Saturday, July 24, 2010

its like everybody loves raymond only no ones laughing

All i can say right now is that i'm scared. I'm afraid my family is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about. For years i was under the impression that my parents love was the strongest i had ever seen. but lately i'm getting the impression that love is not enough. My dad and mom have been on the rocks lately, hardly spending any time together, just two seperate souls with different interests. My dad has started hanging out with the neighborhood kids, sick of spending time with people his own age because all they do is sit around and drink which he just can't do anymore. He's latched on to a 12 year old girl names ashley, who has never had a father figure in his life. He is enjoying the time because he has been lonely, we're all grown up and with my mom not giving him the time of day he had to do something. I understand why he is doing it, i understand that he can't spend his days alone anymore. I understand that for the first time in years my mom has the freedom to go out and spend time with her friends and drink and talk and for once be a free spirit. but through this they have grown detached. They talked the other night and came to the conclusion that maybe they were never truely soul mates to begin with. That they have nothing in common. That the flame has finally been snuffed. It terrifies me to no end. Becasue i always thought that love could last, that no matter what happened my parents loved each other more than anybody else and that they could pull through anything. that someday i could aquire the same thing. How is it 20 years down the line you look over at the person you married and you don't know them anymore? Family is all i have at this point. I have no close friends. I have no lasting relationships with anyone else. I trust my family and depend on them more than ever lately, and now its colapsing in front of me. At this moment i feel i am the glue thats trying to hold everything together. My brothers and my dad dont get along. My mom and dad arent getting along. I am the only one all of them can go to. And it's tiring and frustrating and i dont know if i can do enough.
mark and i have been talking about up and leaving since we got together. We dreamed of moving out to california and starting a family, i dont think i have the heart to tell him i dont think i could ever do that. I dont think i could just leave them in the dust. I know that the moment i came home, i would return to this broken thing. People who don't have anything in common except blood. People who don't even know each other. Seperate lives. I feel like i have to do something but what can i do? How much could i do? I can't change how people feel. I can't make anyone do anything. And its all around me. I find out my drunk aunt is cheating on her husband for over a year and she never told me. She doesnt pay attention to her two daughters who are the sweetest big hearted kids on the planet. my 40 year old divorced uncle cant seem to move out of his parents house, ditch his 45 year old slut fuck buddy, help my grandparents with anything or pay attention to his beautiful daughter. I watch as my grandmother loses her spirit after being verbally abused my grandpa. I watch my grandpa get verbally abused by the family for being a stick in the mud even though he only means well, its just in his nature. I stand back and see family parties that are nothing but routine where the same thing always happens and when i get in my car to leave i don't have the whole feeling i used to feel everytime i used to leave. These people mean the world to me and i try to except each and everyone of them for their flaws because they are human. They all mean well, they all have big hearts, they all care they're just confused. Misguided. Tired of doing and being what everyone else wants them to be. I'm scared because when i was a kid my family was perfect. I grew up with people who were fun, loud, talkative, and loving. Im afraid because when i finally bring my kids into the world, will that feeling be restored? Will me getting married and having children shed some light on these people and possibly make it a little easier?
I like to think that i try but maybe not hard enough. I'm at my parents house at least 4 times a week. I talk to my mom all the time. I try to give insight and help everyone with they're problems. I would love to try harder to bring us all closer but what more can i do? I'd love to think that this phase, this midlife crisis my parents are going through will turn around but both admitted to me that they were just going to go with the flow and see where that takes them. But i dont want a phone call a year from now saying that its over. Then what am i left with? what are they left with? i used to get giddy with excitement, i tell mark all the time that i am anxiously awaiting the day that he puts that ring on my finger and i'm forever his. But i am so fearful that one day i will wake up beside him and suddenly the love is gone and i begin to question if it was ever there at all.
without my family i feel i will have nothing. I feel that i will lose an entire peice of myself. I care too much about these people. I dont want to see them fall apart and live so unhappily.
but what more can i do then just sit back and watch it all collapse?

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