head in the clouds

I really wonder if im truely going anywhere. If i'll ever get out of my own way so i can start accomplishing things. I wonder whether i should even try when i know i have no real goals present. I know that time isnt up and i just have to keep trying but the way this year has been going...i'm not sure if i should even bother. i feel as though anytime i start making a little bit of progress something occurs that makes me feel as though my world is ending. I can't deal with depression right now. i cant deal with people right now. i cant seem to get that sense that everything will be ok. No matter what i do, no matter how well my day went i still have the fog all over my head. And i still dont feel happy. I know i need to be put on medication. I should start feeling better if i actually started doing more things for myself. Getting some hobbies, working out, concentrating on eating well and qutting smoking once and for all. But first i feel like i need people in my life, people who will back me up, people who are my friend because they want to be. But i'm being picky because even with old friends, the connection is gone. I dont mean to bring anyone down, i appologize if i do, but i'm just going through an incredibly tough time right now and anytime i try to let someone know that, anytime i try to reach out...i get the cold shoulder, they talk about themselves all night, my cries for help go unheaded...and i forced once again to go it alone. I just miss having a best friend. Someone i do just about anything with. Someone who is good for me and tries to break me out of my shell. because at this moment i dont know what i want. I have no idea who i even am. I dont have the slightest clue what people think of me, whether i come off as a positive person or negative. I dont know if I'm likeable. I just have no idea where my life is at right now, how to catch up to it and just find some way to just clear my fucking head....for once i just want to have a sigh of relief...