Sunday, June 26, 2011

the good stuff

Aside from stupid relationship problems, i really am doing great. I've been just working and spending the rest of my time on myself. I've been going to the gym at least 4 times a week. I tried zumba, and although i fucked up my ankle and had to leave early, i totally intend on adding it to my workout routine. And for the days that i cant make it to the gym, i have just dance for the wii :). other than exercise i've been listening to a lot of music because finally I'm so past this horrible depression thing I acutally find joy in things again. Huzzah! I've also been spending a lot of time with my kindle and dun dun dun na, I'm writing again. I wrote six poems alone last week. The only thing i want to work on is building strong friendships with people, which is the only thing that has proved to be sort of challenging. but i'm trying to get myself out there and i'm hoping maybe if i start doing stuff like these gym classes or maybe even hiking, i'll have real friends...not just drinking buddys.

on a side note, anyone know any fantastic books to read?


...Mark and I have been fighting a lot and the core issue of this problem seems to stem from his sudden interest in leaving the house and hanging out with his friends, constantly, for very long periods of time. and if i ask him to come home, generally he'll stay out even later, lets say about 2 or 3 in the morning. He says i'm free to come along but theres nothing for me to do (and I work). his friend doesnt shower and smells like an armpit. i dont play an instument. i am shy and will no sing in front of people i dont like. i get unbelievably drunk so i can have a good time. there is no where to sit but on the floor in the hallway while i sit there ignored.

I'm starting to feel like maybe he's regressing. it feels like when we moved into his parents house i became more depressed and afraid to go out while he's turned into drunken teenager and unfortunatly I'm on the same side his parents are on or were on in high school. The thing is, i dont mind him going out. yes, i am jealous that i dont have these freedoms but i try not to let myself prevent him from doing it, everyone deserves to have friends. but its becoming more and more frequent and he can never come home early enough to spend time with me and if he does, he's plastered and falls asleep. I'm just frustrated and i truely think that this would not be an issue for me if he would just come home, ONCE, JUST ONE TIME, when i call him around 11pm and he would get in the car and just come home. just one time. but he hasnt done that, not yet. and somehow when we fight about this issue he convinces me i'm wrong. and i'm worried because i'm becoming apathetic towards the relationship because i'm confused and unsure.

He's not very mature and just through living with his parents for this short while, he has already proved to them that they will not sign for a mortgage loan when we move out. He works at costco, comes home and plays video games or guitar and watches tv. If he's not doing any of that then he is out with his friends. I on the other hand was trying. I was going to school but now its like, why am i bothering. Why do i have to work fulltime and go to school fulltime to better OUR lives if he only works part time and has fun all the time? Why do i have to be trapped in his parents house constantly? Why is it a big deal if i go out and get a little reckless once in a while but if he does it and i flip out, i'm just exagerating. i'm sick of it. if i try to talk about it, he flips out at me. And it worries the fucking shit out of me. Because why would anyone get so fucking defensive about going out?

Then the scary thoughts start creeping in there a girl coming to these horrendous jam sessions that I don't know about? Is he going to bars and stuff with his friends? Is he secretly gay and having butt sex with his friend? (haha) .....the thing is i dont know but i'm still not desperate enough to go spend 7 hours at his smelly friends house, thats for sure....