Sunday, November 25, 2012

inconvinent truths

I'll start with whats bothering me at this very moment. I've had a friend Ginny since my freshman year of high school. I introduced her to her first boyfriend, i introduced her to her second. I tried hard to get this girl out of her shell for years, she was so fucking quiet and timid and scared and depressed when i met her. And over the years, in fact she did, only to become someone i wasn't really happy to be around. She tries to come off as this free thinking, liberal hippy, when in fact she's as judgmental as anyone else, maybe even worse. I tried keeping her in my life for a long time, the way i tried with all my friends but i never get anything back. yeah maybe 6 years ago i was doing things and making decisions that i shouldn't have but i was a fucking teenager, i was just trying to feel my way around life and figure out what worked for me. She went to the University of Vermont after high school, the same college her boyfriend (we call him bad dave, because her fiance is also named dave) went to. I had a friend named Mindy, who i had been friends with since we were 3 years old. At some point, maybe around sophmore, junior year, Mindy and Ginny suddenly became BFF's because both their boyfriends were around the same age. I still tried to be a part of it, but as always i wasn't called and the fun went on without me. Whenever i saw Ginny throughout the college years, she viewed me under her nose. I tried college, it did not work for me, some people just aren't college material. I drank booze, whatever. I smoke cigarettes. I don't play guitar as well. The person i used to call when i needed her, no longer offered me any sort of comfort of positive feedback. I stopped trying. Well then she started dating good dave, after my coaxing. I saw this as a good thing, Dave and I have been friends for years. The kind of friend you could really rely on. Dave and I are similar souls, we both couldn't do the college thing or really hold things together. Him and i would go on adventures, take pictures, listen to music, he was always there when i needed a friend or a philosophical talk. well this whole thing backfired because now Ginny decided it was now OK if you don't go to a university after high school...but still looked down on me. Ginny and Dave got engaged this summer. I called to congratulate her, because unlike when i got engaged and i told everyone, i found out through facebook.

 I went to their engagement party and found it strange that she made no mention of bridesmaids or anything...but i kept it to myself. i was also hurt because all of them had gone to kevins birthday party the night before, which is about two miles down the street from my house, and i wasn't called for that. About two weeks ago her grandpa passed away and she came back to CT for the funeral. I texted her my condolences and she invited me over for food and drink. I had to work until nine, but fled over after work. I had gotten a card for the family, I've always been close to her family, I wrote something special inside and gave it to her mother when i walked in the door. She was grateful, she showed the card to Ginny, "oh yeah...thats nice..." wow. During my short stay, she didnt even offer me a glass of water. While her and mindy sat in their chairs holding cold beers and eating cookies i sat by myself with the cat. She didn't even ask to see my engagement ring...Ginny's Parents asked to see it and congratulated me. When mindy got tired and said she was going home Ginny turns to me and says, "Yes, I'm quite tired as well." her way of saying, get the fuck out. I came home in tears. At one point while we were there, her and mindy started talking about Ginny's wedding, Mindy asked where she would be sitting, Ginny says the head table. At no point does she say, i will be sitting there, or i'll be sitting with the friends from back home, in fact, I don't think I'm invited at all.

flash to this weekend. Her and Dave came home for thanksgiving. She texted me twice on friday to tell me this. I told her i worked until 6 on saturday but the two of them should swing by my house, because they haven't seen it. I hear nothing back for two days. i wake up this morning (sunday) and i have a text message, recieved at 11:49 pm from dave, it reads like this, "sorry about this we should have told you earlier but kevin and his friend matt, becky and her friend shannon, ginny and i are all chillen at gins place, if you wanna stop in please do and im sorry it was so late to tell you about this". you have got to be fucking kidding me? you thought of me at fucking midnight? was someone too drunk and needed a ride home and thats why you texted me? to use me? to mention all these people i care about and remind me that not one of them thought to call me? I slammed the phone down and said that's fucking it. I'm done. I don't care if we used to be best friends but i'm tired of getting my heart broken. you know, a lot of my friends have buddies from college, i didn't go to college, i have them. And in my heart of hearts, i hoped i always would because they were all special to me, i grew up with these people. but im done. i'm done with getting a text saying, "Hey Im in town" and not hearing from them after i text them back. Im done with asking my friends to come see my house and not having them do it. I'm done with Kevin and Shanna who live 2 miles down the street, who never fucking call me. Or Mindy who has been my friend since i was 3 years old, who lives in town while she finishes grad school and never hearing from her.

And then i look at Mark, who has his friends in town. And who last night was trying to finish his jam room by himself, but couldn't because it's a two man job, and his frustration in the fact that no matter who he asks for help, they always say no. These people don't care. they are fucking selfish. If mark didn't have a house, i doubt they would call him. And that kills me. If he needed help, they wouldn't come, they wouldn't even call to see if he was Ok. and i think thats a lot of the reason why i never made much of an effort with these people.

I'm tired of the selfishness. i'm tired of being looked down on. im tired of when i reach out for help, in an emotional sense, not in the sense of money, and these people turn their backs on me. These are not the qualities i want in a friend. So goodbye.

(on a funny note, last night was also my five year high school reunion. yeah, pretty fucking pumped that i skipped that)

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