becoming bitter

I came to a really scary realization saturday night. I drank a bottle of wine in celebration of valentines day and mark and i stayed up talking for a while. I dont know how we debated the issue of affirmative action for about two hours but it soon turned to whether we believed that people are ultimatly good. And somehow i realized i dont believe most people are. Ok, i have met a lot of people who i know are decent individuals, who fuck up and make mistakes but never intentionally mean to harm other people. But its the whole issue of power, i dont honestly believe that a lot of people really would pass that up even if it meant fucking over others. I dont believe that if the apocalypse was the strike us down tomorrow that the majority would be accepted into heaven (if i actually believed there was such a place). Maybe it could be that i've become bitter, either from being screwed over time after time by people i know and trust. Or maybe its working at my job and seeing annoying, selfish and terrible people daily, willing to do anything for a pill that will kill the pain. i used to be able to see people, realize their "Flaws" and accept them for it, whether minute or otherwise...fuck i forgave a cheater for a short time...but now, i meet people and realize what exactly i dont like about them and feel as if i can't get past it...and i hate it. i was never like this before. My lifes motto for years was love. life. happiness. (after one of my favorite songs which by the way was in the genre of music called happy hardcore, which i listened to religiously for those of you who dont know what this is, it's a genre of techno which is for all intensive purposes is INCREDIBLY happy and positive music). I wore bright colors, i was a positive person who truly believed that peace could someday be accomplished and that there was good in everyone. I really wish i knew what happened....

this isnt saying i hate everyone, this is not true...all im saying is, i'm hoping this is just a phase and that i could actually find a way to think positive again, if that is at all possible..

A music rant i dug up...

I've never been in a bob dylan mood before, it feels nice. He's a poet, this should help that whole writing process. I watched a documentary on Hunter s. thompson today...i'm jealous how much inspiration he had in his time. He had the sixties filled with heavy, forceful politics. so much rage. rage rage rage...people demanding to be treated the same, demanding change and equal rights. The energy and the flow of the counter culture, this alternate life style filled with peace and love and drugs...cities filled with these people fighting the goverment and for the way of life to change. to not be completly about whats in your pocket but who you are and the freedom to pursue that. I was born in the wrong generation because the generation i am in now i dont identify with what so ever...when did music turn from getting out a message, when did music move on from catchy tunes that made you think, that you were able to identify with at that moment in time when you heard that song. That made you happy to be in that day and age living at that time and only wanting to live at that time, to moving to booty shaking anthems that are all about money and theres no reading into it whatsoever? It makes me disgusted to see that no one is united...no one is together in anything. I accept peoples personal views but its everywhere, so spuratic... we're are going backwards. We move from the times with heros like martin luther king jr and robert kennedy, people who are fighting for equality to today where woman are labeled as objects in rap videos and we even further the stereotypes that black people carry guns and steal and sell drugs. we are pushing ourselves backwards. I can't even feel passion in new rock or "alternative" music...its generic. All of it, with nothing original. No words in these songs make me feel anything. The music itself, guitar, bass, drums, all the standard elements are there but there is no rhythem, there is nothing new. The same standard power chords held together with your unaltertered drum beats..maybe a bit of cowbell...but nothing new. It pisses me off that this is what i'm expected to incorporate myself into. I'm supposed to buy posters of Joe Jonas and i'm supposed to listen to Jay Z on my iphone. I have to drink skyy vodka at parties and dance like a whore. Music is suppossed be a huge part of a culture. In the sixties there was what we now call classic rock, things that broke the threshold and fueled nights of heavy drugs, music enhanced the experience. Move to the seventies where those still on the drug wagon snort coke at studio 54 and dance the night away...the eighties your move to electonica, which is horrible, a complete generation that should be forgotten but i'm sure even living in the eighties is better than today. then in the 90's you move on to a variety. Hiphop makes its way into the scene but it still has its roots, it still has its meaning and theres grunge music, causing another generation to make the realization that they odnt have to be happy if they dont want to. The electionica of the eighties turns to techno where more counter culture, more people saying they wanna drop out and ectasy is the huge hit in random warehouses.
Ok so we move to the 00's...was there too much variety? did we do everything already? am i suppossed to sit back and think thats the end of original thought and music? Was it too much of a good thing. We move to change, change, change, music...and now we have so much variety it isnt even original anymore? I have enjoyed more songs played in the my living room by kids that come by my house than i have listening to organized songs on the radio.i guess i'm on a complicated subject, a subject my stoned mind is having trouble wrapping itself around. I'm not saying i hate every song produced in the past 10 years, i couldn't say that. But i hate pretty much 85% of the songs that the media, radio, tv, movies, magazines have told me i should like at this time. Anything i do generally listen to is shit most people havent even heard of. another note, what happened to rolling stone? It used to have hunter s. thompson and got into actual issues, not even just music. Now i have to see the jonas brothers on the cover? give me a fucking break...and just now on my pandora music player i'm getting ads for shampoo....

i found this on my computer, it made me angry so i posted it

I've done a lot of incredibley stupid things when i was young but my relationship with your was by far the worst thing i could have done to myself. the relationship started on both sides the wrong way. I went out with you because there was no one else around. i decided in my mind that i could find you attractive and that you were good enough for me to settle with. you lied your way into my heart by tearing lines from movies you had seen and saying you've been layed before so it would be ever apparent to me that you weren't the outcast that you really were. I destoryed myself from the very begining by chain smoking cigarettes to drinking to the point of blacking out with you. You made me drive every night, drunk as hell bringing you home because you were too lazy to get your licence at the time. I quit my job because you got arrested for fighting your dad. you lied constantly, smoked weed behind my back and flat out lied when confronted, only to find a peice of bud clinging to your tshirt and your fingers dirty from rolling blunts. I tried so many times to leave you, cried about it constantly that i wasnt being treated right but i couldnt let go because i let myself rely on you and you let me do it. I know i'm not supposed to blame others but you knew what you were doing clearly. Do you remember the night we sat at the boat launch? you stole a bottle of dust off from the cvs you used to work at and we had no where else to go. We sat in my car with jack johnson playing on the stereo, huffing puff after puff until the can was gone and smoked pot out of that bowl you kept in your pocket. I was so high i hadnt even noticed the snow falling harder and harder, leaving my car half buried. We left the battery on for so long that the car died and we were too stoned to call our parents for help. We stood in the snow for almost an hour, lucky as shit that friends came by to start the car up. With the worst migraine i've ever had i stood in teh snow, staring out at the water, refusing to smoke more...why didn't i take this as i sign? Why didnt i see how damaging this was? How many brain cells did i kill in that night alone? How many all together in the year and a half we were together? I abandoned my personality, i drank and smoked weed because that was your world and that was my only way to be some part of your world. What the fuck did i do? What the fuck did i see in you that made me actually stick around as long as i did? i had sex with you as much as i could just to hope that somehow that spark you felt with me before would be rekindled. you would give me just one little bit of hope that college wouldn't destroy us. i heard the comments all the time, "Why are you with him? he treats you like shit. your always way more fun when he isnt around" and i let it allll continue. i let you take me to that breaking point where anxiety riddled my body and i was forced to ask for reassurance every second of every day. knowing how annoying it was to ask the same questions and hear the same answers...why lie to me? Why let me drag through that entire summer, watching pivotal moments of your life unfold while you stood emotionless and i was the one actually feeling the moments. Your graduation? You were more excited to get the fuck out of there because leaving meant you were smoking pot. I was the one who cried because that was the time you were suppossed to reflect on your life up to this point, look how far you'd come? this may be the last day you see any of these people. you felt nothing. You treated every individual as pawns you had to get around to get to more pot and more beer. Thats all your life is and the few people close to you dont even know you, they've told me. It makes me laugh to know i'm most likely the only person in the world who actually knows you. I actually know your manerisms, how you do things, how you act, why you where what you wear, that you actually fucking care A LOT about people thinking your cool and that your sarcasm is a defense mechanism, not because your actually funny. But i dont know why you do things, you never let me in enough to actually understand that. And being the only person on this entire planet that acutally knows you. That reallly knows you....how fucking sad it is that i hate you more than any other person i've ever known?

new years 2010

This year really hasn't started out great. I thought 2010 was the worst year of my life but i'm very fearful that this year truely will not be any better. Which is why i decided to make a new years resolution this year, something i truely dont believe in doing but have to do for the sake of my santiy. It's simple really, to get a handle on my depression and change my attitude on life. I'm missing out on everything it feels like, what could be great moments with my boyfriend, i spend bitching or crying...i'm sick of it but i really dont know the best way to go about this whole thing. I have the number to a psychaitrist my md strongly suggested me go see. I went to the gym today for the first time in about 4 months and i really do feel a bit better...i have a lot more energy today too, which has been a big issue for me lately. I can make it about 8 hours and then i'm just exhausted, i cant keep sleeping 10 hours a night. I also need to do this because at the end of the month i go back to school and i'll be taking 5 classes on top of working full time at cvs. So i really need to get a handle on this stress so this doesnt turn into last semester. I think i'm done trying to get myself on medications for the time being as well...none have worked for me and they make my life twice as hard when i attempt to get myself adjusted to them. I'm going to try this diet and exercise thing. I'm going to try to walk into work or school and not instatnly think "only 8 more hours till i get to go home" and just at least attempt to enjoy being where i am. I think this would be a little easier if i just got a new job...comcast i'm assuming wasn't pleased with my resume because i never got a call back.

I didnt really start this year optimistically. We went to marks friends house, drank 2 beers and then his friend passed out. We went back to his parents house and continued to drink in anger mostly, and mark passed out 1 minute before midnight. I dont know why but i sat on the floor by the bed watching the confetti sprinkle onto time square and i was balling my eyes out. literally sobbing...wondering if this was going to be a good year or the year i off myself...the only positive thing i could think of was that it gave me inspiration for a short story...which i guess is why i'm still here. I'm just done living like this...especally after what has happened in my town. Two guys, around my age both died in this week alone. Lets just say i can't log onto facebook without seeing a few posts about them and a lot of my friends are really upset. My heart goes out to them and to the families of those who are in this time of mourning. But it's also been a wake up call to me. Life is short....i have no idea how much time i or anyone else truely has...i dont want to have anything to regret...

christmas loot

I had a really nice holiday. Christmas eve i spent with the family. We had drinks and everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts i got them. We played this game where you had to put a scarf and hat over your head and then put on oven mits and unwrap a present. It was hilarious watching my 7 years old cousin struggle with it for what felt like an hour. After everyone left my brothers and my parents and i had our christmas morning. Christmas day was pretty uneventful, mark and I mostly hung around the house in our pajamas and we watched star wars...i know real festive right? I just got my grades, i'm really excited. B- in spanish, B+ in history and an A in creative writing yeah, i rock.

Christmas Loot:
-A kindle from marky
-pokemon cards and a pokedex book
-gift card to the book store at asnuntuck
-marks mom and sister made me a blanket and pillow set
-hello kitty alarm clock from mom and dad
-gift cards to dunkin donuts, kohls, victorias secret, marshalls as well as plenty of cash

Happy holidays everyone!

I just don't know how much longer I can hold my head up. I dont know how much longer I can ignore it and wait to go numb because i dont think the numbing is going to happen this time. I'm just going to feel this whole thing as it winds out. I got home after picking mark up from work. All i did yesturday was smoke weed with my brother and put up christmas decorations, which turned out to be a horrible disapointment where no one was happy and we didnt even turn on the tree when we were through. I got home and saw the car i will soon be driving in the neighbors driveway and took it for a spin. very nice. but then i got home to call my mom about her taking me to get a loan this week. I have been calling her REPEATEDLY to make it official that we are going. She started yelling in my ear about how this was a bad idea and she was pissed at mark...while mark was standing right next to me. He's not coming to christmas eve now. And to further ruin my christmas, mark ordered my present on amazon with my email address and they sent the confirmation. Him being completley computer illiterate did not realize this happens. So i'm getting a kindle with a hot pink cover which is very nice and i'm very happy about it but that still ruins all the surprise and fun from the holiday. i figured it was best not to tell him and ruin his christmas as well.

I finally couldn't take it as mark and i argued and i couldnt do anything to make it better. and thoughts were racing through my head and i had no control over them and i cnat fix anything and whatever i think is his fault, he reassures me it isnt...and i dont know...i crashed. just this total crash where i just couldnt take it and all i did was cry until i took two xanax...then i just stared off into space and fell asleep....and i slept for 16 hours. From when i picked him up from work at four until this morning at 9am...and when i get through with work today, which will be a miserable disaster in itself where i'll be pissy and sad and run off to the bathroom to cry a couple times, i plan on coming home and repeating the process. If i cant make myself stop feeling sad, then i'm going to sleep through the pain....i'm done...

looking up?

Just one more class and i am done for the semester! I think i did incredibly well and i am so proud that i actually did this. Of course next semester is a whole different story. I'm taking 5 classes...i figured this to be a good idea because i'll get done with my degree here faster and with us living at marks parents house it will be easier to do better. I should have a car in less than a week from now and oh my god am i so fucking happy to be mobile again. Oh, and comcast called me, i had a phone interview the other day, i have to send them my resume and we're going to go from there. lots of good things are in the works and i'm trying not to jynx myself.