Monday, December 20, 2010

I just don't know how much longer I can hold my head up. I dont know how much longer I can ignore it and wait to go numb because i dont think the numbing is going to happen this time. I'm just going to feel this whole thing as it winds out. I got home after picking mark up from work. All i did yesturday was smoke weed with my brother and put up christmas decorations, which turned out to be a horrible disapointment where no one was happy and we didnt even turn on the tree when we were through. I got home and saw the car i will soon be driving in the neighbors driveway and took it for a spin. very nice. but then i got home to call my mom about her taking me to get a loan this week. I have been calling her REPEATEDLY to make it official that we are going. She started yelling in my ear about how this was a bad idea and she was pissed at mark...while mark was standing right next to me. He's not coming to christmas eve now. And to further ruin my christmas, mark ordered my present on amazon with my email address and they sent the confirmation. Him being completley computer illiterate did not realize this happens. So i'm getting a kindle with a hot pink cover which is very nice and i'm very happy about it but that still ruins all the surprise and fun from the holiday. i figured it was best not to tell him and ruin his christmas as well.

I finally couldn't take it as mark and i argued and i couldnt do anything to make it better. and thoughts were racing through my head and i had no control over them and i cnat fix anything and whatever i think is his fault, he reassures me it isnt...and i dont know...i crashed. just this total crash where i just couldnt take it and all i did was cry until i took two xanax...then i just stared off into space and fell asleep....and i slept for 16 hours. From when i picked him up from work at four until this morning at 9am...and when i get through with work today, which will be a miserable disaster in itself where i'll be pissy and sad and run off to the bathroom to cry a couple times, i plan on coming home and repeating the process. If i cant make myself stop feeling sad, then i'm going to sleep through the pain....i'm done...

No comments: