I started re-reading the happiness project because I really need to start my own. it got me thinking, it is almost impossible to undertake all the tasks that I want to do in big steps. Losing 40 pounds, planning an entire wedding, quitting smoking, finding a new job...doing all that is pretty damn difficult when there are so many other issues in my life that need to be addressed. I have a lot to be happy for and a lot that i'm not appreciating today. so I made a list, a list of tiny ways to improve my situation that if done consistently can get me a little closer to my goals without overwhelming me and forcing me to quit but make me happier in the long run.

• Say no to five things everyday (a candy bar on my lunch break, that second cigarette on the drive home, watching one more episode of It's always sunny in Philadelphia before doing something important. Granted I have to remind myself that it is saying no to something bad, not saying not to the gym or eating my vegtables)
• find a way to let it go (I let things my boss said to me, fights with my fiancé, stay with me for weeks on end and nibble away at me and fill me with unhappy, unhealthy emotions, no more, I need to forgive and forget)
• do one physical activity for at least 20 mins daily (play dance dance revolution, lift weights while I watch tv, fuck, run around the house, anything. Eventually, I can boost the 20 mins to something longer and more beneficial for weight loss)
• Walk it off (walking can boost energy levels and relieve stress. Also, i'm sure the puppy coming home next month would enjoy it.)
• I don't need to talk shit or take sides (this one is mostly for work. there is so much bad energy in that place, we all talk shit about everyone, even people I consider friends. I need to just shut my mouth, do my job, and stop poisoning myself with this gossip)
• At least 2 meals daily have to be healthy decisions (no dunkin donuts breakfast sandwich and stouffers mac and cheese for me)
• take minimum 2 classes at the gym weekly (I was doing this and mark asked me yesterday if I had lost weight, I jumped on the scale, in two weeks I lost six pounds.)
• eat first thing in the morning (this one is hard. I'm hypoglycemic, if I don't eat, my blood sugar drops and I get cranky and sick for the rest of the day. the issue? my stomach issues make it so I am not hungry for at least two hours after I wake up, my gag reflux does not allow that food to go down my throat. Just gotta force it down)
• meditate 15 minutes a day
• watch less tv
• feeling frustrated? do something creative (write, paint ceramics, glue some pictures out of a magazine into a collage, anything)
• write even if I have nothing to say (I read this in the artists way, you had to do morning pages, 3 hand written pages even if you had nothing to say to get the creative juices flowing. it was really helpful, until I stopped doing it..)
• if I feel like pigging out or being lazy...avoid the first level of my house (just seeing that comfy couch and bowl of Christmas candy trigger my lazy senses)
• bring a camera...use camera (I used to take pictures all the time, and because of that I have tons of pictures from good times with my friends. Now, Mark and I have barely any pictures together)
• listen, don't wait for my turn to speak (this may be why I don't have a lot of friends and I hate conversation)
• If I feel overwhelmed...shut off the phone (again, pertaining to work)
• avoid facebook (it's a time sucker! a waste of time! and it makes you feel bad "Oh why can't I have as many friends as that person." or "they look like they are having an awesome time without me" shut it down.
• be more open to meeting new people (I went to a few classes at my gym and I noticed after I left that I left myself completely unopen to conversation, I sat in the back of the room, scowl on my face and arms crossed, before classes started. I wouldn't talk to me either!)
• if I have any doubts...don't drink (if im in a bad mood, haven't eaten enough that day, don't want to drunk call or text my friends...best to avoid the sauce)
• keep a positive blog (im such a drag on this thing...I only open it up to vent, that's what my nice leather bound journal is for)
• keep a food journal (keeping track of what I eat, can hopefully provide better eating decisions)
• write it out, fold it up, forget about it (my boss pissed me off, my fiancé is a slob, I did something stupid, write every single thing that happened, how it made me feel, open up a bottle of wine and burn it in my firepit and forget about it, move on bitch)
• remember, any positive step is a good step (I often forget the good things that happen to me or good things I have achieved, I let the bad decisions cloud the good so often)
• clean before bed (i'll feel better getting ready for work if the house is clean and I wont feel so overwhelmed)
• don't leave it for sunday (that mountain of laundry, my disgusting bathroom, mopping the floor, sunday should be for relaxation, not cleaning up Monday-Saturday clutter)
• show love/appreciation. (i'm not the only one who needs positive feedback, mark does too, if someone does something nice, show how much it made my day)
• live in the moment, forget about what is to come (so often, mark and I will be playing around but the only thing running through my mind is what i'm making for supper, my work schedule the next day, when im going to have my next cigarette, I need to cease these thoughts and enjoy what is happening in the now)
• before driving home for work, leave it at work (this could possibly be when I do my daily meditation)
• eat out less (its unhealthy and expensive. also, this sounds sexual...haha)
• think before every purchase (I spend too much money, on stupid shit. do I need everything with hello kitty on it? do I need this pack of cigarettes? will the smoking meditation cd for 40 bucks really benefit me? will I use it?)
• learn new recipes (soooo sick of the food I can cook!! this could be fun for me and mark, a nice challenge and rewarding. And not make me want to go out to eat all the time)
• give something up
• don't ignore primal needs (so often I put off or don't address whats bothering me, I need to go to the bathroom but I don't feel like it, im hungry but I don't want to cook. Not just toddlers get upset and cranky if they don't get enough sleep, get off your ass and do it!)
• if I lose something, clean (I stole this from the happiness project. I will tear apart the house trying to find my keys, and before I run out the door see I made a massive mess, leaving me more frustrated than when I couldn't find what I was looking for. If I clean, not only will I find the item, everything goes back where it is supposed to (preventing future losses) and I achieved something)
• have an indoor activity and outdoor activity with Mark (so often our spending time together is either going out to eat or sitting in front of the tv, not much time for a good conversation or bonding. I was thinking a board game, learning to play guitar in his jam room he worked so hard on, and golf. I love golf, i'll admit it)
• if all else fails, write a list (I love lists, but I never follow through with them. but it is relaxing, getting all those racing thoughts of what I have to do or what I have done on paper)
• read daily, even if its only before bed (I love to read and it's important to keep my mind stimulated, I need to fit it in my day more but not let it consume me like I used to)
• everyone has negatives, concentrate on the positive (so often I will meet someone or talk to an old friend and sit there and concentrate on every negative thing about that person, making me dislike them. yeah this person has negatives, but what is good about them? I'm not the best either, unless there is something I cant get around (this person is a murderer) try my hardest to like them
• let the sun in (we live in a cave, curtains always drawn, sunlight kills germs and promotes positive feelings, draw the curtains)
• feeling sad? laugh, watch a funny cat video (so often I get sad and I want to remain feeling sad, nope, cant have that)
• smoking is not the solution to boredom, hunger or sadness (my solution to everything, especially on the weekends is to smoke, "I don't know what to do with myself" smoke. "Im hungry but I don't want to cook" smoke. "My best friend hurt my feelings" smoke.)
• don't wait for the phone to ring (why aren't they calling me? i'm so bored...why wont my friends call me? I have to make the first step sometimes too)
• if it pops in my head, do it (nagging tasks. so often I realize I need to do something, like scrub that ring of filth out of my bathroom sink, it sits on my brain like a parasite until I finally get around to it hours later. just do it already and then I can forget about it)
• don't wait for tomorrow (so often I say, Monday I start doing this. why wait another day to not do something and eventually just not do it anyway. start now, it takes 21 days to make something a habit, that's one less day where it's hard)
• drink more tea
• sing on my way to work and on my way home (to prevent traffic frustration, smoking and relieve stress. Also, so the world can hear my killer pipes)
• if I want a cigarette, wait ten minutes (one day, i'll stop staring at the clock, get caught up in a task and a few hours will have gone by without even realizing it...then I quit eventually)
• Xanax is not the cureall to all of lifes problems, neither is any other pill (I rely on pills for everything, stomach aches, head aches, sleep, depression. I need to find healthy solutions to these problems instead of popping a pill and hoping it will fix everything)
• dump my psychiatrist, get a therapist (psych visit-no talk therapy, $40 copay. Therapist-someone who actually listens, $15 copay...its an easy decision)
• scribble down all ideas, whter they sound dumb or not, better to remember a bad I dea then forget a good one
• don't always say no to sex
• if ive seen it, don't watch it (I have watched every American dad, king of the hill, south park, family guy...why do I still watch them daily)
• use cash, not the debit card (yeah, its easy to spend with a card, but to actually count out that cash and watch it slip away, might prevent a lot of unnecessary purchases)
• plan my wedding, ask for help if I need it, remember this is a good day (I've had so much trouble planning the greatest day of my life. I have very few friends, and was so wrapped up in the fact that I have no bridesmaids. why does that matter? I'm marrying my best friend, I don't need no bitches up there with me.)

What can you do to improve your life?

enough is enough

I didn't look over my shoulder as I left last night, it was just the pharmacist and two girls who aren't trained. I felt bad but I tried not to, I had a zumba class to attend. the three people who called out yesterday, I wish it was their problem but I know my pharmacist will be pulling me aside and asking me why I didn't stay. because im done. because im done coming home and being this angry monster to my fiancé. i'm done weighing 185 pounds. I am done going the extra mile for assholes and being friends with assholes. im done not being appreciated. I am done living in anxiety attacks and needed Xanax to fall asleep and forget. I am done pacing this house, afraid, scared lonely and anxious, dwelling on stupid shit AND WORK!! this is not what I signed up for, this is not in my job description. I am not an executive, this is not a career. you wanna yell at me for not staying past my scheduled shift, fine. Im gonna go fucking live my life....

one of my best friends is marrying another one of my best friends...about a year ago she told me if they were to get married, i would be a bridesmaid...and apparently via facebook i saw she asked a bunch of people, i am not one of them...my heart feels like it's ripped in two. i hate everyone.

It's really hard having a house and a pinterest account. it makes your house look like shit. I have very limited funds and limited furniture. My bedroom is lime green walls, a bed and an end table. It was driving me crazy, so I wanted to go with some kind of oriental theme. I have tons of cherry blossom lanterns and Buddha stuff, so that's the theme I want to go with. The thing is, I don't use my bedroom for much except sleeping, (i have first floor laundry and bathroom, so I just shower and change in the kitchen and dont even bother bringing my clothes upstairs anymore) but when I have people over I don't even bring them upstairs, unless I want to introduce the guinea pig or show them the office. yesterday, I had enough. So I made a table out of two totes (filled with crap I will never need like a prom dress and my graduation gown) and threw a curtain over it that I don't use. It doesn't change the fact that my walls are ugly as hell but it made me feel just a little bit better.

I was pretty proud of myself today, I was in the mood to shop, so I drove around enfield to various craft stores and five below trying to find a project to work on or something pretty to put up, but even if something caught my eye, I looked at the price tag, assessed the damage it would do to my bank account, and came home with nothing but a couple packs of cigarettes. whatever, it was nice to get out of the house...yesterday was frustrating. Mark and I both had the day off. I cleaned almost all morning and afternoon, he slept until one, sat and played a video game all day, then called people and had them over, not even so much as a hello, and he didn't vacuum like I had asked him to. I didn't know what to do with myself, I got kind of antsy and just paced my house, every so often opening up pinterest to see everything that my house is missing. It wasn't a good feeling, so when he went to the package store I tried to take a bath. The most unrelaxing, frustrating experience. First off, our hot water sucks, so it was cold, also our drain appears to be broken, so I hop in and suddenly the water is getting lower and lower...until...poof, gone. I get out even more angry than when I got in and covered in bubbles. And the best part, as he walks in with his friends, apparently all the water from my bath was on the floor in the basement. so theres yet another issue we need fixed with money we do not have. I don't know why people recommend bubble baths, worst experience ever.

On my way home I stopped by my gym and picked up a class schedule, my goal, hit at least three classes this week after work. I'm thinking yoga and zumba. Something to get me out of the house, get my body moving, this angry mooded lifted, maybe meet some new people and get me feeling better. I go back to work tomorrow, and I have to work with my pharmacist that now hates me because I ratted him out to his boss, i'm not looking forward to it. he will either be passive aggressive, or pull me aside to give me a talking to, both outlooks are not good. the thing is, I really wish it wasn't bothering me so much, I think of him and tense up and I get so frustrated, I woke up at 4 in the morning last night, thought of him, got anxious, and couldn't fall back asleep. This is not good...I'm about to all my psychiatrist and have him write a note that I cant work in that store and need a transfer...yeah...wouldn't that be swell...

the most ridiculous phone call i have ever gotten...

I was scheduled to work until 3 today, so I did. Before I left, I waved goodbye to everyone so they knew I was leaving and my station needed to be covered and I left. I was at my in-laws when I got a phone call from my pharmacist. he chewed me up and spit me out earlier this week because I shut my phone off and didn't respond to texts asking me to come in on my day off, so I had to answer it. He used that angry tone, anyone who has worked at cvs knows this tone, and told me point blank that everytime I go home, I need to walk over to the pharmacist and discuss whether I can leave or not and that the next shift he's working he's pulling me into the office with the store manager. I was in shock, as he hung up on me. Really. I have to ask to leave at my scheduled time, even though he had plenty of staff on to get the job done, and never once even hinted to me that he wanted me to stay later, which he really cannot force me to do. I drove home immediately just, in tears from frustration. I didn't go to college because I didn't want one of those jobs that could call me at all hours of the day and night. I work retail, so i'm scheduled to work certain hours and leave at a certain time, so I can have, uh, a life? maybe?

I decided to cover all my bases, first with one of the managers up front so she could call the front store manager. Then my lead tech. Next a close co-worker to vouch for me. Then, I did the most drastic thing I could think of, I emailed my district manager. Something is seriously wrong in my store and has been ever since I can remember, but even people who have worked there for 12plus years say it has never been this bad. I mean really, to get to the point where I have to turn my phone off when I leave so this man can't call me and give me yet another panic attack, something is seriously wrong with that. and to yell at me because I left at my scheduled time, when earlier that day he was complaining that we were over hours, he should be thanking me for leaving on time and saving them time. the icing on the cake? I get a text later that night from another tech, bitchy blonde tech threw a FULL ON FIT in the middle of the pharmacy, pointing her finger in his face, screaming in front of the customers, throwing things around and slamming all the doors on the way out, yet does she get reprimanded for that type of behavior? in front of customers? are you kidding me?

My district manager showed little interest in my problem, blaming it on the beginning of the year insuance cards, flu and roll out of wecare but it is so much more than that, she even went to the point to ask why I didn't tell nate I was leaving. the man was on the phone, I know he clearly saw me wave to everyone and walk out the door. This is ridiculous. I will not push myself over the edge and leave it so I can't have a life for this shit hole...

...I was so desperate the other day I put in an application to walgreens...that's how bad this is...

new additions

I met my puppy for the second time this weekend. His eyes are still shut and he can't walk or anything but he got a little bit bigger, I cant wait until the end of February and we can bring him home. I'm worried about the adjustment, my two main concerns being Toots and Mark. Mark is really excited to have a dog of his own, he's never had one before but Mark isn't the type of person to be out of bed before noon for any reason other than work. I'm really really hoping that with the addition to our family, he takes the initiative to let the dog out and make sure he's fed. I'm worried about Toots because he's kind of a cocky jerk. Most of Toot's life he has been trapped in one bedroom or a one room house, when we moved in he became king of the castle, or so he thinks. I don't know how he's going to feel sharing his living space with a stinky puppy. I'm just excited to have someone to take walks with and give me kisses when I walk in the door (although I have toots and mark for that).

he's only about the size of my guinea pig right now, and looks like he has a lot more beagle in him then shibba inu which makes me nervous. I had a beagle growing up and that dog was trouble. I loved her to death but all she ever learned was how to sit, shake paws and escape. oh and eat out of the trash to the point where we had to leave it on the counter...

Marks birthday is today. We went to the casino yesterday, we didn't win and his friends who stayed in the hotel down the street neglected to call us over or show up until we were leaving, but we had a good time none the less. I felt bad, after Christmas and mortgage payment and wanting to go to the casino, we had no funds to buy him a birthday present. I feel bad because my dad's birthday is in December and he always got the short end of the stick because of holidays. I'm thinking of throwing Mark a half birthday in June to make up for 24 years of that shit, give him the birthday he really deserves.

It really sucks being at this age, I went against one of my new years resolutions and called a few people on Saturday, a lot of people just ignored my call, some said they would be over in a bit and never showed (Alison, you are not in either category, I appreciate you at least responding back to me :)) Anyway, the night ended with me in a fit of tears, kicking myself and asking why I try and shutting my phone off for two days. Which turned out to be a good thing because when I turned it back on today, I had a thousand phone calls and texts from cvs asking me to come in. Go figure, when I go back to work tomorrow it wont be the techs who called out that get yelled at, it will be me for not coming in on a day I requested off two months ago. Fuck it.

Ok, so I normally don't make new years resolutions, for obvious reasons, about 99.9% of people don't stick to them. This year though, I know I really have to, so why not have a jumping off point be the beginning of 2013? The thing is, there is plenty of stuff I've been meaning to do, need to do, but these are huge things...so I will of course state the obvious.

1. I want to work harder on my appearance. Your standard Stina, has about five t-shirts that are in a rotation according to when I get around to doing laundry, you will see me in them consistently and also they aren't flattering and have strings coming off them and holes in unappealing places. Also, I throw my hair into a pony tail (not a nice, flattering one either) and my cheeks glow like Christmas trees. I've come to realize I might have rosacea or some other form of skin condition that would cause my cheeks to glow as if my grandma pinched them so tightly and without mercy. they drive me fucking insane. And to state the even more obvious, I have a beer belly that is getting crazy out of control. So...I've already gone out and bought prosacea for my face, 16 t-shirts for fifty bucks at Kohls (crazy sale, get over there while you can, $20 tops for like 3 bucks, it's a steal), a little bit of exercise (DDR), tapering off the Christmas candy and something I am generally against, but I'm wearing make-up. So there, involved in this one resolution is weight loss, eating better, taking better care of myself and making myself look fab. ta-da!
2. Reading more. I read a lot. like a ridiculous amount but it tapered off a bit at the end of the year after my original kindle broke, but my parents bought me a brand new Kindle fire HD for Christmas so no excuses...although that doesn't help with my next resolution which is...
3. stop spending so much goddamn money! I just bought a house, yet i'm still spending money like I'm living at home with my parents. It ranges from buying a book on my kindle, music on iTunes, random shit for the house....and drum roll....
4. Cigarettes!! god damn it, they need to go!! I can't breathe, i'm wasting money they could be used for a new car or an extravagant vacation or paying my bills on time, I would stop fighting with Mark, I could actually buy nice things for myself instead of going to the dollar bins, I'm out of shape, i'm exhausted...blah blah blah...I already know all this, they need to go because I don't want to be...
5. a smoking bride. My wedding is supposed to be this year and I haven't planned anything so basically I need to get my shit straight and figure out what it is I want. but the more I started thinking about it...the more I don't want a big wedding. Mark and I are starting to consider eloping so we can have a really nice honeymoon, because if we spend all that dough on a big wedding (that will most likely suck) whats left for a honeymoon? I want fucking luxury...I also don't want to throw a party with a bunch of assholes from my life who don't appreciate it.
6. Enter number six. Make new friends. at the end of last year after being pretty much fucked over and verbally abused by the people who used to matter most to me, I decided to say goodbye to those fucks. I get no appreciation from these people, they break my heart everytime I see them, and it's obvious that our friendship means more to me than it does to them. And to top it off, Mark is getting the same shit from his friends. We need new people in our lives...
7. Get a new job! I applied to four different pharmacies yesterday, even stooping as low as to apply at Walgreens. Significant pay cut...but to get me out of that store filled with lazy ass drama fucks, I'll take it.
8. Learn how to relax. I am so uptight, I obsess about fucking everything...I need to learn to fucking chill...without taking Xanax or smoking weed...
9. commit myself to something, and i'm starting to think that should be zumba, twice a week. I am one of those people who can't commit to anything, "Oh yeah, I'll totally help you move" and then avoid my phone all day. "I would love to take that class," or "Yeah, I'll work late on Friday"...post an "I'm sick" status on facebook to get out of anything. I need at least one thing, where when everything else falls apart, I have to do this.
10. build a better relationship with Mark. I'm marrying him and since we moved into his parents house, things have been rocky. A lot has happened and if I want our marriage to be my only one, we need to work thorough some shit.