Wednesday, July 28, 2010

caught in the middle

I went out for a few beers with my dad last night. i had a really nice time. We sat around talking about the family, issues hes having and generally bullshitting about random stuff. It's nice because we haven't really talked like adults in a long time. I felt like we really connected and he trusts me. My mom called this morning to ask what we talked about. I felt fine concealing personal things that she had told me while we are together, so i should do the same for my dad. I'm stuck in the middle, i want to be there for both of them. I am not here to pick sides. I'm just trying to understand everyones position and also be there when i know they both need me most. i know my mom is just worried. i completly understand that she cant talk to him right now but i dont wanna blab whatever he says. I dont want to be caught in the crossfire and when one finds out i said something suddenly im not trusted. i want to do what i can for this family but i dont want to get so involved that its affecting my personal life...which is...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

head in the clouds

I really wonder if im truely going anywhere. If i'll ever get out of my own way so i can start accomplishing things. I wonder whether i should even try when i know i have no real goals present. I know that time isnt up and i just have to keep trying but the way this year has been going...i'm not sure if i should even bother. i feel as though anytime i start making a little bit of progress something occurs that makes me feel as though my world is ending. I can't deal with depression right now. i cant deal with people right now. i cant seem to get that sense that everything will be ok. No matter what i do, no matter how well my day went i still have the fog all over my head. And i still dont feel happy. I know i need to be put on medication. I should start feeling better if i actually started doing more things for myself. Getting some hobbies, working out, concentrating on eating well and qutting smoking once and for all. But first i feel like i need people in my life, people who will back me up, people who are my friend because they want to be. But i'm being picky because even with old friends, the connection is gone. I dont mean to bring anyone down, i appologize if i do, but i'm just going through an incredibly tough time right now and anytime i try to let someone know that, anytime i try to reach out...i get the cold shoulder, they talk about themselves all night, my cries for help go unheaded...and i forced once again to go it alone. I just miss having a best friend. Someone i do just about anything with. Someone who is good for me and tries to break me out of my shell. because at this moment i dont know what i want. I have no idea who i even am. I dont have the slightest clue what people think of me, whether i come off as a positive person or negative. I dont know if I'm likeable. I just have no idea where my life is at right now, how to catch up to it and just find some way to just clear my fucking head....for once i just want to have a sigh of relief...

Saturday, July 24, 2010

its like everybody loves raymond only no ones laughing

All i can say right now is that i'm scared. I'm afraid my family is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about. For years i was under the impression that my parents love was the strongest i had ever seen. but lately i'm getting the impression that love is not enough. My dad and mom have been on the rocks lately, hardly spending any time together, just two seperate souls with different interests. My dad has started hanging out with the neighborhood kids, sick of spending time with people his own age because all they do is sit around and drink which he just can't do anymore. He's latched on to a 12 year old girl names ashley, who has never had a father figure in his life. He is enjoying the time because he has been lonely, we're all grown up and with my mom not giving him the time of day he had to do something. I understand why he is doing it, i understand that he can't spend his days alone anymore. I understand that for the first time in years my mom has the freedom to go out and spend time with her friends and drink and talk and for once be a free spirit. but through this they have grown detached. They talked the other night and came to the conclusion that maybe they were never truely soul mates to begin with. That they have nothing in common. That the flame has finally been snuffed. It terrifies me to no end. Becasue i always thought that love could last, that no matter what happened my parents loved each other more than anybody else and that they could pull through anything. that someday i could aquire the same thing. How is it 20 years down the line you look over at the person you married and you don't know them anymore? Family is all i have at this point. I have no close friends. I have no lasting relationships with anyone else. I trust my family and depend on them more than ever lately, and now its colapsing in front of me. At this moment i feel i am the glue thats trying to hold everything together. My brothers and my dad dont get along. My mom and dad arent getting along. I am the only one all of them can go to. And it's tiring and frustrating and i dont know if i can do enough.
mark and i have been talking about up and leaving since we got together. We dreamed of moving out to california and starting a family, i dont think i have the heart to tell him i dont think i could ever do that. I dont think i could just leave them in the dust. I know that the moment i came home, i would return to this broken thing. People who don't have anything in common except blood. People who don't even know each other. Seperate lives. I feel like i have to do something but what can i do? How much could i do? I can't change how people feel. I can't make anyone do anything. And its all around me. I find out my drunk aunt is cheating on her husband for over a year and she never told me. She doesnt pay attention to her two daughters who are the sweetest big hearted kids on the planet. my 40 year old divorced uncle cant seem to move out of his parents house, ditch his 45 year old slut fuck buddy, help my grandparents with anything or pay attention to his beautiful daughter. I watch as my grandmother loses her spirit after being verbally abused my grandpa. I watch my grandpa get verbally abused by the family for being a stick in the mud even though he only means well, its just in his nature. I stand back and see family parties that are nothing but routine where the same thing always happens and when i get in my car to leave i don't have the whole feeling i used to feel everytime i used to leave. These people mean the world to me and i try to except each and everyone of them for their flaws because they are human. They all mean well, they all have big hearts, they all care they're just confused. Misguided. Tired of doing and being what everyone else wants them to be. I'm scared because when i was a kid my family was perfect. I grew up with people who were fun, loud, talkative, and loving. Im afraid because when i finally bring my kids into the world, will that feeling be restored? Will me getting married and having children shed some light on these people and possibly make it a little easier?
I like to think that i try but maybe not hard enough. I'm at my parents house at least 4 times a week. I talk to my mom all the time. I try to give insight and help everyone with they're problems. I would love to try harder to bring us all closer but what more can i do? I'd love to think that this phase, this midlife crisis my parents are going through will turn around but both admitted to me that they were just going to go with the flow and see where that takes them. But i dont want a phone call a year from now saying that its over. Then what am i left with? what are they left with? i used to get giddy with excitement, i tell mark all the time that i am anxiously awaiting the day that he puts that ring on my finger and i'm forever his. But i am so fearful that one day i will wake up beside him and suddenly the love is gone and i begin to question if it was ever there at all.
without my family i feel i will have nothing. I feel that i will lose an entire peice of myself. I care too much about these people. I dont want to see them fall apart and live so unhappily.
but what more can i do then just sit back and watch it all collapse?

Monday, July 12, 2010

push play

We're just getting tired. His work fucks him over so bad and they have him waking up at four in the morning to go to work five days in a row. My boyfriend is not a morning person. If he knows he has to fall asleep at a certain time, he stresses and lays there all night frustrated. Its making him miserable. I'm basically not going to see him this week and because of the weather we have to sleep in the living room with the air conditioner. Which means when i get out of work tonite, i'm basically stuck going to bed because he'll be sleeping. My job isn't any better. And i know i'm stuck there because i start school soon. I'm not going to be available on tuesdays and thursdays so any hope of getting a nice secretary job or job at the hospital is basically gone. We feel stuck. We want to get out of this house that is falling apart around us. We want new jobs and we want to actually be working towards our future together. But we are just stuck here. We feel like i expend all our energies on keeping a roof above our heads and the water running and the electricity flowing but we have nothing to show for our work. We have no fun anymore. We barely even see eachother and its just starting to weigh us down. I just feel lost as to what the hell i should be doing. Everyday i wake up i just want to pack up our things and just move far far away and not tell anyone. Every day i walk into cvs i have this incredible urge to just say, "Ok, fuck this, i'm out of here" but i know i cant do any of these things. I know i dont have it in me. I wish i was spontanious like i used to be. I wish i actually had friends that i could call on when i needed them.

Right now, life as i see it is a meaningless job with no future in sight, a house that is collapsing, a boyfriend i never see, absolutly no friends and me not working towards anything...i dont know why i'm still sticking around sometimes...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

i could really use a wish right now

I need a fucking break. I just had the weekend from hell. Friday i went to my moms after work. We spend the night talking and drinking twisted teas. I was happy, i love my mom, she's my best friend. Periodically mark would call me and ask when i was coming home but i just didnt wanna leave, this was the first thing i had done in i can't tell you how long. So when i finally got home he was sleeping and he wouldnt let me touch him. I didnt sleep the entire night, i was so worried. he got up the next morning and wouldnt talk to me, accept my appology or even believe that i love him. So when he left for work i went back to my parents house. i just thought it was over, he was going to leave me. I went to work and had a miserable time and dreaded going home. Somehow, he had calmed down when i got home and i was able to smooth everything over. We went and had dinner at his moms house and we tried to go see blue oyster cult but we stood there waiting on no sleep and walked home after two songs. Today was my mothers candle party and one of my family members (a close one) admitted to me that she is cheating on her husband. what a bombshell. What a fucking misjudge in character. On top of this friday night and yesturday AND today my mom was telling me all about these problems her and my dad are having and some details that are even more worse and horrifying to hear. I'm so afraid something is going to happen. And i love my parents, and my family means everything to me. and even worse im afraid this would crush my mother and i just dont want to see her lose her spirit, she's fantastic.

I'm just losing my faith in marriage. losing my hope in the fact that couples can stay together and love each more than anyone else for the rest of their lives. What if all this happens to me when i'm like forty? What if i end up in one of the marriages where your constanly fighting and you ruin your childrens lives? i'm freaked out. I feel like everythings all messed up and i just wish things would finally start working themselves out but i'm stuck here, i'm stuck on pause at the saddest part of the movie. It drags and drags and nothing i do makes anything better. nothing i do makes anyone happy. nothing i or anyone else does seems to make me happy.