Thursday, January 13, 2011

i found this on my computer, it made me angry so i posted it

I've done a lot of incredibley stupid things when i was young but my relationship with your was by far the worst thing i could have done to myself. the relationship started on both sides the wrong way. I went out with you because there was no one else around. i decided in my mind that i could find you attractive and that you were good enough for me to settle with. you lied your way into my heart by tearing lines from movies you had seen and saying you've been layed before so it would be ever apparent to me that you weren't the outcast that you really were. I destoryed myself from the very begining by chain smoking cigarettes to drinking to the point of blacking out with you. You made me drive every night, drunk as hell bringing you home because you were too lazy to get your licence at the time. I quit my job because you got arrested for fighting your dad. you lied constantly, smoked weed behind my back and flat out lied when confronted, only to find a peice of bud clinging to your tshirt and your fingers dirty from rolling blunts. I tried so many times to leave you, cried about it constantly that i wasnt being treated right but i couldnt let go because i let myself rely on you and you let me do it. I know i'm not supposed to blame others but you knew what you were doing clearly. Do you remember the night we sat at the boat launch? you stole a bottle of dust off from the cvs you used to work at and we had no where else to go. We sat in my car with jack johnson playing on the stereo, huffing puff after puff until the can was gone and smoked pot out of that bowl you kept in your pocket. I was so high i hadnt even noticed the snow falling harder and harder, leaving my car half buried. We left the battery on for so long that the car died and we were too stoned to call our parents for help. We stood in the snow for almost an hour, lucky as shit that friends came by to start the car up. With the worst migraine i've ever had i stood in teh snow, staring out at the water, refusing to smoke more...why didn't i take this as i sign? Why didnt i see how damaging this was? How many brain cells did i kill in that night alone? How many all together in the year and a half we were together? I abandoned my personality, i drank and smoked weed because that was your world and that was my only way to be some part of your world. What the fuck did i do? What the fuck did i see in you that made me actually stick around as long as i did? i had sex with you as much as i could just to hope that somehow that spark you felt with me before would be rekindled. you would give me just one little bit of hope that college wouldn't destroy us. i heard the comments all the time, "Why are you with him? he treats you like shit. your always way more fun when he isnt around" and i let it allll continue. i let you take me to that breaking point where anxiety riddled my body and i was forced to ask for reassurance every second of every day. knowing how annoying it was to ask the same questions and hear the same answers...why lie to me? Why let me drag through that entire summer, watching pivotal moments of your life unfold while you stood emotionless and i was the one actually feeling the moments. Your graduation? You were more excited to get the fuck out of there because leaving meant you were smoking pot. I was the one who cried because that was the time you were suppossed to reflect on your life up to this point, look how far you'd come? this may be the last day you see any of these people. you felt nothing. You treated every individual as pawns you had to get around to get to more pot and more beer. Thats all your life is and the few people close to you dont even know you, they've told me. It makes me laugh to know i'm most likely the only person in the world who actually knows you. I actually know your manerisms, how you do things, how you act, why you where what you wear, that you actually fucking care A LOT about people thinking your cool and that your sarcasm is a defense mechanism, not because your actually funny. But i dont know why you do things, you never let me in enough to actually understand that. And being the only person on this entire planet that acutally knows you. That reallly knows fucking sad it is that i hate you more than any other person i've ever known?

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