Monday, October 18, 2010

wishfull thinking

Weekend from hell and somehow i made it through alive and almost feeling slightly better because of it. Not quite sure at this point if i have officially hit rock bottom or if i just gained a bit more optimism. Mark ditched me twice the weekend, something that if i did, i would be screamed at ridiculously. i wandered around tville with a bottle of wine and a dead phone until mary showed up and stayed up to talk with me, something i greatly appreciated because any person i have asked to come talk to me, talks about themselves and never really listens to what i have to say. Unfortunatly, the booze had such a hold on me that night i dont remember what i had talked about with anyone i encountered that night. Saturday was a hungover mess, where i could not get a hold of my boyfriend and anxiety ate away at me, preventing me from doing anything. i am very unsure at this point what my life really means to me. What i'm saying is, i feel myself giving up hope in a lot of things. While i anxiously waited for my sloppy drunk boyfriend to respond to me i watched a documentary on North Korea, something i should not have done. The documentary was about doctors that came into the country to correct a simple problem that plaugued its people, causing much of the population to be blind. Completley cut off from the world, this country is completly and utterly brainwashed, it is by far the scariest thing i have ever witnessed.

At the very end, they remove the bandages and the people can see after years of blindness. Walking past the doctors and not even thanking them, they drop to their knees and praise the great kim jong ill for giving them their sight back and proclaim their all out devotion to him, the entire room is in an uproar of praise. There is no longer a distinction between all out devotion and fear....already being incredibley emotional from everything else going on in my life, i lose it and cry hysterically. I felt as if i had lost all hope in mankind, god and just about everything else. I have already always had my uncertaintly about all these things, being in an american history class i find it incredibley difficult to have national pride. After watching monstrosities like genocides and full on brainwashing and destruction to earth, senseless wars, genocide of natives to establish the lands and countries we recognize today, humans bring no positives to this world. i feel as if we are a virus. And i feel like theres no way for me to put this into words and no one or no god i could talk to to make me feel better in any of this. Religion in my life only provoked fear. Science is the only thing that seems to make any sense to me because so many small, little insignificant things over billions of years, with so many details in play had to happen to create life. (i have been watching the universe waaaay too much)

There is a futurama episode that i love as an example. Bender gets stuck flying aimlessly through space for all eternity and meets god, who is a star system deep in the galaxy.Bender asks "god" to send him back to earth...god responds with, "earth, which direction is that?" its as if even if there was a god, the universe is so expansive and infinite, how could a god even answer our prayers? I know the answer to my happiness and success is in my own hands, i've known this for years but never make the effort to fix any of that. I know a god cant fix my problems or ease my pain. I know that alcohol is not answer because i lose my memory and do things i always regret, causing me to spiral downward. I know the human race will end some day because we will destroy ourselves. I guess what i need to do is stop reading so deeply into the big picture and overanalyze everything (from the meaning of life to what someone said to me and why) and live my life the best i can. And i guess at the moment, thats just what the meaning of life is to me.

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