Thursday, November 10, 2011

what happened to stina?

I don't know when this all started. I suffered from depression for a long time but i always got over it, got myself out of it somehow. I experienced at least some bit of joy in my life. I used to live my life with this motto, "live fast and experience everything. hold your loved ones close and never forget the things you've been through or the journeys that got you there"(something to that effect) and now i can't even relate to it. I did things with my time, i had friends, i went on adventures, i left nothing but footprints and took nothing but photographs. I was silly, a drunk but a fun drunk. And now when i drink i turn into this monster i don't even recognize. This monster who sucks the fun out of every shindig, who cries or throws up everytime. I miss my life. I miss living. I miss myself.

I used to have this great personality. I used to be the person who had a story for just about everything that happened to me. I did things! I once had a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend. I once went to rave and took ectasy and break danced with some random black guy. i once almost got hit by a train and laughed about it. i once got in school suspension and wrote an erotic novel while i was there. i once made out with 18 girls in one night because i turned 18. i was in an all chick punk band called toxic shock syndrome and played a show at the webster theatre. I met my boyfriend at the end of a driveway at a party my ex-boyfriend dragged me to. And when my ex told me he wanted to fuck around, i showed him up by making the move on the future love of my life, in front of him. I was brave. I didn't give a fuck what people thought or how stupid i was because i was living my fucking life. Now i worry every word i say. Now no one listens to me. Now i have no motivation. now i don't have any friends. My friends were once my life. We had this crew, we were called the Krispy Krew. We played kickball and met up at the krispy kove every weekend. We ran shit, threw parties, invited whoever, popular, loser, jock, slut...and i was accepting. for the love of god, i could accept anyone for any of their flaws and in fact, love them for it. I got along with everyone. I had people in my life i thought i would never lose. Like colin, bass and kevin. The four of us were like family. I was like a second mother to those kids. I chauferred them around, i paid for their shit, i fed them. i held their hair back when they threw up(and yes i had to because all these kids had shoulder length hair). or my toxic shock syndrome girls, ginny, missa and mindy. Me and mindy have been friends since we were three years old. but now, everyones too busy with their lives and i understand that and i've come to accept it. But what i can't accept is the fact that I haven't moved on with my life. I thought i did, i used to get along with marks friends, they started to feel like mine, but he made it a point to not let them become my friends. They weren't real because the second we break up, those people are gone too...

Let's face it, over the past couple years, i've lost my mind. I've become weak and scared. Too afraid to go out into the world, i creep around every corner, i walk on egg shells. When i drink, i can't squash myself down because i'm fighting to break free. But when i finally break free i'm embarassed for a week after and feel horrible for letting myself out...

All i do with my life now is hang out over at my moms house because thats where i feel comfortable. And work my ass off because i have to. And sit in front of the tv with my boyfriend because thats all he does with me. Scroll facebook but never say anything. And i look forward to coming home so i can light candles and sit here alone...

there has to be more to life than this...there has to be some way of reclaiming bits and peices of that person i once was or becoming the person i want to be.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I have little faith in healthcare officials. i lost it at my psychatists office this morning. I called yesturday and conviently she wasn't in the office, as fucking always. I was having panic attacks all night sunday and all day monday. I needed something and the only thing i had to take is a fuckign antihistamine that is supposed to help with nervousness. It's garbage and does nothing. So i got no help from her. i called my doctors office and he was no help either, because he wouldn't fill anything for me either. So i went into my appoinment with my psychiatrist this morning, still feeling the same. And she starts in on the fact that i'm not in therapy and she starts yelling at me about it. I don't need this shit. Then she refuses to fill something for me. I told her i understood that i'm supposed to be in therapy but i can't fucking afford it. I spend 100 dollars a month alone on prescriptions and it costs me forty bucks just to see my psychiatist for 15 minutes a month. I don't have the fucking money for this shit. So she refuses to fill anything for me to calm down on the grounds that i'm not in therapy. Well i'm having a fucking breakdown, i'm losing it. My stomach is in knots and i can't eat or sleep, what does she expect me to do? Fucking call my therapist and go in right then and there? Long story short, i stormed out of there. She left me with the only option which was to go to the hospital, which i didnt do and why 48 hours later i'm still sitting here anxious as fuck.

i will never see this woman again, i dont care how long it takes me to find a new psychatist, she has been nothing but trouble for me since i first started seeing her. People with mental health conditions need to be able to get a hold of theres psychs. They should be able to get something to fucking calm down when they need. They shouldn't be sent to the fucking hospital every fucking time they have an anxiety attack. She should be the least bit capable of talking to me so i can calm down, and she proved today when all she said was, "The tissues are over there," she can't do that. fucking bitch.