new years 2010

This year really hasn't started out great. I thought 2010 was the worst year of my life but i'm very fearful that this year truely will not be any better. Which is why i decided to make a new years resolution this year, something i truely dont believe in doing but have to do for the sake of my santiy. It's simple really, to get a handle on my depression and change my attitude on life. I'm missing out on everything it feels like, what could be great moments with my boyfriend, i spend bitching or crying...i'm sick of it but i really dont know the best way to go about this whole thing. I have the number to a psychaitrist my md strongly suggested me go see. I went to the gym today for the first time in about 4 months and i really do feel a bit better...i have a lot more energy today too, which has been a big issue for me lately. I can make it about 8 hours and then i'm just exhausted, i cant keep sleeping 10 hours a night. I also need to do this because at the end of the month i go back to school and i'll be taking 5 classes on top of working full time at cvs. So i really need to get a handle on this stress so this doesnt turn into last semester. I think i'm done trying to get myself on medications for the time being as well...none have worked for me and they make my life twice as hard when i attempt to get myself adjusted to them. I'm going to try this diet and exercise thing. I'm going to try to walk into work or school and not instatnly think "only 8 more hours till i get to go home" and just at least attempt to enjoy being where i am. I think this would be a little easier if i just got a new job...comcast i'm assuming wasn't pleased with my resume because i never got a call back.

I didnt really start this year optimistically. We went to marks friends house, drank 2 beers and then his friend passed out. We went back to his parents house and continued to drink in anger mostly, and mark passed out 1 minute before midnight. I dont know why but i sat on the floor by the bed watching the confetti sprinkle onto time square and i was balling my eyes out. literally sobbing...wondering if this was going to be a good year or the year i off myself...the only positive thing i could think of was that it gave me inspiration for a short story...which i guess is why i'm still here. I'm just done living like this...especally after what has happened in my town. Two guys, around my age both died in this week alone. Lets just say i can't log onto facebook without seeing a few posts about them and a lot of my friends are really upset. My heart goes out to them and to the families of those who are in this time of mourning. But it's also been a wake up call to me. Life is short....i have no idea how much time i or anyone else truely has...i dont want to have anything to regret...