It's official, i am going into hibernation mode. I am not going to make attempts to reach out anymore. I not going to attempt to be friends with anyone. I will not find a house because the one we found was perfect and FHA took it away from us. i will not go out with anyone because then I'll drink and be an asshole. i will not got out and find another job even though i'm slowly beginning to hate the one i have. I will not work out. I will eat fast food. I don't care. I have reached my ultimate point of apathy and numbness, or at least I'm almost there...
I will not go over the events of this week because I still don't even want to think about it or what may have happened. I am leaving myself in the dark and will eventually wash the towels i vomited all over on saturday night. I will continue to walk into work with my shitty mood and allow it to spread to all my fellow employees because i have watched it happen all week long. At this point, and from clariffication from other people, including those closest to me, i am not worth it. And I can just tell. Like how two weeks ago, when my mom let me drink with her, even though she knows i have a problem, my brother getting in a fight with me, and my father of all people lets me drive home shit faced out of my head. Mark says they love me but they have shitty judgement. I say, i am the one who made them that way. I obviously have no regard for myself or others and dont give a shit, and say i'm going to do things, or not do things in this case, and do them anyway. Oh this time will be different i always say, but it never is. I never learn. And it's not just the alcohol thats the problem, its me as an entire person. Mark made that perfectly clear. My parents do. His family does. My so called friends have. I dont change, i never learn, and apparently I'm fucking lazy. So fuck it. I'll work. I'll come home. If i ever get a house, which feels like never, i'll clean it. But you know what, after that I'm taking my xanax, im eating whatever the fuck i want and i am passing out. I give up. I dont care. or actually i do care about everyone else, and thats why im still fucking here...
I have never felt so shitty in my entire life. I could have had a nice, ideal weekend, but i go and ruin it. I ruin everything, I've ruined every goddamn fucking moment in my life. It's not worth it. I have never been happy. I never will be happy. I quit.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
amusing stories from Boston
A note before i begin this entry. i am not usually a petty person. I get over shit fast, especially if someone has the balls to appologize to me. I can easily forgive people, with few exceptions, 6'8 boyfriend would fit in that category. Unless i just realllly realllly don't like you, and generally my only reason for not liking someone is because they are a terrible person, inside and out. And this person fits into this category and you will probably feel the way i do after reading this entry.
So Monday Mark, his band of friends and I went up to Boston to see Rancid. It was a splendid day, nice weather. mark and i hit the aquarium and had an $70 lunch and bought a ton of new Vinyl records. We bought half pints of booze and drank by the water, (my first time drinking since february and it went well for those who were wondering). We walked over the House of Blues about a half hour before the show, which is RIGHT next to fenway park, which i have never been to, so I'm in my glory. Anyway, a friend of mine, Vanessa, was supposed to come with my mortal enemy, stephanie. Well when stephanie turns up, Vanessa isn't there and has instead brought our buddy Tom. Now, i have nothing against Tom, in fact out of all of Marks friends, Tom is one of my favorites but then it dawns on me, "Oh shit, we're the only two chicks. The guys are going to be moshing and shit and Mark is going to expect me to stand with Stephanie all night.FUUUUUUUCK!!"
Why do i dislike Stephanie so much? Let me put it this way, in 7th and 8th grade, her and her little fucker friends, who i had never spoken to, had no similar friends and didn't even know what they looked like until the yearbook came out, decided to harasss me MERCELISLY I MIGHT ADD, on aol instant messenger...for MONTHS. Ok, I had done nothing to these people to provoke this kind of attention and i ended up having to rat on them and almost get them arrested for this horrible bullying to stop. I was devestated. i mean if they had known me or i tried to steal a boyfriend or i was a bitch to them, something to validate this bullying it wouldn't have hurt so much, BUT with absolutly no reason behind it, it killed me. And the icing on the cake, i run into stephanie and her crew a few years later, and they don't even remember harrassing me. WHAT THE FUCK! They made my life a living hell and didn't even remember doing it. Stephanie's friends quickly appologized but it took her twenty minutes of me saying, "just appologize and it's cool" for her to finally give me a half assed, "I'm sorry."
The thing that i love the most about this story is she used to be incredibly popular with tons of friends. And FINALLY over the years people started to realize what a dumb asshole she is and no one wants to hang out with her and no one likes her. And she is CONSTANTLY trying to regain that former glory and attention from guys and her tight group of evil chick friends and she can't do it. And it's so entertaining to me.
So over the years, when i run into her I have been seeking my revenge. Revenge generally isn't my thing but the thing is, she's such a dumb bimbo, SHE MAKES IT SOOO EASY I CAN'T RESIST! And she's afraid of me too, so it's fucking awesome. Instance number one, she throws a party at her house after Mark and I first start dating and I go to her house and get hammered. I mean hammered, i start wandering around the party making up blatant lies about her and spreading them all around the house. I stole booze from what i can only assume was her parents stash. I fucking went in every bathroom in her house and put every single toothbrush in the toilet, spit on her deodarant, eyeliner pens thrown in toilet, anything i could think of. And the worst part, i don't even feel bad about it. With anyone else, i would feel some remorse, but with her, those scars run deep and karmas a fucking bitch. Plus, it's so hard to feel sorry for her when you hear her talk, that nasally, girly, "Heeeeeeeeyyyyy" voice, you know the one.
So, here i am in the House of Blues, and i lose our entire group of guy friends at check in and I'm stuck with her. Fuck...i need beer...fast. that soco is not going to last me all night. So, we go get beer. And i try to avoid her at alllll fucking costs, but it's just not working out. While we're outside having a cigarette she says she thinks the bassist in Mark's friends band is hot. She's been hitting on the guitarest all night, but i like him so I don't want to screw him over and a plan dawns on me. From rumors i had heard, Zach is a man whore and I would pay good money to see this. So I corner zack while she's getting her like 7th beer.
"Yo zack, Stephanie says she wants your balls. She said your wicked hot, you should make a move on her."
(this is word for word i swear to god) And that's all it took. I went out for a cigarette and Mark comes out to tell me they were making out full on and he was feeling her up. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm standing with his friend's and as they are all cracking up I fucking go "I did that! I made this possible!"
And the "Poor Zach" comments are made but mostly everyone is patting me on the back. Then literally, not even 10 minutes after Zach comes up to our group and says, "I better not hear any shit out of ANY of you on the car ride home." He already regretted his decision. And, i later found out that right before he went in to kiss her asked her, "Do you have herpes?" Seriously, for any other girl, that would be a slap in the face, not for Stephanie. She simply answered no and kissed him.
So periodically during the night she would have to run to the bathroom (typical drunk chick, every 5 minutes) so she'd leave her beer with me. At least 3 times I'd down her beer and make up some excuse, "Oh somebody took it," or "It fell over". Anyway, Rancid is about to come on and Mark wants to mosh but his overprotectivness knows no bounds. he says to me, "Stay with Stephanie off to the side, I don't want you going in the pit." And I nod and say yup...ok...sure. Rancid comes on and when Mark isn't looking, i ditch dumb bimbo and bolt for the mosh pit. It was amazing. i was throwing dudes around twice my weight, and having an amazing time. Gradually throughout the set, i made my way to the front, taking no prisoners. Shoving people aside and being rude as hell but goddamnit, THIS IS RANCID! Midset, i was against the barrier in front of Matt Freeman, the bassist and screaming the lyrics to my hearts content. It was the most amazing show i've ever been too. Any other concert, I'm standing there thinking "When is this going to be over...i wanna sit down...i want a cigarette...it's hot and i'm sweaty and this sucks" Nope. This show felt like it only lasted 15 minutes, it was amazing. I couldn't feel my ribs slowly being bruised by the metal barrier or my voice slowly going into non-existance. It was wonderful. The end of the show they throw out the drumsticks and goddamnit, i had the damn stick in my left hand before some bitch grabbed it and disapeared into the crowd. It was so heartbreaking.
We all end up outside, drenched in our own and other peoples sweat, bruised, winded, and as for myself without a voice. Stephanie finally emerges....two songs in she got kicked out of the show. She traveled two hours to the city to see this concert and she got kicked out. And then, as we're walking to our cars, in the middle of a public sidewalk, she stops, pulls her pants down and pisses IN PUBLIC on the sidewalk and then makes tom drive home because she's so hammered.
All in all, it was the greatest show I've ever been to in my life and reafirming the fact that i am awesome and she sucks makes me happy. Even though i know it shouldnt....
So Monday Mark, his band of friends and I went up to Boston to see Rancid. It was a splendid day, nice weather. mark and i hit the aquarium and had an $70 lunch and bought a ton of new Vinyl records. We bought half pints of booze and drank by the water, (my first time drinking since february and it went well for those who were wondering). We walked over the House of Blues about a half hour before the show, which is RIGHT next to fenway park, which i have never been to, so I'm in my glory. Anyway, a friend of mine, Vanessa, was supposed to come with my mortal enemy, stephanie. Well when stephanie turns up, Vanessa isn't there and has instead brought our buddy Tom. Now, i have nothing against Tom, in fact out of all of Marks friends, Tom is one of my favorites but then it dawns on me, "Oh shit, we're the only two chicks. The guys are going to be moshing and shit and Mark is going to expect me to stand with Stephanie all night.FUUUUUUUCK!!"
Why do i dislike Stephanie so much? Let me put it this way, in 7th and 8th grade, her and her little fucker friends, who i had never spoken to, had no similar friends and didn't even know what they looked like until the yearbook came out, decided to harasss me MERCELISLY I MIGHT ADD, on aol instant messenger...for MONTHS. Ok, I had done nothing to these people to provoke this kind of attention and i ended up having to rat on them and almost get them arrested for this horrible bullying to stop. I was devestated. i mean if they had known me or i tried to steal a boyfriend or i was a bitch to them, something to validate this bullying it wouldn't have hurt so much, BUT with absolutly no reason behind it, it killed me. And the icing on the cake, i run into stephanie and her crew a few years later, and they don't even remember harrassing me. WHAT THE FUCK! They made my life a living hell and didn't even remember doing it. Stephanie's friends quickly appologized but it took her twenty minutes of me saying, "just appologize and it's cool" for her to finally give me a half assed, "I'm sorry."
The thing that i love the most about this story is she used to be incredibly popular with tons of friends. And FINALLY over the years people started to realize what a dumb asshole she is and no one wants to hang out with her and no one likes her. And she is CONSTANTLY trying to regain that former glory and attention from guys and her tight group of evil chick friends and she can't do it. And it's so entertaining to me.
So over the years, when i run into her I have been seeking my revenge. Revenge generally isn't my thing but the thing is, she's such a dumb bimbo, SHE MAKES IT SOOO EASY I CAN'T RESIST! And she's afraid of me too, so it's fucking awesome. Instance number one, she throws a party at her house after Mark and I first start dating and I go to her house and get hammered. I mean hammered, i start wandering around the party making up blatant lies about her and spreading them all around the house. I stole booze from what i can only assume was her parents stash. I fucking went in every bathroom in her house and put every single toothbrush in the toilet, spit on her deodarant, eyeliner pens thrown in toilet, anything i could think of. And the worst part, i don't even feel bad about it. With anyone else, i would feel some remorse, but with her, those scars run deep and karmas a fucking bitch. Plus, it's so hard to feel sorry for her when you hear her talk, that nasally, girly, "Heeeeeeeeyyyyy" voice, you know the one.
So, here i am in the House of Blues, and i lose our entire group of guy friends at check in and I'm stuck with her. Fuck...i need beer...fast. that soco is not going to last me all night. So, we go get beer. And i try to avoid her at alllll fucking costs, but it's just not working out. While we're outside having a cigarette she says she thinks the bassist in Mark's friends band is hot. She's been hitting on the guitarest all night, but i like him so I don't want to screw him over and a plan dawns on me. From rumors i had heard, Zach is a man whore and I would pay good money to see this. So I corner zack while she's getting her like 7th beer.
"Yo zack, Stephanie says she wants your balls. She said your wicked hot, you should make a move on her."
(this is word for word i swear to god) And that's all it took. I went out for a cigarette and Mark comes out to tell me they were making out full on and he was feeling her up. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm standing with his friend's and as they are all cracking up I fucking go "I did that! I made this possible!"
And the "Poor Zach" comments are made but mostly everyone is patting me on the back. Then literally, not even 10 minutes after Zach comes up to our group and says, "I better not hear any shit out of ANY of you on the car ride home." He already regretted his decision. And, i later found out that right before he went in to kiss her asked her, "Do you have herpes?" Seriously, for any other girl, that would be a slap in the face, not for Stephanie. She simply answered no and kissed him.
So periodically during the night she would have to run to the bathroom (typical drunk chick, every 5 minutes) so she'd leave her beer with me. At least 3 times I'd down her beer and make up some excuse, "Oh somebody took it," or "It fell over". Anyway, Rancid is about to come on and Mark wants to mosh but his overprotectivness knows no bounds. he says to me, "Stay with Stephanie off to the side, I don't want you going in the pit." And I nod and say yup...ok...sure. Rancid comes on and when Mark isn't looking, i ditch dumb bimbo and bolt for the mosh pit. It was amazing. i was throwing dudes around twice my weight, and having an amazing time. Gradually throughout the set, i made my way to the front, taking no prisoners. Shoving people aside and being rude as hell but goddamnit, THIS IS RANCID! Midset, i was against the barrier in front of Matt Freeman, the bassist and screaming the lyrics to my hearts content. It was the most amazing show i've ever been too. Any other concert, I'm standing there thinking "When is this going to be over...i wanna sit down...i want a cigarette...it's hot and i'm sweaty and this sucks" Nope. This show felt like it only lasted 15 minutes, it was amazing. I couldn't feel my ribs slowly being bruised by the metal barrier or my voice slowly going into non-existance. It was wonderful. The end of the show they throw out the drumsticks and goddamnit, i had the damn stick in my left hand before some bitch grabbed it and disapeared into the crowd. It was so heartbreaking.
We all end up outside, drenched in our own and other peoples sweat, bruised, winded, and as for myself without a voice. Stephanie finally emerges....two songs in she got kicked out of the show. She traveled two hours to the city to see this concert and she got kicked out. And then, as we're walking to our cars, in the middle of a public sidewalk, she stops, pulls her pants down and pisses IN PUBLIC on the sidewalk and then makes tom drive home because she's so hammered.
All in all, it was the greatest show I've ever been to in my life and reafirming the fact that i am awesome and she sucks makes me happy. Even though i know it shouldnt....
Monday, May 14, 2012
happy birthday to me
I had the most amazing birthday a girl could ask for. Mark bought me a keurig, the best one out there and i am absolutly in love with it! And also in love with the fact that i no longer have to leave 20 mins early for work and buy a 3 dollar coffee at dunkin anymore. We met with our realtor and saw 5 houses, we fell in love with one house, a split level. Hardwood floors, breakfast bar, sliding door to the deck and amazing kitchen. A few stairs leading to the basement, with a door leading to a two car garage, then more steps down to another basement. Oh my god it was magnificent but unfortunatly the roof needed for be redone as well as windows and siding, totaled to about $20,000 worth of work. :( what a disapointment. So we found nothing that day, but we're getting out there and it's great. My parents threw me my first birthday party in i can't tell you how long. It was perfect. They bought olive garden, chicken parm and a gallon of chicken gnoche soup (yummmm) and while everyone else feasted on that, i was special and got my own dish, stuffed chicken marsala. They even bought a frank sinatra cd and a tuscan cd to play while we ate, while the house was decorated with green and red streamers (get it...Italy). They got me a giant hello kitty balloon and the most adorable hello kitty cake. I love my parents, i couldn't ask for a better family, it was perfect and i could not tell them how grateful i was for all the trouble they went to. In all i banked about two hundred 70 dollars from the fam. My mom bought me new martini glasses from party lite, i dont know how she found them because they were discontinued and i unfortunaly broke all three of mine but i was so grateful to have them back and they smell wonderful. Then we had a family game of wiffle ball on spellman field, i was on a team with my 7 year old girlie cousin, who was more interested in cheerleading, and my cousin with down syndrome, but i doubled my efforts and kicked butt.
Thursday, mark and i went to Newport, RI. We stayed in a lovely hotel right on the water and walked around the town all day. We had sushi for lunch and found the most amazing finds at a vinyl record shop, we had to have spent over $100 bucks on records alone but it was so worth it. I found "And out come the wolves" by rancid, a minor threat album and "Freaky stylie" by the red hot chilli peppers. Score. And we found a pair of pink handcuffs at the army store which were put to use quick haste in our hotel room. But you didn't need to know that ;). We walked about 5 miles to the casino, which was a bust. Took our first cab ride ever because i was not walking another 5 miles home. And had the most amazing meal i've ever had in my life at the Red parrot. Oh my god, their french onion soup had soooo much cheese and bread and wasn't salty at all, like every other place i get it. I had tilapia stuffed with lobster, smothered in lobster sauce. To die for, and even had big lobster claws stuffed in it. For dessert, Chocolate ice cream with brownies, chopped walnuts, peanut butter sauce, hot fudge, smothered in whipped cream. Oh. My. God. We ended the day with a quick dip in the salt water pool which we had to ourselves and it was lovely.
Friday, we went to the zoo in providence. I love the roger williams zoo!!! By far, my favorites were the river otter, zebras, giraffes, elephants and the most cuddly looking red panda of all time. We went in the amazon room and for some reason there was no fense between us and this tiny monkey. i generally hate monkeys, can't trust 'em, but we were so close to this little guy he was chirping at mark and before a bunch of yelling children came by, he almost jumped to him. It was fantastic. And in the gift shop while i tried to decide between the red panda and river otter stuffed animals, mark scooped 'em up and bought me both. I love them, although i told myself i would not buy anymore stuffed animals on this trip. I can't help myself. Their so cute!!
I feel so grateful. For my family and Mark. They made this the greatest birthday i could ask for. It was just too much. i dont know what i did to deserve all these great things from these people but i'm so fucking happy.
Thursday, mark and i went to Newport, RI. We stayed in a lovely hotel right on the water and walked around the town all day. We had sushi for lunch and found the most amazing finds at a vinyl record shop, we had to have spent over $100 bucks on records alone but it was so worth it. I found "And out come the wolves" by rancid, a minor threat album and "Freaky stylie" by the red hot chilli peppers. Score. And we found a pair of pink handcuffs at the army store which were put to use quick haste in our hotel room. But you didn't need to know that ;). We walked about 5 miles to the casino, which was a bust. Took our first cab ride ever because i was not walking another 5 miles home. And had the most amazing meal i've ever had in my life at the Red parrot. Oh my god, their french onion soup had soooo much cheese and bread and wasn't salty at all, like every other place i get it. I had tilapia stuffed with lobster, smothered in lobster sauce. To die for, and even had big lobster claws stuffed in it. For dessert, Chocolate ice cream with brownies, chopped walnuts, peanut butter sauce, hot fudge, smothered in whipped cream. Oh. My. God. We ended the day with a quick dip in the salt water pool which we had to ourselves and it was lovely.
Friday, we went to the zoo in providence. I love the roger williams zoo!!! By far, my favorites were the river otter, zebras, giraffes, elephants and the most cuddly looking red panda of all time. We went in the amazon room and for some reason there was no fense between us and this tiny monkey. i generally hate monkeys, can't trust 'em, but we were so close to this little guy he was chirping at mark and before a bunch of yelling children came by, he almost jumped to him. It was fantastic. And in the gift shop while i tried to decide between the red panda and river otter stuffed animals, mark scooped 'em up and bought me both. I love them, although i told myself i would not buy anymore stuffed animals on this trip. I can't help myself. Their so cute!!
I feel so grateful. For my family and Mark. They made this the greatest birthday i could ask for. It was just too much. i dont know what i did to deserve all these great things from these people but i'm so fucking happy.
Monday, April 30, 2012
so things over here have been great. Well, that is up until today, but i will get to that. First off, I've been walking almost everyday. It hasn't gotten a lot easier, especially on those 4 mile walk days but I'm making progress. And just putting my body into motion about 5 days a week has proven to be effective, for both boosting my mood and i even think i see a little bit of fat coming off my midsection which makes me realllllly happy. Diet wise, i haven't been doing that great. Ramen noodles are still a main staple in my diet but i stopped eating those stouffers mac and cheese meals out of the freezer at work and replacing them with lean cuisines. Also, i've been eating protein bars in the morning instead of a blueberry muffin at dunkin. Not the best meal choices but hey, it's an improvement. I've been doing work with this book called, "The artists way", it's a six week course that helps you unleash your inner artist. One of the tasks is having to write 3 hand written pages every single day, even if you have nothing to say. I haven't written everyday or written the 3 pages every single time either but i have been keeping up with it and it has been very helpful. Along with the other tasks, i see this turning out well. I've been reading a lot about happiness as well. I finished the happiness project and moved onto the art of happiness by the dalai llama. And this book is full of great advice. And just the act of thinking and reading about happiness, MAKES ME HAPPY, it's amazing what a difference these little changes have been making. I've also been reaching out more and i never realized how easy it could be. I started texting with my friend shanna regularly, and i've seen her a few times in the past week. I went for a walk with my friend traci from work. I've spent time with my mom, not drinking, and instead walking or going out to dinner and it's great because we can still talk! i've been considering filing my fafsa soon and going back to school in the fall. I want to get out of cvs, i want to become a therapist. I know it's a lot of school but i just keep telling myself how much better off i will be in a few years. I could have my own office and help people and have a job i really love. A job that plays on my strong personality traits, like my compassion. i could do something that makes me happy and also the fact that i'd be making more than 16,000 dollars a year would be fantastic too! I just would be so much more financially stable if i had a career instead of a job. My parents are about to put their house on the market. They have owned their home for about 16 years, and after all this time and even me moving out they are still struggling! My dad says they are no better off than they were 16 years ago. Because they never went to college, they work jobs that pay shit. I don't want that for myself and mark. And this is all very important because.....
WE HAVE ENOUGH CREDIT TO GET A HOUSE!!!! We have good enough credit to get a $140,000 house! This is really happening! We met with a realtor this weekend and have basically been looking at houses non-stop. Seriously, if i'm not online looking at houses, i'm in the car trying to find these places. Our financial advisor told us best case scenario, we can be out of here in 2-3 months. This is fucking awesome. This is really happening, i never thought this day would ever come. But the joy was short lived because soon mark did the math and said, "baby, your spending over 2 grand a year on cigarettes ALONE!"
Oh my god, out of the 7 years i have smoked i never looked at it that way. i never looked at that number. Thats like another bill. I still have a grand left to pay on my car loan. If i didnt smoke, that shit would be paid off by now. Imagine, how selfish i felt when i realized this is why im always broke, this is why i havent been able to contribute much to our savings. Oh my god. And it wasn't just that. I went to my therapist last week and we had and EMDR session, i really cannot explain to you what EMDR is, you'll have to look it up. but as my mind was going the topic of self care popped up in my head. And i started thinking about the fact that other people, like my mom or mark, can really care about me but that can't control how i treat my body or what i put into it. They may care soooo much about my wellbeing but they can't force me to quit smoking so i don't get cancer or make me stop eating junk food so i stay healthy and don't get sick. Only i can do that, only i can take care of myself, i am the only person who has to love myself enough to get these behaviors to stop. The whole process was fantastic, i got so much more out of it but smoking kept coming up in my head and i kept pushing it aside, pushing it aside, knocking it off like it didn't matter. but it does. A lot. So today, April 30th, i woke up, smoked two cigarettes in a row and then tore up my last one. I threw on a nicotine patch and said goodbye to my closest friend for the past 7 years. It has not been an easy day for me.
There have been a few positives i did not expect to see. Like work for example, I warned everyone to watch out for me, but i was in a really good mood and things that would usually bother me, didnt. I was shocked that the time actually went by faster when i wasn't going outside every hour or two to smoke. I was more patient because i wasn't staring at the clock wondering when the next chance i was going to have to go outside again. It felt really good. Granted, driving was difficult. Taking my half hour lunch was difficult. Having my friend call me and cancel my plans to go walking was hard because it forced me to go home, which i was trying to avoid because i chain smoke when im home and bored. I just never realized how much i think about smoking. I am constantly thinking about it, especially now that i can't. It's amazing how much something so stupid and pointless can have so much control over my life. But enough, i want to control MY life.
One last thing before i wrap this up. I realized another thing through all these things i've been doing to make myself happier, they have made my relationship with Mark soooo much better. Last night we watched a nature show and i just sat on the floor while he stroked my hair and i can't put into words how content with the world i was...
WE HAVE ENOUGH CREDIT TO GET A HOUSE!!!! We have good enough credit to get a $140,000 house! This is really happening! We met with a realtor this weekend and have basically been looking at houses non-stop. Seriously, if i'm not online looking at houses, i'm in the car trying to find these places. Our financial advisor told us best case scenario, we can be out of here in 2-3 months. This is fucking awesome. This is really happening, i never thought this day would ever come. But the joy was short lived because soon mark did the math and said, "baby, your spending over 2 grand a year on cigarettes ALONE!"
Oh my god, out of the 7 years i have smoked i never looked at it that way. i never looked at that number. Thats like another bill. I still have a grand left to pay on my car loan. If i didnt smoke, that shit would be paid off by now. Imagine, how selfish i felt when i realized this is why im always broke, this is why i havent been able to contribute much to our savings. Oh my god. And it wasn't just that. I went to my therapist last week and we had and EMDR session, i really cannot explain to you what EMDR is, you'll have to look it up. but as my mind was going the topic of self care popped up in my head. And i started thinking about the fact that other people, like my mom or mark, can really care about me but that can't control how i treat my body or what i put into it. They may care soooo much about my wellbeing but they can't force me to quit smoking so i don't get cancer or make me stop eating junk food so i stay healthy and don't get sick. Only i can do that, only i can take care of myself, i am the only person who has to love myself enough to get these behaviors to stop. The whole process was fantastic, i got so much more out of it but smoking kept coming up in my head and i kept pushing it aside, pushing it aside, knocking it off like it didn't matter. but it does. A lot. So today, April 30th, i woke up, smoked two cigarettes in a row and then tore up my last one. I threw on a nicotine patch and said goodbye to my closest friend for the past 7 years. It has not been an easy day for me.
There have been a few positives i did not expect to see. Like work for example, I warned everyone to watch out for me, but i was in a really good mood and things that would usually bother me, didnt. I was shocked that the time actually went by faster when i wasn't going outside every hour or two to smoke. I was more patient because i wasn't staring at the clock wondering when the next chance i was going to have to go outside again. It felt really good. Granted, driving was difficult. Taking my half hour lunch was difficult. Having my friend call me and cancel my plans to go walking was hard because it forced me to go home, which i was trying to avoid because i chain smoke when im home and bored. I just never realized how much i think about smoking. I am constantly thinking about it, especially now that i can't. It's amazing how much something so stupid and pointless can have so much control over my life. But enough, i want to control MY life.
One last thing before i wrap this up. I realized another thing through all these things i've been doing to make myself happier, they have made my relationship with Mark soooo much better. Last night we watched a nature show and i just sat on the floor while he stroked my hair and i can't put into words how content with the world i was...
Sunday, April 15, 2012
my happiness project
I started reading the happiness project this weekend because i had heard some good reviews about it. Although, to give the writer the benefit of the doubt, there are some good bits of advice in the book but it's not exactly what i was expecting or what i have been looking for on my path toward happiness. For one thing, the writer does not know what it is to be depressed. in fact, she writes from a point in her life where she is in a career she loves (a writer), with a husband she loves, children she adores and is already happy but realizes one day she could be HAPPIER. All the big decisions of life seem to already be sifted through, like going to college for a certain degree and getting a career. This isn't what i'm looking for as my life needs a complete overhaul in just about every department. I'll finish the book anyway but it's only got me thinking about what needs to be done in my life. I've tried making elaborate lists of what i need to do but i stick with it for a day or two and its back to the old routine i go. But i'm wasting my life. Work, sleep, read, eat bed.. what kind of life is that? where nothing is being achieved, i'm not being challenged, i have too much time to sit and dwell on whats not being done that i get so overwelmed i decide doing nothing is better than completing one or two tasks. So i'm starting small, and began today.
It wasn't a particularly good day. My energy levels are completly drained. I have bronchitus and even with the 60mg of prednisone and my large dunkin iced coffee, i find myself faltering around 3pm. I went to bed around 11:30 last night and slept until 12pm! And still i felt as though i had no energy to speak of. But i forced myself out of bed, no matter how much my body and mind nagged me for more sleep. Marks family is away for the weekend and mark worked today so i took advantage of this time in the house to myself. Just me, toots and the dog. So i started cooking. I made a pasta salad and a chilli dip. I watched one of my favorite shows, took some time to sit on the deck and read my kindle. Then i challenged myself. Any physical activty lately is a huge feat for me. We went to the batting cages and hit some golf balls yesturday and i came home ready for a nap. So today, i grabbed the dogs leash and i took him for a walk. I told myself it would be short, up the side street, a bit down the side walk and than back down our street home. But by the time i reached the top of pierce, pirate seemed in a good shape and i asked if he wanted to keep going, he seemed keen to the idea. So i headed to the next street over, walked down it, looped around and back up the side street, then back down the side walk and home. Had to have been at least a mile or two and what a difference it did for me. I was sweaty and my legs hurt but i had energy. i was awake. And my mind felt so much clearer than it has in so long. And after that, i started weeding out my room, getting rid of clothes, clearing the clutter, and i already feel better with the fewer distractions sitting mockingly all over my shelf space.
So i've decided, since at this point in time i cannot make that commitment to get myself to the gym, than a walk about the block before or after work it is. And it's nice because i have my furry companion to come along with me. Instead of making a massive list of things that need to be done in my life, i've decided taking on at least one new challenge a day, no matter how small, building up to the big stuff. Maybe if i see little improvments, the big stuff will come along easier.
I just don't identify with this book though. This person didn't have nearly half of the shit i have to tackle. I have to quit smoking, find a career i want to pursue, go back to school, get nationally certified, find a job i love, get organized, get more exercise, eat better, stop eating ramen noodles everyday, lay off the candy, build a better realtionship with my boyfriend, find a group of friends that works for me and embrace those relationships, get my energy levels up to par, keep appointments and stop backing out of engagments, take up a hobby, go through that huge folder of guitar tabs and actually learn them, write more, keep a journal, tend to this blog more and make it a better space, use my camera, watch less tv, manage my money better, get a fucking house, build a fucking family....it's so much....
But one step at a time baby! I can do this and one thing i did learn from this book that i've never really looked at before is this, it's not the destination that really matters. i need to be happy with the journey, because it's not the future that really matters ,even if i accomplish these goals, more issues will arise, more things will need to be figured out...i need to be happy NOW!
It wasn't a particularly good day. My energy levels are completly drained. I have bronchitus and even with the 60mg of prednisone and my large dunkin iced coffee, i find myself faltering around 3pm. I went to bed around 11:30 last night and slept until 12pm! And still i felt as though i had no energy to speak of. But i forced myself out of bed, no matter how much my body and mind nagged me for more sleep. Marks family is away for the weekend and mark worked today so i took advantage of this time in the house to myself. Just me, toots and the dog. So i started cooking. I made a pasta salad and a chilli dip. I watched one of my favorite shows, took some time to sit on the deck and read my kindle. Then i challenged myself. Any physical activty lately is a huge feat for me. We went to the batting cages and hit some golf balls yesturday and i came home ready for a nap. So today, i grabbed the dogs leash and i took him for a walk. I told myself it would be short, up the side street, a bit down the side walk and than back down our street home. But by the time i reached the top of pierce, pirate seemed in a good shape and i asked if he wanted to keep going, he seemed keen to the idea. So i headed to the next street over, walked down it, looped around and back up the side street, then back down the side walk and home. Had to have been at least a mile or two and what a difference it did for me. I was sweaty and my legs hurt but i had energy. i was awake. And my mind felt so much clearer than it has in so long. And after that, i started weeding out my room, getting rid of clothes, clearing the clutter, and i already feel better with the fewer distractions sitting mockingly all over my shelf space.
So i've decided, since at this point in time i cannot make that commitment to get myself to the gym, than a walk about the block before or after work it is. And it's nice because i have my furry companion to come along with me. Instead of making a massive list of things that need to be done in my life, i've decided taking on at least one new challenge a day, no matter how small, building up to the big stuff. Maybe if i see little improvments, the big stuff will come along easier.
I just don't identify with this book though. This person didn't have nearly half of the shit i have to tackle. I have to quit smoking, find a career i want to pursue, go back to school, get nationally certified, find a job i love, get organized, get more exercise, eat better, stop eating ramen noodles everyday, lay off the candy, build a better realtionship with my boyfriend, find a group of friends that works for me and embrace those relationships, get my energy levels up to par, keep appointments and stop backing out of engagments, take up a hobby, go through that huge folder of guitar tabs and actually learn them, write more, keep a journal, tend to this blog more and make it a better space, use my camera, watch less tv, manage my money better, get a fucking house, build a fucking family....it's so much....
But one step at a time baby! I can do this and one thing i did learn from this book that i've never really looked at before is this, it's not the destination that really matters. i need to be happy with the journey, because it's not the future that really matters ,even if i accomplish these goals, more issues will arise, more things will need to be figured out...i need to be happy NOW!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
grant me the serenity
I'm not really sure how to place my feelings at this moment. All i can really say is the thing that happened in october, happened again, much much worse this time. And as i've been trying to work through this and figure out what comes next, as i did survive the experience, i dont know what i want. I'm alive and thats for a reason ,because my family cared enough to call an ambulance even when i told them to let me just die. I know this all happened because of alcohol. Ok, maybe not entirely, the depression and anxiety and the way i handle my life are equally to blame. but i dont know where to go from here. I dont know how to get over what i did, the people i hurt, it's almost embarassing. The way i acted...it was horrible and i think the worst part is not remembering. And when anyone tries to talk about it, i can't, i really just cant. i dont want to know what i said, i dont want to know how i broke the cabinet door or my moms ceramic elephant. i dont want to remember the medics name who i forced to hold my hand in the ambulance because i was scared. I dont want to know how my mom told the rest of the family on the phone or what i had done before she screamed at me, "Look at what you've made me do! I had to call the cops on my own daughter!"
I've wanted to cry, a lot these past few days. i've wanted to talk about it, but i can't. I've wanted to write about it but it's so hard to get the words out. It's hard to figure out how i fix this mess i've made my life into. It's been years in the making. And when i finally hit rock bottom, it was exactly how i imagined it to be. After every other drunken, embarassing, close to death moment i've had, i live with the embarassment, this constant anxiety poking at me, never failing to show it's ugly face even in my happiest of moments. but when i hit the bottom, and woke up to the sounds of the hospital, wearing that gown and having no idea who changed me, and lying there alone...the fear was there, the anger, the sadness...everything...but it wasn't knawing away at my insides slowly. i could feel it, i could recognize it but it wasn't killing me. And for the first time i knew i had to do something. Because i've spent the past two years of my life, lying on my back, afraid to act, giving up anything if it was to hard. trying to convince myself that if i was still making it into work then i was fine. but i was not fine because even though i wasn't at the point where i was missing work because of my depression, i still wasn't doing ANYTHING. i complain i have no friends, but i dont put in the effort. i dont write because im embarassed about what im saying. i dont play guitar anymrore because im always saying im not good enough. i dont speak to anyone unless i have a drink in my hand. i come home and i lie in bed and a take a few xanax and wait impatiently to fall asleep, because my life is so much easier in dreams.
I have put no effort into my life. i eat mcdonalds like everyday. i haven't worked out in almost six months. I dont want to do anything...and thats how i got myself to that point. that point where i felt as if i had nothing to live for, as if there was no reason to keep going. And with no faith in religion or a higher power, i left myself with nothing to turn to.
So what now? I saw my psychiatrist twice this week, got in contact with my therapist and made an appointment, made an appointment with a drug and alcohol abuse professional and will be attending my first AA meeting tomorrow. I've missed a bunch of work and they are all probably furious with me, and i am worried about losing my job, but i need this time becuase i have not given myself this time in years. I am taking care of myself. I am putting myself on some form of path to recovery. And i dont just mean recovery from being an alcoholic or my depression. I am putting myself on a path where i actually try, where i actually live my life. Where i can actually finally see things, actually grasp them and appreciate the beauty that life is. I have not stopped and actually enjoyed life in so long i can't remember what it even feels like to live. I feel like i have a very long road ahead of me, where nothing is certain. I am not making any promises to myself this time because i never stick to them. All i know for certain is that my relationship with alcohol is over. It has done nothing good for my life and over the past few years has only made me a worse off person than i already was. I am hoping to come out of this experience in a few years a more well rounded person. My only goals at this point being to make myself a healthy person, so i can enjoy life to the fullest. and by healthy i mean both physically and mentally. I hope to come out of this experience with a few friends, and i realize i have not tried hard enough to actually maintain friendships over the years....unless i'm drinking. I hope to find some form of outlet for all these pent up emotions whether it be in the form of writing, painting, music...whatever but i cant leave it all bottled up inside me anymore. because when that first sip of alcohol gets into me it comes pouring out in a not so glamourous fashion....
I dont know if i'll ever drink again. i dont know if im in that position where i can say im done with it FOREVER. I dont know if i'll become one of those people who during a champaigne toast drinks apple juice. I dont know....all i know is i need to go a few years without it but i dont think i'll ever have that off switch in my head that tells me "that's enough" after one or two drinks. I'm so unsure of everything right now...my future and my relationships...my work situation...whether in a few months i'll decide to go back to school or if i'll ever have the strength within myself to get out of cvs. i dont know...usually i'm so focused on the big picture but for the first time in my life i'm not thinking about those major things. I kind of just feel like i broke a glass and instead of picking up the larger pieces first and vacuming up the tiny little slivers....i'm picking up those little slivers first, and even if they are the pieces that tend to make you bleed...i dont know. The little things are important too, maybe most imporatant for all i know. i guess the time for apologies will come soon. I hurt a lot of people, people who i can't believe i had the ability to hurt. And for the first time since this happened i was finally able to stay to myself today, "I tried to kill myself and it didnt work. and although i don't believe in god or a higher power, i am here for a reason. It wasn't my time yet so its about fucking time i make the most of it"
I've wanted to cry, a lot these past few days. i've wanted to talk about it, but i can't. I've wanted to write about it but it's so hard to get the words out. It's hard to figure out how i fix this mess i've made my life into. It's been years in the making. And when i finally hit rock bottom, it was exactly how i imagined it to be. After every other drunken, embarassing, close to death moment i've had, i live with the embarassment, this constant anxiety poking at me, never failing to show it's ugly face even in my happiest of moments. but when i hit the bottom, and woke up to the sounds of the hospital, wearing that gown and having no idea who changed me, and lying there alone...the fear was there, the anger, the sadness...everything...but it wasn't knawing away at my insides slowly. i could feel it, i could recognize it but it wasn't killing me. And for the first time i knew i had to do something. Because i've spent the past two years of my life, lying on my back, afraid to act, giving up anything if it was to hard. trying to convince myself that if i was still making it into work then i was fine. but i was not fine because even though i wasn't at the point where i was missing work because of my depression, i still wasn't doing ANYTHING. i complain i have no friends, but i dont put in the effort. i dont write because im embarassed about what im saying. i dont play guitar anymrore because im always saying im not good enough. i dont speak to anyone unless i have a drink in my hand. i come home and i lie in bed and a take a few xanax and wait impatiently to fall asleep, because my life is so much easier in dreams.
I have put no effort into my life. i eat mcdonalds like everyday. i haven't worked out in almost six months. I dont want to do anything...and thats how i got myself to that point. that point where i felt as if i had nothing to live for, as if there was no reason to keep going. And with no faith in religion or a higher power, i left myself with nothing to turn to.
So what now? I saw my psychiatrist twice this week, got in contact with my therapist and made an appointment, made an appointment with a drug and alcohol abuse professional and will be attending my first AA meeting tomorrow. I've missed a bunch of work and they are all probably furious with me, and i am worried about losing my job, but i need this time becuase i have not given myself this time in years. I am taking care of myself. I am putting myself on some form of path to recovery. And i dont just mean recovery from being an alcoholic or my depression. I am putting myself on a path where i actually try, where i actually live my life. Where i can actually finally see things, actually grasp them and appreciate the beauty that life is. I have not stopped and actually enjoyed life in so long i can't remember what it even feels like to live. I feel like i have a very long road ahead of me, where nothing is certain. I am not making any promises to myself this time because i never stick to them. All i know for certain is that my relationship with alcohol is over. It has done nothing good for my life and over the past few years has only made me a worse off person than i already was. I am hoping to come out of this experience in a few years a more well rounded person. My only goals at this point being to make myself a healthy person, so i can enjoy life to the fullest. and by healthy i mean both physically and mentally. I hope to come out of this experience with a few friends, and i realize i have not tried hard enough to actually maintain friendships over the years....unless i'm drinking. I hope to find some form of outlet for all these pent up emotions whether it be in the form of writing, painting, music...whatever but i cant leave it all bottled up inside me anymore. because when that first sip of alcohol gets into me it comes pouring out in a not so glamourous fashion....
I dont know if i'll ever drink again. i dont know if im in that position where i can say im done with it FOREVER. I dont know if i'll become one of those people who during a champaigne toast drinks apple juice. I dont know....all i know is i need to go a few years without it but i dont think i'll ever have that off switch in my head that tells me "that's enough" after one or two drinks. I'm so unsure of everything right now...my future and my relationships...my work situation...whether in a few months i'll decide to go back to school or if i'll ever have the strength within myself to get out of cvs. i dont know...usually i'm so focused on the big picture but for the first time in my life i'm not thinking about those major things. I kind of just feel like i broke a glass and instead of picking up the larger pieces first and vacuming up the tiny little slivers....i'm picking up those little slivers first, and even if they are the pieces that tend to make you bleed...i dont know. The little things are important too, maybe most imporatant for all i know. i guess the time for apologies will come soon. I hurt a lot of people, people who i can't believe i had the ability to hurt. And for the first time since this happened i was finally able to stay to myself today, "I tried to kill myself and it didnt work. and although i don't believe in god or a higher power, i am here for a reason. It wasn't my time yet so its about fucking time i make the most of it"
Friday, December 2, 2011
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