Wednesday, February 29, 2012

grant me the serenity

I'm not really sure how to place my feelings at this moment. All i can really say is the thing that happened in october, happened again, much much worse this time. And as i've been trying to work through this and figure out what comes next, as i did survive the experience, i dont know what i want. I'm alive and thats for a reason ,because my family cared enough to call an ambulance even when i told them to let me just die. I know this all happened because of alcohol. Ok, maybe not entirely, the depression and anxiety and the way i handle my life are equally to blame. but i dont know where to go from here. I dont know how to get over what i did, the people i hurt, it's almost embarassing. The way i was horrible and i think the worst part is not remembering. And when anyone tries to talk about it, i can't, i really just cant. i dont want to know what i said, i dont want to know how i broke the cabinet door or my moms ceramic elephant. i dont want to remember the medics name who i forced to hold my hand in the ambulance because i was scared. I dont want to know how my mom told the rest of the family on the phone or what i had done before she screamed at me, "Look at what you've made me do! I had to call the cops on my own daughter!"

I've wanted to cry, a lot these past few days. i've wanted to talk about it, but i can't. I've wanted to write about it but it's so hard to get the words out. It's hard to figure out how i fix this mess i've made my life into. It's been years in the making. And when i finally hit rock bottom, it was exactly how i imagined it to be. After every other drunken, embarassing, close to death moment i've had, i live with the embarassment, this constant anxiety poking at me, never failing to show it's ugly face even in my happiest of moments. but when i hit the bottom, and woke up to the sounds of the hospital, wearing that gown and having no idea who changed me, and lying there alone...the fear was there, the anger, the sadness...everything...but it wasn't knawing away at my insides slowly. i could feel it, i could recognize it but it wasn't killing me. And for the first time i knew i had to do something. Because i've spent the past two years of my life, lying on my back, afraid to act, giving up anything if it was to hard. trying to convince myself that if i was still making it into work then i was fine. but i was not fine because even though i wasn't at the point where i was missing work because of my depression, i still wasn't doing ANYTHING. i complain i have no friends, but i dont put in the effort. i dont write because im embarassed about what im saying. i dont play guitar anymrore because im always saying im not good enough. i dont speak to anyone unless i have a drink in my hand. i come home and i lie in bed and a take a few xanax and wait impatiently to fall asleep, because my life is so much easier in dreams.

I have put no effort into my life. i eat mcdonalds like everyday. i haven't worked out in almost six months. I dont want to do anything...and thats how i got myself to that point. that point where i felt as if i had nothing to live for, as if there was no reason to keep going. And with no faith in religion or a higher power, i left myself with nothing to turn to.

So what now? I saw my psychiatrist twice this week, got in contact with my therapist and made an appointment, made an appointment with a drug and alcohol abuse professional and will be attending my first AA meeting tomorrow. I've missed a bunch of work and they are all probably furious with me, and i am worried about losing my job, but i need this time becuase i have not given myself this time in years. I am taking care of myself. I am putting myself on some form of path to recovery. And i dont just mean recovery from being an alcoholic or my depression. I am putting myself on a path where i actually try, where i actually live my life. Where i can actually finally see things, actually grasp them and appreciate the beauty that life is. I have not stopped and actually enjoyed life in so long i can't remember what it even feels like to live. I feel like i have a very long road ahead of me, where nothing is certain. I am not making any promises to myself this time because i never stick to them. All i know for certain is that my relationship with alcohol is over. It has done nothing good for my life and over the past few years has only made me a worse off person than i already was. I am hoping to come out of this experience in a few years a more well rounded person. My only goals at this point being to make myself a healthy person, so i can enjoy life to the fullest. and by healthy i mean both physically and mentally. I hope to come out of this experience with a few friends, and i realize i have not tried hard enough to actually maintain friendships over the years....unless i'm drinking. I hope to find some form of outlet for all these pent up emotions whether it be in the form of writing, painting, music...whatever but i cant leave it all bottled up inside me anymore. because when that first sip of alcohol gets into me it comes pouring out in a not so glamourous fashion....

I dont know if i'll ever drink again. i dont know if im in that position where i can say im done with it FOREVER. I dont know if i'll become one of those people who during a champaigne toast drinks apple juice. I dont know....all i know is i need to go a few years without it but i dont think i'll ever have that off switch in my head that tells me "that's enough" after one or two drinks. I'm so unsure of everything right future and my work situation...whether in a few months i'll decide to go back to school or if i'll ever have the strength within myself to get out of cvs. i dont know...usually i'm so focused on the big picture but for the first time in my life i'm not thinking about those major things. I kind of just feel like i broke a glass and instead of picking up the larger pieces first and vacuming up the tiny little slivers....i'm picking up those little slivers first, and even if they are the pieces that tend to make you bleed...i dont know. The little things are important too, maybe most imporatant for all i know. i guess the time for apologies will come soon. I hurt a lot of people, people who i can't believe i had the ability to hurt. And for the first time since this happened i was finally able to stay to myself today, "I tried to kill myself and it didnt work. and although i don't believe in god or a higher power, i am here for a reason. It wasn't my time yet so its about fucking time i make the most of it"