Wednesday, March 23, 2011

god bless you trazodone

...The past few months have been really rough. I realize that on this thing I sound like a depressing bitch...and yes...lately I have been a depressing bitch but I feel like that is changing. Today, I realized that for the first time in like 7 months, i was happy. For no real reason at all. Generally on a day like this where i have to wake up at 7:30 and work and then have to two tests tonite, i would be stressed. I would be a bitch. I would freak out when i got the phone call from mark that he was going out this afternoon, but I didn't. I was funny, i was working hard, flitting about the pharmacy and getting the regester, and for the first time in a long time, i cared about my job. Fuck, i was even getting along with nate (for a short period). This anti depressent is literally saving me from myself. And today, being the first day that i felt like the desired effects had kicked in, i'm so pleased. With springtime on its way, I'm devoting this season to myself. To working hard on my life and getting myself to that lovely place Iwanna be. So what are my plans? Qutting smoking it a big one...i need an inhaler because my breathing has gotten so bad. I'm constantly tired and I know that when i quit before, i actually had energy in the morning. I want to be healthy so I'm not constantly sick anymore and missing work. For the past few days i havent been eating meat...and people are already saying I look like i lost weight. And heres the big one...i'm finding a new job. Because the only thing that tore me down off my cloud nine today was my manager. He finds this certain way to go from being an almost decent human being to making me feel like I've screwed everything up and my way of doing things isn't correct. I can no longer work in this type of environment and i'm willing to change that and get rid of my benefits if that means I'll actually be happy. I got a heads up that a restaurant nearby may be hiring. I'm thinking maybe a waitressing job would be good for me. Getting tips and working with a whole new set of people, with a whole new beginning...a clean slate. Because i have such a bad rep where i work because i call out too much...but you know what..i'm not getting into that.

I'm tired of being unhappy and being this person I dont even recognize anymore. I used to be quirky, I was funny and sarcastic and danced through life freely and openly. So for the next few months, fuck everything, fuck emotions...I'm living my life.

Friday, March 4, 2011

So i'm taking a page out of Alison's book and posting the things i am grateful for and also throwing in random things that make me go like this :). Things are finally starting to look up on this end. I started seeing a psychatrist and she put me on trazodone. It's been a week and I've had no side effects aside from a bit of drowsiness. Also, for the first time in three months I've gone almost a week without an anxiety attack and my racing thoughts are begining to slow down. I also have not cried...i can't believe it. It could be a sort of placebo effect because i know these meds take time to get the full effect but whatever it is, i'm happy(well i'm getting there). I've also began seeing a counseller and i'm hoping to plow through these emotional insecurites and I'm hoping that I'll have my life on track in due time. So here is my list, i warn you, it might get a bit lengthy...

My mom
My kitten
pokemon cards
having a car
guinea pigs
natalie portman
bob dylan
laughing until i start snorting
my nintendo dsi
star wars
charlie brown holiday specials
getting my nails done, hair did or eyebrows waxed
reading kurt vonnegut
being so moved from a song that i cry
my kindle
my ipod
animal planet
the poem "Howl"
going to school
Hello kitty
techno that makes me dance in my seat
Trips to cape cod
menthol cigarettes

...ha...i feel pretty good...