Wednesday, March 23, 2011

god bless you trazodone

...The past few months have been really rough. I realize that on this thing I sound like a depressing bitch...and yes...lately I have been a depressing bitch but I feel like that is changing. Today, I realized that for the first time in like 7 months, i was happy. For no real reason at all. Generally on a day like this where i have to wake up at 7:30 and work and then have to two tests tonite, i would be stressed. I would be a bitch. I would freak out when i got the phone call from mark that he was going out this afternoon, but I didn't. I was funny, i was working hard, flitting about the pharmacy and getting the regester, and for the first time in a long time, i cared about my job. Fuck, i was even getting along with nate (for a short period). This anti depressent is literally saving me from myself. And today, being the first day that i felt like the desired effects had kicked in, i'm so pleased. With springtime on its way, I'm devoting this season to myself. To working hard on my life and getting myself to that lovely place Iwanna be. So what are my plans? Qutting smoking it a big one...i need an inhaler because my breathing has gotten so bad. I'm constantly tired and I know that when i quit before, i actually had energy in the morning. I want to be healthy so I'm not constantly sick anymore and missing work. For the past few days i havent been eating meat...and people are already saying I look like i lost weight. And heres the big one...i'm finding a new job. Because the only thing that tore me down off my cloud nine today was my manager. He finds this certain way to go from being an almost decent human being to making me feel like I've screwed everything up and my way of doing things isn't correct. I can no longer work in this type of environment and i'm willing to change that and get rid of my benefits if that means I'll actually be happy. I got a heads up that a restaurant nearby may be hiring. I'm thinking maybe a waitressing job would be good for me. Getting tips and working with a whole new set of people, with a whole new beginning...a clean slate. Because i have such a bad rep where i work because i call out too much...but you know what..i'm not getting into that.

I'm tired of being unhappy and being this person I dont even recognize anymore. I used to be quirky, spontanious...fun. I was funny and sarcastic and danced through life freely and openly. So for the next few months, fuck everything, fuck emotions...I'm living my life.

2 comments:

Alison said...

Hi darling! I just want to let you know that Mercury is in retrograde right now, and when it goes into retrograde all kinds of shit hits the fan. I'm so glad you've decided to look for a new job, but do it once Mercury comes out of retrograde--April 24th. Any new things (relationships, projects, jobs!) started during this time period usually don't last! Good luck!

the Music of the Night said...

I'm so glad that you finally found something that works for you! I know it has been rough trying to find a good balance!
I wish you lots of luck on your adventure to happiness! I'm sure it will be amazing! and if you need anyone to talk to along the way! I'm here for ya! I wish you the best of luck in your job hunt as well!, not that i wouldn't miss you at CVS, but, I completely completely understand and hope life outside of CVS would be awesome!!