Thursday, July 12, 2012

I was working today when my mom, grandma and ashley came into the pharmacy. Earlier this week my mom was faced with an issue. They just sold their house and were supposed to be moving into my dads cousins apartment because she could no longer afford it. Last minute, she finds a job and says she is staying. My parents closing date is like, next monday. So suddenly, they are homeless and fucked over. They look around and find an apartment but they can't move in until like august first, which means boarding with family until then, which sucks. The downside of all of this? the apartment doesn't allow cats. My parents have two cats, each weighing in at a whoping 20 pounds each. They have to live in my parents bedroom because their other cat is an evil territorial bitch. Their bedroom smells like the inside of dumpster. When these cats take a shit, you wake up gagging, it's literally disgusting. They have to clean the litter box like 3 times a day and it still smells.

i get a phone call from my mom and she asks me when my closing date. "August 1st" and she asks me if i would be able to take the cats. I didn't know what to say. I kept changing the subject and just said, "I'll talk to mark about it." Well i talked to Mark and got an immediate know. Now i dont know if this makes me a terrible person, but i was semi relieved. I had no idea where we would put these things. And we have plans to get a dog when we move out and I'm also going to have office guinea pigs. Count that, if i took these cats that would be six pets. Six mouths to feed and pet and take care of. Flash back to today, i still haven't talked to my mom. And there her and company are standing at the register. And she asks me, "So did you talk to him?" and she says it in that cautious, i already know what your going to say voice so i find it will be easy to break it to her, at least, that's the impression she gave me. Her demeanor changes immediatly, "He's a fucking selfish asshole, I'm sorry but he is."  I say something around the lines of i can try a little harder but it's a lot of responsibility and we just can't do it. My grandma backs up and my mom throws her hand in my face and says, "I can't even look at you right now," and storms out of the pharmacy. Flash to me running the bathroom and throwing up my lunch because I am so anxious and feel so guilty? but why do i feel so guilty? I call my dad, thinking he might side with me. My mom had called him first.
"I'm not too happy with mom right now" i tell him
"Well she's not too happy with you."

A semi shouting match at drop off ensues as I'm telling him reasons why we can't keep them and he's telling me i have to. Then he says he was planning on paying my car loan and credit card off once they sold the house, he said my late payments are dragging down his credit score. He told me to bribe mark and say that he'll do that if we take the cats. I say I'll try, fighting back tears and hang up. I just felt bombarded. Anytime i'm around anyone, they just always have someway of telling me absolutly everything i'm doing wrong with my life. Everything i do is wrong. Everything i say is wrong. every decision i make is wrong. I guess i'm just a selfish peice of shit according to everyone. Today at work was just one of those days where i felt even more like shit when i left because i couldn't get anything done. I was so anxious, so upset, so sick to my stomach, i couldnt bring myself to pick up the phone or count a fucking prescription. i felt useless.

Well i come home and talk to mark, leaving out how rude my mom was to me, and brought up the bribe. He still said no. he said "let them blame me I dont care, i don't want them. And they guilted you so bad that your sitting here trying so hard to convince me to let you take them in even though i know you don't want them. They asked you a favor, you can deny a favor. dont let them make you feel bad about it."

he also brought up a major concern i have been having...they really haven't been treating me that great lately. I've been having these nightmares lately, not like snakes or people dying nightmares, emotional, anxiety ridden nightmares. In these dreams i am hopeless, only conscious of a bottle of xanax in my pocket. I can never get out of situations, i'm crazy, people treat me weird, i am either about to be committed to a mental hospital or i jsut got out of one. I am a nusance because my family seems to have to care for me in these dreams. My mom is unemotional towards my condition. She's always there but completly calm and cool when shit starts to fall apart. It just reminds me of everytime i try to talk to her, she has depression too, she knows what it's like and whenever i try to talk to her about it she changes the subject or says, "you have to snap out of it." and being one the only people i have in my life, it's just really difficult not being able to talk to her about it. And in these dreams, I'm always just a disapointment to my dad. He won't talk to me, even when i'm screaming bloody murder at him, he doesn't even acknowledge that i exist. I've been wondering the past few weeks what that meant until i called him this afternoon and got no reassurance from him, just negativity. Like it is true. I am just a disapointment.

I feel so helpless. It wasn't until last night that i brought the dreams up to mark. He said the dreams remind him of when i drink too much, especially the last few times. He brought up the near overdose in february and how they had me on the stretcher and i lay there screaming that i wanted it to stop. I was terrified and had forgotten completly how i had gotten there. I just wanted it all to just go away, be undone, and have mark take me home and go to bed and have things be back to they way they were. I realized these nightmares started after my last drinking excusion, i lost hope after that, i lost everything. i lost all control of my life, i became numb, i gave up.

I second guess everything. Everything that happens to me causes an upsurge of these horrific thoughts, everything feels broken, i can't fix anything. There are flaws in every part of my life, no matter what i do or what i don't do. I have sat back everything night, reconsidering every relationship i have and whether i want to continue that relationship. My relationship with my family has become selfdestructive. All we do is drink together. I mean for god sake, i went to my moms house last saturday at 7:30 at night, she had to be in bed by 9. She offered me a twisted tea in the matter of 10 minutes of being there. she even went as far as to count how many she had (6) and wondered if it was enough. An hour and a half of drinking and your concerned there won't be enough? are you serious? And why start drinking an hour and a half before bed? Can you really not talk to me unless you have a buzz on? And hello, your daughter has a serious drinking problem!!!

I know they love me. i know some of my friends still love me. I know people care...but do they care enough? do i care enough? I just no longer see the point in trying. Everyone an asshole. I used to love meeting new people. i used to love going out and talking, but you know what, over the past few years, everyone i talk to doesn't seem to care what i say. no one hears me. no one is real anymore and i dont know if i've changed or they have...

1 comment:

Mary Jo said...

that is pretty crummy of your folks. Don't let it get to you. I know that is easier said than done, but it does work. I can speak from experience, when I say it can be better to get space from your family.
I hope you know that it is ok to fall behind, mess up, and get off track, you are human, not a robot. Humans, by their nature are beings of mistakes. You have to try and embrace your mistakes, and move on from them. Again, easier said than done.
SOme people in our lives are toxic. It hurts to cut them out of your life, I have had to do that on more than one occasion, and you feel crummy at first, but eventually when you can breathe in a cleaner, fresher air, and can rise above the suffocation, you will see it was for the better. If you want to, after you get things going your way, and "clean out your system" you can introduce them into your life in small doses and ssee how it goes.
Hang in there my dear, I know you are strong, I know you will find happiness, just don't give up, and call me if you need to talk. <3