Wednesday, September 22, 2010

and now what?

I need to get my shit straightened out very quickly. i feel so unsure in what to do with my life right now. I'm in school, but i'm not pursuing anything. I don't even know what i should even begin to pursue. and so what if i ever figure that out because anything i really do want to do requires at least 4 years of schooling and how do i manage that? I'm not a very smart person, i barely know how to write something in MLA and i'm terrible with research. I'm surprised i can make it through a school as easy as asnuntuck, but i can't actually go to a REAL school. I wouldn't be able to handle it. And even if was actually somehow able to do that, how the fuck would i pay for it? My 230 dollar paychecks that i come home with every week? I need a new job, i can't stand what i do. Everyday i have to work i wake up with a sense of dread and in the nine hours that i'm there, i'm gritting my teeth just wishing that today would be different but it never is. I wish i could actually keep myself from working my ass off and have lazy days where i get to stand around and eat kit kats and give everyone the illusion that i'm doing something when clearly i'm not. I need a new car because mine shit the bed. I'm sick of bumming rides off family members and getting an attitude from mark because he has to drive to windsor locks to pick me up. When he yells at me that i need a new car but we both no i have absolutly no means of actually making that a reality until we move out of this shit hole that is falling apart around us. I'm really not excited about moving in with his parents, if that is at all a posibility. I"m tired of wishing for my future to come where i can have a family and a house and a steady paycheck coming from a job i actually like...but right now i'm so unsure what fucking path to take.

What type of car should i get? How do i go about finding a new job? How do i get friends to stick around? Where am i going to be living in a couple of months? How the fuck do you save money? What should i be aspiring to be when i grow up? I have so many questions and he's just dragging his feet beside me while i'm stuck playing the nagging girlfriend. I just want him to for once step up and help me actually figure this shit out so im not stuck worrying...constantly...

1 comment:

the Music of the Night said...

You gotta have a little faith in yourself chicklet! I know you can do it, I believe in you! It's a lot of work. I can tell you from experience that It is really hard to go to a 'real school' and work full time, but it is totally a possibility on a 230 dollar a week paycheck. I"ve been doing it for over a year. There is a lot of financial aid out there, especially for someone living on their own. All I can say, is do something you love, and if you don't know what that is yet, take some gen.ed's and experiment with a few different things, you'll find your love in there. Hell, when i started I was gonna go to pharmacy school, but fell in love with music and art. You got this Stina, and I know if you go after it with a little ferocity you will be pleasantly surprised with the return!