone or what i had done before she screamed at me, "Look at what you've made me do! I had to call the cops on my own daughter!"

I've wanted to cry, a lot these past few days. i've wanted to talk about it, but i can't. I've wanted to write about it but it's so hard to get the words out. It's hard to figure out how i fix this mess i've made my life into. It's been years in the making. And when i finally hit rock bottom, it was exactly how i imagined it to be. After every other drunken, embarassing, close to death moment i've had, i live with the embarassment, this constant anxiety poking at me, never failing to show it's ugly face even in my happiest of moments. but when i hit the bottom, and woke up to the sounds of the hospital, wearing that gown and having no idea who changed me, and lying there alone...the fear was there, the anger, the sadness...everything...but it wasn't knawing away at my insides slowly. i could feel it, i could recognize it but it wasn't killing me. And for the first time i knew i had to do something. Because i've spent the past two years of my life, lying on my back, afraid to act, giving up anything if it was to hard. trying to convince myself that if i was still making it into work then i was fine. but i was not fine because even though i wasn't at the point where i was missing work because of my depression, i still wasn't doing ANYTHING. i complain i have no friends, but i dont put in the effort. i dont write because im embarassed about what im saying. i dont play guitar anymrore because im always saying im not good enough. i dont speak to anyone unless i have a drink in my hand. i come home and i lie in bed and a take a few xanax and wait impatiently to fall asleep, because my life is so much easier in dreams.

I have put no effort into my life. i eat mcdonalds like everyday. i haven't worked out in almost six months. I dont want to do anything...and thats how i got myself to that point. that point where i felt as if i had nothing to live for, as if there was no reason to keep going. And with no faith in religion or a higher power, i left myself with nothing to turn to.

So what now? I saw my psychiatrist twice this week, got in contact with my therapist and made an appointment, made an appointment with a drug and alcohol abuse professional and will be attending my first AA meeting tomorrow. I've missed a bunch of work and they are all probably furious with me, and i am worried about losing my job, but i need this time becuase i have not given myself this time in years. I am taking care of myself. I am putting myself on some form of path to recovery. And i dont just mean recovery from being an alcoholic or my depression. I am putting myself on a path where i actually try, where i actually live my life. Where i can actually finally see things, actually grasp them and appreciate the beauty that life is. I have not stopped and actually enjoyed life in so long i can't remember what it even feels like to live. I feel like i have a very long road ahead of me, where nothing is certain. I am not making any promises to myself this time because i never stick to them. All i know for certain is that my relationship with alcohol is over. It has done nothing good for my life and over the past few years has only made me a worse off person than i already was. I am hoping to come out of this experience in a few years a more well rounded person. My only goals at this point being to make myself a healthy person, so i can enjoy life to the fullest. and by healthy i mean both physically and mentally. I hope to come out of this experience with a few friends, and i realize i have not tried hard enough to actually maintain friendships over the years....unless i'm drinking. I hope to find some form of outlet for all these pent up emotions whether it be in the form of writing, painting, music...whatever but i cant leave it all bottled up inside me anymore. because when that first sip of alcohol gets into me it comes pouring out in a not so glamourous fashion....

I dont know if i'll ever drink again. i dont know if im in that position where i can say im done with it FOREVER. I dont know if i'll become one of those people who during a champaigne toast drinks apple juice. I dont know....all i know is i need to go a few years without it but i dont think i'll ever have that off switch in my head that tells me "that's enough" after one or two drinks. I'm so unsure of everything right future and my work situation...whether in a few months i'll decide to go back to school or if i'll ever have the strength within myself to get out of cvs. i dont know...usually i'm so focused on the big picture but for the first time in my life i'm not thinking about those major things. I kind of just feel like i broke a glass and instead of picking up the larger pieces first and vacuming up the tiny little slivers....i'm picking up those little slivers first, and even if they are the pieces that tend to make you bleed...i dont know. The little things are important too, maybe most imporatant for all i know. i guess the time for apologies will come soon. I hurt a lot of people, people who i can't believe i had the ability to hurt. And for the first time since this happened i was finally able to stay to myself today, "I tried to kill myself and it didnt work. and although i don't believe in god or a higher power, i am here for a reason. It wasn't my time yet so its about fucking time i make the most of it"