happy birthday to me

I had the most amazing birthday a girl could ask for. Mark bought me a keurig, the best one out there and i am absolutly in love with it! And also in love with the fact that i no longer have to leave 20 mins early for work and buy a 3 dollar coffee at dunkin anymore. We met with our realtor and saw 5 houses, we fell in love with one house, a split level. Hardwood floors, breakfast bar, sliding door to the deck and amazing kitchen. A few stairs leading to the basement, with a door leading to a two car garage, then more steps down to another basement. Oh my god it was magnificent but unfortunatly the roof needed for be redone as well as windows and siding, totaled to about $20,000 worth of work. :( what a disapointment. So we found nothing that day, but we're getting out there and it's great. My parents threw me my first birthday party in i can't tell you how long. It was perfect. They bought olive garden, chicken parm and a gallon of chicken gnoche soup (yummmm) and while everyone else feasted on that, i was special and got my own dish, stuffed chicken marsala. They even bought a frank sinatra cd and a tuscan cd to play while we ate, while the house was decorated with green and red streamers (get it...Italy). They got me a giant hello kitty balloon and the most adorable hello kitty cake. I love my parents, i couldn't ask for a better family, it was perfect and i could not tell them how grateful i was for all the trouble they went to. In all i banked about two hundred 70 dollars from the fam. My mom bought me new martini glasses from party lite, i dont know how she found them because they were discontinued and i unfortunaly broke all three of mine but i was so grateful to have them back and they smell wonderful. Then we had a family game of wiffle ball on spellman field, i was on a team with my 7 year old girlie cousin, who was more interested in cheerleading, and my cousin with down syndrome, but i doubled my efforts and kicked butt.

Thursday, mark and i went to Newport, RI. We stayed in a lovely hotel right on the water and walked around the town all day. We had sushi for lunch and found the most amazing finds at a vinyl record shop, we had to have spent over $100 bucks on records alone but it was so worth it. I found "And out come the wolves" by rancid, a minor threat album and "Freaky stylie" by the red hot chilli peppers. Score. And we found a pair of pink handcuffs at the army store which were put to use quick haste in our hotel room. But you didn't need to know that ;). We walked about 5 miles to the casino, which was a bust. Took our first cab ride ever because i was not walking another 5 miles home. And had the most amazing meal i've ever had in my life at the Red parrot. Oh my god, their french onion soup had soooo much cheese and bread and wasn't salty at all, like every other place i get it. I had tilapia stuffed with lobster, smothered in lobster sauce. To die for, and even had big lobster claws stuffed in it. For dessert, Chocolate ice cream with brownies, chopped walnuts, peanut butter sauce, hot fudge, smothered in whipped cream. Oh. My. God. We ended the day with a quick dip in the salt water pool which we had to ourselves and it was lovely.

Friday, we went to the zoo in providence. I love the roger williams zoo!!! By far, my favorites were the river otter, zebras, giraffes, elephants and the most cuddly looking red panda of all time. We went in the amazon room and for some reason there was no fense between us and this tiny monkey. i generally hate monkeys, can't trust 'em, but we were so close to this little guy he was chirping at mark and before a bunch of yelling children came by, he almost jumped to him. It was fantastic. And in the gift shop while i tried to decide between the red panda and river otter stuffed animals, mark scooped 'em up and bought me both. I love them, although i told myself i would not buy anymore stuffed animals on this trip. I can't help myself. Their so cute!!

I feel so grateful. For my family and Mark. They made this the greatest birthday i could ask for. It was just too much. i dont know what i did to deserve all these great things from these people but i'm so fucking happy.

so things over here have been great. Well, that is up until today, but i will get to that. First off, I've been walking almost everyday. It hasn't gotten a lot easier, especially on those 4 mile walk days but I'm making progress. And just putting my body into motion about 5 days a week has proven to be effective, for both boosting my mood and i even think i see a little bit of fat coming off my midsection which makes me realllllly happy. Diet wise, i haven't been doing that great. Ramen noodles are still a main staple in my diet but i stopped eating those stouffers mac and cheese meals out of the freezer at work and replacing them with lean cuisines. Also, i've been eating protein bars in the morning instead of a blueberry muffin at dunkin. Not the best meal choices but hey, it's an improvement. I've been doing work with this book called, "The artists way", it's a six week course that helps you unleash your inner artist. One of the tasks is having to write 3 hand written pages every single day, even if you have nothing to say. I haven't written everyday or written the 3 pages every single time either but i have been keeping up with it and it has been very helpful. Along with the other tasks, i see this turning out well. I've been reading a lot about happiness as well. I finished the happiness project and moved onto the art of happiness by the dalai llama. And this book is full of great advice. And just the act of thinking and reading about happiness, MAKES ME HAPPY, it's amazing what a difference these little changes have been making. I've also been reaching out more and i never realized how easy it could be. I started texting with my friend shanna regularly, and i've seen her a few times in the past week. I went for a walk with my friend traci from work. I've spent time with my mom, not drinking, and instead walking or going out to dinner and it's great because we can still talk! i've been considering filing my fafsa soon and going back to school in the fall. I want to get out of cvs, i want to become a therapist. I know it's a lot of school but i just keep telling myself how much better off i will be in a few years. I could have my own office and help people and have a job i really love. A job that plays on my strong personality traits, like my compassion. i could do something that makes me happy and also the fact that i'd be making more than 16,000 dollars a year would be fantastic too! I just would be so much more financially stable if i had a career instead of a job. My parents are about to put their house on the market. They have owned their home for about 16 years, and after all this time and even me moving out they are still struggling! My dad says they are no better off than they were 16 years ago. Because they never went to college, they work jobs that pay shit. I don't want that for myself and mark. And this is all very important because.....

WE HAVE ENOUGH CREDIT TO GET A HOUSE!!!! We have good enough credit to get a $140,000 house! This is really happening! We met with a realtor this weekend and have basically been looking at houses non-stop. Seriously, if i'm not online looking at houses, i'm in the car trying to find these places. Our financial advisor told us best case scenario, we can be out of here in 2-3 months. This is fucking awesome. This is really happening, i never thought this day would ever come. But the joy was short lived because soon mark did the math and said, "baby, your spending over 2 grand a year on cigarettes ALONE!"

Oh my god, out of the 7 years i have smoked i never looked at it that way. i never looked at that number. Thats like another bill. I still have a grand left to pay on my car loan. If i didnt smoke, that shit would be paid off by now. Imagine, how selfish i felt when i realized this is why im always broke, this is why i havent been able to contribute much to our savings. Oh my god. And it wasn't just that. I went to my therapist last week and we had and EMDR session, i really cannot explain to you what EMDR is, you'll have to look it up. but as my mind was going the topic of self care popped up in my head. And i started thinking about the fact that other people, like my mom or mark, can really care about me but that can't control how i treat my body or what i put into it. They may care soooo much about my wellbeing but they can't force me to quit smoking so i don't get cancer or make me stop eating junk food so i stay healthy and don't get sick. Only i can do that, only i can take care of myself, i am the only person who has to love myself enough to get these behaviors to stop. The whole process was fantastic, i got so much more out of it but smoking kept coming up in my head and i kept pushing it aside, pushing it aside, knocking it off like it didn't matter. but it does. A lot. So today, April 30th, i woke up, smoked two cigarettes in a row and then tore up my last one. I threw on a nicotine patch and said goodbye to my closest friend for the past 7 years. It has not been an easy day for me.

There have been a few positives i did not expect to see. Like work for example, I warned everyone to watch out for me, but i was in a really good mood and things that would usually bother me, didnt. I was shocked that the time actually went by faster when i wasn't going outside every hour or two to smoke. I was more patient because i wasn't staring at the clock wondering when the next chance i was going to have to go outside again. It felt really good. Granted, driving was difficult. Taking my half hour lunch was difficult. Having my friend call me and cancel my plans to go walking was hard because it forced me to go home, which i was trying to avoid because i chain smoke when im home and bored. I just never realized how much i think about smoking. I am constantly thinking about it, especially now that i can't. It's amazing how much something so stupid and pointless can have so much control over my life. But enough, i want to control MY life.

One last thing before i wrap this up. I realized another thing through all these things i've been doing to make myself happier, they have made my relationship with Mark soooo much better. Last night we watched a nature show and i just sat on the floor while he stroked my hair and i can't put into words how content with the world i was...

my happiness project

I started reading the happiness project this weekend because i had heard some good reviews about it. Although, to give the writer the benefit of the doubt, there are some good bits of advice in the book but it's not exactly what i was expecting or what i have been looking for on my path toward happiness. For one thing, the writer does not know what it is to be depressed. in fact, she writes from a point in her life where she is in a career she loves (a writer), with a husband she loves, children she adores and is already happy but realizes one day she could be HAPPIER. All the big decisions of life seem to already be sifted through, like going to college for a certain degree and getting a career. This isn't what i'm looking for as my life needs a complete overhaul in just about every department. I'll finish the book anyway but it's only got me thinking about what needs to be done in my life. I've tried making elaborate lists of what i need to do but i stick with it for a day or two and its back to the old routine i go. But i'm wasting my life. Work, sleep, read, eat bed.. what kind of life is that? where nothing is being achieved, i'm not being challenged, i have too much time to sit and dwell on whats not being done that i get so overwelmed i decide doing nothing is better than completing one or two tasks. So i'm starting small, and began today.

It wasn't a particularly good day. My energy levels are completly drained. I have bronchitus and even with the 60mg of prednisone and my large dunkin iced coffee, i find myself faltering around 3pm. I went to bed around 11:30 last night and slept until 12pm! And still i felt as though i had no energy to speak of. But i forced myself out of bed, no matter how much my body and mind nagged me for more sleep. Marks family is away for the weekend and mark worked today so i took advantage of this time in the house to myself. Just me, toots and the dog. So i started cooking. I made a pasta salad and a chilli dip. I watched one of my favorite shows, took some time to sit on the deck and read my kindle. Then i challenged myself. Any physical activty lately is a huge feat for me. We went to the batting cages and hit some golf balls yesturday and i came home ready for a nap. So today, i grabbed the dogs leash and i took him for a walk. I told myself it would be short, up the side street, a bit down the side walk and than back down our street home. But by the time i reached the top of pierce, pirate seemed in a good shape and i asked if he wanted to keep going, he seemed keen to the idea. So i headed to the next street over, walked down it, looped around and back up the side street, then back down the side walk and home. Had to have been at least a mile or two and what a difference it did for me. I was sweaty and my legs hurt but i had energy. i was awake. And my mind felt so much clearer than it has in so long. And after that, i started weeding out my room, getting rid of clothes, clearing the clutter, and i already feel better with the fewer distractions sitting mockingly all over my shelf space.

So i've decided, since at this point in time i cannot make that commitment to get myself to the gym, than a walk about the block before or after work it is. And it's nice because i have my furry companion to come along with me. Instead of making a massive list of things that need to be done in my life, i've decided taking on at least one new challenge a day, no matter how small, building up to the big stuff. Maybe if i see little improvments, the big stuff will come along easier.

I just don't identify with this book though. This person didn't have nearly half of the shit i have to tackle. I have to quit smoking, find a career i want to pursue, go back to school, get nationally certified, find a job i love, get organized, get more exercise, eat better, stop eating ramen noodles everyday, lay off the candy, build a better realtionship with my boyfriend, find a group of friends that works for me and embrace those relationships, get my energy levels up to par, keep appointments and stop backing out of engagments, take up a hobby, go through that huge folder of guitar tabs and actually learn them, write more, keep a journal, tend to this blog more and make it a better space, use my camera, watch less tv, manage my money better, get a fucking house, build a fucking family....it's so much....

But one step at a time baby! I can do this and one thing i did learn from this book that i've never really looked at before is this, it's not the destination that really matters. i need to be happy with the journey, because it's not the future that really matters ,even if i accomplish these goals, more issues will arise, more things will need to be figured out...i need to be happy NOW!

grant me the serenity

I'm not really sure how to place my feelings at this moment. All i can really say is the thing that happened in october, happened again, much much worse this time. And as i've been trying to work through this and figure out what comes next, as i did survive the experience, i dont know what i want. I'm alive and thats for a reason ,because my family cared enough to call an ambulance even when i told them to let me just die. I know this all happened because of alcohol. Ok, maybe not entirely, the depression and anxiety and the way i handle my life are equally to blame. but i dont know where to go from here. I dont know how to get over what i did, the people i hurt, it's almost embarassing. The way i acted...it was horrible and i think the worst part is not remembering. And when anyone tries to talk about it, i can't, i really just cant. i dont want to know what i said, i dont want to know how i broke the cabinet door or my moms ceramic elephant. i dont want to remember the medics name who i forced to hold my hand in the ambulance because i was scared. I dont want to know how my mom told the rest of the family on the phone or what i had done before she screamed at me, "Look at what you've made me do! I had to call the cops on my own daughter!"

I've wanted to cry, a lot these past few days. i've wanted to talk about it, but i can't. I've wanted to write about it but it's so hard to get the words out. It's hard to figure out how i fix this mess i've made my life into. It's been years in the making. And when i finally hit rock bottom, it was exactly how i imagined it to be. After every other drunken, embarassing, close to death moment i've had, i live with the embarassment, this constant anxiety poking at me, never failing to show it's ugly face even in my happiest of moments. but when i hit the bottom, and woke up to the sounds of the hospital, wearing that gown and having no idea who changed me, and lying there alone...the fear was there, the anger, the sadness...everything...but it wasn't knawing away at my insides slowly. i could feel it, i could recognize it but it wasn't killing me. And for the first time i knew i had to do something. Because i've spent the past two years of my life, lying on my back, afraid to act, giving up anything if it was to hard. trying to convince myself that if i was still making it into work then i was fine. but i was not fine because even though i wasn't at the point where i was missing work because of my depression, i still wasn't doing ANYTHING. i complain i have no friends, but i dont put in the effort. i dont write because im embarassed about what im saying. i dont play guitar anymrore because im always saying im not good enough. i dont speak to anyone unless i have a drink in my hand. i come home and i lie in bed and a take a few xanax and wait impatiently to fall asleep, because my life is so much easier in dreams.

I have put no effort into my life. i eat mcdonalds like everyday. i haven't worked out in almost six months. I dont want to do anything...and thats how i got myself to that point. that point where i felt as if i had nothing to live for, as if there was no reason to keep going. And with no faith in religion or a higher power, i left myself with nothing to turn to.

So what now? I saw my psychiatrist twice this week, got in contact with my therapist and made an appointment, made an appointment with a drug and alcohol abuse professional and will be attending my first AA meeting tomorrow. I've missed a bunch of work and they are all probably furious with me, and i am worried about losing my job, but i need this time becuase i have not given myself this time in years. I am taking care of myself. I am putting myself on some form of path to recovery. And i dont just mean recovery from being an alcoholic or my depression. I am putting myself on a path where i actually try, where i actually live my life. Where i can actually finally see things, actually grasp them and appreciate the beauty that life is. I have not stopped and actually enjoyed life in so long i can't remember what it even feels like to live. I feel like i have a very long road ahead of me, where nothing is certain. I am not making any promises to myself this time because i never stick to them. All i know for certain is that my relationship with alcohol is over. It has done nothing good for my life and over the past few years has only made me a worse off person than i already was. I am hoping to come out of this experience in a few years a more well rounded person. My only goals at this point being to make myself a healthy person, so i can enjoy life to the fullest. and by healthy i mean both physically and mentally. I hope to come out of this experience with a few friends, and i realize i have not tried hard enough to actually maintain friendships over the years....unless i'm drinking. I hope to find some form of outlet for all these pent up emotions whether it be in the form of writing, painting, music...whatever but i cant leave it all bottled up inside me anymore. because when that first sip of alcohol gets into me it comes pouring out in a not so glamourous fashion....

I dont know if i'll ever drink again. i dont know if im in that position where i can say im done with it FOREVER. I dont know if i'll become one of those people who during a champaigne toast drinks apple juice. I dont know....all i know is i need to go a few years without it but i dont think i'll ever have that off switch in my head that tells me "that's enough" after one or two drinks. I'm so unsure of everything right now...my future and my relationships...my work situation...whether in a few months i'll decide to go back to school or if i'll ever have the strength within myself to get out of cvs. i dont know...usually i'm so focused on the big picture but for the first time in my life i'm not thinking about those major things. I kind of just feel like i broke a glass and instead of picking up the larger pieces first and vacuming up the tiny little slivers....i'm picking up those little slivers first, and even if they are the pieces that tend to make you bleed...i dont know. The little things are important too, maybe most imporatant for all i know. i guess the time for apologies will come soon. I hurt a lot of people, people who i can't believe i had the ability to hurt. And for the first time since this happened i was finally able to stay to myself today, "I tried to kill myself and it didnt work. and although i don't believe in god or a higher power, i am here for a reason. It wasn't my time yet so its about fucking time i make the most of it"

I've discovered tumblr thanks to marks sister, i'm hooked. http://cspell.tumblr.com/

what happened to stina?

I don't know when this all started. I suffered from depression for a long time but i always got over it, got myself out of it somehow. I experienced at least some bit of joy in my life. I used to live my life with this motto, "live fast and experience everything. hold your loved ones close and never forget the things you've been through or the journeys that got you there"(something to that effect) and now i can't even relate to it. I did things with my time, i had friends, i went on adventures, i left nothing but footprints and took nothing but photographs. I was silly, a drunk but a fun drunk. And now when i drink i turn into this monster i don't even recognize. This monster who sucks the fun out of every shindig, who cries or throws up everytime. I miss my life. I miss living. I miss myself.

I used to have this great personality. I used to be the person who had a story for just about everything that happened to me. I did things! I once had a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend. I once went to rave and took ectasy and break danced with some random black guy. i once almost got hit by a train and laughed about it. i once got in school suspension and wrote an erotic novel while i was there. i once made out with 18 girls in one night because i turned 18. i was in an all chick punk band called toxic shock syndrome and played a show at the webster theatre. I met my boyfriend at the end of a driveway at a party my ex-boyfriend dragged me to. And when my ex told me he wanted to fuck around, i showed him up by making the move on the future love of my life, in front of him. I was brave. I didn't give a fuck what people thought or how stupid i was because i was living my fucking life. Now i worry every word i say. Now no one listens to me. Now i have no motivation. now i don't have any friends. My friends were once my life. We had this crew, we were called the Krispy Krew. We played kickball and met up at the krispy kove every weekend. We ran shit, threw parties, invited whoever, popular, loser, jock, slut...and i was accepting. for the love of god, i could accept anyone for any of their flaws and in fact, love them for it. I got along with everyone. I had people in my life i thought i would never lose. Like colin, bass and kevin. The four of us were like family. I was like a second mother to those kids. I chauferred them around, i paid for their shit, i fed them. i held their hair back when they threw up(and yes i had to because all these kids had shoulder length hair). or my toxic shock syndrome girls, ginny, missa and mindy. Me and mindy have been friends since we were three years old. but now, everyones too busy with their lives and i understand that and i've come to accept it. But what i can't accept is the fact that I haven't moved on with my life. I thought i did, i used to get along with marks friends, they started to feel like mine, but he made it a point to not let them become my friends. They weren't real because the second we break up, those people are gone too...

Let's face it, over the past couple years, i've lost my mind. I've become weak and scared. Too afraid to go out into the world, i creep around every corner, i walk on egg shells. When i drink, i can't squash myself down because i'm fighting to break free. But when i finally break free i'm embarassed for a week after and feel horrible for letting myself out...

All i do with my life now is hang out over at my moms house because thats where i feel comfortable. And work my ass off because i have to. And sit in front of the tv with my boyfriend because thats all he does with me. Scroll facebook but never say anything. And i look forward to coming home so i can light candles and sit here alone...

there has to be more to life than this...there has to be some way of reclaiming bits and peices of that person i once was or becoming the person i want to be.

I have little faith in healthcare officials. i lost it at my psychatists office this morning. I called yesturday and conviently she wasn't in the office, as fucking always. I was having panic attacks all night sunday and all day monday. I needed something and the only thing i had to take is a fuckign antihistamine that is supposed to help with nervousness. It's garbage and does nothing. So i got no help from her. i called my doctors office and he was no help either, because he wouldn't fill anything for me either. So i went into my appoinment with my psychiatrist this morning, still feeling the same. And she starts in on the fact that i'm not in therapy and she starts yelling at me about it. I don't need this shit. Then she refuses to fill something for me. I told her i understood that i'm supposed to be in therapy but i can't fucking afford it. I spend 100 dollars a month alone on prescriptions and it costs me forty bucks just to see my psychiatist for 15 minutes a month. I don't have the fucking money for this shit. So she refuses to fill anything for me to calm down on the grounds that i'm not in therapy. Well i'm having a fucking breakdown, i'm losing it. My stomach is in knots and i can't eat or sleep, what does she expect me to do? Fucking call my therapist and go in right then and there? Long story short, i stormed out of there. She left me with the only option which was to go to the hospital, which i didnt do and why 48 hours later i'm still sitting here anxious as fuck.

i will never see this woman again, i dont care how long it takes me to find a new psychatist, she has been nothing but trouble for me since i first started seeing her. People with mental health conditions need to be able to get a hold of theres psychs. They should be able to get something to fucking calm down when they need. They shouldn't be sent to the fucking hospital every fucking time they have an anxiety attack. She should be the least bit capable of talking to me so i can calm down, and she proved today when all she said was, "The tissues are over there," she can't do that. fucking bitch.