Friday, December 14, 2012

It was really hard for me to sit down to write this. in fact, i want to get up and walk away from it now, but i have to. i found out about the shooting about 45 minutes before i had to leave for my work shift at 3 o'clock...though Facebook of all places. As soon as i saw that first candle post with something saying the victims of Sandy Hook i knew it was bad, and i goggled it immediately. To find out such a tragedy could happen in my own backyard (just about an hours drive from my home) i became so discouraged. I started thinking of the worst. The parents who got there Christmas shopping done early and had presents under the tree for their children who would never come home, the parent kissing their child on the cheek and packing the last lunch for their child that they would never even have the chance to eat, a couple who had so much trouble even conceiving a child and having this miracle brought onto them only to send them off to somewhere that is supposed to be safe, and have the child slaughtered for no apparent rhyme or reason. It felt like 9/11 all over to me. Because even with things like columbine or virginia tech, those things had at least some kind of explanation, teenage raging hormones and distress, and today, no reason. Innocent children taken for no reason and absolutely no reason behind it whatsoever. To me, i have no personal attachment to the people these tragedies have befallen, but that is no reason for me to feel bad about what has happened. i cried as i read the first headlines, i listened to the radio all the way to work and felt crestfallen with every word said. My hope in humanity has been slipping ever so slightly with every week that passes, friends abandoning me, family abandoning me, feeling so lost, broken, confused...and to hear...this.

These children did not even have the chance to feel remorse or feel guilt for making tragic mistakes like picking on some kid to the point that they would point a gun at them. They did nothing wrong. And me, at that point in my life where children is only a short road away, I feel as if i cannot do it. I feel as if i cannot bring a child into this world as it would be much too selfish. And part of me hopped, no more begged, that when i walked into work, someone would feel the way I did. After 9/11, a nation came together, people came together, people, even if for only a short time were nicer to one another. When i walked into work today, i expected something like this to happen, i expected at least a few people to feel what i felt...and this was not so. Everyone was still the same cocky asshole just like they always are, my fellow pharm techs appeared as if they had not even heard the went on...and maybe thats how it is supposed to but i couldn't do it. the only person in the pharmacy who seemed to have some vague idea that there is something wrong was my pharmacist Chris, a woman who has children, who said very little all day...but had glazed eyes...and with every mention would leave or pickup the phone. And i felt for her, i really did. I do not have children, but I feel things far to strongly.

I don't know what is wrong with the world. A few years ago everyone claimed the world would end in only a week from now, and at this point i welcome it. Mark squeezed me tight and told me to hang on as i left for work...only to walk into my house 5 hours later to a full swing party in effect. It was hardly mentioned, and at first, my intention was to run. to run as far away from this house and from these selfish people as quickly as possible...but fuck it...what the fuck can i do...what the fuck do i do with myself for these many hours...i ate, picked up a beer and didn't look back. And now... i feel terrible. i don't know what type of lesson to take out of this. If i had a crowbar in my car, I would be in jail after that driver i followed home tonight. I was getting off the highway, this car had no turn signal, i switched lanes to get off the highway, he swerved in front of me, drove at about 4 miles an hour, pushing to passenger around, playing around. endangering my life and their passenger. when we got to a stop light i almost threw my car in park, slammed on the window and screamed, "18 children are dead and you can pretend everything is fine! You can endanger my life and your own, you are selfish, inconsiderate and the worst human being I have ever had the displeasure to ever meet. If you were considerate to just a few people maybe shit like this wouldn't happen!"   but i some act of god I refrained...and i drank...and i feel worse. I talked to people...had one of my friends come by, not just Marks...but it felt like no one understood. A few words uttered but no full out conversation. I did not meet these kids, teachers, staff...for all i know i do not know a single soul in Newtown, CT. but for the love of god, if no lesson can be learned from this incident, then all we will feel is loss. Those lives were lost for no reason, those tears we shed mean nothing, human decency, kindness, consideration...all these things could give some kind of meaning to one of the greatest tragedies anyone of my generation will ever, hopefully any generation, will ever experience.

Tonight before i fall into an intoxicated sleep, i will grab my fiance's hand and we will pray, for the lives lost and the hope that this will never happen again. For the parents, siblings, aunts, uncles...for everyone affected by this. For the people like me...hoping against all hope that they do not lose all hope in humanity as i have, and for fucking god sake, that the person responsible for this is fucking burning in hell where that mother fucker belongs because i swear to fucking god, if i ever bear a child, if anything ever happens to that precious being there will be mother fucking hell to pay.

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