christmas loot

I had a really nice holiday. Christmas eve i spent with the family. We had drinks and everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts i got them. We played this game where you had to put a scarf and hat over your head and then put on oven mits and unwrap a present. It was hilarious watching my 7 years old cousin struggle with it for what felt like an hour. After everyone left my brothers and my parents and i had our christmas morning. Christmas day was pretty uneventful, mark and I mostly hung around the house in our pajamas and we watched star wars...i know real festive right? I just got my grades, i'm really excited. B- in spanish, B+ in history and an A in creative writing yeah, i rock.

Christmas Loot:
-A kindle from marky
-pokemon cards and a pokedex book
-gift card to the book store at asnuntuck
-marks mom and sister made me a blanket and pillow set
-hello kitty alarm clock from mom and dad
-gift cards to dunkin donuts, kohls, victorias secret, marshalls as well as plenty of cash

Happy holidays everyone!

I just don't know how much longer I can hold my head up. I dont know how much longer I can ignore it and wait to go numb because i dont think the numbing is going to happen this time. I'm just going to feel this whole thing as it winds out. I got home after picking mark up from work. All i did yesturday was smoke weed with my brother and put up christmas decorations, which turned out to be a horrible disapointment where no one was happy and we didnt even turn on the tree when we were through. I got home and saw the car i will soon be driving in the neighbors driveway and took it for a spin. very nice. but then i got home to call my mom about her taking me to get a loan this week. I have been calling her REPEATEDLY to make it official that we are going. She started yelling in my ear about how this was a bad idea and she was pissed at mark...while mark was standing right next to me. He's not coming to christmas eve now. And to further ruin my christmas, mark ordered my present on amazon with my email address and they sent the confirmation. Him being completley computer illiterate did not realize this happens. So i'm getting a kindle with a hot pink cover which is very nice and i'm very happy about it but that still ruins all the surprise and fun from the holiday. i figured it was best not to tell him and ruin his christmas as well.

I finally couldn't take it as mark and i argued and i couldnt do anything to make it better. and thoughts were racing through my head and i had no control over them and i cnat fix anything and whatever i think is his fault, he reassures me it isnt...and i dont know...i crashed. just this total crash where i just couldnt take it and all i did was cry until i took two xanax...then i just stared off into space and fell asleep....and i slept for 16 hours. From when i picked him up from work at four until this morning at 9am...and when i get through with work today, which will be a miserable disaster in itself where i'll be pissy and sad and run off to the bathroom to cry a couple times, i plan on coming home and repeating the process. If i cant make myself stop feeling sad, then i'm going to sleep through the pain....i'm done...

looking up?

Just one more class and i am done for the semester! I think i did incredibly well and i am so proud that i actually did this. Of course next semester is a whole different story. I'm taking 5 classes...i figured this to be a good idea because i'll get done with my degree here faster and with us living at marks parents house it will be easier to do better. I should have a car in less than a week from now and oh my god am i so fucking happy to be mobile again. Oh, and comcast called me, i had a phone interview the other day, i have to send them my resume and we're going to go from there. lots of good things are in the works and i'm trying not to jynx myself.

so sick of being screwed over

So i'm taking this history class and this bitch has given me nothing but problems. 17 essay question exams, a bitch of a final, a quiz every class...submitting everything online and having half of my assignments never go through. Well she had been going on and on about our cumulative final she never fucking mentioned an exam on the last few chapters. So tuesday i skipped class and worked on my research paper that i had been working on alll semester (which didnt get submitted because technology blows) and we had an exam that day! no forewarning or anything. Why schedule an exam the same fucking day a paper is due? AND THEN throw another exam at us next week. Plus, to prepare for these things she makes us get in groups and discuss, we can't write anything down and she doesnt answer our questions, how does that benefit us? So basically after jumping through hoops for this bitch all semester i am basically going to fail this class, after all this work...after wanting to just drop this class sooo many times. I'm pissed and mark is going to be pissed. And i worked sooo fucking hard. and i know she wont let me make it up...

I'm just exhausted. i cannot for the life of me drag myself out of bed. Finally went to the doctor yesturday, he upped the strength of my xanax because i keep having panic attacks and put me on zoloft, which kept me up all night last night AGAIN. Living with his parents is proving to be more challenging than i imagined. I'm afraid to eat their food because they might be saving it for someone else. Or i have to be extremly quiet after 9 o'clock because his dad is in bed. his mom talks to me everytime i step downstairs. And i still dont have a car. They are saying we have to build our credit and all this, they expect me to buy some crummy used car when they promised me a quality, basically new car for a low price from their neighbor and now they are taking back their word. I wish i listened to my parents and bought a new car...i wish they had room in their house so we could have moved there. I am so fucking miserable and on top of all this i cant even work without feeling myself begin to start shaking and my mind plays unwanted thoughts and axieties and i cant concentrate and i just wishing i could burst through the doors and scream i quit. i am so stuck i am fucking sick of it.

fuck

I feel myself slowly falling back into my lazy ways that i trained myself so hard not to do over this past year. i find myself looking at the massive amount of things i have to get done and instead of tackling them, i smoke a bowl to my face and stare at the tv for a few hours. I'm just tired of working so hard for no what feels like no reason. We're moving and it's finally hitting me that this is a step back, not forward. Although i have all the hope in the world that a year from now we'll have enough money and be buying a house my dreams of geting a bachlors in social seems unachievable once we get house. How the hell do i pay for both? When i told mark i would be taking four or five classes this semester, he got pissed because i dont have enough money in my financial aid to pay for all my classes and books, he says i am just adding to my debt. But i need to do this. School for the first time feels like it matters to me. I feel like its my only way out of the life i'm living now, and i dont want to be stranded at asnuntuck only taking 3 classes a semester and being there for four years. I am so stressed out, i have to get this house packed and everything over his parents house within like a week or two. i had to request a weekend off just so i can have my family come by and help me clean this house till it's spotless so we can get our 2 month security deposit back. I requested these days off at least a month ago, and now someone else is trying to get this time off and my manager is trying to tell me that this a problem and that i might have to work. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE!

I just have so many frustrations i'm dealing with right now. Not having a car is killing me, Today i have a ride to school but no ride home, so that gap between my two classes (2-6:30) i'm stranded at school and if they arent serving food today, i'm fucked. This is a good thing only because i will be forced to get some work done. I just feel so trapped, i fucking hate my job and i'm just getting to the point where i can't bring myself to go in there. Everything is so fucked up, everyone is selfish and a fucking asshole. My lead tech is incompetent and only works the shifts she wants to and throws shitty shifts at people like me. I have been asking for earlier shifts for at least a year now, yet we have people from other stores, or a girl who only comes in twice a week (and i dont really even know why she still works with us) and now we have some new girl that we hired for nights but there she was working a 9-3 this morning. And i'm so sick of the nine hour shifts, i dont even really have to work them as she always schedules me 8-9 hour shifts on saturdays anyway...and i'm sick of the excuses when i ask for something to change. I just prey everyday that comcast will call me. And even if that somehow doesnt pan out, i hope that after running into the pharmacist at 750 who said he wanted me to come over there finds a way around addie and nate, because this stress is killing me. no one should have to work in the type of atmosphere that we have. I am becoming a nervous wreck because of this fucking place and everyday that i come in and find that something hasnt been done AGAIN...i am almost at the point where i will punch her in the face and just walk out...

Just to let you know, i was never this angry of a person until i started working for cvs...

waiting for bud

...thank god for advising day. i have today off but fuck it sucks not having a car. I have so much i need to get done today and no means of doing it. I want to start packing shit up and cleaning but i have no boxes. I need to get laundry done because i have NOTHING to wear...i really would like to get to the school so i can start writng my research paper and get that shit done...or even go to the gym for the first time in months....argh. i forgot how frustrating it is not being mobile. I hate being trapped in this house but i'm trying to avoid facebook so i can get a few things i want done, done. So...i wrote a poem today. Hooray for me.


waiting for bud


the anxiety knaws away at my insides
forcing up acid into my throut
causing paranoia to swim freely through me
nauseating butterflies that once flew graciously
now only cause a constant sickness
we sit in silence with no music as atmosphere
the humidity sticks to me and i begin to sweat
the combination of anxiety and heat
but you won't allow me to turn on the air conditioning
you eye your phone and stare off into the space
waiting

he should be here shortly
carrying a tiny plastic bag
with what we've been waiting
sitting in an elementary school parking lot
while i swish my head back and forth
nervous and afraid a cop will soon knock on my window
i didnt want to come along for the ride
but god only knows where you would have gone
or who you would have gone with had i not been here
the anxiety might have been worse if i sat home alone
waiting

with tears in my eyes i ask you
the same questions that has been repeated
all damn blazing hot, humid, intolerable summer
"will we make it when you leave for college,"
and you always respond of course
but your kisses always taste of beer
and your fingers always have weed clinging to them
so they feel sticky if you ever feel compelled
to run them through my hair
and when you leave for school i know all that i'm left with is
waiting

We'll have sex later that night
after our eyes are glassy
and a tired feeling tugs at me softly
you do it because now this is all i am good for
i do it because this is the only way you allow me to get close
our bodies are connected but we are not together in this act
after, you'll just smoke a cigarette out the bedroom window
while I'll lay on your waterbed staring at your childish starry wallpaper
and these emotions will continue to tug at my insides tommorow
when once again i will be dragged along
to wait for bud

waaay too much to do..

This month is going to be jam packed with shit. I have so much i have to catch up on in my spanish class, i have a research paper and presentation due at the end of the month for my history class, i have to revise everything i've written for my creative writing class as well as write 4 more poems, we also have a poetry reading at the end of the month that i am not looking forward to. i signed up to write not public speaking!! We also need to get this house cleaned, like spotless and pack and help clean out marks parents house so we can move in by december first. I've gotta sign myself up for new classes as well. i did get some good news though. Marks brothers girlfriend, April, just got a job for comcast. it's working 5-9, 5 days a week and she gets paid $12.50 an hour and she really thinks she could get me a job there. and i just need to get out of cvs. i hate it there, i get paid shit, i work horrible shifts with horrible people. So i'm also going to have to put together a resume. AND...find a new car in the very near future AS WELL AS get a loan from the bank...ugh...

I really hope this job thing does work out because i really think it will make me happier in the long run. my job is the main focus of my stress...school is part of it but i actually enjoy school. i like learning and writing and feeling like i'm bettering myself. I also found out that through domestic partnership, if you live with someone for more than six months, you can go on their insurance. And marks part time insurance through costco is actually better than my full time insurance through cvs, that i'll probably lose soon anyway even if i stay.

today, is my one day off and i will be spending it cleaning and possibley packing up some shit. As well as grocery shopping and getting some of my homework done. It's another nine hour day tommorrow at cvs...at least the hope of getting out of there soon might keep me in a better mood...

starting over

So today is the first day i was able to pull myself out of bed without sleeping for 12 hours...i feel pretty good actually. For the past week and a half i have been bed ridden, feeling just completly fatigued and unable to stand for more than a few minutes without getting dizzy. I had to go to the ER on tuesday, where they tested me for everything they could think of but came back with nothing. The one thing that i'm still waiting for results on is to see if i have lyme disease, which would suck but i can live with that...it would at least be an explanation as to why when i get sick, i get fucking real sick. Yesturday, i was feeling ok, a few dizzy spells and a bit fatigued but the color finally returned to my cheeks, thank you doxycycline. Mark and i had a massive cleaning frenzy yesturday, well i did the dishes, he vacumed and straightened up and cleaned the bathroom...have to say, i've never seen him so sexy in my life.

We talked with his parents yesturday and it's official, we'll be moving in with them december first. Can't say this was our first choice but we are really bogged down with bills. We've cut food shopping from our budget for a few months now and its really getting to us. Plus, we want to buy a house and get our lives off the ground as soon as possible and this is the only way we'll save any of our money. Also, i have to take out a loan and buy a new car this month as mine has officially shit the bed and i have maxed out my credit card. I know this arrangment will start actually getting to me around january 1st. I love his mom, i really do...and i mean this in the nicest way but she is the definition of the mother. She offers you just about everything she has the second you step in the door. "Cup of tea? Let me warm up some food for you? Are you cold, heres a blanket? You need an aspirin? Oh you can't take that without food, heres apple sauce and hot chocolate." and believe me, i love being treated like a princess as much as the next girl but a lot of days after i get out of work or school, i just want to go to my room, kick up my feet and lay down and not talk to anyone for at least 45 minutes. It's really going to suck having no privacy to speak of and sex will be nearly impossible as mark has the squeekest bed known to man kind, which means doing it on the floor...which also means rug burn. ugh...

Today i go back to school and after a week of being so sick and even unable to open up a school book, needless to say i am really behind. Especally in my spanish class. I have a quiz next week and i dont even know what its on yet. Tommorrow i'll be returning to work and i am dreading it. I called out for a week, so they are going to be real pissed at me when i finally come back. I just cant wait to get the cold shoulder from everyone and that talking to from Nate, that he has been treatening me with all week. I understand the frustration, that they have most likely been really short handed all week, but i was jsut too sick to come in. I know this isn't the first time i've called out but i really can't help it. This year has been HELL and i'm really starting to think my reputation is never going to change there. I'm also begining to realize that with the job i have and hours i work it's making me a miserable mess. I need to start looking for something else because this job is reallly killing me in every sense of the word. I am completly unhappy there... and thats really the main thing in my life i wanna fix within this upcoming year.

wishfull thinking

Weekend from hell and somehow i made it through alive and almost feeling slightly better because of it. Not quite sure at this point if i have officially hit rock bottom or if i just gained a bit more optimism. Mark ditched me twice the weekend, something that if i did, i would be screamed at ridiculously. i wandered around tville with a bottle of wine and a dead phone until mary showed up and stayed up to talk with me, something i greatly appreciated because any person i have asked to come talk to me, talks about themselves and never really listens to what i have to say. Unfortunatly, the booze had such a hold on me that night i dont remember what i had talked about with anyone i encountered that night. Saturday was a hungover mess, where i could not get a hold of my boyfriend and anxiety ate away at me, preventing me from doing anything. i am very unsure at this point what my life really means to me. What i'm saying is, i feel myself giving up hope in a lot of things. While i anxiously waited for my sloppy drunk boyfriend to respond to me i watched a documentary on North Korea, something i should not have done. The documentary was about doctors that came into the country to correct a simple problem that plaugued its people, causing much of the population to be blind. Completley cut off from the world, this country is completly and utterly brainwashed, it is by far the scariest thing i have ever witnessed.

At the very end, they remove the bandages and the people can see after years of blindness. Walking past the doctors and not even thanking them, they drop to their knees and praise the great kim jong ill for giving them their sight back and proclaim their all out devotion to him, the entire room is in an uproar of praise. There is no longer a distinction between all out devotion and fear....already being incredibley emotional from everything else going on in my life, i lose it and cry hysterically. I felt as if i had lost all hope in mankind, god and just about everything else. I have already always had my uncertaintly about all these things, being in an american history class i find it incredibley difficult to have national pride. After watching monstrosities like genocides and full on brainwashing and destruction to earth, senseless wars, genocide of natives to establish the lands and countries we recognize today, humans bring no positives to this world. i feel as if we are a virus. And i feel like theres no way for me to put this into words and no one or no god i could talk to to make me feel better in any of this. Religion in my life only provoked fear. Science is the only thing that seems to make any sense to me because so many small, little insignificant things over billions of years, with so many details in play had to happen to create life. (i have been watching the universe waaaay too much)

There is a futurama episode that i love as an example. Bender gets stuck flying aimlessly through space for all eternity and meets god, who is a star system deep in the galaxy.Bender asks "god" to send him back to earth...god responds with, "earth, which direction is that?" its as if even if there was a god, the universe is so expansive and infinite, how could a god even answer our prayers? I know the answer to my happiness and success is in my own hands, i've known this for years but never make the effort to fix any of that. I know a god cant fix my problems or ease my pain. I know that alcohol is not answer because i lose my memory and do things i always regret, causing me to spiral downward. I know the human race will end some day because we will destroy ourselves. I guess what i need to do is stop reading so deeply into the big picture and overanalyze everything (from the meaning of life to what someone said to me and why) and live my life the best i can. And i guess at the moment, thats just what the meaning of life is to me.

and now what?

I need to get my shit straightened out very quickly. i feel so unsure in what to do with my life right now. I'm in school, but i'm not pursuing anything. I don't even know what i should even begin to pursue. and so what if i ever figure that out because anything i really do want to do requires at least 4 years of schooling and how do i manage that? I'm not a very smart person, i barely know how to write something in MLA and i'm terrible with research. I'm surprised i can make it through a school as easy as asnuntuck, but i can't actually go to a REAL school. I wouldn't be able to handle it. And even if was actually somehow able to do that, how the fuck would i pay for it? My 230 dollar paychecks that i come home with every week? I need a new job, i can't stand what i do. Everyday i have to work i wake up with a sense of dread and in the nine hours that i'm there, i'm gritting my teeth just wishing that today would be different but it never is. I wish i could actually keep myself from working my ass off and have lazy days where i get to stand around and eat kit kats and give everyone the illusion that i'm doing something when clearly i'm not. I need a new car because mine shit the bed. I'm sick of bumming rides off family members and getting an attitude from mark because he has to drive to windsor locks to pick me up. When he yells at me that i need a new car but we both no i have absolutly no means of actually making that a reality until we move out of this shit hole that is falling apart around us. I'm really not excited about moving in with his parents, if that is at all a posibility. I"m tired of wishing for my future to come where i can have a family and a house and a steady paycheck coming from a job i actually like...but right now i'm so unsure what fucking path to take.

What type of car should i get? How do i go about finding a new job? How do i get friends to stick around? Where am i going to be living in a couple of months? How the fuck do you save money? What should i be aspiring to be when i grow up? I have so many questions and he's just dragging his feet beside me while i'm stuck playing the nagging girlfriend. I just want him to for once step up and help me actually figure this shit out so im not stuck worrying...constantly...

ups and downs

I hate camping. I hate being stuck out in the wilderness where i know bears, poisonous snakes and other such creatures are within a few mile radious. i dont like standing next to a beaver dam in the evening and being told that a ton of snakes were there that morning lying in sun. I dont like total darkness. i dont like have to pee with the door open and not being able to flush. i dont like his mothers side of the family because they are fucking NUTS and self centered. I dont like that this whole trip has made me so much more stressed out and today is my first day back to work. I could vent some more because i had to deal with so much bullshit this last week i want to scream, but fuck it. His grandparents did send me home with a 4 month old kitten that i named toots and he's the cutest thing in the whole world. i love him soo much already. and thankfully this cat solidifys the fact that we have to get out of this bee infested hell hole a.s.a.p.

i wemt with my mom to the vfw on saturday for some party. i got waaay too drunk like i usually do. i dont remember most of the night but im sure i was an asshole, like i usually am. somehow thought it would be a brilliant idea to open the karoke night after 10 drinks(it gets better) and sing bohemian rhapsody. christ, i dont remember anything but the end, all those people i was talking to all night (that were most likely annoyed by that drunk girl stumbling around,moi) stared at me, laughing, as i sang, not sure though i was pretty drunk. i got so humiliated i found my mom and got in the car and cried the whole way home. and cried to mark too. and im not quite sure why im typing this all out. ive never actually admited i have a problem when it comes to drinking, ive always just been told i did, but its starting to become clearer to me. I mean, lately everytime i do drink, im ridiculously out of control. i know i act like an ass. i'm embarrassed every morning i wake up after drinking. I know i'm using it as a crutch because i have no friends at the point. I can't connect with anyone my age because they all just piss me off. I have no outside talents or outlets to throw myself into. I feel so off...and i cant really explain why but i'm also being crippled by this..i dont know...fear to do anything about it. tommorrow is always the better day to start my life. i cant get myself off the couch...i wake up feeling like i want to start crying. At this point, the only people i feel like i can rely on are my family. I dont know what made me start pushing everyone away...but somehow i feel like its always been the drinking...

caught in the middle

I went out for a few beers with my dad last night. i had a really nice time. We sat around talking about the family, issues hes having and generally bullshitting about random stuff. It's nice because we haven't really talked like adults in a long time. I felt like we really connected and he trusts me. My mom called this morning to ask what we talked about. I felt fine concealing personal things that she had told me while we are together, so i should do the same for my dad. I'm stuck in the middle, i want to be there for both of them. I am not here to pick sides. I'm just trying to understand everyones position and also be there when i know they both need me most. i know my mom is just worried. i completly understand that she cant talk to him right now but i dont wanna blab whatever he says. I dont want to be caught in the crossfire and when one finds out i said something suddenly im not trusted. i want to do what i can for this family but i dont want to get so involved that its affecting my personal life...which unfortunitly...it is...

head in the clouds

I really wonder if im truely going anywhere. If i'll ever get out of my own way so i can start accomplishing things. I wonder whether i should even try when i know i have no real goals present. I know that time isnt up and i just have to keep trying but the way this year has been going...i'm not sure if i should even bother. i feel as though anytime i start making a little bit of progress something occurs that makes me feel as though my world is ending. I can't deal with depression right now. i cant deal with people right now. i cant seem to get that sense that everything will be ok. No matter what i do, no matter how well my day went i still have the fog all over my head. And i still dont feel happy. I know i need to be put on medication. I should start feeling better if i actually started doing more things for myself. Getting some hobbies, working out, concentrating on eating well and qutting smoking once and for all. But first i feel like i need people in my life, people who will back me up, people who are my friend because they want to be. But i'm being picky because even with old friends, the connection is gone. I dont mean to bring anyone down, i appologize if i do, but i'm just going through an incredibly tough time right now and anytime i try to let someone know that, anytime i try to reach out...i get the cold shoulder, they talk about themselves all night, my cries for help go unheaded...and i forced once again to go it alone. I just miss having a best friend. Someone i do just about anything with. Someone who is good for me and tries to break me out of my shell. because at this moment i dont know what i want. I have no idea who i even am. I dont have the slightest clue what people think of me, whether i come off as a positive person or negative. I dont know if I'm likeable. I just have no idea where my life is at right now, how to catch up to it and just find some way to just clear my fucking head....for once i just want to have a sigh of relief...

its like everybody loves raymond only no ones laughing

All i can say right now is that i'm scared. I'm afraid my family is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about. For years i was under the impression that my parents love was the strongest i had ever seen. but lately i'm getting the impression that love is not enough. My dad and mom have been on the rocks lately, hardly spending any time together, just two seperate souls with different interests. My dad has started hanging out with the neighborhood kids, sick of spending time with people his own age because all they do is sit around and drink which he just can't do anymore. He's latched on to a 12 year old girl names ashley, who has never had a father figure in his life. He is enjoying the time because he has been lonely, we're all grown up and with my mom not giving him the time of day he had to do something. I understand why he is doing it, i understand that he can't spend his days alone anymore. I understand that for the first time in years my mom has the freedom to go out and spend time with her friends and drink and talk and for once be a free spirit. but through this they have grown detached. They talked the other night and came to the conclusion that maybe they were never truely soul mates to begin with. That they have nothing in common. That the flame has finally been snuffed. It terrifies me to no end. Becasue i always thought that love could last, that no matter what happened my parents loved each other more than anybody else and that they could pull through anything. that someday i could aquire the same thing. How is it 20 years down the line you look over at the person you married and you don't know them anymore? Family is all i have at this point. I have no close friends. I have no lasting relationships with anyone else. I trust my family and depend on them more than ever lately, and now its colapsing in front of me. At this moment i feel i am the glue thats trying to hold everything together. My brothers and my dad dont get along. My mom and dad arent getting along. I am the only one all of them can go to. And it's tiring and frustrating and i dont know if i can do enough.
mark and i have been talking about up and leaving since we got together. We dreamed of moving out to california and starting a family, i dont think i have the heart to tell him i dont think i could ever do that. I dont think i could just leave them in the dust. I know that the moment i came home, i would return to this broken thing. People who don't have anything in common except blood. People who don't even know each other. Seperate lives. I feel like i have to do something but what can i do? How much could i do? I can't change how people feel. I can't make anyone do anything. And its all around me. I find out my drunk aunt is cheating on her husband for over a year and she never told me. She doesnt pay attention to her two daughters who are the sweetest big hearted kids on the planet. my 40 year old divorced uncle cant seem to move out of his parents house, ditch his 45 year old slut fuck buddy, help my grandparents with anything or pay attention to his beautiful daughter. I watch as my grandmother loses her spirit after being verbally abused my grandpa. I watch my grandpa get verbally abused by the family for being a stick in the mud even though he only means well, its just in his nature. I stand back and see family parties that are nothing but routine where the same thing always happens and when i get in my car to leave i don't have the whole feeling i used to feel everytime i used to leave. These people mean the world to me and i try to except each and everyone of them for their flaws because they are human. They all mean well, they all have big hearts, they all care they're just confused. Misguided. Tired of doing and being what everyone else wants them to be. I'm scared because when i was a kid my family was perfect. I grew up with people who were fun, loud, talkative, and loving. Im afraid because when i finally bring my kids into the world, will that feeling be restored? Will me getting married and having children shed some light on these people and possibly make it a little easier?
I like to think that i try but maybe not hard enough. I'm at my parents house at least 4 times a week. I talk to my mom all the time. I try to give insight and help everyone with they're problems. I would love to try harder to bring us all closer but what more can i do? I'd love to think that this phase, this midlife crisis my parents are going through will turn around but both admitted to me that they were just going to go with the flow and see where that takes them. But i dont want a phone call a year from now saying that its over. Then what am i left with? what are they left with? i used to get giddy with excitement, i tell mark all the time that i am anxiously awaiting the day that he puts that ring on my finger and i'm forever his. But i am so fearful that one day i will wake up beside him and suddenly the love is gone and i begin to question if it was ever there at all.
without my family i feel i will have nothing. I feel that i will lose an entire peice of myself. I care too much about these people. I dont want to see them fall apart and live so unhappily.
but what more can i do then just sit back and watch it all collapse?

push play

We're just getting tired. His work fucks him over so bad and they have him waking up at four in the morning to go to work five days in a row. My boyfriend is not a morning person. If he knows he has to fall asleep at a certain time, he stresses and lays there all night frustrated. Its making him miserable. I'm basically not going to see him this week and because of the weather we have to sleep in the living room with the air conditioner. Which means when i get out of work tonite, i'm basically stuck going to bed because he'll be sleeping. My job isn't any better. And i know i'm stuck there because i start school soon. I'm not going to be available on tuesdays and thursdays so any hope of getting a nice secretary job or job at the hospital is basically gone. We feel stuck. We want to get out of this house that is falling apart around us. We want new jobs and we want to actually be working towards our future together. But we are just stuck here. We feel like i expend all our energies on keeping a roof above our heads and the water running and the electricity flowing but we have nothing to show for our work. We have no fun anymore. We barely even see eachother and its just starting to weigh us down. I just feel lost as to what the hell i should be doing. Everyday i wake up i just want to pack up our things and just move far far away and not tell anyone. Every day i walk into cvs i have this incredible urge to just say, "Ok, fuck this, i'm out of here" but i know i cant do any of these things. I know i dont have it in me. I wish i was spontanious like i used to be. I wish i actually had friends that i could call on when i needed them.

Right now, life as i see it is a meaningless job with no future in sight, a house that is collapsing, a boyfriend i never see, absolutly no friends and me not working towards anything...i dont know why i'm still sticking around sometimes...

i could really use a wish right now

I need a fucking break. I just had the weekend from hell. Friday i went to my moms after work. We spend the night talking and drinking twisted teas. I was happy, i love my mom, she's my best friend. Periodically mark would call me and ask when i was coming home but i just didnt wanna leave, this was the first thing i had done in i can't tell you how long. So when i finally got home he was sleeping and he wouldnt let me touch him. I didnt sleep the entire night, i was so worried. he got up the next morning and wouldnt talk to me, accept my appology or even believe that i love him. So when he left for work i went back to my parents house. i just thought it was over, he was going to leave me. I went to work and had a miserable time and dreaded going home. Somehow, he had calmed down when i got home and i was able to smooth everything over. We went and had dinner at his moms house and we tried to go see blue oyster cult but we stood there waiting on no sleep and walked home after two songs. Today was my mothers candle party and one of my family members (a close one) admitted to me that she is cheating on her husband. what a bombshell. What a fucking misjudge in character. On top of this friday night and yesturday AND today my mom was telling me all about these problems her and my dad are having and some details that are even more worse and horrifying to hear. I'm so afraid something is going to happen. And i love my parents, and my family means everything to me. and even worse im afraid this would crush my mother and i just dont want to see her lose her spirit, she's fantastic.

I'm just losing my faith in marriage. losing my hope in the fact that couples can stay together and love each more than anyone else for the rest of their lives. What if all this happens to me when i'm like forty? What if i end up in one of the marriages where your constanly fighting and you ruin your childrens lives? i'm freaked out. I feel like everythings all messed up and i just wish things would finally start working themselves out but i'm stuck here, i'm stuck on pause at the saddest part of the movie. It drags and drags and nothing i do makes anything better. nothing i do makes anyone happy. nothing i or anyone else does seems to make me happy.

fuck my life

I am so fed up with my job its not even funny. My permanent schedule is not mon, tues, wed, friday (2-9) and i work on saturday. And to make matters worse, they put the schedule out three weeks in advance. Its July! people are going to need to ask for days off and now i cant. I cant do anything. I can't have a random beach day, or pick up and go out for a weekend because i work every weekend! i dont want to work weekends anymore, its not fair! I would be fine if i could at least get two days off together so if i want to go somewhere and actually enjoy my summer, i could. I mean seriously, Thursday and sunday? What the fuck? Those are the two worst days to have off. And on top of it, i find out that this girl who doesnt even deserve it and probably never even asked for days shift has gotten some! I have been asking for at least one day shift a week for months. I am one of the only people with open availability and work all these shit shifts all the fucking time! I'm so done with it. on top of that my manager has been such an ass to me lately. The job has been so stressful and with shit falling apart in my own personal life, i just don't have the patience to fake a smile and continue doing what i'm doing.

I'm so sick of not knowing what the hell i'm going to do with my life. After i found out Pokey was sick i gave up on everything. That three weeks i didnt smoke, gone, i'm back to a pack a day. Going to the gym 5 times a week, nope. Eating healthy? Oh god i have probably gained like 10 pounds in just this week. I'm falling apart. i'm not happy. i dont do anything with my life and i've been feeling just all around terrible. I never get to go out and have a good time. Nothing ever happens to me. When do i get to go out on little vacations like everyone else gets to take? wheres my beach day? When do i get to go hiking or actually feel like i have friends that i can spend time with? And maybe i'm just complaining...maybe i'm just frustrated but something in my life needs to change VERY soon or i'm going to lose it completly....

pokey

I should have known after the dream i last posted that something bad was going to happen. Later that night i got a phone call from my brother saying pokey had not eaten or drank anything in three days. I immediatly got in the car and sped over there. i held her and could just tell something was wrong. The next day i got up early and drove over again. I held her and realized she was in pain. I made an appointment to have her put down at 11:30. At 10:30 she ate two cucumbers. So we went to have her checked out. the doctor gave me false hope and i remember calling mark and saying everything would be fine. After work i went to pick her up and bring her home. I took her to another doctor on saturday. They basically justified my fears. I spent the weekend with her. Trying any type of food, baby food, her favorite carrots, more cukes, freeze dried apples, basically anything i was eating but nothing. I left out a dish of water that went untouched. I tried everything. I knew she was close and kept telling her everything i wanted to say before she went. We said goodbye serveral times. Monday i called out and was going to take her in to put her down. at this point i was the only one she let pet her. I carried her around in a little box everywhere i went. They would not let me in the room when they did it, so i opted against it. We spent all of monday snuggling and it was a beautiful day. She was very sweet. I put her to bed that night thinking this would be it...i kept it short and sweet. Woke up the next morning (tuesday) and she was still there. I questioned what she was waiting for. Couldnt find coverage so i had to go in for 2. I was in hysterics as i tried to leave the house, truely believing this would be the last time i'd see her. Worked, trying to hard not to burst into tears and yell, "I quit" and bolt out the door and race home to her. Called mark and he said she perked up as soon as he picked up the phone. KB came in to cover for me because shes a sweetheart and i bolted home. She snuggled up on my chest and burrowed her head into my neck, everytime i moved even slightly she burrowed closer to me. I told mark to put on G-force and she lay beside me, getting weaker and weaker. I didn't really cry as i sat there trying to comfort her. I just talked her through the movie and acted as if it was any normal day. Mark kept hitting pause when she started to look worse but i kept saying, "Lets just finish the movie." When it ended she started to have trouble breathing, we didnt really speak as she lay close beside me and finally let one last breath out...and she was gone. I smiled as i said, "Wow, she really had to see the end of G-force before she could go."
We buried her last night. I decorated her shoe box and put a picture of the two of us together. I took a pallet and made a tombstone where i wrote her name, dates and "Beloved pig to all". I'm trying to keep moving but my life has been at a standstill since this all happened. I love her so much. i have my memorys...she will always mean so much to me. And as much as my heart is breaking right now, i know shes in a better place and she's happy. I know i'll never have another animal that can look me in the eye and all i can see is love.

in between dreams

I had a really messed up dream last night. I was driving around with mark and we ended up at my grandparents old house (now my uncles bachelor pad). I was looking for something when suddenly i walked past the living room and my grandpa was sitting in his chair (he died a few years ago) and smiling and watching televison. He noticed me, got up and ran over to hug me and i actually could hug him. Until suddenly mark yells out, "What are you doing?" I tried to intoduce them but they could not see each other. So i started freaking out and ran into the backyard. I started screaming that i was seeing things and anyone i could think of that had died sprang to life. I saw my bachie on the patio smoking a cigarette and my dog started running around at my ankles as mark tried to tell me that i was crazy. I even saw our fish, Obetta Wan Kenobi, that died not even a week ago. Before we left i saw my uncle sitting in a truck on the lawn, completlely freeze framed. I don't know why he didnt come to life.

I know it was just a dream but i feel really freaked out right now. I feel really upset as well because now i'm going to spend the rest of the day missing these people.