Monday, December 27, 2010

christmas loot

I had a really nice holiday. Christmas eve i spent with the family. We had drinks and everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts i got them. We played this game where you had to put a scarf and hat over your head and then put on oven mits and unwrap a present. It was hilarious watching my 7 years old cousin struggle with it for what felt like an hour. After everyone left my brothers and my parents and i had our christmas morning. Christmas day was pretty uneventful, mark and I mostly hung around the house in our pajamas and we watched star wars...i know real festive right? I just got my grades, i'm really excited. B- in spanish, B+ in history and an A in creative writing yeah, i rock.

Christmas Loot:
-A kindle from marky
-pokemon cards and a pokedex book
-gift card to the book store at asnuntuck
-marks mom and sister made me a blanket and pillow set
-hello kitty alarm clock from mom and dad
-gift cards to dunkin donuts, kohls, victorias secret, marshalls as well as plenty of cash

Happy holidays everyone!

Monday, December 20, 2010

I just don't know how much longer I can hold my head up. I dont know how much longer I can ignore it and wait to go numb because i dont think the numbing is going to happen this time. I'm just going to feel this whole thing as it winds out. I got home after picking mark up from work. All i did yesturday was smoke weed with my brother and put up christmas decorations, which turned out to be a horrible disapointment where no one was happy and we didnt even turn on the tree when we were through. I got home and saw the car i will soon be driving in the neighbors driveway and took it for a spin. very nice. but then i got home to call my mom about her taking me to get a loan this week. I have been calling her REPEATEDLY to make it official that we are going. She started yelling in my ear about how this was a bad idea and she was pissed at mark...while mark was standing right next to me. He's not coming to christmas eve now. And to further ruin my christmas, mark ordered my present on amazon with my email address and they sent the confirmation. Him being completley computer illiterate did not realize this happens. So i'm getting a kindle with a hot pink cover which is very nice and i'm very happy about it but that still ruins all the surprise and fun from the holiday. i figured it was best not to tell him and ruin his christmas as well.

I finally couldn't take it as mark and i argued and i couldnt do anything to make it better. and thoughts were racing through my head and i had no control over them and i cnat fix anything and whatever i think is his fault, he reassures me it isnt...and i dont know...i crashed. just this total crash where i just couldnt take it and all i did was cry until i took two xanax...then i just stared off into space and fell asleep....and i slept for 16 hours. From when i picked him up from work at four until this morning at 9am...and when i get through with work today, which will be a miserable disaster in itself where i'll be pissy and sad and run off to the bathroom to cry a couple times, i plan on coming home and repeating the process. If i cant make myself stop feeling sad, then i'm going to sleep through the pain....i'm done...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

looking up?

Just one more class and i am done for the semester! I think i did incredibly well and i am so proud that i actually did this. Of course next semester is a whole different story. I'm taking 5 classes...i figured this to be a good idea because i'll get done with my degree here faster and with us living at marks parents house it will be easier to do better. I should have a car in less than a week from now and oh my god am i so fucking happy to be mobile again. Oh, and comcast called me, i had a phone interview the other day, i have to send them my resume and we're going to go from there. lots of good things are in the works and i'm trying not to jynx myself.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

so sick of being screwed over

So i'm taking this history class and this bitch has given me nothing but problems. 17 essay question exams, a bitch of a final, a quiz every class...submitting everything online and having half of my assignments never go through. Well she had been going on and on about our cumulative final she never fucking mentioned an exam on the last few chapters. So tuesday i skipped class and worked on my research paper that i had been working on alll semester (which didnt get submitted because technology blows) and we had an exam that day! no forewarning or anything. Why schedule an exam the same fucking day a paper is due? AND THEN throw another exam at us next week. Plus, to prepare for these things she makes us get in groups and discuss, we can't write anything down and she doesnt answer our questions, how does that benefit us? So basically after jumping through hoops for this bitch all semester i am basically going to fail this class, after all this work...after wanting to just drop this class sooo many times. I'm pissed and mark is going to be pissed. And i worked sooo fucking hard. and i know she wont let me make it up...

I'm just exhausted. i cannot for the life of me drag myself out of bed. Finally went to the doctor yesturday, he upped the strength of my xanax because i keep having panic attacks and put me on zoloft, which kept me up all night last night AGAIN. Living with his parents is proving to be more challenging than i imagined. I'm afraid to eat their food because they might be saving it for someone else. Or i have to be extremly quiet after 9 o'clock because his dad is in bed. his mom talks to me everytime i step downstairs. And i still dont have a car. They are saying we have to build our credit and all this, they expect me to buy some crummy used car when they promised me a quality, basically new car for a low price from their neighbor and now they are taking back their word. I wish i listened to my parents and bought a new car...i wish they had room in their house so we could have moved there. I am so fucking miserable and on top of all this i cant even work without feeling myself begin to start shaking and my mind plays unwanted thoughts and axieties and i cant concentrate and i just wishing i could burst through the doors and scream i quit. i am so stuck i am fucking sick of it.