Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I feel myself slowly falling back into my lazy ways that i trained myself so hard not to do over this past year. i find myself looking at the massive amount of things i have to get done and instead of tackling them, i smoke a bowl to my face and stare at the tv for a few hours. I'm just tired of working so hard for no what feels like no reason. We're moving and it's finally hitting me that this is a step back, not forward. Although i have all the hope in the world that a year from now we'll have enough money and be buying a house my dreams of geting a bachlors in social seems unachievable once we get house. How the hell do i pay for both? When i told mark i would be taking four or five classes this semester, he got pissed because i dont have enough money in my financial aid to pay for all my classes and books, he says i am just adding to my debt. But i need to do this. School for the first time feels like it matters to me. I feel like its my only way out of the life i'm living now, and i dont want to be stranded at asnuntuck only taking 3 classes a semester and being there for four years. I am so stressed out, i have to get this house packed and everything over his parents house within like a week or two. i had to request a weekend off just so i can have my family come by and help me clean this house till it's spotless so we can get our 2 month security deposit back. I requested these days off at least a month ago, and now someone else is trying to get this time off and my manager is trying to tell me that this a problem and that i might have to work. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE!

I just have so many frustrations i'm dealing with right now. Not having a car is killing me, Today i have a ride to school but no ride home, so that gap between my two classes (2-6:30) i'm stranded at school and if they arent serving food today, i'm fucked. This is a good thing only because i will be forced to get some work done. I just feel so trapped, i fucking hate my job and i'm just getting to the point where i can't bring myself to go in there. Everything is so fucked up, everyone is selfish and a fucking asshole. My lead tech is incompetent and only works the shifts she wants to and throws shitty shifts at people like me. I have been asking for earlier shifts for at least a year now, yet we have people from other stores, or a girl who only comes in twice a week (and i dont really even know why she still works with us) and now we have some new girl that we hired for nights but there she was working a 9-3 this morning. And i'm so sick of the nine hour shifts, i dont even really have to work them as she always schedules me 8-9 hour shifts on saturdays anyway...and i'm sick of the excuses when i ask for something to change. I just prey everyday that comcast will call me. And even if that somehow doesnt pan out, i hope that after running into the pharmacist at 750 who said he wanted me to come over there finds a way around addie and nate, because this stress is killing me. no one should have to work in the type of atmosphere that we have. I am becoming a nervous wreck because of this fucking place and everyday that i come in and find that something hasnt been done AGAIN...i am almost at the point where i will punch her in the face and just walk out...

Just to let you know, i was never this angry of a person until i started working for cvs...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

waiting for bud

...thank god for advising day. i have today off but fuck it sucks not having a car. I have so much i need to get done today and no means of doing it. I want to start packing shit up and cleaning but i have no boxes. I need to get laundry done because i have NOTHING to wear...i really would like to get to the school so i can start writng my research paper and get that shit done...or even go to the gym for the first time in months....argh. i forgot how frustrating it is not being mobile. I hate being trapped in this house but i'm trying to avoid facebook so i can get a few things i want done, done. So...i wrote a poem today. Hooray for me.

waiting for bud

the anxiety knaws away at my insides
forcing up acid into my throut
causing paranoia to swim freely through me
nauseating butterflies that once flew graciously
now only cause a constant sickness
we sit in silence with no music as atmosphere
the humidity sticks to me and i begin to sweat
the combination of anxiety and heat
but you won't allow me to turn on the air conditioning
you eye your phone and stare off into the space

he should be here shortly
carrying a tiny plastic bag
with what we've been waiting
sitting in an elementary school parking lot
while i swish my head back and forth
nervous and afraid a cop will soon knock on my window
i didnt want to come along for the ride
but god only knows where you would have gone
or who you would have gone with had i not been here
the anxiety might have been worse if i sat home alone

with tears in my eyes i ask you
the same questions that has been repeated
all damn blazing hot, humid, intolerable summer
"will we make it when you leave for college,"
and you always respond of course
but your kisses always taste of beer
and your fingers always have weed clinging to them
so they feel sticky if you ever feel compelled
to run them through my hair
and when you leave for school i know all that i'm left with is

We'll have sex later that night
after our eyes are glassy
and a tired feeling tugs at me softly
you do it because now this is all i am good for
i do it because this is the only way you allow me to get close
our bodies are connected but we are not together in this act
after, you'll just smoke a cigarette out the bedroom window
while I'll lay on your waterbed staring at your childish starry wallpaper
and these emotions will continue to tug at my insides tommorow
when once again i will be dragged along
to wait for bud

Sunday, November 7, 2010

waaay too much to do..

This month is going to be jam packed with shit. I have so much i have to catch up on in my spanish class, i have a research paper and presentation due at the end of the month for my history class, i have to revise everything i've written for my creative writing class as well as write 4 more poems, we also have a poetry reading at the end of the month that i am not looking forward to. i signed up to write not public speaking!! We also need to get this house cleaned, like spotless and pack and help clean out marks parents house so we can move in by december first. I've gotta sign myself up for new classes as well. i did get some good news though. Marks brothers girlfriend, April, just got a job for comcast. it's working 5-9, 5 days a week and she gets paid $12.50 an hour and she really thinks she could get me a job there. and i just need to get out of cvs. i hate it there, i get paid shit, i work horrible shifts with horrible people. So i'm also going to have to put together a resume. AND...find a new car in the very near future AS WELL AS get a loan from the bank...ugh...

I really hope this job thing does work out because i really think it will make me happier in the long run. my job is the main focus of my stress...school is part of it but i actually enjoy school. i like learning and writing and feeling like i'm bettering myself. I also found out that through domestic partnership, if you live with someone for more than six months, you can go on their insurance. And marks part time insurance through costco is actually better than my full time insurance through cvs, that i'll probably lose soon anyway even if i stay.

today, is my one day off and i will be spending it cleaning and possibley packing up some shit. As well as grocery shopping and getting some of my homework done. It's another nine hour day tommorrow at cvs...at least the hope of getting out of there soon might keep me in a better mood...