Friday, September 27, 2013


So it's back to reality for me. The past couple of weeks have been amazing, starting with an amazing wedding shower that my parents threw for me. From the luau decorations, tiki bar and the food, it was phenomenal! for last minute invites and registering at bed bath and beyond, the turnout was awesome and I got almost everything off my registry. I got to catch up with old friends and family I hadn't seen in ages, and afterward went back to my house with all our loot and cash and partied at Mark's pig roast/keggar, with a lot of fun people, followed by me passing out and throwing up after many shots of tequila.

Traveling to Maui was no picnic. All in all it was about 22 hours of travel time, including a not so fun 5 hour layover at LAX, and going through security multiple times because I needed a cigarette. We arrived in paradise at about 11pm, so we couldn't see anything, we got our rental car and slept like rocks. I woke up early the next morning and stepped out onto the balcony only to see beautiful palm trees and my first view of the pacific ocean, it took my breath away. The week was filled with amazing firsts and moments I wouldn't trade for anything. We rented snorkel gear and only 20 feet out on our beach we saw a turtle, it swam right underneath us. We took a snorkel cruise and a huge school of dolphins danced and jumped and swam right next to our boat. We got up at 2:30am and drove to the summit of Haleakala (a dormant volcano, 10,000 feet!!) and watched the sunrise above the clouds. We drove a good portion of the road to Hana and drank coconut water from full size coconuts, ate fresh pineapple from a roadside stand, saw a waterfall and trekked through lush and beautiful rainforest. And of course we had to go to a luau, where we saw awesome dances, made new friends with a ton of newlyweds, ate until we could burst and watched a man toss flaming sticks all over the place.

I've never truly fallen in love with a location before. After a little while, I'm always ready to come home, but in less than a day of smelling the flowers and seeing the ocean and just the feel of the island, it broke my heart to have to leave it and come back to New England...and yes, I did cry when it came time to leave...

The wedding was nothing short of amazing. Mark and I felt so close and so in love, we didn't even remember that we had a camera on us the whole time. We were almost late to our own wedding, after I spent close to three hours at the beauty salon! Makena Cove was beautiful, with the waves crashing on the rocks behind us as we exchanged our vows. I was more than happy with the ukulele musician, it was perfect throughout the whole ceremony. Just after we were pronounced husband and wife and we kissed, he began to play "Somewhere over the rainbow" and I lost it, it was the happiest moment of my life, and I balled like a baby. Even in the wedding video you can hear me say, "This is the most perfect moment of my life."

It was hard coming home, lucky only about 13 hours of travel coming back. So far out of all the pets, Toots is the only one home and he's happy that way. My parents leave for Florida tomorrow, it's not going to be an easy couple of days. Then I go back to work on Monday, from what I hear the place is horrible, my lead tech took early maternity leave (3 months early to be exact), short staffed and shitty...honeymoon is over...

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I don't know if I posted on here that my parents are leaving. They are quitting their jobs, sold their house and at the end of this month moving down to Florida with no set home, work or anything really. It's very much out of character but then again, most of the decisions they have been making over the past couple of years have made little to no sense to me either. Yesterday they showed a side that really pissed me off. Mark's grandfather passed away after a too short battle with cancer. A few months ago Mark's parents wanted to throw us a wedding party. Even under the difficult circumstances, with pop's diagnosis, going on hospice, etc, they still insisted on throwing us a party, but about two weeks ago, they realized they just could not do it. At first Mark and I were upset, kind of mad because we couldn't get any straight answers out of them, mad because they insisted and then suddenly about a month before the wedding we had to make new plans, but once his mother actually came over and talked it over with us, we were more than understanding. So my mom said she would throw a wedding shower for me and Mark would have a sort of bachelor party/BBQ in the back yard for his friends and family. Well that has been all well and good, until yesterday...

Mark's mom asked me the other day if the party was the more the merrier, of course it is, that's the impression my mom gave me, more people more money, gifts. Well, I tell her so and she hands me a list, so I send it to my mom to send out invites. My parents show up at the wake for pop yesterday, we are standing in line, by the coffin might I add, so they can pay their respects to the family and my mom starts going off about how Mark's mom invited soooo many people and she was supposed to be throwing the party in the first place and now she has all these extra mouths to feed. My mom has been telling me all along that we need to invite as many people as possible so we make some money, but because she didn't invite them this isn't ok? Then she gets mad because Mark isn't charging for tickets to his party, who would pay twenty bucks to hang out in our backyard for a while? And also, we were at the reason why Mark's mom couldn't throw the party in the first place, at a WAKE! How disrespectful can you get? And as I'm waiting for my dad to say, "Maybe this isn't the right time," he starts in with, "OH my godddd...why isn't the line moving..." like a child, like someone waiting in line at a fast food restaurant. I was furious....

I'm 24, and I seem to have more respect, manners and sympathy than either of them do. I'm grateful that they decided to throw me a wedding shower, do not get me wrong, but my mom is going about it so weird. It's all about the money, the envelopes, getting everything off the registry...doesn't she understand that this party means more than that to Mark and I? that we aren't having a wedding reception or church to do, we will be in Hawaii, alone. We want to see our families and friends and celebrate, and I really won't be pissed off if they show up empty handed. Yes, the money would be great because we could really use it for our new home and so we can actually enjoy our honeymoon, but that is not the reason we are getting together....

At first I was so upset to hear my parents were leaving, but over the past couple months, I feel like I need the time apart anyway. So many times I've talked to my mom about my relationship and had her turn not doing the dishes into he doesn't respect me, only to talk to my new friend, Linda, and have her say, "Do A, B and C and problem solved." I've relied on my parents, especially my mom, for so long, I guess I never really looked at or noticed certain things before that drive me nuts...

Sunday, April 28, 2013

look back and laugh

Yesterday was my friend's Ginny and Dave's Jack and Jill. Normally, I would skip these types of things but I can't afford to go to the wedding up in Vermont, so I paid the 20 bucks to get in to the American Legion to show my support. Near the end of the night, it had it's moments that made me smile inside and feel really good, but that old feeling of closeness and affection I once had with these people is pretty much non-existant. Ginny and Dave both have really big families so the majority of the party was made up of them, a lot of my friends (including myself) are shy people who only act out or have a lot to say when we've been drinking. Most of my friends, including myself, don't drink anymore and have even quit smoking (not me!). So for a majority of this shin-dig, we caught up In between big gaps of silence, reminding me that throughout high school and early adulthood that we were glorified drinking buddies more than anything else. Even though I haven't drank in a long time, I brought a half pint of soco along with me, thank god I did, or I would have been falling asleep in my chair. The music was lousy, Dave's cousin "DJ'd" the event, completely disregarding Ginny and Dave's taste in music, playing shit like Bruce Springsteen and a lot of country. And even when they through on the cotton eyed Joe, I said, what the fuck, and I got up from the table and did it with my buddy Lee because I wasn't having any fun sitting around that table with these people. The thing is, we're in our twenties, but I was sitting around the table with what felt like a bunch of high school kids trying to prove they were cool, by not laughing at bad jokes the DJ told or jamming out to really shitty music. I don't care anymore, yes some of that old humor and bad music gets to me, but I want to make the best of any given situation. And it's been a long time since I felt that sort of "peer pressure", to act that way too, and I almost felt like a fool until Ginny, sick of listening to family members karaoke country song after country song, karaoked "Roxanne" by the police...

Let me explain the Ginny I met back in 7th grade. Ginny was timid, afraid to speak her mind. terrified of everything. Designated babysitter everytime we drank because she was too afraid her parents would catch her. I had to yank this girl out of her shell and it took years!! And here she is, beer in hand, dancing around in a flowing skirt, belting out Roxanne, while Dave stands at a distance, staring at her and smiling wider than I've ever seen in my life. I could see this love radiating from his face and it was beautiful. I wanted to cry because that is a moment they will tell their kids and grandkids about.  It just stuck me as funny, that the person out of all of us to rock the party was her. So by the end of the night, her and I were out on the dance floor jamming out to bad hip hop songs, while everyone else sat there like bumps on a log.

I come home around 10:30 and Mark has a few friends over. His friends are the polar opposite, they don't want to grow up. the stragglers were still there, one of them drunk, passed out in a chair, the other a schizophrenic kid who has never held a job (who Mark didn't want there but someone dragged along and then left him there). These two kids had no rides and were too drunk to walk home, so had to pass out on the couch in the basement. One had the nerve to ask Mark if he could stay longer (around 7am) and have Mark give him a ride home on his way to work. Mark says no, your lucky enough we let you sleep on our couch, you put yourself in this position, get yourself out of it. Everywhere I go, people either act as though they are too mature or they just act like kids in high school, I can't win. Mark can see it too. I know your supposed to grow up and stray from your friends, but with a lot of them, it's gotten to the point, where we don't even see what we used to see in them at all.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

so while Mark was on vacation 2 weeks ago we sat down one afternoon to look up wedding stuff, each of us on our individual laptops. while I looked at the same old websites at the same boring places, he went on priceline and mapped out a trip to Hawaii, flight and even the wedding with ukullali player and taped wedding service for around 3 grand. To me, this solved all of our problems. Nothing stuck out to me as I looked at places in the Mass/Ct area. Everything was too expensive, causing us to throw a lame party and have no money leftover for a honeymoon. I didn't know who to invite, seeing as most people who were my friends, suck ass. His friends would show up most likely in jeans and not even bring a gift. My aunt would get too drunk. Not only would we have to stand in front of a bunch of people, which would make us feel awkward and uncomfortable, we'd have to dance in front of them as well. We'd have to get some crummy DJ that would play songs like the electric slide and wouldn't have any punk music. I'd have no bridesmaids because woman suck and I don't get along with them. We would have to worry about stupid shit like flowers and whether to add a vegetarian dish to the menu. I wouldn't get sushi. Nothing about the whole planning of the wedding experience brought me any joy. I watched as a friend of mine got engaged just 4 months after me, and she is speeding through her wedding plans. If I sat down to try to plan this thing, I got overwhelmed and was more tempted to drive down the street to the town hall, sign the papers and call it a day. But I know that isn't how I want to remember it.

I went out to lunch with my parents today and my dad brought up the question of, "So is this thing still on?" I hesitated...see...I didn't bring up Hawaii for a while because I wasn't sure how my mom would handle it. "I can't see my baby get married? Oh my god" and I imagined her storming out. My grandmas pictured me walking down the aisle in this huge princess dress, while they balled their eyes out...but that's not how I pictured it. So finally, I had the courage and I threw the idea out there. they both suddenly confessed that this was something they saw me doing all along and that they couldn't picture me doing a conventional wedding. My mom was the one who said, "This is your day and if this is what you want, we support it." Seeing as 3 grand was around the lines of how much they wanted to spend in the first place, they are on board to help us fund the trip. This is amazing. Suddenly all these horrendous plans and putting things off, is lifted from my shoulders. Instead of some intense ball gown that I will sweat to death under, becomes a simple, elegant, light white dress. I don't have to wear shoes, I'll be on the beach. Instead of trying to imagine my fiancé in a suit jacket and tie, which I couldn't see anyway, he's in a nice button down shirt and his least ripped pair of khakis. No flowers for every single table, just the ones in my hand. No huge few hundred dollar cake but a cake for two. Dinner at any restaurant we want, sushi, steak, vegetarian dish, who cares, we can eat what we want. We can have the ceremony taped, come home, throw a backyard BBQ and leave it on in the living room on a loop, so anyone who so desperately wanted to be there, can see it. Now the day is just how Mark and I want it, a day that is actually about US, instead of a day that is posed as a day about us, but really isn't.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

So two of my friends are getting married this summer, the wedding is in Vermont and up until this week when I received my invitation I wasn't even sure I was invited. well, every time I see this friend she makes me feel unappreciated, belittles me and has made me cry the last like 5 times I've seen her. We don't talk. she comes to town and doesn't call me and if she does, we see eachother for maybe an hour. Anyway, the friendship has been downhill for years and I don't even care for her much. The same weekend is an amaaazzzzing music festival in Canada, Rancid, the dropkick murphys, social distortion, mighty mighty bosstones, Against me (basically every single one of my favorite bands in one place!!) the tickets are about two hundred bucks for me and Mark and that's not counting a hotel, food and gas, but if we can swing it, we are going and skipping the wedding. Does that make me a bad person?

Thursday, March 14, 2013

23 going on 84

So I've been noticing some comical things I've been doing and saying that make me feel really old. I needed a new pair of sneakers and I was bored on Monday before work so I went to platos closet to see if they had any cheap shoes in my size (notice I love saving money, the good thing, I wasn't carrying around coupons). I found a pair of chuck taylors relatively close to my size and I was about to try them, I haven't owned a pair since high school and thought hey they go with everything I should get a pair, then I thought about my back and said, "oh they have terrible arch support," and I walked away from them. it wasn't until a few days later that I wanted to kick myself in the teeth, i'm fucking 23, why the fuck should I care about arch support?

While my back was hurting, I was on an anti-inflammatory, I had to take it with food and couldn't lay down for like 20 minutes after taking it or i'd get heart burn. I waited too long to eat one day because my family was going to Texas roadhouse for dinner for my moms birthday. My brothers picked me up and I told them to rush because, "I need to eat so I can take my back pill." I sounded like a 101 year old man. I also noticed this when I first was diagnosed with acid reflux. My dad would offer me coffee or orange juice the morning after I slept over their house, "Oh no, I didn't bring my medicine, I'll be regretting it all day."

I also started enjoying listening to Fleetwood Mac, waking up at 7am, thinking that 11pm is too late at night, and complaining that music is too loud. I always considered myself an old soul but this is getting ridiculous. I'm off to find a punk show close by and get sloppy drunk so I can act my age...

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I'm all for people trying to spread awareness and shit. People with diseases, animals that are abused, whatever. But when I'm scrolling through my facebook newsfeed in the morning starting off my day with a cup of coffee I really don't need to see pictures of pitbull puppies with chunks of flesh missing from their bodies and shit like that. That is just going above and beyond to me when it comes to spreading awareness. This is why I stopped watching the news, it's fucking depressing, and for someone like me, i'm not desensetisized to this shit. It truly fucking bothers me and I cannot go throughout the rest of my day without thinking about this shit. Just this morning I saw a picture of a kill shelter and literally a massive pile of dead healthy cats and just below it a picture of an infant baby with a MASSIVE abnormality growing on it's head. These two people, I'm not close friends to and also are constantly posting this kind of shit, I finally got around to deleting them. You wanna post this shit, fine, get a fucking blog, join a fucking cause, but I don't need to fucking see it everyday. I'm not saying this shit is right, I know it isn't and it needs to stop, but throwing it in my face isn't going to do anything but make me lose my breakfast, make me cry and ruin my day...
So I went back to work on Monday. I decided to adopt the I don't give a fuck attitude everyone else has, I care way too much about my job and it's given me nothing but anguish and a bad back. So far it's really working out for me. Laughing at the issues at CVS is really more effective then taking them to heart. Like, when my pharmacist heard from my lead tech that she had called the help desk about a fax machine issue but apparently it wasn't good enough so he spent two hours calling the help desk and our district manager himself and refused to check a single prescription in all that time. So when he was checking 8am scripts at 1pm, I stood behind the 4pm baskets I was counting and chuckled to myself because I was caught up, it was his own doing, I was right on track. Or, when the kid with the dopey eyes who works two jobs and goes to school was on the phone for 40 minutes and there was just three of us on and the work was just falling over us, I rang out my customers with a smile and just kept saying to myself, "Well, I'm out at two o'clock today, I don't have to clean up this mess." because you know what, that's what everyone else does...

At 2 o'clock, I told the pharmacist see ya later and he had this desperation in his eyes, this begging for me to stay later because out of stocks weren't scanned and no one else was coming in for another hour and he had four huge stacks of unchecked, red baskets but he didn't dare ask, he just turned to the lead tech to tell her all the things they should have been doing all morning, the things I could have told him, the things that he should have known because he's been in the business for over 20 years...but he gets preoccupied with stupid shit...and I laughed and laughed as I grabbed my things and went home and made a thanksgiving day sandwich and had a nice relaxing evening. I'm sick of giving a shit, caring if shit gets done, following people around to see if they are doing the job right because you know what, I don't get paid enough for this shit and it's not my job. Mark just told me Costco is going to start their employees at $11.50 an hour. To start. that's more than I make now and I've been at my job for over 5 years, and the amount I had to learn, the stress and the hours I have to work, no, that's not worth it. So that's enough, you get what you give, so unless CVS wants to pay me what I really deserve, this is what they get, no more going above and beyond, staying late, coming in early, working two or three stations at once or pulling my hair out because I'm so overwhelmed...I'm not letting this job or these people get me down. I'm not saying I'm going to do a bad job, no, I'll do that same great job I always do, but I'm doing MY job, but not Sara, Angie, Kyle and everyone elses on top of it...

Sunday, February 24, 2013

so we got our puppy last Monday. I love him sooo much already, but I'm telling you, it is HARD WORK! We are trying to crate train him, he is just too adventurous and troublesome to let him roam around the house while we sleep. I was expecting him to cry all night long the first night, but that wasn't the case. We (and by we I mostly mean I) have to take him out generally around 3am and then again at 6am. The 6am time is the hardest, all he wants to do is play and all I want to do is go back to sleep. So I put him in his crate and he screams and cries for like 10 minutes before I give up and get up with him. Needless to say, I'm not sleeping much. Luckily, Mark will be on vacation next week, almost exclusively for the puppy so I will at least have a few days where I don't have to get up, I hope. He is teething so I have to leave my shoes on the stairs (oh my god, he's so small he cant climb the stairs yet) and he's starting to enjoy biting our feet and any other extremities that come near his mouth. Just yesterday he was able to bite my nipple threw my shirt, those tiny puppy teeth hurt! But at the same time, he's a total love, with Mark working he's become a total mamas boy, snugglin and sleeping with me on the couch and giving me stinky puppy kisses, ahhh he's so cute. I guess the most difficult thing has been the potty training. You have to take him out after he sleeps, after he plays, after he eats, pretty much after he does anything because of his small bladder. he's still having quite a few accidents in the house but for the most part, every time we take him outside he at least does something. Although, he does like to hold in his poops, which is so annoying. One day I had fed him breakfast and lunch and I followed him around for like 7 hours because he would not shit! It was only after Mark came home from work and took him outside that he did.

Aside from that, I've been a bit stressed, with my back still bothering me and Mark working extra hours to cover me being out of work, so I'm a full time puppysitter. I had a really good session with my new chiropractor on Friday, and it's sunday and I've had only a bit of discomfort all weekend. it wasn't until about 10:30 last night that I had to take my anti-inflammatory which is very good. And even though I have to get up early every morning, I am finally starting to sleep. I have a little over a week left of my disability and I am truly not looking forward to walking back into that pharmacy. My pharmacist was such an ass he got one of our best techs to finally throw her jacket down and say, "I quit." Nancy was my rock, the person I could turn to during any stressful time, the person who stood up for me, with that gone, I really cant see myself working that job much longer. I don't know how they are even getting by, at this moment, with Nancy quitting and me on disability we only have like  2 fulltime techs, that is ridiculous. I'm just so worried that after a few days back all the stress will build up and my back will hurt once again. I just need to get out of there, I need something stable, something that doesn't have me ripping my hair out and cursing the human race everytime I leave. This two weeks off has really given me some insight on everything I've been missing in life, how rarely I actually take the time to enjoy and laugh and love. I was incredibly stressed out over my quack chiropractor and the pain I was in and getting paid while being out of work and I found my self thinking about infinity, will all these problems bother me in a month from now, or a year, or when i'm 55? No, these are short term issues, things that will one day be in the distant past with no anxiety attached...and somehow that really helped me to start letting go of that anxiety, and let me sleep at night and concentrate on healing. It's something I've never been able to do, I always let this anxieties and issues and evil things people say and do fester in my mind, I can never truly let them go, even after someone apologizes of the issue is resolved. I'm hoping I figured something out that will benefit me once this leave is over.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

shit shit shit shit shit

i'm done with this dealing with doctors, not getting a straight answer, having to deal with this pain all on my own with no medication, being told i'm lying, people who act concerned but when I break down and they aren't there for me, people walking all tell me it's fucking stress? you know what the biggest cause of stress in my life is right now??? This fucking pain that is there for no apparent fucking reason and even though I feel like i'm doing everything in my fucking power to fix it, it doesn't get any fucking better!! Fuck this.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

there i think that gets my point across

Dear Dr. L******,

when i showed up at your office, I was at the end of my rope. Having suffered back pain for weeks on end with no relief whatsoever. My doctor as you know had sent me for an MRI that i could not afford and i was due back to work any day so i needed to get this issue fixed so i could get my life back and get back to work. I googled chiropractors in my area and you were the first to come up. I watched your little video on your web site and even went on other web sites to read reviews, i thought i was putting myself in good hands and would fix this issue so i could get my life back. Upon calling your office, i felt good, the receptionist was very nice and told me to come in immediately and it seemed like you were going to launch into a full scale attack on the problem. I was there for about four hours, you sent me for X-rays, and it seemed as if you were trying to pin point the problem for me. Upon seeing the xrays, initally you told me there was nothing too serious and nothing that i should worry about. After asking me about my life, you attributed the cause to be stress, mostly from work, but it was nothing severe and treatment shouldn’t take too long. Then you cracked my back, directed me to start taking vitamins, set up 3 more sessions and sent me on my way. I felt no relief after that first session, no matter how audible you made that crack sound, this should have been a warning sign, yet i had never been to a chiropractor so i didn’t know what to expect.

Through all my sessions with you, i never got any relief and all along you were telling me, “It’s a process and it will take time,” and i believed you, what do i know? you know that joke you tell, i’ve heard it twice, both to myself on the first day and when you met my fiance, “Have you ever been to a chiropractor before? Neither have I.” I realize now, it’s not to put a smile on my face, but to weed out the suckers. Through every session with you, you never sent me home with any stretches i could do, or any advice as to whether i should be icing my back or applying heat. You even instructed me to stop taking my pain medication, something that was nearly impossible with the level of pain i was enduring and essentially killing me because again, i was getting no relief from your sessions. I believe it was my third session with you where you said i would be out of this whole thing in no time, it was nothing too severe, and “You weren’t one of those doctors who wants me to be in treatment for too long, i want you to be out of here.” All along you were telling me, it’s just stress causing things to not line up properly and you’ll have me out of there in no time. And then came the session with Mark where you dropped the bomb.

For someone who has been in pain for almost a month, with no relief and no idea what is wrong, i was willing to believe anything. After all, it seemed as if you and your staff were such nice people, wanting nothing but the best for me, I mean you were even nice enough to give my your home phone number and on the first night i got a phone call to see how i was doing, why would these people want to betray me? You had informed me going into this meeting that we would discuss a treatment plan, that i could from home, requiring little to no visits to your office. Suddenly, your telling me this problem is very severe, I’m totally out of alignment, I will need to be in treatment for a year or degeneration will start. That’s enough to scare anyone. But tell me, you had those X-rays since day one, why didn’t any of that ever come up before? Why did you never tell me this was a severe problem? Why did you tell me that i would be out of this in a few weeks? I guess your first mistake was inviting Mark to this little pow-wow because he can smell bullshit from a mile away. How you came up with your figures that I’ll be in the stages of degeneration is a 90% chance, i don’t know. You were using scare tactics, using big words you knew i don’t understand (i did not go to medical school), to scare me into rushing into this therapy. Three times a week and a year of my time to get me out of this, i don’t think so. Of course, I’ve always been taught to have good manners, i’ve heard bullshit before, so I sat there and listened to your little schpeal, only to know i would never contact your office again. As you knew from the beginning, i don’t have a lot of money, i passed on the MRI because i could not afford $500, now what made you think i would pay three grand?

After leaving your office, i called a physical therapy place in Enfield for a second opinion. The woman informed me that she could not get me in for PT until next week but i could meet with their chiropractor so i could at least get some relief before the weekend. I stopped her right there, “Wait a second, i thought being treated by a chiropractor was a process and takes time.” she laughed at me stating that no, i should get relief, even if it’s only for a little while, after every session. She then proceeded to ask me what i was doing at home, which is nothing. You gave me no exercises to do from home or even instruction on whether to apply heat or ice. She told me i needed to start icing my back as soon as possible.

So, I met with the chiropractor on friday. he took my medical history and asked me to explain how you treated me. he seemed kind of shocked that you never applied heat, or electrodes or did any sort of tissue work before you aligned me. When i told him that you expected me to be in your office 3 times a week and spend a year of my time in your office, he said he could tell already that was not necessary, even going to the length to say, “If i needed you in here three times a week, i would change how i was treating you because apparently it’s not working.” He applied heat and electrodes to my back to loosen things up and then did the graston technique, and after month of being in pain, i felt some relief, he didn’t even have to align me. he even gave me exercises to do outside of the appointments to help with healing, something you never did for me.

I would also like to say, that you completely screwed up my short term disability paperwork. Yes, i am stressed about my job, but that is not why I’m not there at the moment. For reasons as to why I’m not in work you put neck pain (you treated my neck one time the entire time i saw you) and stress from work as the second reason. That would make this a workers comp claim, kind of hard to explain that when i dont even have a therapist or a psychiatrist. You didn’t even mention the back pain, which is the entire reason i cant work, because im in pain, not because i’m stressed. yeah, i’m stressed, but that would not keep me home for three weeks, I’m in pain, i can’t stand for long periods of time, the pain causes me to be unable to concentrate, so therefore i cannot do my job. This makes me think that you never actually listened to a word I ever said. And the fact that after one session with this chiropractor and feeling relief, when after about three with you where i got nothing, i believe you were withholding treatment from me. Even during our meeting, you said it would be over a month before you would give me exercises to do from home.

Lucky for me, my fiance is not an idiot and not many things in my life are worth three thousand dollars where i would actually go through with it. You should be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of someone who is truly in need of help, withholding treatment, lying to me, and then going as far as trying to scam me. But unfortunately, because of your improper filling out of my FMLA paperwork, I may not get paid while i am out of work, you’ve caused even more extra stress on my life that i do not need right now. Lucky for me, my new chiropractor was more than willing to fill out the paperwork (properly) and I’m hoping to get your ridiculous testimony thrown out. I’ve always heard about there being quacks in chiropractic medicine, and now i have witnessed it first hand. Anywhere I go, i will tell people of the bullshit you put me through, with your false diagnosis and ridiculous, over-priced and ineffective treatment plans. You have turned my life into a nightmare, caused me nothing but problems and completely shaken my confidence in both doctors and human beings. And although you will never feel the slightest bit of remorse, I at least wanted you to hear what i had to say. Lucky for me, I got out early and was able to find help, from professionals, people who can actually help me and have the desire to help me instead of draining my bank account. Thank you for being yet another stereotype of a supposed medical professional, when all you really are is a crook.


Christina Spellman

P.S. It was a really dumb move on your part to park your fancy, expensive sports car in front of your office when you decided to make your little sales pitch to me. I’m not making a years worth of car payments for you.
(whether I'll actually have the guts to ever send this I don't know, but it felt good to write it out)

the good, the bad...

yesterday I met with the chiropractor at the physical therapy place. He's not overly friendly, the way my previous chiropractor was (because he was trying to make a sale), yet helpful, and professional. He took my history and examined me and I explained what the quack had told me (3 times a week for a year, degeneration,etc.) he says to me, "Look, i'm going to tell you right off the bat, none of that is necessary. And if I had to see you three times a week for that long of a period of time, I would change my therapy plan because obviously it's not working." I like him already, right off the bat, he agreed to fill out my paperwork for FMLA, and i'm realllly hoping I can get them to throw out the previous guys statement and close this whole stress, and workers comp investigation. I'm not working because im in pain, not because the place stresses me out. Besides, it's not just work that's causing stress in my life, take finances for example. He applied to electodes to stimulate my back along with heat, then he started this thing called the gaston technique. he puts this cream on my back and scrapes a dull metal tool across my back, to chip away some of the bad stuff and promote healing. He told me some people say it feels really good, some say they barely feel it, some say its excruciating, unfortunaly im one of the people who says it's excruciating. He didn't even have to adjust me, but once I left his office, I already felt and improvement and  was even able to go to bed without taking a vicodin. That's how a chiropractor is supposed to feel? no way...although it didn't last, I woke up in a little bit of pain, I was able to sleep last night and at least for a few hours feel somewhat better.

After his appointment I went and saw my primary care doctor, who can be kind of a dick. he feels my back once, and does the reflexes in my knees and says, "I don't know why your in pain, you shouldn't be in pain." Well fucktard, I don't know why im in pain either, I just want it to go away and get my life back. he starts going on and on about stress (great, another thing for FMLA not to approve my claim) and says that these PT people aren't going to be able to help me and throws some Cymbalta samples at me. He's refusing to refill my vicodin prescription, but he gave me an anti-inflammatory instead. I'm hoping this won't be an issue, i'm hoping in seeing these new people I can get this whole thing under control because really that's what I want before I start launching into this whole scale brigade of psychiatrists and therapists and prescription drugs. It just pisses me off, I dumped my psych doc maybe a month or two ago and managed to (by myself) taper off the Xanax. I really just don't want to have to depend on those meds again, and the Cymbalta (the one anti-depressant that doesn't totally fuck up my life) has no generic and costs fucking thirty bucks a month for me, money I do not have. I also don't have forty bucks to spend on a psych visit, although I know once I get through this back pain, maybe that will all be for the best.

I went and saw my new chiropractor this morning, again the stimulation, heat, graston tool and he did a slight adjustment, much different then what my other chiropractor would do. My other chiropractor would crack me to the point where it would make this very loud sound, to make it sound like he had done something great, only to feel no relief after. This guy, barely any loud audible cracks, but a definite decent feeling after. I start PT on Monday and I have a follow up with him after, i'm hoping it goes well and by taking the initiative to strengthen my back, this problem will start to get fixed.

I just can't help it though, I know stress bad...push it away, but I really cant help but think about it. How this guy totally screwed me over, how my doctor can just completely not care, how Unum may not approve my short term disability and I'll have to go back to work and suffer. I want to write a bad review about that chiropractor, because somehow there aren't any online about him (that's why I went to him, I thought I was making a good decision), I want to warn people. I just don't want to get sued...but maybe a letter to his office may be a good route. he also gave me his home phone I may feel inclined to pass that around to a few choice drunk people from time to time...hehehe...

Friday, February 15, 2013

I get woken up this morning with a phone call from Unum, they are handling my short term disability claim. My fucking chiropractor put neck pain as the main reason i'm missing work and underneath it he put stress from work (which would then make it a workers comp claim!) At this point they can't even approve my claim and he's making it sound like im faking it! He didn't even mention the back pain. Maybe the stress from work initially caused this pain, but that's not why im not working. i'm not working because i'm in pain, I cant stand for long periods of time, I can't concentrate because of the pain and get my job done. It's been over a month and I haven't seen even the slightest improvement, I have to take about 4 vicodin a day for the pain. Although, I made an appointment for PT, I called and made an appointment with my primary care doctor. But after talking to the woman from Unum, even once they get all my medical histories, I will still, unlikely be able to stay on disability. I feel like such an idiot. I didn't get the MRI because it was too expensive, I went to this chiropractor because I needed help, and he never gave it to me, all of a sudden it just turned into this shit storm. I've never been to a chiropractor, so I don't know what to expect, so when he says it's a process, I believed him. I believed that the first few treatments wouldn't provide any relief because they fucking didn't. I went to him BECAUSE I wanted to go back to work, I didn't want to be in pain when I was there. And now look at the position I'm in? Because he filled out the paperwork and put that shit down, even if I get my second opinion from my primary and a physical therapist, it doesn't matter. And even if I do decide to file it under a workers comp claim, I'm not seeing a therapist, I dumped my psychiatrist a month ago because he wasn't helping and all he was doing was feeding me Xanax. I'm fucking screwed and this fucker knows it. After I left his office yesterday, he knew I wasn't coming back and he had to fuck me over some way...

I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why i'm in pain, I don't even trust his diagnosis anymore, I didn't get in an accident or fall down the stairs, it just happened one day and hasn't left. I want this to be fixed, as much as I hate my fucking job, I want to be well enough to at least fucking do it. I feel so let down, so just lost and I have no hope in anyone. Yeah, my doctor can help a little, maybe. Yeah, the physical therapists might be able to get me on the road to recovery, but that I know actually takes time.

I just can't get over the fact, that I went to this guy because I felt I had no other options and up until yesterday I thought he was actually helping me. I feel so fucking stupid. All of a sudden he's just fucking me over right and left, the second I walked into that office, money signs probably popped into his eyes...

Thursday, February 14, 2013

where'd all the good people go?

So for a few weeks I've been seeing a chiropractor for my back, with little improvement, but he kept telling me it's a process so I told myself I just needed to be patient. I guess there were a signs along the way that make sense now but I decided to ignore. I'm on short term disability, completely unable to do my job, I had to take at least three weeks off of work to get better. I've been doing a trial with my chiropractor and today he wanted mark to come in so we could discuss where my treatment was to go from here. Right along he's been telling me that this is an injury caused by stress, just causing things to not line up properly and that after a few weeks I should be good as new. Then he starts telling me it could be 12 weeks to 8 months until i'm back to normal. He goes on and on about how he's not one of those doctors who wants you hanging around the office, and he wants to get you out of there as soon as possible. My thoughts going into this meeting were that he would give me exercises to do from home to help me improve my situation, and Mark was there so he understood was expected of me so he could help. Suddenly, he's launching into a story about how my back is totally out of alignment and that i'll need to be in therapy for over a year, in the beginning seeing him up to 3 times a week, or degeneration will begin. Now, hold on a second...why hadn't any of that come up in any of my prior sessions? In fact, when I think about it, he gave me no advice on what to do outside the office at all. Not even whether I should use ice or heat. And anytime I had gone to see him, I never felt even the slightest relief after a session...that's not how chiropractic medicine is supposed to work. Mark was pissed and I could tell, he was cold, and biting his tongue as much as he could. Me, I try to at least listen to a shpeal of bullshit and then never call the person back. So his receptionist/wife came in and went over the expenses, it would cost me over three thousand dollars to do this and a year of my time! oh but they had a great deal going on, put down half the money up front and they take off three hundred bucks! yeah right...

It just pisses me off. I went to that office because they were nice people, who seemed like they really could help me at a time where I was so lost and just so helpless, only to be scammed. I decided to call a physical therapy office in enfield, although they can't schedule me for a physical therapy evaluation until next Thursday she said she would have me meet with their chiropractor so I could get some relief. At that point I didn't even realize you could get relief from a chiropractor, I thought it was a "process." Also, before their chiropractors crack you, they loosen your muscles with like electodes and apply either ice or heat, because apparently, just cracking you isn't the most effective route to take. Anyway, I think that by taking action and strengthening the muscles in my back and neck, maybe getting a few massages and learning a few exercises at home, i'll be in much better hands and my wallet will be in much better shape as well.

Monday, February 11, 2013

It's been a little over three weeks now since I hurt my back, how I did it I still don't know. It started as a dull pain behind my eyes turning into a full on migraine by lunch time. Then a knot in my neck, then pain throughout my entire back, legs, arms, everywhere. its different everyday, but always present. I wake up, step outside with a cigarette and my coffee and slowly it starts creeping throughout my back, into my neck, down my legs, and evolves from there. I've missed a lot of work, I've tried going in a few days only to ask the pharmacist if I could leave early, after sitting on a stool most of my shift, then they look at me all irriatated and angry. I've been seeing a chiropractor but like he says it's a process and like he said to me today, it could be 12 weeks to 8 months before i'm feeling better, which really got me down. what really pissed me off was during my Friday shift, I didn't have to sit for most of my shift but I was in a lot of pain, but asshole pharmacist was on. I called my doctor, I had been out of pain meds for a few days because I had to take them more frequently then prescribed because of the level of pain. So he called them in for me. I filled them as a waiter. As the pharmacist is checking them, he can see im in pain, also he has about three other girls on with him, also there is a blizzard outside and the store is closing early. So instead of sending me home early, he checks them and says, "Stina, you script is all set," and goes on with his day. I couldn't believe him. then he sends another girl home early. I was pissed. It's vicodin, I cant take it and then drive through a blizzard, I was furious.

My chiropractor believes this whole condition was brought on by stress, mostly because of my job and once all of this is over, he really thinks I need to find a new one. Mark was going over our finances and also came to the same conclusion. But I don't even know where to start when it comes to finding a new job. I'm really starting to think i'm going to have to go on a medical leave of absence because i'm in so much pain, especially when I have to stand there for 9 hours a day. you are in that much pain. its also impaing my ability to even to my job, it's hard to concentrate when its causing a lot of other issues too. I cant sleep at night because i'm so uncomfortable. I cant eat, I've lost 11 pounds in three weeks, and the thing that scares me the most about that figure is the fact that I've been constipated for a lot of that time because of the pain meds so how am I losing this weight? im running out of options at this point, we don't have much money for me to continue seeing a chiropractor, and even though my parents offered us money, Mark and I aren't the types who take handouts. But it's kind of hard to concentrate on getting better when your working 40 hours a week with an unsupportive cast of assholes...

Saturday, February 9, 2013

It's called common sense

So my state get two feet of snow dumped on it last night, to the point where when I wake up this morning and I try to go outside for my morning cigarette and I can't open the door. I was supposed to work today, the first Saturday I've been scheduled in like six months or maybe even longer, figures, I get scheduled during a blizzard. well I text my manager asked if there is a delayed opening, I have no cable so I have idea what the road situation or anything is, I just know it has to be bad. no open until 12...then an hour later...1pm. Well, my situation looks pretty bad, I live two towns over from work. Also, when I look on line the governor didn't just close the highways, but all the roads in the state. Also, I hurt my back about three weeks ago and I cant touch a shovel, doctors orders, so I cant dig myself out of this driveway.

Well, the morning is carrying on and i'm expecting a text message declaring the store closed. There is no reason for it to open. why make us all drive out there, risk our lives, for no customers? There are twenty four hour pharmacies for people who need them, if they really really need them. It's called common sense, it's a Saturday, so only 3 techs and one pharmacist would be on, why open the damn place, make these four people drive out there for a five hour shift? well, the governor just declared the roads to remain closed until 6pm, my pharmacist cant even get out of his driveway and he cant even get to the store if he wanted to. My fiancé is still sleeping and hasn't even begun to shovel so even if they wanted me there, I ain't goin. but the common courtesy of a little common sense and text message saying store closed and not having make the governor declare, "NO DON"T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" would be nice...

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I started re-reading the happiness project because I really need to start my own. it got me thinking, it is almost impossible to undertake all the tasks that I want to do in big steps. Losing 40 pounds, planning an entire wedding, quitting smoking, finding a new job...doing all that is pretty damn difficult when there are so many other issues in my life that need to be addressed. I have a lot to be happy for and a lot that i'm not appreciating today. so I made a list, a list of tiny ways to improve my situation that if done consistently can get me a little closer to my goals without overwhelming me and forcing me to quit but make me happier in the long run.

  • Say no to five things everyday (a candy bar on my lunch break, that second cigarette on the drive home, watching one more episode of It's always sunny in Philadelphia before doing something important. Granted I have to remind myself that it is saying no to something bad, not saying not to the gym or eating my vegtables)
  • find a way to let it go (I let things my boss said to me, fights with my fiancé, stay with me for weeks on end and nibble away at me and fill me with unhappy, unhealthy emotions, no more, I need to forgive and forget)
  • do one physical activity for at least 20 mins daily (play dance dance revolution, lift weights while I watch tv, fuck, run around the house, anything. Eventually, I can boost the 20 mins to something longer and more beneficial for weight loss)
  • Walk it off (walking can boost energy levels and relieve stress. Also, i'm sure the puppy coming home next month would enjoy it.)
  • I don't need to talk shit or take sides (this one is mostly for work. there is so much bad energy in that place, we all talk shit about everyone, even people I consider friends. I need to just shut my mouth, do my job, and stop poisoning myself with this gossip)
  • At least 2 meals daily have to be healthy decisions (no dunkin donuts breakfast sandwich and stouffers mac and cheese for me)
  • take minimum 2 classes at the gym weekly (I was doing this and mark asked me yesterday if I had lost weight, I jumped on the scale, in two weeks I lost six pounds.)
  • eat first thing in the morning (this one is hard. I'm hypoglycemic, if I don't eat, my blood sugar drops and I get cranky and sick for the rest of the day. the issue? my stomach issues make it so I am not hungry for at least two hours after I wake up, my gag reflux does not allow that food to go down my throat. Just gotta force it down)
  • meditate 15 minutes a day
  • watch less tv
  • feeling frustrated? do something creative (write, paint ceramics, glue some pictures out of a magazine into a collage, anything)
  • write even if I have nothing to say (I read this in the artists way, you had to do morning pages, 3 hand written pages even if you had nothing to say to get the creative juices flowing. it was really helpful, until I stopped doing it..)
  • if I feel like pigging out or being lazy...avoid the first level of my house (just seeing that comfy couch and bowl of Christmas candy trigger my lazy senses)
  • bring a camera...use camera (I used to take pictures all the time, and because of that I have tons of pictures from good times with my friends. Now, Mark and I have barely any pictures together)
  • listen, don't wait for my turn to speak (this may be why I don't have a lot of friends and I hate conversation)
  • If I feel overwhelmed...shut off the phone (again, pertaining to work)
  • avoid facebook (it's a time sucker! a waste of time! and it makes you feel bad "Oh why can't I have as many friends as that person." or "they look like they are having an awesome time without me" shut it down.
  • be more open to meeting new people (I went to a few classes at my gym and I noticed after I left that I left myself completely unopen to conversation, I sat in the back of the room, scowl on my face and arms crossed, before classes started. I wouldn't talk to me either!)
  • if I have any doubts...don't drink (if im in a bad mood, haven't eaten enough that day, don't want to drunk call or text my to avoid the sauce)
  • keep a positive blog (im such a drag on this thing...I only open it up to vent, that's what my nice leather bound journal is for)
  • keep a food journal (keeping track of what I eat, can hopefully provide better eating decisions)
  • write it out, fold it up, forget about it (my boss pissed me off, my fiancé is a slob, I did something stupid, write every single thing that happened, how it made me feel, open up a bottle of wine and burn it in my firepit and forget about it, move on bitch)
  • remember, any positive step is a good step (I often forget the good things that happen to me or good things I have achieved, I let the bad decisions cloud the good so often)
  • clean before bed (i'll feel better getting ready for work if the house is clean and I wont feel so overwhelmed)
  • don't leave it for sunday (that mountain of laundry, my disgusting bathroom, mopping the floor, sunday should be for relaxation, not cleaning up Monday-Saturday clutter)
  • show love/appreciation. (i'm not the only one who needs positive feedback, mark does too, if someone does something nice, show how much it made my day)
  • live in the moment, forget about what is to come (so often, mark and I will be playing around but the only thing running through my mind is what i'm making for supper, my work schedule the next day, when im going to have my next cigarette, I need to cease these thoughts and enjoy what is happening in the now)
  • before driving home for work, leave it at work (this could possibly be when I do my daily meditation)
  • eat out less (its unhealthy and expensive. also, this sounds sexual...haha)
  • think before every purchase (I spend too much money, on stupid shit. do I need everything with hello kitty on it? do I need this pack of cigarettes? will the smoking meditation cd for 40 bucks really benefit me? will I use it?)
  • learn new recipes (soooo sick of the food I can cook!! this could be fun for me and mark, a nice challenge and rewarding. And not make me want to go out to eat all the time)
  • give something up
  • don't ignore primal needs (so often I put off or don't address whats bothering me, I need to go to the bathroom but I don't feel like it, im hungry but I don't want to cook. Not just toddlers get upset and cranky if they don't get enough sleep, get off your ass and do it!)
  • if I lose something, clean (I stole this from the happiness project. I will tear apart the house trying to find my keys, and before I run out the door see I made a massive mess, leaving me more frustrated than when I couldn't find what I was looking for. If I clean, not only will I find the item, everything goes back where it is supposed to (preventing future losses) and I achieved something)
  • have an indoor activity and outdoor activity with Mark (so often our spending time together is either going out to eat or sitting in front of the tv, not much time for a good conversation or bonding. I was thinking a board game, learning to play guitar in his jam room he worked so hard on, and golf. I love golf, i'll admit it)
  • if all else fails, write a list (I love lists, but I never follow through with them. but it is relaxing, getting all those racing thoughts of what I have to do or what I have done on paper)
  • read daily, even if its only before bed (I love to read and it's important to keep my mind stimulated, I need to fit it in my day more but not let it consume me like I used to)
  • everyone has negatives, concentrate on the positive (so often I will meet someone or talk to an old friend and sit there and concentrate on every negative thing about that person, making me dislike them. yeah this person has negatives, but what is good about them? I'm not the best either, unless there is something I cant get around (this person is a murderer) try my hardest to like them
  • let the sun in (we live in a cave, curtains always drawn, sunlight kills germs and promotes positive feelings, draw the curtains)
  • feeling sad? laugh, watch a funny cat video (so often I get sad and I want to remain feeling sad, nope, cant have that)
  • smoking is not the solution to boredom, hunger or sadness (my solution to everything, especially on the weekends is to smoke, "I don't know what to do with myself" smoke. "Im hungry but I don't want to cook" smoke. "My best friend hurt my feelings" smoke.)
  • don't wait for the phone to ring (why aren't they calling me? i'm so bored...why wont my friends call me? I have to make the first step sometimes too)
  • if it pops in my head, do it (nagging tasks. so often I realize I need to do something, like scrub that ring of filth out of my bathroom sink, it sits on my brain like a parasite until I finally get around to it hours later. just do it already and then I can forget about it)
  • don't wait for tomorrow (so often I say, Monday I start doing this. why wait another day to not do something and eventually just not do it anyway. start now, it takes 21 days to make something a habit, that's one less day where it's hard)
  • drink more tea
  • sing on my way to work and on my way home (to prevent traffic frustration, smoking and relieve stress. Also, so the world can hear my killer pipes)
  • if I want a cigarette, wait ten minutes (one day, i'll stop staring at the clock, get caught up in a task and a few hours will have gone by without even realizing it...then I quit eventually)
  • Xanax is not the cureall to all of lifes problems, neither is any other pill (I rely on pills for everything, stomach aches, head aches, sleep, depression. I need to find healthy solutions to these problems instead of popping a pill and hoping it will fix everything)
  • dump my psychiatrist, get a therapist (psych visit-no talk therapy, $40 copay. Therapist-someone who actually listens, $15 copay...its an easy decision)
  • scribble down all ideas, whter they sound dumb or not, better to remember a bad I dea then forget a good one
  • don't always say no to sex
  • if ive seen it, don't watch it (I have watched every American dad, king of the hill, south park, family guy...why do I still watch them daily)
  • use cash, not the debit card (yeah, its easy to spend with a card, but to actually count out that cash and watch it slip away, might prevent a lot of unnecessary purchases)
  • plan my wedding, ask for help if I need it, remember this is a good day (I've had so much trouble planning the greatest day of my life. I have very few friends, and was so wrapped up in the fact that I have no bridesmaids. why does that matter? I'm marrying my best friend, I don't need no bitches up there with me.)
What can you do to improve your life?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

enough is enough

I didn't look over my shoulder as I left last night, it was just the pharmacist and two girls who aren't trained. I felt bad but I tried not to, I had a zumba class to attend. the three people who called out yesterday, I wish it was their problem but I know my pharmacist will be pulling me aside and asking me why I didn't stay. because im done. because im done coming home and being this angry monster to my fiancé. i'm done weighing 185 pounds. I am done going the extra mile for assholes and being friends with assholes. im done not being appreciated. I am done living in anxiety attacks and needed Xanax to fall asleep and forget. I am done pacing this house, afraid, scared lonely and anxious, dwelling on stupid shit AND WORK!! this is not what I signed up for, this is not in my job description. I am not an executive, this is not a career. you wanna yell at me for not staying past my scheduled shift, fine. Im gonna go fucking live my life....

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

one of my best friends is marrying another one of my best friends...about a year ago she told me if they were to get married, i would be a bridesmaid...and apparently via facebook i saw she asked a bunch of people, i am not one of heart feels like it's ripped in two. i hate everyone.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

It's really hard having a house and a pinterest account. it makes your house look like shit. I have very limited funds and limited furniture. My bedroom is lime green walls, a bed and an end table. It was driving me crazy, so I wanted to go with some kind of oriental theme. I have tons of cherry blossom lanterns and Buddha stuff, so that's the theme I want to go with. The thing is, I don't use my bedroom for much except sleeping, (i have first floor laundry and bathroom, so I just shower and change in the kitchen and dont even bother bringing my clothes upstairs anymore) but when I have people over I don't even bring them upstairs, unless I want to introduce the guinea pig or show them the office. yesterday, I had enough. So I made a table out of two totes (filled with crap I will never need like a prom dress and my graduation gown) and threw a curtain over it that I don't use. It doesn't change the fact that my walls are ugly as hell but it made me feel just a little bit better.

I was pretty proud of myself today, I was in the mood to shop, so I drove around enfield to various craft stores and five below trying to find a project to work on or something pretty to put up, but even if something caught my eye, I looked at the price tag, assessed the damage it would do to my bank account, and came home with nothing but a couple packs of cigarettes. whatever, it was nice to get out of the house...yesterday was frustrating. Mark and I both had the day off. I cleaned almost all morning and afternoon, he slept until one, sat and played a video game all day, then called people and had them over, not even so much as a hello, and he didn't vacuum like I had asked him to. I didn't know what to do with myself, I got kind of antsy and just paced my house, every so often opening up pinterest to see everything that my house is missing. It wasn't a good feeling, so when he went to the package store I tried to take a bath. The most unrelaxing, frustrating experience. First off, our hot water sucks, so it was cold, also our drain appears to be broken, so I hop in and suddenly the water is getting lower and lower...until...poof, gone. I get out even more angry than when I got in and covered in bubbles. And the best part, as he walks in with his friends, apparently all the water from my bath was on the floor in the basement. so theres yet another issue we need fixed with money we do not have. I don't know why people recommend bubble baths, worst experience ever.

On my way home I stopped by my gym and picked up a class schedule, my goal, hit at least three classes this week after work. I'm thinking yoga and zumba. Something to get me out of the house, get my body moving, this angry mooded lifted, maybe meet some new people and get me feeling better. I go back to work tomorrow, and I have to work with my pharmacist that now hates me because I ratted him out to his boss, i'm not looking forward to it. he will either be passive aggressive, or pull me aside to give me a talking to, both outlooks are not good. the thing is, I really wish it wasn't bothering me so much, I think of him and tense up and I get so frustrated, I woke up at 4 in the morning last night, thought of him, got anxious, and couldn't fall back asleep. This is not good...I'm about to all my psychiatrist and have him write a note that I cant work in that store and need a transfer...yeah...wouldn't that be swell...

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

the most ridiculous phone call i have ever gotten...

I was scheduled to work until 3 today, so I did. Before I left, I waved goodbye to everyone so they knew I was leaving and my station needed to be covered and I left. I was at my in-laws when I got a phone call from my pharmacist. he chewed me up and spit me out earlier this week because I shut my phone off and didn't respond to texts asking me to come in on my day off, so I had to answer it. He used that angry tone, anyone who has worked at cvs knows this tone, and told me point blank that everytime I go home, I need to walk over to the pharmacist and discuss whether I can leave or not and that the next shift he's working he's pulling me into the office with the store manager. I was in shock, as he hung up on me. Really. I have to ask to leave at my scheduled time, even though he had plenty of staff on to get the job done, and never once even hinted to me that he wanted me to stay later, which he really cannot force me to do. I drove home immediately just, in tears from frustration. I didn't go to college because I didn't want one of those jobs that could call me at all hours of the day and night. I work retail, so i'm scheduled to work certain hours and leave at a certain time, so I can have, uh, a life? maybe?

I decided to cover all my bases, first with one of the managers up front so she could call the front store manager. Then my lead tech. Next a close co-worker to vouch for me. Then, I did the most drastic thing I could think of, I emailed my district manager. Something is seriously wrong in my store and has been ever since I can remember, but even people who have worked there for 12plus years say it has never been this bad. I mean really, to get to the point where I have to turn my phone off when I leave so this man can't call me and give me yet another panic attack, something is seriously wrong with that. and to yell at me because I left at my scheduled time, when earlier that day he was complaining that we were over hours, he should be thanking me for leaving on time and saving them time. the icing on the cake? I get a text later that night from another tech, bitchy blonde tech threw a FULL ON FIT in the middle of the pharmacy, pointing her finger in his face, screaming in front of the customers, throwing things around and slamming all the doors on the way out, yet does she get reprimanded for that type of behavior? in front of customers? are you kidding me?

My district manager showed little interest in my problem, blaming it on the beginning of the year insuance cards, flu and roll out of wecare but it is so much more than that, she even went to the point to ask why I didn't tell nate I was leaving. the man was on the phone, I know he clearly saw me wave to everyone and walk out the door. This is ridiculous. I will not push myself over the edge and leave it so I can't have a life for this shit hole...

...I was so desperate the other day I put in an application to walgreens...that's how bad this is...

Monday, January 7, 2013

new additions

I met my puppy for the second time this weekend. His eyes are still shut and he can't walk or anything but he got a little bit bigger, I cant wait until the end of February and we can bring him home. I'm worried about the adjustment, my two main concerns being Toots and Mark. Mark is really excited to have a dog of his own, he's never had one before but Mark isn't the type of person to be out of bed before noon for any reason other than work. I'm really really hoping that with the addition to our family, he takes the initiative to let the dog out and make sure he's fed. I'm worried about Toots because he's kind of a cocky jerk. Most of Toot's life he has been trapped in one bedroom or a one room house, when we moved in he became king of the castle, or so he thinks. I don't know how he's going to feel sharing his living space with a stinky puppy. I'm just excited to have someone to take walks with and give me kisses when I walk in the door (although I have toots and mark for that).

he's only about the size of my guinea pig right now, and looks like he has a lot more beagle in him then shibba inu which makes me nervous. I had a beagle growing up and that dog was trouble. I loved her to death but all she ever learned was how to sit, shake paws and escape. oh and eat out of the trash to the point where we had to leave it on the counter...

Marks birthday is today. We went to the casino yesterday, we didn't win and his friends who stayed in the hotel down the street neglected to call us over or show up until we were leaving, but we had a good time none the less. I felt bad, after Christmas and mortgage payment and wanting to go to the casino, we had no funds to buy him a birthday present. I feel bad because my dad's birthday is in December and he always got the short end of the stick because of holidays. I'm thinking of throwing Mark a half birthday in June to make up for 24 years of that shit, give him the birthday he really deserves.

It really sucks being at this age, I went against one of my new years resolutions and called a few people on Saturday, a lot of people just ignored my call, some said they would be over in a bit and never showed (Alison, you are not in either category, I appreciate you at least responding back to me :)) Anyway, the night ended with me in a fit of tears, kicking myself and asking why I try and shutting my phone off for two days. Which turned out to be a good thing because when I turned it back on today, I had a thousand phone calls and texts from cvs asking me to come in. Go figure, when I go back to work tomorrow it wont be the techs who called out that get yelled at, it will be me for not coming in on a day I requested off two months ago. Fuck it.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Ok, so I normally don't make new years resolutions, for obvious reasons, about 99.9% of people don't stick to them. This year though, I know I really have to, so why not have a jumping off point be the beginning of 2013? The thing is, there is plenty of stuff I've been meaning to do, need to do, but these are huge I will of course state the obvious.

1. I want to work harder on my appearance. Your standard Stina, has about five t-shirts that are in a rotation according to when I get around to doing laundry, you will see me in them consistently and also they aren't flattering and have strings coming off them and holes in unappealing places. Also, I throw my hair into a pony tail (not a nice, flattering one either) and my cheeks glow like Christmas trees. I've come to realize I might have rosacea or some other form of skin condition that would cause my cheeks to glow as if my grandma pinched them so tightly and without mercy. they drive me fucking insane. And to state the even more obvious, I have a beer belly that is getting crazy out of control. So...I've already gone out and bought prosacea for my face, 16 t-shirts for fifty bucks at Kohls (crazy sale, get over there while you can, $20 tops for like 3 bucks, it's a steal), a little bit of exercise (DDR), tapering off the Christmas candy and something I am generally against, but I'm wearing make-up. So there, involved in this one resolution is weight loss, eating better, taking better care of myself and making myself look fab. ta-da!
2. Reading more. I read a lot. like a ridiculous amount but it tapered off a bit at the end of the year after my original kindle broke, but my parents bought me a brand new Kindle fire HD for Christmas so no excuses...although that doesn't help with my next resolution which is...
3. stop spending so much goddamn money! I just bought a house, yet i'm still spending money like I'm living at home with my parents. It ranges from buying a book on my kindle, music on iTunes, random shit for the house....and drum roll....
4. Cigarettes!! god damn it, they need to go!! I can't breathe, i'm wasting money they could be used for a new car or an extravagant vacation or paying my bills on time, I would stop fighting with Mark, I could actually buy nice things for myself instead of going to the dollar bins, I'm out of shape, i'm exhausted...blah blah blah...I already know all this, they need to go because I don't want to be...
5. a smoking bride. My wedding is supposed to be this year and I haven't planned anything so basically I need to get my shit straight and figure out what it is I want. but the more I started thinking about it...the more I don't want a big wedding. Mark and I are starting to consider eloping so we can have a really nice honeymoon, because if we spend all that dough on a big wedding (that will most likely suck) whats left for a honeymoon? I want fucking luxury...I also don't want to throw a party with a bunch of assholes from my life who don't appreciate it.
6. Enter number six. Make new friends. at the end of last year after being pretty much fucked over and verbally abused by the people who used to matter most to me, I decided to say goodbye to those fucks. I get no appreciation from these people, they break my heart everytime I see them, and it's obvious that our friendship means more to me than it does to them. And to top it off, Mark is getting the same shit from his friends. We need new people in our lives...
7. Get a new job! I applied to four different pharmacies yesterday, even stooping as low as to apply at Walgreens. Significant pay cut...but to get me out of that store filled with lazy ass drama fucks, I'll take it.
8. Learn how to relax. I am so uptight, I obsess about fucking everything...I need to learn to fucking chill...without taking Xanax or smoking weed...
9. commit myself to something, and i'm starting to think that should be zumba, twice a week. I am one of those people who can't commit to anything, "Oh yeah, I'll totally help you move" and then avoid my phone all day. "I would love to take that class," or "Yeah, I'll work late on Friday" an "I'm sick" status on facebook to get out of anything. I need at least one thing, where when everything else falls apart, I have to do this.
10. build a better relationship with Mark. I'm marrying him and since we moved into his parents house, things have been rocky. A lot has happened and if I want our marriage to be my only one, we need to work thorough some shit.