Monday, June 28, 2010

fuck my life

I am so fed up with my job its not even funny. My permanent schedule is not mon, tues, wed, friday (2-9) and i work on saturday. And to make matters worse, they put the schedule out three weeks in advance. Its July! people are going to need to ask for days off and now i cant. I cant do anything. I can't have a random beach day, or pick up and go out for a weekend because i work every weekend! i dont want to work weekends anymore, its not fair! I would be fine if i could at least get two days off together so if i want to go somewhere and actually enjoy my summer, i could. I mean seriously, Thursday and sunday? What the fuck? Those are the two worst days to have off. And on top of it, i find out that this girl who doesnt even deserve it and probably never even asked for days shift has gotten some! I have been asking for at least one day shift a week for months. I am one of the only people with open availability and work all these shit shifts all the fucking time! I'm so done with it. on top of that my manager has been such an ass to me lately. The job has been so stressful and with shit falling apart in my own personal life, i just don't have the patience to fake a smile and continue doing what i'm doing.

I'm so sick of not knowing what the hell i'm going to do with my life. After i found out Pokey was sick i gave up on everything. That three weeks i didnt smoke, gone, i'm back to a pack a day. Going to the gym 5 times a week, nope. Eating healthy? Oh god i have probably gained like 10 pounds in just this week. I'm falling apart. i'm not happy. i dont do anything with my life and i've been feeling just all around terrible. I never get to go out and have a good time. Nothing ever happens to me. When do i get to go out on little vacations like everyone else gets to take? wheres my beach day? When do i get to go hiking or actually feel like i have friends that i can spend time with? And maybe i'm just complaining...maybe i'm just frustrated but something in my life needs to change VERY soon or i'm going to lose it completly....

Thursday, June 24, 2010


I should have known after the dream i last posted that something bad was going to happen. Later that night i got a phone call from my brother saying pokey had not eaten or drank anything in three days. I immediatly got in the car and sped over there. i held her and could just tell something was wrong. The next day i got up early and drove over again. I held her and realized she was in pain. I made an appointment to have her put down at 11:30. At 10:30 she ate two cucumbers. So we went to have her checked out. the doctor gave me false hope and i remember calling mark and saying everything would be fine. After work i went to pick her up and bring her home. I took her to another doctor on saturday. They basically justified my fears. I spent the weekend with her. Trying any type of food, baby food, her favorite carrots, more cukes, freeze dried apples, basically anything i was eating but nothing. I left out a dish of water that went untouched. I tried everything. I knew she was close and kept telling her everything i wanted to say before she went. We said goodbye serveral times. Monday i called out and was going to take her in to put her down. at this point i was the only one she let pet her. I carried her around in a little box everywhere i went. They would not let me in the room when they did it, so i opted against it. We spent all of monday snuggling and it was a beautiful day. She was very sweet. I put her to bed that night thinking this would be it...i kept it short and sweet. Woke up the next morning (tuesday) and she was still there. I questioned what she was waiting for. Couldnt find coverage so i had to go in for 2. I was in hysterics as i tried to leave the house, truely believing this would be the last time i'd see her. Worked, trying to hard not to burst into tears and yell, "I quit" and bolt out the door and race home to her. Called mark and he said she perked up as soon as he picked up the phone. KB came in to cover for me because shes a sweetheart and i bolted home. She snuggled up on my chest and burrowed her head into my neck, everytime i moved even slightly she burrowed closer to me. I told mark to put on G-force and she lay beside me, getting weaker and weaker. I didn't really cry as i sat there trying to comfort her. I just talked her through the movie and acted as if it was any normal day. Mark kept hitting pause when she started to look worse but i kept saying, "Lets just finish the movie." When it ended she started to have trouble breathing, we didnt really speak as she lay close beside me and finally let one last breath out...and she was gone. I smiled as i said, "Wow, she really had to see the end of G-force before she could go."
We buried her last night. I decorated her shoe box and put a picture of the two of us together. I took a pallet and made a tombstone where i wrote her name, dates and "Beloved pig to all". I'm trying to keep moving but my life has been at a standstill since this all happened. I love her so much. i have my memorys...she will always mean so much to me. And as much as my heart is breaking right now, i know shes in a better place and she's happy. I know i'll never have another animal that can look me in the eye and all i can see is love.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

in between dreams

I had a really messed up dream last night. I was driving around with mark and we ended up at my grandparents old house (now my uncles bachelor pad). I was looking for something when suddenly i walked past the living room and my grandpa was sitting in his chair (he died a few years ago) and smiling and watching televison. He noticed me, got up and ran over to hug me and i actually could hug him. Until suddenly mark yells out, "What are you doing?" I tried to intoduce them but they could not see each other. So i started freaking out and ran into the backyard. I started screaming that i was seeing things and anyone i could think of that had died sprang to life. I saw my bachie on the patio smoking a cigarette and my dog started running around at my ankles as mark tried to tell me that i was crazy. I even saw our fish, Obetta Wan Kenobi, that died not even a week ago. Before we left i saw my uncle sitting in a truck on the lawn, completlely freeze framed. I don't know why he didnt come to life.

I know it was just a dream but i feel really freaked out right now. I feel really upset as well because now i'm going to spend the rest of the day missing these people.