Monday, August 23, 2010

ups and downs

I hate camping. I hate being stuck out in the wilderness where i know bears, poisonous snakes and other such creatures are within a few mile radious. i dont like standing next to a beaver dam in the evening and being told that a ton of snakes were there that morning lying in sun. I dont like total darkness. i dont like have to pee with the door open and not being able to flush. i dont like his mothers side of the family because they are fucking NUTS and self centered. I dont like that this whole trip has made me so much more stressed out and today is my first day back to work. I could vent some more because i had to deal with so much bullshit this last week i want to scream, but fuck it. His grandparents did send me home with a 4 month old kitten that i named toots and he's the cutest thing in the whole world. i love him soo much already. and thankfully this cat solidifys the fact that we have to get out of this bee infested hell hole a.s.a.p.

i wemt with my mom to the vfw on saturday for some party. i got waaay too drunk like i usually do. i dont remember most of the night but im sure i was an asshole, like i usually am. somehow thought it would be a brilliant idea to open the karoke night after 10 drinks(it gets better) and sing bohemian rhapsody. christ, i dont remember anything but the end, all those people i was talking to all night (that were most likely annoyed by that drunk girl stumbling around,moi) stared at me, laughing, as i sang, not sure though i was pretty drunk. i got so humiliated i found my mom and got in the car and cried the whole way home. and cried to mark too. and im not quite sure why im typing this all out. ive never actually admited i have a problem when it comes to drinking, ive always just been told i did, but its starting to become clearer to me. I mean, lately everytime i do drink, im ridiculously out of control. i know i act like an ass. i'm embarrassed every morning i wake up after drinking. I know i'm using it as a crutch because i have no friends at the point. I can't connect with anyone my age because they all just piss me off. I have no outside talents or outlets to throw myself into. I feel so off...and i cant really explain why but i'm also being crippled by this..i dont know...fear to do anything about it. tommorrow is always the better day to start my life. i cant get myself off the couch...i wake up feeling like i want to start crying. At this point, the only people i feel like i can rely on are my family. I dont know what made me start pushing everyone away...but somehow i feel like its always been the drinking...

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