This is a vow to myself to never give up, there is always a reason to keep living. there is always a reason to keep trying. there will always be people who see me as irreplacable. there will always be someone who cares. today, i start trying. today, august 29th, 2011, I'm done with my old ways of thinking and doing. i want to be a happy energetic person. I will find a way to quit smoking. I will start working out again. i will have some form of control over my diet. i will take care of my body and stop doing harmful things to it.
I vow to work hard on my mental health. i will try to not be ashamed of things i do or say. this is my life and i will not waste it dwelling on things that i cannot change. i will try new things, talk to people, make my own friends, surround myself with people who care about me, who are positive influences on my life.
I will be wiser with my money so mark and i can start our lives together. i will stop being a selfish, spoiled bitch. i will hold my family close to me. I will treat mark with nothing but respect and love, i will never give him a reason to see me as untrustworthy. i will stop letting my depression and my emotions destroy this relationship.
the past is gone, i can't do anything about it. I can't sit here and let it destroy my life. The people who were once in my life were there when i needed them, i can't expect them to always be there. We may be on seperate paths now but there is always a reason for that. If i'm meant to see them again, i will, and i will be there with open arms, thrilled as can be that they are back. until then, they have made their lives without me and its time for me to pick up the peices and build my life up again. There will always be other people who can make me happy. There is always happiness within myself, i just have to put some fucking effort into my goddamn life again.

poland spring vodka, pokemon shorts and vicoprofen

...i had the weekend from hell. I'll be brief about it but i got hammered on friday with my brothers and their friends. well i called mark for a ride because i was too drunk to drive, he made a big deal...had my brother fight with him for me while i hid. huge argument, mark left. I was single for about 12 hours but too drunk to realize this really was so. Anyway, i came home around 5 in the morning. we fought, then we passed out, then we spent the rest of the day fighting while i packed my shit. I didn't wanna go. Yeah, he does things that piss me off and sometimes it feels he's a little controlling. I've been patient, i realize that he's never been in another relationship and doesn't know what hes doing. I know it's only because he loves me and is so afraid of losing me...but still. and then i get drunk and suddenly i have the balls so say what i've been feeling and i make everything worse.

Anyway, i somehow got him to stop making me pack my bags under a few conditions. He told me to stop drinking. generally this would piss me off but i've had a feeling for a long time that i have a drinking problem. I never know when to stop. I do stupid things. i embarass myself, i forget conversations i've had and whats the point to get so fucking wrecked like that? I'm afraid though, because alcohol has always been my way to open up and actually be myself...and thats another reason to stop. I don't know if i can be any fun without booze but i can try.

Other than that, the rest isn't important. Except for the fact that he compared me to my aunt and that he is convinced i sucked one of my brothers friends off...but it goes without saying how that made me feel...

Anyway, to cheer myself up i went shopping alone today. I bought two pairs of shorts at hot topic, generally i wouldnt shop there, its expensive. It's so fake. Like i mean, c'mon their motto used to be, "It's all about the music" and there is now no music shit in that store except for maybe a couple my chemical romance cds, but who listens to that garbage? Anyway, one pair was sublime, the other pair i'm ecstatic about. They have pikachu on the front and in big letters across the ass it say pokemon. yeah, i'm a nerd but i'm damn proud of it.

I got a few tops at sears, one is pink zebra stipes...i'm so happy the animal prints are now in style because i love it. As for the rest of my day I've been spending it in bed with toots, techno music and vicoprofen, for my back which is fucked up AGAIN.

Oh and i would have posted pictures but i have no idea how to on this website? will someone tell me how?

the good stuff

Aside from stupid relationship problems, i really am doing great. I've been just working and spending the rest of my time on myself. I've been going to the gym at least 4 times a week. I tried zumba, and although i fucked up my ankle and had to leave early, i totally intend on adding it to my workout routine. And for the days that i cant make it to the gym, i have just dance for the wii :). other than exercise i've been listening to a lot of music because finally I'm so past this horrible depression thing I acutally find joy in things again. Huzzah! I've also been spending a lot of time with my kindle and dun dun dun na, I'm writing again. I wrote six poems alone last week. The only thing i want to work on is building strong friendships with people, which is the only thing that has proved to be sort of challenging. but i'm trying to get myself out there and i'm hoping maybe if i start doing stuff like these gym classes or maybe even hiking, i'll have real friends...not just drinking buddys.

on a side note, anyone know any fantastic books to read?

unsure

...Mark and I have been fighting a lot and the core issue of this problem seems to stem from his sudden interest in leaving the house and hanging out with his friends, constantly, for very long periods of time. and if i ask him to come home, generally he'll stay out even later, lets say about 2 or 3 in the morning. He says i'm free to come along but theres nothing for me to do (and I work). his friend doesnt shower and smells like an armpit. i dont play an instument. i am shy and will no sing in front of people i dont like. i get unbelievably drunk so i can have a good time. there is no where to sit but on the floor in the hallway while i sit there ignored.

I'm starting to feel like maybe he's regressing. it feels like when we moved into his parents house i became more depressed and afraid to go out while he's turned into drunken teenager and unfortunatly I'm on the same side his parents are on or were on in high school. The thing is, i dont mind him going out. yes, i am jealous that i dont have these freedoms but i try not to let myself prevent him from doing it, everyone deserves to have friends. but its becoming more and more frequent and he can never come home early enough to spend time with me and if he does, he's plastered and falls asleep. I'm just frustrated and i truely think that this would not be an issue for me if he would just come home, ONCE, JUST ONE TIME, when i call him around 11pm and he would get in the car and just come home. just one time. but he hasnt done that, not yet. and somehow when we fight about this issue he convinces me i'm wrong. and i'm worried because i'm becoming apathetic towards the relationship because i'm confused and unsure.

He's not very mature and just through living with his parents for this short while, he has already proved to them that they will not sign for a mortgage loan when we move out. He works at costco, comes home and plays video games or guitar and watches tv. If he's not doing any of that then he is out with his friends. I on the other hand was trying. I was going to school but now its like, why am i bothering. Why do i have to work fulltime and go to school fulltime to better OUR lives if he only works part time and has fun all the time? Why do i have to be trapped in his parents house constantly? Why is it a big deal if i go out and get a little reckless once in a while but if he does it and i flip out, i'm just exagerating. i'm sick of it. if i try to talk about it, he flips out at me. And it worries the fucking shit out of me. Because why would anyone get so fucking defensive about going out?

Then the scary thoughts start creeping in like...is there a girl coming to these horrendous jam sessions that I don't know about? Is he going to bars and stuff with his friends? Is he secretly gay and having butt sex with his friend? (haha) .....the thing is i dont know but i'm still not desperate enough to go spend 7 hours at his smelly friends house, thats for sure....

god bless you trazodone

...The past few months have been really rough. I realize that on this thing I sound like a depressing bitch...and yes...lately I have been a depressing bitch but I feel like that is changing. Today, I realized that for the first time in like 7 months, i was happy. For no real reason at all. Generally on a day like this where i have to wake up at 7:30 and work and then have to two tests tonite, i would be stressed. I would be a bitch. I would freak out when i got the phone call from mark that he was going out this afternoon, but I didn't. I was funny, i was working hard, flitting about the pharmacy and getting the regester, and for the first time in a long time, i cared about my job. Fuck, i was even getting along with nate (for a short period). This anti depressent is literally saving me from myself. And today, being the first day that i felt like the desired effects had kicked in, i'm so pleased. With springtime on its way, I'm devoting this season to myself. To working hard on my life and getting myself to that lovely place Iwanna be. So what are my plans? Qutting smoking it a big one...i need an inhaler because my breathing has gotten so bad. I'm constantly tired and I know that when i quit before, i actually had energy in the morning. I want to be healthy so I'm not constantly sick anymore and missing work. For the past few days i havent been eating meat...and people are already saying I look like i lost weight. And heres the big one...i'm finding a new job. Because the only thing that tore me down off my cloud nine today was my manager. He finds this certain way to go from being an almost decent human being to making me feel like I've screwed everything up and my way of doing things isn't correct. I can no longer work in this type of environment and i'm willing to change that and get rid of my benefits if that means I'll actually be happy. I got a heads up that a restaurant nearby may be hiring. I'm thinking maybe a waitressing job would be good for me. Getting tips and working with a whole new set of people, with a whole new beginning...a clean slate. Because i have such a bad rep where i work because i call out too much...but you know what..i'm not getting into that.

I'm tired of being unhappy and being this person I dont even recognize anymore. I used to be quirky, spontanious...fun. I was funny and sarcastic and danced through life freely and openly. So for the next few months, fuck everything, fuck emotions...I'm living my life.

So i'm taking a page out of Alison's book and posting the things i am grateful for and also throwing in random things that make me go like this :). Things are finally starting to look up on this end. I started seeing a psychatrist and she put me on trazodone. It's been a week and I've had no side effects aside from a bit of drowsiness. Also, for the first time in three months I've gone almost a week without an anxiety attack and my racing thoughts are begining to slow down. I also have not cried...i can't believe it. It could be a sort of placebo effect because i know these meds take time to get the full effect but whatever it is, i'm happy(well i'm getting there). I've also began seeing a counseller and i'm hoping to plow through these emotional insecurites and I'm hoping that I'll have my life on track in due time. So here is my list, i warn you, it might get a bit lengthy...

Mark
My mom
My kitten
crayons
pokemon cards
having a car
guinea pigs
sushi
natalie portman
bob dylan
laughing until i start snorting
my nintendo dsi
star wars
charlie brown holiday specials
giraffes
doritos
wine
candles
writing
getting my nails done, hair did or eyebrows waxed
Mareesa
stickers
reading kurt vonnegut
being so moved from a song that i cry
my kindle
my ipod
animal planet
the poem "Howl"
going to school
Hello kitty
nesquik
cartoons
techno that makes me dance in my seat
Trips to cape cod
photography
menthol cigarettes

...ha...i feel pretty good...

becoming bitter

I came to a really scary realization saturday night. I drank a bottle of wine in celebration of valentines day and mark and i stayed up talking for a while. I dont know how we debated the issue of affirmative action for about two hours but it soon turned to whether we believed that people are ultimatly good. And somehow i realized i dont believe most people are. Ok, i have met a lot of people who i know are decent individuals, who fuck up and make mistakes but never intentionally mean to harm other people. But its the whole issue of power, i dont honestly believe that a lot of people really would pass that up even if it meant fucking over others. I dont believe that if the apocalypse was the strike us down tomorrow that the majority would be accepted into heaven (if i actually believed there was such a place). Maybe it could be that i've become bitter, either from being screwed over time after time by people i know and trust. Or maybe its working at my job and seeing annoying, selfish and terrible people daily, willing to do anything for a pill that will kill the pain. i used to be able to see people, realize their "Flaws" and accept them for it, whether minute or otherwise...fuck i forgave a cheater for a short time...but now, i meet people and realize what exactly i dont like about them and feel as if i can't get past it...and i hate it. i was never like this before. My lifes motto for years was love. life. happiness. (after one of my favorite songs which by the way was in the genre of music called happy hardcore, which i listened to religiously for those of you who dont know what this is, it's a genre of techno which is for all intensive purposes is INCREDIBLY happy and positive music). I wore bright colors, i was a positive person who truly believed that peace could someday be accomplished and that there was good in everyone. I really wish i knew what happened....

this isnt saying i hate everyone, this is not true...all im saying is, i'm hoping this is just a phase and that i could actually find a way to think positive again, if that is at all possible..