Sunday, July 11, 2010

i could really use a wish right now

I need a fucking break. I just had the weekend from hell. Friday i went to my moms after work. We spend the night talking and drinking twisted teas. I was happy, i love my mom, she's my best friend. Periodically mark would call me and ask when i was coming home but i just didnt wanna leave, this was the first thing i had done in i can't tell you how long. So when i finally got home he was sleeping and he wouldnt let me touch him. I didnt sleep the entire night, i was so worried. he got up the next morning and wouldnt talk to me, accept my appology or even believe that i love him. So when he left for work i went back to my parents house. i just thought it was over, he was going to leave me. I went to work and had a miserable time and dreaded going home. Somehow, he had calmed down when i got home and i was able to smooth everything over. We went and had dinner at his moms house and we tried to go see blue oyster cult but we stood there waiting on no sleep and walked home after two songs. Today was my mothers candle party and one of my family members (a close one) admitted to me that she is cheating on her husband. what a bombshell. What a fucking misjudge in character. On top of this friday night and yesturday AND today my mom was telling me all about these problems her and my dad are having and some details that are even more worse and horrifying to hear. I'm so afraid something is going to happen. And i love my parents, and my family means everything to me. and even worse im afraid this would crush my mother and i just dont want to see her lose her spirit, she's fantastic.

I'm just losing my faith in marriage. losing my hope in the fact that couples can stay together and love each more than anyone else for the rest of their lives. What if all this happens to me when i'm like forty? What if i end up in one of the marriages where your constanly fighting and you ruin your childrens lives? i'm freaked out. I feel like everythings all messed up and i just wish things would finally start working themselves out but i'm stuck here, i'm stuck on pause at the saddest part of the movie. It drags and drags and nothing i do makes anything better. nothing i do makes anyone happy. nothing i or anyone else does seems to make me happy.

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