Friday, June 22, 2012

hibernation mode

It's official, i am going into hibernation mode. I am not going to make attempts to reach out anymore. I not going to attempt to be friends with anyone. I will not find a house because the one we found was perfect and FHA took it away from us. i will not go out with anyone because then I'll drink and be an asshole. i will not got out and find another job even though i'm slowly beginning to hate the one i have. I will not work out. I will eat fast food. I don't care. I have reached my ultimate point of apathy and numbness, or at least I'm almost there...

I will not go over the events of this week because I still don't even want to think about it or what may have happened. I am leaving myself in the dark and will eventually wash the towels i vomited all over on saturday night. I will continue to walk into work with my shitty mood and allow it to spread to all my fellow employees because i have watched it happen all week long. At this point, and from clariffication from other people, including those closest to me, i am not worth it. And I can just tell. Like how two weeks ago, when my mom let me drink with her, even though she knows i have a problem, my brother getting in a fight with me, and my father of all people lets me drive home shit faced out of my head. Mark says they love me but they have shitty judgement. I say, i am the one who made them that way. I obviously have no regard for myself or others and dont give a shit, and say i'm going to do things, or not do things in this case, and do them anyway. Oh this time will be different i always say, but it never is. I never learn. And it's not just the alcohol thats the problem, its me as an entire person. Mark made that perfectly clear. My parents do. His family does. My so called friends have. I dont change, i never learn, and apparently I'm fucking lazy. So fuck it. I'll work. I'll come home. If i ever get a house, which feels like never, i'll clean it. But you know what, after that I'm taking my xanax, im eating whatever the fuck i want and i am passing out. I give up. I dont care. or actually i do care about everyone else, and thats why im still fucking here...

I have never felt so shitty in my entire life. I could have had a nice, ideal weekend, but i go and ruin it. I ruin everything, I've ruined every goddamn fucking moment in my life. It's not worth it. I have never been happy. I never will be happy. I quit.

1 comment:

Mary Jo said...

hey! There will be other houses, and you can get another job. Come work with me and ALison!! It's not so bad there.
As Far as this weekend, I'm sorry it went so far, I should have remembered and not asked you to go drinking. But Before the end of the night, It was an awesome Day! Books galore, Beach time, and burritos the size of your face!
I'm sorry you didn't get your house, that sucks a lot, but maybe it wasn't the right house for you. Things happen for a reason, sometimes it is bad luck, other times it comes out to be a blessing.
Hang in there! Call me sometime love.