christmas loot

I had a really nice holiday. Christmas eve i spent with the family. We had drinks and everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts i got them. We played this game where you had to put a scarf and hat over your head and then put on oven mits and unwrap a present. It was hilarious watching my 7 years old cousin struggle with it for what felt like an hour. After everyone left my brothers and my parents and i had our christmas morning. Christmas day was pretty uneventful, mark and I mostly hung around the house in our pajamas and we watched star wars...i know real festive right? I just got my grades, i'm really excited. B- in spanish, B+ in history and an A in creative writing yeah, i rock.

Christmas Loot:
-A kindle from marky
-pokemon cards and a pokedex book
-gift card to the book store at asnuntuck
-marks mom and sister made me a blanket and pillow set
-hello kitty alarm clock from mom and dad
-gift cards to dunkin donuts, kohls, victorias secret, marshalls as well as plenty of cash

Happy holidays everyone!

I just don't know how much longer I can hold my head up. I dont know how much longer I can ignore it and wait to go numb because i dont think the numbing is going to happen this time. I'm just going to feel this whole thing as it winds out. I got home after picking mark up from work. All i did yesturday was smoke weed with my brother and put up christmas decorations, which turned out to be a horrible disapointment where no one was happy and we didnt even turn on the tree when we were through. I got home and saw the car i will soon be driving in the neighbors driveway and took it for a spin. very nice. but then i got home to call my mom about her taking me to get a loan this week. I have been calling her REPEATEDLY to make it official that we are going. She started yelling in my ear about how this was a bad idea and she was pissed at mark...while mark was standing right next to me. He's not coming to christmas eve now. And to further ruin my christmas, mark ordered my present on amazon with my email address and they sent the confirmation. Him being completley computer illiterate did not realize this happens. So i'm getting a kindle with a hot pink cover which is very nice and i'm very happy about it but that still ruins all the surprise and fun from the holiday. i figured it was best not to tell him and ruin his christmas as well.

I finally couldn't take it as mark and i argued and i couldnt do anything to make it better. and thoughts were racing through my head and i had no control over them and i cnat fix anything and whatever i think is his fault, he reassures me it isnt...and i dont know...i crashed. just this total crash where i just couldnt take it and all i did was cry until i took two xanax...then i just stared off into space and fell asleep....and i slept for 16 hours. From when i picked him up from work at four until this morning at 9am...and when i get through with work today, which will be a miserable disaster in itself where i'll be pissy and sad and run off to the bathroom to cry a couple times, i plan on coming home and repeating the process. If i cant make myself stop feeling sad, then i'm going to sleep through the pain....i'm done...

looking up?

Just one more class and i am done for the semester! I think i did incredibly well and i am so proud that i actually did this. Of course next semester is a whole different story. I'm taking 5 classes...i figured this to be a good idea because i'll get done with my degree here faster and with us living at marks parents house it will be easier to do better. I should have a car in less than a week from now and oh my god am i so fucking happy to be mobile again. Oh, and comcast called me, i had a phone interview the other day, i have to send them my resume and we're going to go from there. lots of good things are in the works and i'm trying not to jynx myself.

so sick of being screwed over

So i'm taking this history class and this bitch has given me nothing but problems. 17 essay question exams, a bitch of a final, a quiz every class...submitting everything online and having half of my assignments never go through. Well she had been going on and on about our cumulative final she never fucking mentioned an exam on the last few chapters. So tuesday i skipped class and worked on my research paper that i had been working on alll semester (which didnt get submitted because technology blows) and we had an exam that day! no forewarning or anything. Why schedule an exam the same fucking day a paper is due? AND THEN throw another exam at us next week. Plus, to prepare for these things she makes us get in groups and discuss, we can't write anything down and she doesnt answer our questions, how does that benefit us? So basically after jumping through hoops for this bitch all semester i am basically going to fail this class, after all this work...after wanting to just drop this class sooo many times. I'm pissed and mark is going to be pissed. And i worked sooo fucking hard. and i know she wont let me make it up...

I'm just exhausted. i cannot for the life of me drag myself out of bed. Finally went to the doctor yesturday, he upped the strength of my xanax because i keep having panic attacks and put me on zoloft, which kept me up all night last night AGAIN. Living with his parents is proving to be more challenging than i imagined. I'm afraid to eat their food because they might be saving it for someone else. Or i have to be extremly quiet after 9 o'clock because his dad is in bed. his mom talks to me everytime i step downstairs. And i still dont have a car. They are saying we have to build our credit and all this, they expect me to buy some crummy used car when they promised me a quality, basically new car for a low price from their neighbor and now they are taking back their word. I wish i listened to my parents and bought a new car...i wish they had room in their house so we could have moved there. I am so fucking miserable and on top of all this i cant even work without feeling myself begin to start shaking and my mind plays unwanted thoughts and axieties and i cant concentrate and i just wishing i could burst through the doors and scream i quit. i am so stuck i am fucking sick of it.

fuck

I feel myself slowly falling back into my lazy ways that i trained myself so hard not to do over this past year. i find myself looking at the massive amount of things i have to get done and instead of tackling them, i smoke a bowl to my face and stare at the tv for a few hours. I'm just tired of working so hard for no what feels like no reason. We're moving and it's finally hitting me that this is a step back, not forward. Although i have all the hope in the world that a year from now we'll have enough money and be buying a house my dreams of geting a bachlors in social seems unachievable once we get house. How the hell do i pay for both? When i told mark i would be taking four or five classes this semester, he got pissed because i dont have enough money in my financial aid to pay for all my classes and books, he says i am just adding to my debt. But i need to do this. School for the first time feels like it matters to me. I feel like its my only way out of the life i'm living now, and i dont want to be stranded at asnuntuck only taking 3 classes a semester and being there for four years. I am so stressed out, i have to get this house packed and everything over his parents house within like a week or two. i had to request a weekend off just so i can have my family come by and help me clean this house till it's spotless so we can get our 2 month security deposit back. I requested these days off at least a month ago, and now someone else is trying to get this time off and my manager is trying to tell me that this a problem and that i might have to work. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE!

I just have so many frustrations i'm dealing with right now. Not having a car is killing me, Today i have a ride to school but no ride home, so that gap between my two classes (2-6:30) i'm stranded at school and if they arent serving food today, i'm fucked. This is a good thing only because i will be forced to get some work done. I just feel so trapped, i fucking hate my job and i'm just getting to the point where i can't bring myself to go in there. Everything is so fucked up, everyone is selfish and a fucking asshole. My lead tech is incompetent and only works the shifts she wants to and throws shitty shifts at people like me. I have been asking for earlier shifts for at least a year now, yet we have people from other stores, or a girl who only comes in twice a week (and i dont really even know why she still works with us) and now we have some new girl that we hired for nights but there she was working a 9-3 this morning. And i'm so sick of the nine hour shifts, i dont even really have to work them as she always schedules me 8-9 hour shifts on saturdays anyway...and i'm sick of the excuses when i ask for something to change. I just prey everyday that comcast will call me. And even if that somehow doesnt pan out, i hope that after running into the pharmacist at 750 who said he wanted me to come over there finds a way around addie and nate, because this stress is killing me. no one should have to work in the type of atmosphere that we have. I am becoming a nervous wreck because of this fucking place and everyday that i come in and find that something hasnt been done AGAIN...i am almost at the point where i will punch her in the face and just walk out...

Just to let you know, i was never this angry of a person until i started working for cvs...

waiting for bud

...thank god for advising day. i have today off but fuck it sucks not having a car. I have so much i need to get done today and no means of doing it. I want to start packing shit up and cleaning but i have no boxes. I need to get laundry done because i have NOTHING to wear...i really would like to get to the school so i can start writng my research paper and get that shit done...or even go to the gym for the first time in months....argh. i forgot how frustrating it is not being mobile. I hate being trapped in this house but i'm trying to avoid facebook so i can get a few things i want done, done. So...i wrote a poem today. Hooray for me.


waiting for bud


the anxiety knaws away at my insides
forcing up acid into my throut
causing paranoia to swim freely through me
nauseating butterflies that once flew graciously
now only cause a constant sickness
we sit in silence with no music as atmosphere
the humidity sticks to me and i begin to sweat
the combination of anxiety and heat
but you won't allow me to turn on the air conditioning
you eye your phone and stare off into the space
waiting

he should be here shortly
carrying a tiny plastic bag
with what we've been waiting
sitting in an elementary school parking lot
while i swish my head back and forth
nervous and afraid a cop will soon knock on my window
i didnt want to come along for the ride
but god only knows where you would have gone
or who you would have gone with had i not been here
the anxiety might have been worse if i sat home alone
waiting

with tears in my eyes i ask you
the same questions that has been repeated
all damn blazing hot, humid, intolerable summer
"will we make it when you leave for college,"
and you always respond of course
but your kisses always taste of beer
and your fingers always have weed clinging to them
so they feel sticky if you ever feel compelled
to run them through my hair
and when you leave for school i know all that i'm left with is
waiting

We'll have sex later that night
after our eyes are glassy
and a tired feeling tugs at me softly
you do it because now this is all i am good for
i do it because this is the only way you allow me to get close
our bodies are connected but we are not together in this act
after, you'll just smoke a cigarette out the bedroom window
while I'll lay on your waterbed staring at your childish starry wallpaper
and these emotions will continue to tug at my insides tommorow
when once again i will be dragged along
to wait for bud

waaay too much to do..

This month is going to be jam packed with shit. I have so much i have to catch up on in my spanish class, i have a research paper and presentation due at the end of the month for my history class, i have to revise everything i've written for my creative writing class as well as write 4 more poems, we also have a poetry reading at the end of the month that i am not looking forward to. i signed up to write not public speaking!! We also need to get this house cleaned, like spotless and pack and help clean out marks parents house so we can move in by december first. I've gotta sign myself up for new classes as well. i did get some good news though. Marks brothers girlfriend, April, just got a job for comcast. it's working 5-9, 5 days a week and she gets paid $12.50 an hour and she really thinks she could get me a job there. and i just need to get out of cvs. i hate it there, i get paid shit, i work horrible shifts with horrible people. So i'm also going to have to put together a resume. AND...find a new car in the very near future AS WELL AS get a loan from the bank...ugh...

I really hope this job thing does work out because i really think it will make me happier in the long run. my job is the main focus of my stress...school is part of it but i actually enjoy school. i like learning and writing and feeling like i'm bettering myself. I also found out that through domestic partnership, if you live with someone for more than six months, you can go on their insurance. And marks part time insurance through costco is actually better than my full time insurance through cvs, that i'll probably lose soon anyway even if i stay.

today, is my one day off and i will be spending it cleaning and possibley packing up some shit. As well as grocery shopping and getting some of my homework done. It's another nine hour day tommorrow at cvs...at least the hope of getting out of there soon might keep me in a better mood...